A/N: Hey guys, sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. I've been kind of stuck on the story and to top it off I've been working twelve hours days. Anyways, thanks to all those who reviewed. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up tonight or tomorrow... day off ;)
Facing the Past
Chapter Eleven
The Cohens and Ryan finally arrived back in Newport around eleven at night, the California sun had long since been extinguished.
They were tired, sore and, in Sandy and Kirsten's cases, a little cranky.
After all, attending your foster son's mother's funeral to have both of your sons beat up, and then wait in the hospital for hours because the injuries were not considered an emergency was not an ideal way to spend a Friday night.
Seth could sense it, and stayed quiet. Ryan was just always quiet. So Kirsten and Sandy steamed quietly in the front seat of the Rover all the way back to Newport.
"Acceptance is the next step, right?" Seth leaned over to Ryan.
Ryan, who was looking out the window smiled slightly, "I'll ask my therapist tomorrow" he shot back.
"I would laugh and clap, because of your joke and all Ryan, but they might..hurt me" he nodded up front.
Ryan gave him a look, causing him to fall silent. Ryan needed some more time to work out exactly how he was going to ask Seth about tomorrow, nevertheless get him to ask Sandy and Kirsten for the car.
They'd probably think the two of them were going back to Chino to pick a fight.
Chino.
It seemed like forever ago already, that he was there saying goodbye to his mom.
He checked his wrist out of habit, looking for the time on a watch that had been broken in the first fight.
He leaned to the side, checking the time on the radio. It had only been five hours or so.
…………………………………….
"so.." Seth let out, from across the pool house.
Ryan looked up at him from the bed where he sat, "what?" he asked.
Seth's eyes bulged, "What? You ask me to come in here so you can talk to me, and all I get is a 'what'?"
"Yea… so…" Just ask, he told himself. " I was wondering if you could do me a favour tomorrow"
"Ryan, no offence and all, I love ya as my brother, as a friend, but I'm not burning down Dr. Landoll's office"
"Dr. Landoll?" Ryan asked stupidly.
Seth studied him in amusement, "Your therapist… ringing any bells?"
"Right, no, not that. I need you to drive me somewhere"
Seth folded his arms, "Why me?" Seth asked.
"Kirsten and Sandy trust you… well mostly… but they trust you more than me to have the car out"
"They won't let you miss your appointment. You agreed Ryan"
"No, I'll be back for that… it's just, something else I need to do" Ryan replied, a picture of a grieving husband in his mind's eye.
"And where are we going, on this little.. excursion of ours?"
Ryan hesitated, "Chino"
Seth nodded his head, "so you want us to be killed this time.. or what?"
"Nothing like that, we won't even see Louis I swear"
"So that is his name" Seth commented.
"Seth" Ryan warned.
"Fine… where should I tell Kirsten and Sandy we're going?"
He shrugged, "dunno, need your help on that, too"
"Well that's an easy one" Seth teased him, "I hate to take your mom's name in vain, but you could always tell them you want to give her a proper goodbye.. instead of.. well today"
"Good idea" Ryan told him, getting up from the bed.
"Whoa, whoa.. where are you going?" Seth demanded.
"To.. go ask them if we can go"
"Not after we've been in here talking all this time… sleep on it Ryan.. or at least pretend to"
He stopped, then sat back down on the bed.
"So what's happening in Chino?"
"How's you eye?" Ryan asked, changing the topic.
"Hey, I'm not like mom and dad here Ry, you can't get away with it that easy. I want to know what I'm helping you with, I said I'd help and here I am helping… but what am I helping with Ryan?"
Ryan studied Seth, his arms crossed and chin jut out stubbornly, waiting for an answer.
He began to explain.
………………………………..
"It worked" Ryan breathed as him and Seth pulled away from the gated entrance.
"Of course, all my plans work" Seth put in.
Seth turned to glance at Ryan, who was eyeing him.
"Okay.. maybe not all of my plans" Seth stated, thinking back to the model home incident.
Seth turned back to the road.
"You know the way?" Ryan asked him.
Seth pointed at a small screen inlaid on the consul, "that's what the GPS lady is for" he replied, smiling.
……………………………..
As they pulled up to Arlington Cemetery Ryan could feel a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach.
He checked the time, it was ten to eleven or so. With Seth driving it had taken nearly an hour to Chino.
"You… can you just wait here?" Ryan asked
"Yeah, cool." Seth replied. The silence between them for the past half hour or so had been tense.
Ryan stepped out of the Rover and on to the curb, attempting to straighten his suit jacket, which he'd chosen to wear minus the tie simply because he didn't know what else to wear.
"Have fun" Seth called before he shut the door, an as Ryan paused thinking about the odd statement Seth began to babble.
"No.. not fun.. I mean why would you have fun right? So.. good luck" he nodded, "Good luck is something that works… to say I mean"
"Bye Seth" and he closed the car door.
Now he had to find where this funeral was being held, and attempt to be unseen.
……………………………….
The service was nice, Ryan thought. Better than his mother's, for obvious reasons. Apparently fist fights and shouting were not normal things to do at a funeral, however tears did seem to work.
And although Ryan had, so far, successfully been invisible to the family counterparts he was not ready to dwell out tears for someone he didn't know. He didn't even cry for himself. Often.
The husband and young boy had stood at the head of both caskets, one large and one small, the entire time. The little boy did not cry, did not flinch. The husband had, while holding the boy's shoulders tightly.
He was just about to leave when someone touched his shoulder softly. Ryan turned quickly, expecting to find an impatient Seth, but instead found an elderly woman wearing a typical black dress. Her face was overly made and mascara streaks ran down her face.
She didn't even wait for Ryan to speak, to apologize for intruding.
"I'm sorry dear… I can't remember your name… I'm not good with names you know, but I do remember your face"
My face? Ryan thought. How could this woman know his face, when he had never met her before?
He was going to apologize and leave quickly. He wasn't going to lie. But it just slipped out.
"Ryan, my name's Ryan… I'm from around here and I just thought I'd stop in and… " he couldn't figure out what to say next, but the woman didn't seem to need an explanation.
"Working in the police department Rae got to know a lot of people around here… she was a very kind lady… very caring, wanted to be a cop since she was three, didn't even let her money problems get in the way of her dreams" then she stopped, suddenly, "I'm sorry dear, my name is Carol, I'm Rae's mother." She held out her hand.
"Uh, nice to meet you Carol" Ryan shook her hand. The woman seemed to be searching the group of people for someone.
"Uh, I was.. I'm going to go.. I mean, I don't want to.. interrupt" he finished lamely.
"Oh! No, you can't leave yet. I'm sure that Phillip would love to meet you… hear a story about how you met Rae" she told him, gently dragging him by his arm across the grass to where Phillip stood with Josh saying good bye to people.
Ryan hadn't meant for this. For one small lie to an old woman start snow balling out of control.
"Phillip, dear" Carol greeted him. She let go of his arm and embraced the grieving Phillip in both arms for a long moment.
Ryan found himself looking at Josh, who in turn, was staring back at him.
Maybe he was crazy, but Ryan was pretty sure this little kid in front of him knew what Ryan was doing.
It seemed like hours before Carol and Phillip broke apart, Ryan noticed there were fresh tears in each of their eyes.
"Josh, dear, come give grandma a hug" Carol crouched down, holding out her arms.
Josh didn't move, but was now studying the caskets in which his mother and sister lay.
Carol stood up after a moment, "Phillip, this young man knew Rae from the police station. He just wanted to stop in for a moment and pay his respects but I thought you may want to talk to him. Get the story on another boy Rae helped, who knows, maybe you'll recognize it from the ones Carol would tell at the dinner table"
Phillip turned, slightly nodding his head and offering his hand in a 'hello' gesture. Ryan shook it.
"So, how did you meet Rae? I knew she met a lot of troubled kids in her line of work, but I didn't know she had this much of an affect on them" he attempted a smile.
Suddenly Ryan was overcome with words. Which was a once-in-a-lifetime event for Ryan, because he'd never had so many things to say to one person at one time. Especially someone he didn't even know.
He wanted to tell this man who he really was, where he was from and how he ended up with the Cohens. On the other hand, Ryan wanted to tell him some story made up in the heat of the moment about how his wife was a wonderful person and she had helped him out a lot.
Even though he'd never met her.
"I met her when.." Ryan paused, and Carol put a hand on his elbow again, "It's okay dear, we don't judge here" she told him.
"Mr. Symington, I'm sorry. I've never met your wife, Rae… I… I shouldn't be here I know but… My name is Ryan, Ryan Atwood" he checked the man's eyes that were studying him intently. They showed no sign of recognition at the name 'Atwood'.
"I… Dawn, the woman who.. when she was driving drunk…" he stuttered now, "The woman who killed your wife" he forced out, "I'm her son… I just.. I don't know what I was –"
"Why are you here?" the man demanded, angrily now.
Of course he didn't want anything to do with the child of the woman who had ruined his life.
He said nothing in his defence. He couldn't bring himself to say anything at all, or even utter a sound. He noticed that Carol had taken her hand away from his arm.
"Are you crazy?!" Phillip yelled at him, "You think by coming here you'll fix what your mother did to my wife? To my child? Are you trying to make yourself feel better or something?" he paused, waiting for a reply from Ryan.
A sign. A sound. Anything. It didn't come.
"Get out of here, I don't want to see your face ever again" he spat, his face red.
Ryan backed up a couple steps and brought his gaze down to the ground, walking away.
He hadn't meant for this to happen. He hadn't helped at all, he'd just made things worse. Now not only had he ruined his mother's funeral by being there, he'd ruined the Symingtons' funeral as well.
………………………………
He should have gone back to the car, to where Seth was so he could leave this place for good. But he hadn't.
On the way out, Ryan had changed direction mid-step and headed towards his mother's small grave.
Without the people standing around, and all the pressure of Trey and his father looming over him, Ryan found the small garden-like area very peaceful. Almost… reassuring.
He was so lost in his thoughts that Ryan didn't notice another presence until they stepped on a twig, snapping it in half.
He looked up from the grass on which he sat and found Josh, the little boy from the funeral, standing there looking at him.
"It's not his fault" Josh said.
"Who's?" Ryan asked, confused.
"My dad's. It's not his fault that he's so angry"
"I know" Ryan replied, "I shouldn't have… shown up. I don't blame him"
"You shouldn't blame yourself either" the boy said, then gestured to the small marker encased with dirt, "Is this where your mom is?" he asked.
Ryan nodded.
"Do you miss her?"
He almost laughed. "We… never really got along so well." He attempted to explain.
Josh nodded. "I miss my mom" he finally said.
Ryan swallowed a lump in his throat, "I'm sorry"
"It's not your fault" Josh shrugged.
"How old are you?" Ryan asked the boy, he couldn't remember.
"Seven"
"You seem really… "
"Mature?" the boy asked.
Ryan stared at him, then nodded.
"They skipped me ahead two grades in school, told me I was too smart for my class"
Ryan wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to say to that, but apparently nothing was needed.
"I don't like it. Everyone's bigger than me. The boys pick on me and the girls laugh at me. I miss my old class, my old friends, but dad says I have to do this, or I'll get stupid. Mom and Dad used to fight about it, because mom knew I wasn't happy. That's what happened the night she died. She liked to drive around when she was mad. Said it calmed her down."
"It's not your fault she died" Ryan told the boy.
"If I hadn't started whining-"
Ryan stood up and Josh took a step back, "It's not your fault, Josh. You know who's fault this is? It's not mine, it's not yours, it's not even your dad's or mom's. It's my mother's. She drove drunk and she crossed the median. There's nothing else to it" Ryan told him.
Josh stood there for a moment and suddenly began to cry. He headed towards Ryan who gingerly hugged the small, sobbing, boy.
And suddenly it was like he could breathe again. Like he could do something right. Ryan felt inspired. Positive even.
When Josh finally stopped crying Ryan took his hand and they began walking towards Rae Symington's gravesite together.
They hadn't even gotten there when Ryan heard a voice yelling for Josh. It sounded frantic.
He looked down at the kid, "Did you.. tell your dad where you were going?" Ryan asked him.
Josh shook his head, seemingly speechless again.
"So, what, you don't talk around your dad or something?" Ryan asked, finally catching on.
"I tried. He doesn't listen, so I don't waste my breath."
Ryan sighed.
"Josh!" a voice yelled out just as Phillip Symington walked in to view.
"Over here" Ryan replied for Josh, letting go of his hand.
"What were you doing with my son?" he demanded, approaching Ryan at a fast pace. When he reached him he pushed Josh behind him.
"Nothing.. I.. we were talking" Ryan attempted to explain.
Phillip laughed, "Josh hasn't spoken since his mother died, don't give me that bull shit, now what were you doing with my son?!"
"He was right" Ryan shrugged.
"What, who?"
"Your son, Josh. He told me you didn't listen, and that's why he won't talk, because there's no point!"
Phillip looked shocked for a moment. "He said that?" he asked, in stunned disbelief.
"Yea" Ryan replied, shifting uncomfortably.
"What else did he say?" Phillip asked Ryan.
He hesitated, "That he really wants to go back to his old class.. but maybe you should be asking Josh, not me" Ryan told him, then left.