Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out already, then you, my friend, are not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Erik:
What the hell had I done? I knew I shouldn't have gone to see her! Christine only succeeded in bringing out the worst in me - and that is saying a great deal. Any shadow of affection she might have had for me was now surely erased due to my outburst. I'm such a fool. . . Why did I have to show myself to her in the first place? I could have remained her Angel of Music forever, and she would have stayed with me without any doubts; without my knowing, my downfall was set once I let her see me in person. . .
I leaned against the mirror, watching her through it despite myself. She was sitting almost rigidly, seeming to be a weeping statue whose only imperfection were the tears running down her cheeks. I stood mutely with her, gazing into the now-lifeless eyes that stared at the mirror. I couldn't tell if she was staring at it in surprise or shock; sadness or horror; disgust or loathing. . .
I was slowly suffocating behind my mask, trying to ignore my burning lungs for as long as possible. But, unfortunately, the decidedly mortal action of breathing took over. I was forced to pull my mask up for a bit, not caring if she could vaguely see me through the mirror between us. I watched her for a few more moments with an abrupt longing to touch her face, to hold her hand. But the cold air on my naked cheek reminded me that she would never be able to see past my hideous visage. I bit my lower lip to hold back a sob before replacing my mask and dragging my wretched self away.
Ayesha greeted me with her customary mewl and Nadir was nowhere in sight, fortunately. I walked with labored steps into my music room and dropped in front of the organ to lose myself in the melody. I had long given up morphine simply because I didn't care to buy it; I needed to have a new way of punishing myself further, but long before I became dependent on this narcotic, I had already given myself to another. Music was the only drug I needed, intoxicating me with its elating and powerful euphony. The notes found me well, the events of just minutes ago having filled me with that bittersweet inspiration. I realized that she always seemed to motivate me to write. I poured myself into the music, heedless of my surroundings, dropping my guard completely.
I stopped my playing for an instant to copy down the notes onto the paper; I sensed someone entering the room and my muscles tensed instinctively. Whirling around, my arm lashed out and reached for the neck of my intruder. He cried out in surprise and I stopped myself abruptly, my fingers touching his throat. Nadir gasped quietly, but I ignored him and began to work on my music again. I sensed him take a small step back before he began his interrogation.
"What happened?" His attempt at a commanding voice was laughable and I smirked. "What did you do?"
"Same as always," I answered, my voice gushing with sarcasm. "Reduced myself to an idiotic fool in front of her." Taking a deep breath, I pressed the organ keys idly and continued softly, "I lost control. . . I always seem to, don't I? When I'm around her. . . I used to wonder if she enjoyed tormenting like she does. . ."
"I knew I shouldn't have told you."
I went on, choosing to ignore him again, talking to myself, "But the passion in her voice while she stood in the middle of that stage!. . . The look in her eyes when I began to sing with her!. . . It felt as if. . . as if she truly were singing to me, instead of just reciting meaningless words. I thought I could control myself - I thought I could keep my emotions in check. I needed to see her up close. . ." I shivered as I struggled to keep my feelings reined, a cold chill inching down my spine.
"She sang my song. . . the one I've always wanted her to sing for me. . . It was perfect - not a single flaw. And, either she's become a very good actress, or - or - I can't explain it, but whatever it was, it felt real."
He only nodded sagely, which annoyed me to no end, but I chose to overlook his actions once more. It lately seemed as if the music eluded me while he was in my presence; it was as if the notes refused to be heard by anyone but me. I continued pushing random keys and finding a slight comfort in their sound. His eyes were on my back, watching me silently. All that I thought of, during that time, was her face that - even when crying - had the perfect innocence of an angel; of how her dark curls fell in waves over her shoulders. The purity of her exquisite voice was the one memory that both filled me with pain and joy, leaving me numb. During the months alone with my music and thoughts, I could only think of her - my goddess and savior. . .
A sigh escaped me and my hands rested on top of the keys. Slowly I stood and turned to see a grim-faced Nadir. He slowly shook his head, eyes closed, and said in a serious and lecturing tone, "I knew you shouldn't have gone. She has a hold of a rather crucial part of you, and she's always twisting it -"
"So what are you saying?" My voice was dripping with a venom that I did not try to contain. "Should I never see her again? Never see the only person who keeps me sane? You don't understand, Nadir. If it weren't for her, I would have died by my own hands long ago -"
"And if it weren't for her," he retorted, not at all disturbed by my demeanor, "you wouldn't wish to die by someone else's hands."
At that moment I could no longer control all of the emotions whirling around my soul. Evidently Nadir could see the anger and frustration in my eyes. He began to back away again, trying to put a good deal of space between us. A smirk found itself on my lips as I drew myself to full height. As I stepped closer, he took another back, visibly intimidated, but trying to make it seem he was all right. A lot of good that would do, I thought grimly, if he's trying to stand his ground while retreating at the same time!
"Death is death either way," I heard myself telling him acerbically. "Whether it's suicide or murder, the end result is always the same, isn't it? Perhaps everyone would be happier if the Opera Ghost finally did join the ranks of the deceased and leave the world alone!"
Nadir gulped unconsciously, though his eyes never left mine. Watching him shiver a little and taking a sardonic pleasure in it, I folded my arms across my chest to stare him down. "Sometimes," I hissed, "I fear that you will find that my patience with you has grown short. You've meddled in my affairs for far too long. Did you think that by saving me, I'd let you control me as well? Do what you will - tell the authorities; finish me off here. . . take Christine away from me. . ."
My voice cracked and my throat suddenly became dry. Nadir was shocked, to say the least, and he shook his head incredulously. He had heard all of this from me before, but I suppose he was not ready for it this time around. I was not in the mood to wait for him to regain his composure; instead I swept past him into the outer room. Sitting heavily in my black wing chair, I thought about what to do next. For the first time in months, I actually needed to muse over my next move, as if I were playing a game of chess. I actually had a choice. . . There was something that wanted my attention. I finally had something that called me away from the darkness I brooded in. . .
"Don't do something foolish Erik," Nadir said warningly, pulling me out of my trance. His shaking hands belied the grimness of his voice. "You have to let her live her own life. You made a decision - you have to stay with it."
"I had no other choice," I snapped, watching detachedly while Ayesha paraded around infront of me, making a show of hissing at Nadir and purring for me. "But now she's come back. . . she's returned. . ."
"Yes, but we don't know why. What if she's with the Vicomte?"
I flinched. Amidst all of my conflicting feelings, I had somehow forgotten about that wretched boy, though I don't know how I could. The dandy only seemed to bring more questions whose answers could only be gotten from one person. The more I wanted those answers, though, the more I dreaded asking for them. Whenever I was with her, she stirred some primitive passion in me that I both hated and enjoyed.
"Wait - where are you going?"
I paused a moment to tie my cloak around my shoulders - I had apparently misplaced my hat and I did not quite feel like finding my other. "To go do what ghosts do best," I replied simply with a dismissive shrug. With that, I left him, taking one of the many entrances into the "upper world" that Nadir did not know of.