"What?!?!?!" I yelled, "You mean the guy who wears the cape and sucks people's blood?!?!"
"No, you idiot. That's Dracula." His creepy voice seemed to echo through my very soul. Wow. That sounds so Shakespeare…
"Sure…" I said. I know who he is…
"You don't believe me!"
"Yes I do!" I protested.
"I AM SATAN!! KEEPER OF THE DAMNED!!! RULER OF HEEEEEEEELLLLL!!!" Haha. It was funny how he tried to seem scary.
"Suuure…" I rolled my eyes, "So waddya want?"
"I saw what happened with you and your son." He pulled down a screen from out of nowhere and pressed a button on an overhead projector. Nothing happened. He pressed it again… Nothing. He kicked it. "WORK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!" Then it came on. Hey, maybe cursing is the answer to everything. Just like the glove slap…
An image came on the screen of me staring at the TV. The TV going: "Number 10... Michael Jackson… and his nose… but mostly his nose…" Wow, I look good! I watched the whole horrific scene all over again. Bart looked so sad.
"So you want to be cool, huh?" Dracula said to me. "And my name is SATAN!!!"
"Okay, SATAN. I wanna be cool."
"I will provide you with powers beyond your wildest dreams--"
"You mean you'll give me a staff to turn water to blood and all that crap?" I cut in.
"No you dimwit. That was Moses. He's a dork. I'm giving you a magic pack of marijuana that will give you cool powers. But on one condition. You must be my evil minion to bring Hell to the people of earth!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!! Just smoke it and do everything the opposite of what Moses did."
"Sure!! I've been putting it off for the longest time!" I took out my list of things to do before I die and crossed out:
Become evil minion of SATAN by using a pack of magic marijuana.
It was right under:
Meet, party with, and then kill Santa.
My dreams are coming true!!! SATAN handed me my pack of magic joints, patted me on the head, and sent me on my merry way. After walking up a flight of stairs that seemed endless, (well, endless for me would be 5 stairs for you) I stepped into an elevator with Hitler in a tutu.
"HAIL HITLER!" I yelped and did the hand thing I saw on the
Three Stooges.
"Hail Hitler my ass." He said looking very miffed. The elevator went up and when I got to the surface I smoked a joint from my pack and suddenly I felt like I was full of energy! I felt like a 17 year old again! Only fatter… and balder…
I saw Flanders step out of his house wearing a pink and purple striped sweater and short white shorts. I yelled, "Hey Flanders! If I were you I'd change my name and move to a foreign country!"
"O gee! Thanks for the constructive criticism, Homer! I picked I out myself! I happen to like this outfit, but I'll keep your suggestion in mind." He yelled from across his perfect lawn. I used my super sight to read the tag on his sweater: MADE IN WALMART Ha. What a cheapo. I have enough money to get my clothes from the dollar store.
"That wasn't constructive criticism, Flanders!" I yelled, "I'm just telling you how much you suck!!! HAHAHA!!!"
"Okee-diddly-dokee!"
"They should make a movie about how much you suck!!!" I laughed and ran away.
"Have a nice day!"
Flanders sucks. Now, to impress the crap out of Bart. I can see it now…
I see Bart being beat up by his superiors. I rush over, Superhero music playing. DUN DUN DUN!!!
"Oh no!! It's Superhomer!!!" They yell in terror. I lift my hand and flick them all the way to MARS!!!
"Wow, Dad! You're the coolest!!!!" Bart yipped with delight. "I want to be just like you when I grow up! Even though I'll never be able to because I'm a weak, bratty little rat with no brains!"
"That's right, son" I say with pride. The people of Earth then dedicate a national holiday to me.
"What day should we make it?" says the president. "I know! December 25th!"
"But sir!" says the vice president, "That's Christmas!"
"Screw Christmas! The only holiday that matters anyway is Mischief Night!"
Then the people of the world all scream:
"ALL HAIL HOMER!!! ALL HAIL HOMER!!!! HOMER… HOMER… HOMER…..
"HOMER!!!"
I looked up from my daydream. I gasped at who I saw!!! It was none other than…