Chapter 4
I probably don't have to tell you that Violet was overjoyed to see Quigley again and that Quigley was equally as overjoyed to see Violet. I probably don't have to tell you that Sunny, for the most part, hung back and grinned a toothy grin. I probably don't have to tell you that there was much hugging in the little reunion, and I definitely don't have to tell you that Violet and Quigley compared facts, a phrase which here means "told one another exactly what had happened since the last time they had seen each other."
"So I was shooting down the river and I ended up on Briny Beach, for whatever reason," Quigley told the two Baudelaire girls. "And there was a woman there. She told me that she'd take me to the last safe place if I kept quiet and didn't ask questions. Well, I was so dazed that I never thought to ask if she was on our side of the schism or not, and I had told you to meet me at Hotel Denouement, so—"
"Is that what you said? We couldn't hear you over the rush of the waterfall!" Violet said.
"I did. So we ended up in front of your mansion, Violet, and I knew that it couldn't be Hotel Denouement because I had seen many dozens of maps of the city. But the woman said to follow her, and we went through a long, long tunnel and came out at the building next door. And then we went up on the roof and parasailed over to this roof. And then, when we reached this roof, the woman told me she had to go. I asked her what her name was, and she just told me 'R.' Isn't that odd?"
"Very odd," Violet agreed. "What happened then?"
"She took her parasail and flew off," Quigley answered. "What has happened with you?"
"Well, we went aboard the Queequeg and after finding out about the Medusoid Mycelium—that's a deadly mushroom—we got your Volunteer Factual Dispatch and came to Briny Beach, where Kit was waiting for us in the taxi. But Quigley, they took Klaus into the secret luncheon in the Vicinity For Dining, and then Kit fell through a hole in the floor, and now we don't know what to do next!"
"Hmm," Quigley said ponderously, a word which here means "considering everything Violet had told him and what he knew from experience." "This is a predicament."
"Dessert!" Sunny said suddenly.
Violet gasped and put a hand to her forehead. "That's right! Kit mentioned making Veronal Fulminating Desserts to serve to the luncheon, and all we would have to do was make up a reason why we needed them to give Klaus to us."
"Make up a reason?" Quigley repeated.
"Yes, make up a reason. It has to be slightly ridiculous, because they'll be woozy from the Various Febrifugal Drugs in the Dessert. The condition is called Virtuous Flax Disease."
Quigley racked his brain, a phrase which here means "thought very hard about why they would need Klaus for a ridiculous reason." "I can't think of anything," he said.
"Neither can we," Violet admitted sadly.
"But we can still make the desserts, can't we? And then we can think for a reason after they're ready."
Violet nodded. "Let's do that, then. Kit mentioned that the recipe for the Various Febrifugal Drugs was in the Hotel Denouement kitchen, which is on the first floor."
"Let's go," Quigley said resolutely, and the three volunteers hurried out of the room and to the first floor.
While they were in the elevator, which turned out to be very spacious and comfortable, almost like a room within itself, the intercom buzzed on. Violet turned her attention toward the small speaker in the corner of the elevator as it passed floor thirty-two. "Attention, please. Will Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor please come to the front desk. Your previously requested guest is waiting. Thank you, that is all."
"Esmé Squalor?" Quigley said in a worried tone.
"Geraldine," Sunny said.
"Yes, Esmé wanted to know when a woman named Geraldine Julienne checks in," Violet told Quigley.
"Geraldine Julienne? Hm…that sounds vaguely familiar," Quigley commented, using a phrase that here means "like I've heard it somewhere before."
"It's almost as if we've heard it somewhere before," Violet agreed, "but we can't remember where."
"That's for certain," Quigley answered. "Are we there yet?"
"Almost," said Sunny, which meant something along the lines of, "Not quite, but we are close."
At last the bell on the elevator gave a loud ding and the three of them stepped into the lobby and let the doors shut behind them. Violet started to head for the front desk but stopped dead in her tracks, a phrase which here means "because she saw Esmé Squalor at the desk." "Quick, hide!" she hissed, and she, Quigley, and Sunny dove out of sight behind the empty concierge desk.
"Your guest has arrived, ma'am," the man said, still bored.
"I know that, you made an announcement!" Esmé cried impatiently. "Where is she?"
"She's putting her luggage in her room, room 836. It's the last room we had left; most of the others are reserved for the big gathering on Thursday."
"What?!" Esmé cried. "You imbecile! You fool! Why would you let her go up when we are so obviously right across the lobby? It's not in to disregard an important financial advisor such as myself! What do you think you are doing?"
"I just work here, ma'am."
At this, Esmé let out what sounded like a groan crossed with an inhuman battle cry, and she stormed off toward the elevators. The Baudelaires and Quigley didn't emerge from their hiding spot until the elevator had safely disappeared, and then they looked at each other with concern.
"It must be very important to her to have everyone assembled," Quigley said worriedly.
"It does sound like it," Violet agreed, concern wrinkling her forehead. "But we don't have time to consider what this means. He or she who hesitates is lost. And in this case, if we hesitate, our brother is lost. So we have to get to the kitchen."
"One problem," Quigley said sheepishly, a word which here means "ashamed because he hadn't told the Baudelaires this before." "I don't know where the kitchen is."
"But you told us in the elevator that you had studied all sorts of maps of the hotel!" Violet said disbelievingly.
"I did," said Quigley, "but I don't remember where on the first floor the kitchen is located. We can always ask the front desk. They'd be happy to oblige. I'll do it, if you wait here."
Quigley hurried over to the man, while Violet and Sunny hung back, a phrase which here means "stayed where they were while Quigley figured out where they were going." Violet shivered and thought of her brother, and how unpleasantly the villains were probably treating him, and how many times since he had been taken that they could have used him most. And Sunny thought of how Kit had mysteriously disappeared, and where she could have ended up, and how they hadn't stopped moving since arriving at the hotel. In Sunny's mind, "safe" was synonymous with "rest," so the youngest Baudelaire didn't understand how the last safe place could contain so much running from danger. But, she reasoned, it might have been just because she was a Baudelaire, and unfortunate things were always happening to her, so she'd better get used to it. And I'm very sorry to say that she was right.
It took Quigley less than thirty seconds to ask the man and walk back, and he told Violet and Sunny in a low tone, "It's through the double doors to the right," and the three set off running, and Sunny was proven right. They ran until they came to a door marked with a large sign that said, "KITCHEN," though not aloud or it might have been too conspicuous. Violet began to open the door, but Quigley grabbed her hand away and put a finger on her lips, and then brought his ear closer to the door. Sunny and Violet did the same.
"Goodness gracious," a voice inside was saying, "so many pots and pans and ingredients—and books! It's like a mini-library in here! This is wonderful! I'll have so many things to cook! I wonder where the captain is, and if the children made it out all right. I'm sure they did, though, so there's no need to worry about it. I'll just whip up some fancy vanilla pudding, and then I'll feel good as new!"
Feeling good as new is a very vague term. When you were new, you were a baby, and your age was measured in minutes and not years. When someone says they feel good as new, they rarely mean that they feel like crying and screaming and sucking their thumb and resisting too much light exposure. They feel new like they have just gotten out of bed, particularly if they are a morning person, and the new day is before them. The voice inside the kitchen sounded like a voice that was used to feeling good as new, which usually means "extra chipper," and Violet and Sunny soon realized exactly who they were listening to. Violet threw the door open.
"Phil!" she said.
"Cookie!" Sunny exclaimed.
"Baudelaires!" Phil cried, dropping his pots and pans on the stove with a loud clang. "I knew you'd made it out all right! Where's Klaus, and who is this that you're with?"
Violet had momentarily forgotten her brother's plight, a word which here means "being kidnapped by Count Olaf," and she was so ashamed of having forgotten him for even one teensy little second that she dropped her gaze, a phrase which here means "looked down at the tiled floor and summoned up every memory of Klaus she could remember." Quigley took a step forward and extended his hand so Phil could shake it. "I'm Quigley Quagmire, sir," he said politely. "I'm here to help."
"Well, of course you are!" Phil said brightly, a large grin on his face. "I knew the minute you walked in that you were here to help. The question is, help with what? And where is Klaus?"
"Klaus was taken," Violet said softly. "Olaf has him."
"Oh," Phil said quietly. As I'm sure you know, when someone says, "Oh," they either mean a) that they are not particularly interested in what the person has just said, or b) that they completely understand what the person said. Of course, these are not all the reasons for saying, "Oh." One could say, "Oh," and then say, "Laugh," and they would be saying a name for a villainous count who schemed and kidnapped to steal fortunes. But in this case, Phil was saying that he completely understood. Whether or not he completely understood remained to be seen, and from his next comment, the Baudelaires and Quigley deduced, a word that here means "figured out," that Phil did not completely understand the seriousness of the situation. "He's probably fine," Phil told them. "He might even be having the time of his life!"
"Optimist," Sunny told Quigley, which meant something like, "Phil can always see the bright side of things."
When someone tells you something utterly ridiculous or nonsensical, sometimes it is best to tell them exactly why they are utterly ridiculous or nonsensical. But other times, it is best to just ignore the utterly ridiculous or nonsensical comment completely. Violet chose to do the latter.
"Phil, we have a plan to get Klaus out of the Vicinity For Dining," she said, completely ignoring his utterly ridiculous and nonsensical comment. "We have to find the recipe for Veronal Fulminating Desserts and make a bunch of them to give to the secret luncheon. Have you looked at any of the cookbooks in here?"
"Not yet," Phil answered. "I was admiring the fine pots and pans they keep in this establishment."
"First things first," said Violet, using a phrase which here means "everything important is more important than everything else, so we must take care of it before we take care of anything else." "Everyone grab a cookbook and see if you can find the recipe for Veronal Fulminating Desserts, quick!"
Quickly, the four of them raided the cupboard and shelves for every cookbook in the establishment, a word which here means "Hotel Denouement," and began to riffle through the pages to find the recipe for Veronal Fulminating Desserts, which turned out to be nearly impossible. There were thousands of thousands of pages of recipes, all of which were long and confusing and in tiny print. Half of them sounded disgusting, another fourth sounded scrumptious, a word which here means "like good food," and most of them could make more acrostic poetry. Violet wrinkled her nose at Vegetable Filet Dish and Veal, Fish, and Dolphin. Quigley cringed at Very Full Diet and Villus Food Digits. Phil thought all of them sounded delicious and busied himself with his pots and pans. But it was Sunny who finally found the recipe they needed, after nearly fifteen minutes of fruitless searching.
"Veronal Fulminating Desserts!" she cried, jabbing her finger at a page in front of her.
"Good job, Sunny!" Violet said. "What are the ingredients?"
"Flassa, creem, ohjay, cheez," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "Flaxseed, whipped cream, orange juice, and cheese."
Violet wrinkled her nose again. "Sounds disgusting."
"Only chance," Sunny told her. "Save Klaus."
"You're right, Sunny. Everyone split up and look for flaxseed, whipped cream, orange juice, and cheese!"
They spread out over the large kitchen. Quigley looked in the refrigerator, which (fortunately) had orange juice and whipped cream. "We have two of them," he said. "Only two more left." Sunny opened an entire row of cupboards before pulling out a box of cheese crackers. "Cheez!" she said happily.
But the flaxseed was harder to find. "I don't believe most chefs keep flaxseed on hand," Violet said, using a phrase which here means "close by in case they need it to cook with." "Don't you make linen with it?"
"Yes," said Phil, "but I'm sure there's some around here somewhere."
"What are you looking for?" came a voice from the doorway.
All four of them wheeled around. Phil wheeled around so fast that he spilled some of the orange juice and slipped in it. At the doorway ("Oh, no, we left the door open!" Violet thought worriedly) stood a boy and a girl, almost the exact height, but completely different in physical appearance. The girl had pale, pale skin, the color of the moon at midnight, with a sprinkling of freckles across her rather large nose. Her hair was curly and messy, and under the glaring light of the kitchen it shone a vibrant red. The boy had an olive complexion, which does not mean that he had olives for skin. His skin was the color of olive skins, making him look less like a person and more like a plant. He had dark hair that hung just above his ears, and the most noticeable thing about him was that he was wearing a pair of steel-toed boots. Both of them looked deadly serious.
"We're—not looking for anything," Violet said nervously, knowing that it was a feeble excuse and they wouldn't believe her. Behind her, Quigley was helping Phil to his feet.
"Are you all right?" he hissed.
"Oh, yes, I'm fine. My leg broke my fall," Phil answered optimistically.
"I don't believe you," said the girl, eying them suspiciously. "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
Violet swallowed and thought of the false Daily Punctilio articles. "Um, I don't believe you could have—"
"Heimlich!" Sunny cried suddenly.
Violet wheeled around again, this time thinking someone was choking and needed the Heimlich maneuver, a very unpleasant process in which someone squeezes a choking person's stomach to make the item which is blocking the air passage come out. I am told it is very, very uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as choking. But no one was choking. Quigley and Phil looked at Violet mutely, a word which here means "without saying a word." Then Violet looked back down at Sunny. "What is it, Sunny?" she asked, rather worried.
But Sunny pointed at the redheaded girl. "Heimlich!"
For once, Violet was at a loss, a phrase which here means "unsure of what Sunny was trying to tell her." "What are you saying?" she asked.
"Heimlich!" Sunny insisted.
Violet looked up at the girl, who was staring at Sunny with a ponderous expression. "I'm sorry, but do you know anything about Heimlich?"
"Heimlich Hospital," the girl said softly.
"Heimlich!" Sunny cried, glad that someone had understood her.
"What about Heimlich Hospital?" Violet asked, confused.
"I was there…when you were there."
"Yeah!" Sunny cried. "Saw you!"
"You were part of V.F.D., weren't you?" the girl asked, a grin breaking out on her face. "You were part of the Volunteers Fighting Disease, right?"
"Yeah!" said Sunny. "Clarissa Dalloway!"
The girl nodded. "Yes, that is my name. How did you remember?"
"Sad," said Sunny. "In hospital."
The girl gave a huge smile. "No, I was just acting sad. That's my special skill to help V.F.D. The real V.F.D., that is. I'm a great pretender. I was practicing."
"So they're on our side?" asked the boy, sounding relieved.
"Sounds like it," Clarissa replied. "Everyone, I'm Clarissa Dalloway, and this is my brother, Ronald Dalloway."
"Are you two related?" Quigley asked. "You don't look a thing like each other!"
Clarissa and Ronald looked at each other, as if they were realizing this for the first time. "Guess not," Ronald finally said with a laugh. "You two must be two of the Baudelaires Kit told us so much about."
"Kit?" Violet asked, finally finding her voice. "You knew Kit Snicket?"
"She was our mentor," Ronald answered. "When we got recruited, she taught us how to use our skills."
"What's your skill?" Phil asked him.
"Writing in code," Ronald answered. "I know all sorts of codes. I learned about them here in the V.F.D. library."
"Library?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "V.F.D. has a library? Where is it?"
"Listen, we really don't have time to talk," Violet said, her eyes already scanning the shelves again for a container of flaxseed. "We have to make some Veronal Fulminating Desserts and save my brother from Count Olaf!"
"Neither of you would happen to know if the Hotel Denouement kitchen contains flaxseed, would you?" Quigley asked them.
Clarissa and Ronald looked at each other understandingly, a word which here means "knowing what the other was thinking." Clarissa nodded. Ronald walked across the tiles to one of the open cupboards, which he closed. He shut the next one also. The others watched in confusion as he shut four more in a row.
"Huh?" Sunny said, which meant, "I am rather confused."
Ronald turned back to her and nodded. Then he moved back to the third one he had touched and opened it. It was full to bursting, a phrase which here means "quite full," of boxes of noodles. He closed it and reopened it. This time it had all sorts of soup cans in it. He closed it and opened it again, and this time it had—
"Seeds?" Violet exclaimed in amazement, taking a jar out. "'Flaxseed'?" she read aloud. "Amazing!"
"That was incredible!" Phil exclaimed. "How did you do that?"
"Code," Ronald answered. "I've learned every Hotel Denouement code there is. I knew it would come in handy someday to learn the kitchen seed code."
"All right, then," Quigley said, impressed. "Do you two want to help us?"
"Because we'd understand if you'd rather not," Violet added quickly.
Clarissa and Ronald looked at each other. "Absolutely," Ronald said. "But first, tell us this: Do any of you know Kit Snicket?"
Violet, Sunny, and Quigley all looked around at each other. "Why?" Violet finally asked.
"She was our mentor, like we said before," Clarissa answered. "She was supposed to be tutoring us on our skills. She left this morning and said she'd be back this afternoon—but she hasn't returned yet. We're beginning to get a bit worried."
"She came to get us," Violet told them, "and then when we were up in our room again, she fell through a hole in the floor. We're afraid that Count Olaf might have her in his clutches."
"Desserts," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "It was Kit's idea to make Veronal Fulminating Desserts to get our brother back." Violet translated for the Dalloways.
"Well," Clarissa said finally, "I guess it's just as much our business as it is yours. How could we refuse?"
"We couldn't," Ron answered. "Let's get to work on these desserts."
Everyone spread out over the kitchen and formed a sort of an assembly line, which is a line of people, usually with a conveyor belt, each having a task to make the finished product. The Baudelaires, Dalloways, Quigley, and Phil did the best they could, as they did not have a conveyor belt at their disposal. Violet crushed the flaxseed, Sunny mixed it with the orange juice, Quigley crushed the cheese crackers, Clarissa dumped them in, Ron filled each bowl with whipped cream, and Phil carefully placed a cherry on top of each dessert. As the assembly line continued on in its paces, Sunny asked Phil to recount to them what had happened since they had last seen him by saying, "Tell!" and getting Violet to translate.
"Well," said Phil, sticking a perfectly round cherry on top of a perfectly sculpted mountain of whipped cream, "Captain Widdershins and I were staring out one of the portholes…actually, I was; the captain was staring at his sonar device, and we waited an awfully long time for you four to return, and the captain was beginning to get worried, but I told him that everything was probably fine and you were probably having the time of your lives. So then I heard this noise, and the captain began to panic, but I told him it was probably a bit of seaweed and we shouldn't lose our heads. But then we heard a distinct knock, and I was beginning to get a little bit worried."
Violet and Quigley exchanged glances, a phrase which here means "looked at each other knowing that it must have been horribly terrifying if Phil had gotten scared."
"So the captain looked out the window—and there was a woman outside the porthole. She wasn't wearing any gear at all, but she had a little device in her mouth allowing her to breath underwater. I thought it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen, and so I told the captain to let her in so I could get a closer look at her breather. Actually, I never really got the chance to look at hers, but she did give me my own when we left." He took a small spherical device out of his pocket and waved it at them, as if to show them that his story was indeed true.
"What did she tell you?" Clarissa asked, absorbed in the story.
"She said that she was a friend of V.F.D. and that she knew where the sugar bowl is!" Phil proclaimed in a whisper.
Violet nearly jumped off the floor where she was smashing the flaxseed into usable slivers. "Where? Where is it? Phil, we have to get to it before Olaf does!"
"Oh, I'm sure Olaf and his crew haven't even thought of the sugar bowl yet," Phil said with a large reassuring smile. "But the woman didn't tell us where it was. She didn't even tell us her name. All she did was tell us to get off the submarine quickly, or else all would be lost. I thought that maybe she was overreacting to something, because everything seemed A-OK, but the captain started reciting his personal philosophy and ordered me to activate the valve, so I did, and we left the submarine for you four to find. Apparently you did perfectly all by yourselves! Done!"
The last word of Phil's story wasn't really part of the story at all, but merely a declaration that he had put the finishing touches, a phrase which here means "a cherry," on the last Veronal Fulminating Dessert. Violet surveyed their accomplishments with pride. "Check the recipe," she told Sunny. "Is that all there is to it?"
Sunny shuffled over to the recipe book that the recipe was contained in, flipped to the page, and skimmed to the bottom. Then she gave a sharp intake of breath. "Nine!" she exclaimed. "Nine more!"
"Nine more what, Sunny?" Quigley asked, taking the book from her. His eyes fell on the place on the page at which she had been pointing. His face fell. "It needs to sit for nine hours before it's ready?"
"What?" Violet cried, taking the book from him. "That can't be right!"
"Is," Sunny said sadly. "Have to wait."
Phil checked his watch, which was working perfectly despite all the time he had spent underwater. "This is almost opportune!" he told them. "It is eleven o'clock at night! Amazing! We can spend the night here while waiting for these Veronal Fulminating Desserts to prepare themselves! Wow, we have perfect timing. Everyone lay down and have a good night's sleep."
Often when someone tells you to have a good night's sleep, you are in a bed or a cot or at the very least a sleeping bag, and you have a pillow and a stuffed animal, if you so have the need. But all the children had to sleep on was the hard kitchen floor, and even when they huddled up all next to each other, it was still pretty cold for sleeping. And even if they could get somewhat comfortable, all the children could think of was Count Olaf and his evil crew of associates, each more evil than the last. One by one, they all dropped off to sleep, so no one was awake when a figure silently slipped into the kitchen and covered Sunny's mouth with a black-gloved hand.
"Sunny Baudelaire," said a female voice, "you are coming with me."