Part 4: Which Way Do I Go? (lyrics and title from the song 'Take Your Hand')
Hey,
I feel I could just blow on up
Anytime I could just lose control,
caught up
Somehow, it had happened again. Even though she
cut their relationship off, and even though she swore there was
nothing left between them, Trish managed to find herself wrapped in
Christian's arms again, their lips locked together. Of course, that
wasn't her original intention when she'd gone to see him. She hadn't
gone to Christian's hotel room in the middle of the night to rekindle
their passion.
She had gone to confront him, to yell at him
even... to demand an explanation. After what he did to her in the
ring that night, how he betrayed her trust in that match made by Eric
Bischoff, she damn well deserved an explanation. Their 'match,' if
you could even call it one, had left her in a state of shock. Had she
not already have doubled over in due to the pain his brutal,
unexpected assault caused her, she would've done so anyway because of
how taken aback she was.
She had tried to get to sleep that
night, after getting off the phone with Chris - who must have
apologized a million times for not being there to help her. But she
couldn't... she simply had to know why. In a way, she blamed herself.
She had pushed Christian so far away from her so suddenly that he
snapped. He finally lost it. Still, she couldn't understand how a man
could so viciously attack a woman he clamed to love. And, oddly
enough, that was part of his explanation.
"Don't you see,
Trish?" he had asked, an unreadable expression on his face. "I
did what I did out there tonight because I love you. And as
ass backwards as that may sound, it's the truth."
Trish
had stared at him for a few moments, the only movement she made being
a few disbelieving blinks. Then, she boldly moved toward him - in
spite of his actions earler that evening, she was not afraid of him.
Somehow she knew that Christian was not the man that attacked her;
had he been in the right state of mind, he wouldn't have been able
to.
"Are you telling me that that is your excuse?! Let
me tell you something, Christian..." she cried, and though she
didn't even realize she was doing it, her index finger poked sharply
at his chest. "...the only thing that's ass backwards here is
you. You wanted to prove to me that you love me, so you beat the
hell out of me?"
His gaze fell to the floor where he
watched his feet, which were shuffling awkwardly back and forth. He
knew what he had done was wrong, and in all honesty, he had no
explanation. He truly had planned to lay down for her, but when she
stood before him in the ring, something inside him snapped. For some
reason, whenever he looked at her, he couldn't get the image of Chris
Jericho out of his mind. He knew no explanation would give his
actions justice.
"I know it wasn't a good move, Trish,"
he said slowly, as though pacing himself so he didn't trip over his
words. "And you have no idea how sorry I am. I was
desperate to do something, though that's no excuse for what I
did. Seeing you and Chris together is just driving me crazy... I'm so
sorry."
"There are so many other 'somethings' you
could have done, Christian," she replied, her voice surprisingly
steady.
She pursed her lips together, and she couldn't fathom
why she was being so calm. Again, this man had the strangest effects
on her. That was when he kissed her, hoping that this 'something'
would garner a different result than his last. As always, the instant
he placed his lips on hers, she melted in his arms.
Second
thoughts, small doubts start to beat me up
You're everything I
want
Before I knew just what I wanted
And hey, hey, it's
killin' me on the inside
You're the only one I want, I can't
deny
"Christian, stop," Trish said eventually,
pressing her tiny hands against his chest and pushing him
away.
Christian complied with her instructions, but he was
hardly convinced by her tone that she really wanted to stop. Hell,
she was questioning herself about it. If she noticed anything about
him through that kiss, it was that she missed him. She knew
from that one moment just how badly she missed kissing him, touching
him, making love to him.
Her eyes widened at the revelation,
and she ignored the curious gaze Christian sent her. God, she'd been
wrong all along. Their relationship wasn't just about the sex. It was
about two people - granted, they'd originally had a purely physical
connection - who had a deep love for one another. Trish hadn't been
having sex with Christian for four and a half months - she'd been
making love to him. And if that was the case...
"Oh,
God..." she muttered, placing a hand on her forehead, all of a
sudden feeling faint.
She had been dragging Jericho along all
this time, when it was Christian she really wanted. She forced
herself to believe that she truly loved Chris, that Christian was
just a fling, and then she dreamt of being with the latter....
No,
no, no. This was all wrong. She couldn't believe her feelings had
changed because of one kiss. It was Chris she loved, not Christian.
She was letting her physical attraction towards Christian cloud her
better judgement.
A long, loud sigh left Trish's lips as she
stared at Christian, whose pensive gaze was locked on her. The
flutter in her heart was telling enough. She didn't get this feeling
around Chris... This was the man she loved.
Don't know
what to do, what to say
I'm not sure what to tell ya,
confused
Which way do I, take your hand or let go
[Do I] Take
your hand or let it go
[I can't] Take this feelin' much more
[Do
I] Take your hand or let go
Don't know what to do, what to say
I'm
not sure what to tell ya, confused
Which way do I go?
"Trish?"
he questioned, his body still so close to hers that he could feel the
heat pouring off of her. "Are you alright?"
"I...
I don't know," she replied, an empty stare coming over her. "I
think I love you, Christian."
The Canadian man nearly
fell over. Clutching at his heart, which was throbbing painfully
against the inside of his chest, he stared down at her.
"You
do?" he asked, almost feeling as if the words that had left her
mouth were too good to be true.
"I do..." she said
hesitantly, "...but I don't know why. I don't want to love
you, Christian. I'm just so confused... You're not the type of man I
fall in love with."
He took a step away from her, hurt
filling his telling blue eyes.
"So what am I then? The
type of man you have casual sex with? I'm your fuck him and forget
guy? I didn't think respectable women did that, Trish," he said,
unable to mask the anguish her remark had caused him.
"No!"
Trish cried, shaking her head insistantly. "I didn't mean it
like that, Christian. It came out wrong..."
"Do you
have any idea how much you've hurt me?" he questioned out of
the blue. Strangely, neither of them found it ironic that he was
asking her that question. "Do you understand how much watching
you prance around with Christ has made me want to crawl in a hole and
die? It's been sheer torture, Trish, to see you in his arms... when I
know you belong in mine."
Hey, I feel I could just
blow on up
Everything I feel your love I get so caught up
It's
your kiss and your touch, it's just everything
But I'm feelin'
like I wanna just run away
Can't tell you what I want
But
you're everything I want
And hey, hey, it's killin' me on the
inside
Cause you're all I ever wanted, still I can't
deny
"Christian, I..." Trish began, feeling a
little nauseaus.
The tables had turned drastically, and now
she was the one feeling guilty for her actions. How could she have
left him? How could she have pushed him so far that he felt he had no
other choice but to take his frustrations out on her?
"Let
me finish," he said, placing a hand in the air. "I'm not
saying you and Chris don't have something. He likes you... you like
him. But Trish, he doesn't love you. He doesn't fantasize
about spending the rest of his lfe with you, he wouldn't throw
himself down on a fire for you. You guys don't have real love."
He paused, trying to read her expression. She looked so lost, so
confused. "My God, Trish, don't you get it? We are in love!
Why are you fighting it?"
Trish sighed, staring at him
hopelessly. She had no answer for him. Every single word he spoke was
the truth, so why wouldn't she let herself be with him? What was it
that was making her hold back?
"I..." she began,
trying with all her heart to muster up a response to his question,
even if it was half assed. After a long moment of silence, she had
nothing. "I don't know, Christian... I honestly don't
know."
Nodding, Christian turned away from her, hoping to
give her a moment's peace so that she could think. For what seemed
like the millionth time that night, Trish sighed, the tiny sound
laced with despair. It suddenly occurred to her that she hadn't once
considered Chris, or his feelings. Not only that, she didn't even
feel the slightest bit guilty for it... once again, Christian had
spoken the truth.
"Trish, do you want to be with me?"
he asked, suddenly finding himself too impatient to wait for her to
come up with something to say.
Trish gazed up into his eyes,
and from the second she had locked on to the blue orbs, she knew her
answer. Despite the fact that a small part of her was still
fighting it, she nodded.
"Yes..." she voiced
tentatively, "...I think I do."
Don't know what
to do, what to say
I'm not sure what to tell ya, confused
Which
way do I, take your hand or let go
[Do I] Take your hand or let it
go
[I can't] Take this feelin' much more
[Do I] Take your hand
or let go
Don't know what to do, what to say
I'm not sure what
to tell ya, confused
Which way do I go?
Somebody tell
me...
"So then what's the problem?" Christian
asked her, resting his hands on his waist. She stared at him blankly,
so he went on. "I want you, you want me. Correct?"
Her
brow raised for a second as Trish picked apart the question. It was
so simple, so plain... she couldn't help but wonder if there was more
to it then what he asked.
"...Yes..."
"Then
why do you look so confused? It's obvious you're torn, and I can't
understand why," he explained, moving towards her again.
"I
don't know. God, Christian, I wish I could understand how I feel,
believe me. I keep telling myself I don't want you, but then I get
these intense feelings when I'm around you... I can't even put it
into words," she said, a faraway gaze in her eyes.
Exhaling
heavily, Christian cupped her face in his hands, pressing his
forehead to hers.
"Tell you what," he said, his
voice so soft that she could barely hear him. She had never heard him
speak so softly before. "Take some time to think things over. If
you decide within the next few weeks that you truly do love me, I'll
be waiting for you with open arms. My hand is extended to you, Trish.
What you do with it is up to you."
Is it that I'm so
wrong, I can't say
Or is it my life, so young, careless ways
And
in your eyes, so much love you wanna give
But the more I want you
in my arms
The pressure starts to build, build, build,
build
Don't know what to do, what to say
I'm not sure what
to tell ya, confused
Which way do I, take your hand or let go
[Do
I] Take your hand or let it go
[I can't] Take this feelin' much
more
[Do I] Take your hand or let go
Don't know what to do,
what to say
I'm not sure what to tell ya, confused
Which way do
I go?