A CHEERLEADER!!!! AAAAAH!!! No… wait… it's just Bart.

"Hey!" Bart yelled. "You are looking especially evil-minion-of-Satan-like today."

"Oh," I replied, "Is it because of the upside-down pentagram on my forehead, or the sticker on my shirt that says 'Hi. I'm an evil minion of Satan'?"

"Yeah, whatever. Listen Homer, I need to take you to school today for career day and mom isn't here. Come on."

"WAIT!!!" I interrupted in a superman voice. "Let's take the Hell Mobile!"

Batman music played as a red convertible rose up from the ground as if from a fiery elevator. The bumper sticker read, "I speed up for small animals."

Dunanananananana HOMER!!!

We jumped in the car and drove to Bart's school, running over as many innocent pedestrians as I could.

"But Dad!" Bart protested, "Those people are innocent!"

"Yes," I said, "Unusually so… They are suspicious and must be destroyed!!"

BUMP went the car as I ran over a morbidly obese priest/organ donor. I just prevented the saving of about 5 lives just then. YAY!

We arrived. We stepped into Bart's classroom.

"Will everyone please be seated." said Mrs.Crobopawapawople (Homer no spell gewd.)

"Ouchie!!" I yelled, "I just sat on something sharp!! Oh, wait… That's just Lara Flynn Boyle."

"Okay Mr. Simpson, you go first. Tell us who you are and what you do." said the teacher.

I got up in front of the class. "My name is Homer Simpson. I am an evil drunken man from Hell. I enjoy torturing cute little children." A little girl began to cry. "Oh, it's okay. You can stop crying… Wait… It's not okay! I just want you to stop crying! SHUT UP!!!" I said as we were enclosed in a circle of fire and I grew vampire teeth! All the better to eat you with, my dohnuts! Mmmm… Dohnuts…

She looked up, "My mama tells me nursery rhymes to make me stop crying. Telling me I ruined her life doesn't make it any better, though."

The circle of fire went out. "Uuuugh… okay." Nursery rhyme music plays

"Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey… Along came a spider…" she stopped crying "and st down beside her" she smiled "and said…

HEY!!! WHAT'S IN THE BOWL BITCH?!?!?!?"

She ran away screaming. Hehe. I wonder when this will be over. I need to finish watching "Nuns Gone Wild!"

"Okay, Mr. Simpson, that is quite enough." said the teacher, "Any questions?" A cute A student raised her hand. "Yes?"

"Mr. Simpson," she said, "Thank you. You've inspired me to be a serial arsonist when I grow up!"

"Oookay… Any more questions?" said Mrs. Crabapple.

Suddenly, I fell into a fiery dimension with little flying demons everywhere. Fantasia (demon part) music playing What? You never saw Fantasia?!?! You bastard! The demon part was the best!!!

"Shut the Hell up, Homer."

"Hey! I'm talkin to myself here! (mumbles) rude…" A mirror appears in front of me. "Hey! Who's that sexy bastard? Why it's me!!"

"Oh, shut the Hell up, Homer." an ominous voice said. My reflection turned into Satan.

"AH!" I yelped.

"Hey, I don't look that bad! What the Hell is wrong with you?!?! You're supposed to be doing my evil work. How the Hell can you do that if you are lollygagging with schoolchildren?!?! Take another smoke and FUFILL YOUR DESTINY!!!"

The dimension dissipated from around me. Hehe… Homer know big word… Homer hapeeee… I took a puff and felt like a SUPER 17 year old… only fatter… and balder… Something felt different, though. I found myself outside my house. A group of nuns surrounded me.

"We know what you're up to, you vile man! We will not let you carry out Satan's wishes!!!" spat one of them.

"Shut up you whore!" I yelled at her.

"WHAT?!?! NO! I am a child of God! I would nev--"

"No, you're a child of two gay prostitutes and an anonymous sperm donor. Hey!" I said pointing to the blonde nun beside her, "Weren't you in 'Nuns Gone Wild'?"

They gasped. "It's always the blonde ones," said one of them, shaking her head, "Okay, girls. Time to burn another one."

"NOOOOO!!!" screeched the blonde one, "I needed money! Please don't burn me! 250.000 dollars worth of silicone implants gone to waste!!!"

I shrugged and went inside.

Bart, stabbed a box of cheerios. Hehe… I'm a serial killer… Hey! Now I know what's different! I can read people's minds!!! I can also grant wishes! I don't know why I know that. I guess the author didn't feel like writing an explanation. BlaqAyngl, you lazy bitch… You also made a continuity error!! It's Saturday!!! There's no school!!!

(Sorry Homer) Don't you sorry me!! You and your "advanced" vocabulary

and your "advanced" writing skills! You don't even try on my story! (Alright already, Homer! Lay off before I make it Monday on your ass!)

Sorry, BlaqAyngl. (Too Late.)

Monday 11:00 AM Still Homer's perspective

A walked into Dunkin Donuts. I walked over to the cashier.

"Hi." I said, "Do you have any secrets?"

Sometimes, when I'm all alone, I think naughty thoughts about my pet monkey, George… "No, sir. I don't. Weirdo… Would you like to order something?" He said.

No, sir. I don't. Would you like to order something?" He said.

I giggled like a little girl. "Yes. I'll have a chocolate donut… and Uuuummmmm…"

God, what a dingbat…

"What did you say?!?!" I said, breaking out of my daily moron trance.

"Nothing." Fucking bum

"Alright, that's it!!!" I pulled something out of my pocket.

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's a SPELL!!! In a shell" I said ominously, "From Hell…"

A shell from Hell?

"Yes, Mel. A spell in a shell from Hell. I can tell…"

How does he know my name?

"Silence!!! I curse you!!! I shall make you… A PREP!!!"

ZZZZAAAPP!!!!!

"Like, omigod!! Noooo!!! I have got to, like, put myself out of my misery!!!" he screamed. He pulled a gun out of nowhere (like in those cartoons) and shot himself. His blood splattered all over the éclairs.

"Nooo! Not the éclairs!!!! I wanted one so badly!" said an anonymous Springfield citizen named Miguel, "I'd die for an éclair!"

"Okay," I said, "Here ya go!"

"YAY!!"

BOOM!!! He exploded. That was really fun… I like explodey!!!!

"Here is a chocolate donut, sir." said a cute little girl, "It was mine, but you can have it."

"Awww," I said, "Thank you. You're a good girl, even though you're mother has just died under the knife of a deranged plastic surgeon and was sent to Hell."

I exited the store and came across two criminally insane 18 year old guys with anarchy signs shaved into their hair.

"You seem like a couple of good boys. Let me grant you two wishes."

"I wish all the people in Springfield were women." said the first guy. It happened, but not to me. Haha, I am immune!!!!

"I wish for a motorcycle." said the second guy. A Harley Davidson appeared in front of him (with crappy 70's special effects.)

The second guy looked at the first guy weird. Dude, he could've just stolen one of those. I'm not wasting my wishes.

"In fact, I wish all the people in the world were women!!!" I made that happen, too. I rock!!!

The second guy got on the motorcycle, revved it up, began to drive away and yelled, "I WISH THAT GUT WAS GAY!!!!" I like the way this guy thinks. I made it happen. Ha… he wasn't happy…