Believe Me, I'll Be There

Chapter 7 – I want things to be different

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has to do with Gilmore Girls, nor do I own any book/author references.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this up. I've had a lot of homework, and I have a paper due soon. Hopefully chapter 8 will be up soon. I've also been working on a Gilmore Girls website, which you can get the link to if you click on my ff.n screenname. This starts right after chapter 5; it's Rory's POV again.

I spent the rest of the weekend crying. And feeling sorry for myself. Mom tried to comfort me, and it did help. But I couldn't get over it. I couldn't stop thinking about Jess. I used the time I wasn't crying to study, but I still didn't want to go to school on Monday.

"Rory?" I heard as I woke up.

"Mom?"

She came in and sat on the edge of my bed. "Are you okay?"

"What's your definition of okay?"

"Um…"

"I'm tired, upset, I need coffee, I…"

"Yeah?"

"I miss him. And I'm still mad." She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, I added quickly, "I'm not cutting school."

"You sure? Nothing's going on at the Inn today. We could stay here. Listen to music. Watch movies. Talk."

"We had a whole weekend to do that," I said, not smiling.

"We didn't do much talking, though," Mom said softly.

"I couldn't." I got out of bed. "I'm gonna get ready."

"Okay. You want me to drive you to school?"

"No, that's okay," I said. I wanted the time driving to Hartford to be alone. And think. And get control of myself.

About fifteen minutes later, I drank the cup of coffee my mom made me as quickly as I could, and I rushed out the door, yelling goodbye to my mom. Then I started driving to Chilton.

I won't think about Jess. I can't. I can't.

Why did we have to fight? I hurt him, I know I did. I didn't want to hurt him! He hurt me. Why did he say those things… Why did he let me believe he'd done it? What if he didn't? What do I say? How could I…

I parked the car in front of the school, determined to concentrate on my classes, and only on my classes.

It was impossible. I had to stop ignoring how awful this was. Maybe I did need to talk to my mom.

I walked into the house after school, threw my backpack on the floor, and went, loudly, into the living room.

"Hey, what's up, Rory?" Mom said. She looked at me. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Hey, Mom?" I said softly.

"Yes?"

"Can…can we talk?"

She put her arm around me and we went over to the couch. "Sure."

I felt my eyes fill with tears again, and I looked at her, unsure of where to start.

"What happened, Rory?" she asked.

"N-nothing today. I just…"

"No, I mean on Saturday." I almost started to cry, but I thought if I did, I might not have the courage to start talking again.

"I went to the diner. And I just got so mad, and I asked him why he'd done it."

"You didn't ask him if he had actually done it first?"

"No!" I cried.

"Rory, that's not like you."

"I know! I was hurt and I yelled at him. A lot. And I know I said mean things."

"I'm guessing he didn't take it too well?"

"He yelled at me too. He was so mad…he's never been angry with me like that before. I do think…it's very possible he did it, but still he had a right to be! He—" I started crying but kept talking—"he said I wouldn't…be able to survive in New York…"

"He did? Does Luke know about this? I'm gonna—"

"Mom, don't."

"Don't worry. It'll work out. You guys will talk and apologize. Or you'll get over it, and you'll find another guy who's totally crazy about you. And…Jess will find another girl. He'll just have to settle for second best, in that case."

Thinking about another guy, and Jess with another girl, broke my heart. I couldn't speak.

"But listen, Rory? If you think you might want to talk to him, do it. You don't want to have to regret losing anything."

"How could I have said that to him?" I cried. "Jess—"

"It's all right. You didn't do anything wrong."

On Wednesday morning, the first thing I heard after packing my backpack and putting on my uniform was "Rory, what time is it?"

"Seven," I answered.

"Hooray, time for coffee!"

"Mom," I said.

"Listen, I'll just stop at Luke's, then I'll drive you to school."

"Okay," I relented. We got in the car and drove into town. Mom parked. I walked with her up to the steps.

"You okay?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Wanna come in?"

"No."

"I'll get you some coffee." She went in, and I watched her talking to Luke, then Luke turning around to get two cups of coffee. I saw the door to the stairs of Luke's apartment start to open.

Oh no. No, I have to get out of here. Jess came into the diner, but he didn't see me. He looked the same as always, except…he walked slower than usual, the look in his eyes, the whole way he acted was different. Not significantly different, but I knew him well enough to know, just from seeing that, that he was upset.

Jess was good at hiding how he felt, but he obviously couldn't completely hide this. What other reasons could he have to be upset? It's about me. I didn't want him to be upset. Or did I? It sounded awful, but I just wasn't sure. It was getting so hard to keep being mad at him. Especially after seeing him like this. And yet…I guess it's nice to know he did care. He didn't just move on, forget about it. But I should know that he wouldn't do that. He didn't act around me. He didn't used to. Because he didn't have to. Does he think he has to now?

That thought hurt. And why was I acting like everything was gonna be okay? How did I know that? What would possibly cause me to think that?

I had to get out of there. I knew if I didn't, I would completely break down. Possibly at school, possibly there at Luke's. And I couldn't risk that. I went to the car and got back in. Then I pulled the ever-present book out of my bag and started reading, trying to forget Stars Hollow and Luke's and Jess and all of it.

Mom brought the coffee, and we drank it on the way to school without saying much. She didn't mention my going back to the car, understanding.

School was the same as usual. I cam home, and Mom made beef-a-roni for dinner, and I did my homework. I was so tired of being surrounded by everyone. People who didn't know what had happened, didn't understand, or didn't care.

"I'm going out for a while, okay?" I called to my mom. It was about a quarter to nine, the sky a deep blue, a crescent moon shining.

"Okay. Don't come back too late."

"I won't." I got my jacket and I left, going to the bridge without really thinking about it. I needed to be alone.

When I got there, I could see the silhouette of someone quietly sitting on the bridge. It was someone I recognized, but I knew who it was anyway.

I stood there for a few minutes. Jess just sat there, staring down at the water. Then I walked out onto the bridge to sit several feet away from Jess. I thought he probably heard me, probably knew I was there. But if he wasn't going to say anything, then I wouldn't either.

I turned slightly and watched him. He hadn't moved. I could see a book beside him that he obviously hadn't opened. I wondered if he was still mad at me.

I listened to the silence, painfully, for a while. And I finally spoke.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly.

"Do I look okay?" Jess replied, sounding as upset as he looked.

"I guess not."

He turned to look at me for a minute. "So are you okay?"

"No," I answered. I waited for awhile before I said, "What are you doing here?"

"I'll leave."

"I didn't mean that the way I said it."

"Then how did you mean it?" He still wouldn't look at me.

"Why are you here?" I asked, quietly.

"Didn't want Luke to see me cry."

Oh, Jess… He got up and left, without saying anything else, without looking back, just as quietly. I stayed there for a long time.

Why does Harvard suddenly not seem so incredibly important anymore? It's not everything to me now…now I know there are other things just as important. I couldn't watch Jess walk away. Nothing had really changed, had it? But I wished so much it had…