NOTE: If any of you guys like Final Fantasy 7, please check out my OTHER story. It's under my profile. TOODLES!
Chapter 3
Haru's Mission! Aim for Sucking the Gobstopper Longest!
I'm sure you're all wanting to know what will become of poor Hatori's group after they were stranded in the middle of nowhere, but FIRST we have to find out what kind of SNACKS Kureno's group got! I don't want to get my priorities all mixed up. So this next part happened BEFORE Ayame's car ran out of gas, but AFTER they stopped at the Buddy Barn's Gas Station. Got it? Got it? GOT IT? Good.
BEEEP!!
" Hey, it's a gas station! Let's stop and get some food there!" Kyo exclaimed, because he was very, very hungry and he didn't think he could take it any longer.
" I have to use the restroom!" Momiji whined because he was one of those people that never did right before you leave like you're supposed to.
" I need batteries." Rin said. Everyone turned around to look at her. BATTERIES? But… why? They hadn't seen her with a CD player or a Game Boy the whole trip. Why did she need batteries? Everyone wanted to ask, but then again, Rin is a horse that is easily offended, and they didn't want her yelling at them, so they just didn't ask.
" Well, the car IS almost out of gas…" Kureno sighed, as if it really weren't that big of a deal. " Alright. Everyone can get a drink and a snack, but Rin, you're gonna have to pay for your OWN batteries."
" That's alright. I have my own money. I'll even buy my own snacks and drink." Rin said, and then tossed her hair and opened the door to prance into the gas station like a diva, but they hadn't really stopped the car yet, so she almost fell out of the still moving car. She slammed the door hard, took a few deep breaths, and then went back to looking bored.
And so, Kureno pulled into the Buddy Barn Gas Station while Ayame sped foolishly ahead of them. Everyone piled out of the van, and headed into the gas station. Kyo needed to use the restroom, but since Momiji had said it first, he wasn't about to get into an argument over who gets the restroom first. Plus, it was probably moldy and cockroach infested anyway.
" BATHROOM!" Momiji exclaimed, and fled off to the restroom once they had entered the store. There was only one guy working at the Buddy Barn Gas Station. That Buddy Barn Guy.
" Oh, wait! That's the girl's bathroom!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy, appearing in every single Shoopuf Dude story I ever write in my life.
" It doesn't matter with him." Kureno informed the Buddy Barn Guy casually, but apparently it DID, because Momiji frolicked out of the girl's bathroom and into the boy's one.
" Okay… does everyone know what they want?" Kureno asked the assorted teenagers.
" No." Said everyone, except for Yuki, who didn't say anything. He KNEW what he wanted. Cheese. And lots of it. But you can't just say " CHEESE!" when everyone else is saying that they don't know what they want. Even if you ARE Yuki Sohma.
" Okay…" Kureno sighed, " Let's rendevous by the Perky's Pizza Parlor." He said, pointing to a big pizza booth with a parrot eating pepperoni pleasantly. Oh man, I love alliteration.
" Roger!" Said everyone, only it was 'yokai!' or some other strange japanese equivalent to roger. And so began the search for everyone's snacks.
We'll start with Ritsu, because I was neglecting him. Well, Ritsu had been very quiet about the snacks, because he didn't want to say what he wanted, because then someone ELSE might have wanted what he wanted, and then he would have to apologize for being a copycat. But you know what Ritsu REALLY wanted? A hot dog. A sasuage. A wiener.
So, he looked around for the rotating hot dog thing, but it was hard to find. Finally, after he searched and searched, he found the rotating hot dog thing! There was only one hot dog left, going round and round and round. Ritsu was so happy. For once in his life, no one was there to berate him about eating hot dogs, or depress him by taking his hot dog, or even make him feel so guilty that he didn't even LIKE hot dogs anymore. He reached for the hot dog with shiny eyes making a happy little 'uwaaa…' sound.
" Are you taking that?" Said some random lady with a buisness suit and hair in a bun. She pointed to the hot dog, like she would like it, but didn't HAVE to have it.
" Um… no! No, you can have it!" Ritsu said meekly, and let her get in front of him and take the hot dog away in a little box so she could eat it. He then walked away to go cry in the corner.
Now, we'll move onto Tohru. Tohru was going to get cracker jack, but she decided she would rather get something she could share with everyone. So then she decided to get some candy. But all the cheap candy didn't come with enough to share with everyone, and she couldn't ask Kureno for money to buy a big bag of candy because that would be just plain rude. She would have gotten potato chips, but they would have gotten the van messy. Eventually Tohru decided that if she didn't get ANYTHING she wouldn't have to feel bad about not being able to share with anyone. So she just got a strawberry fanta because she wanta fanta and she LOVED strawberries!
As for Rin… that, my friend, will remain a mystery, because what is Rin, but the horse… of mystery…?
Kureno was waiting for everyone to rendevous with him, sipping a slurpee, because if you were VERY careful, you could drink about three of them, and only pay for one when you checked out. I know you might have thought Kureno was responsible like Hatori, but he's actually conniving like some conniving chicken.
Kyo got some Everlasting Gobstoppers and a Red Bull, even though he hated Red Bull. He just thought it would make him look tough. He got Everlasting Gobstoppers because he felt like this trip was going to take a long, long time.
Yuki wanted to get cheese, but if he only got cheese, it would ruin his image. He decided he would find a way to sneak the cheese without anyone realizing he had a cheese fetish. But how? HOW?
Well, he could get a drink, but that still wouldn't hide what he got to EAT. And he couldn't pay for the cheese seperately, because he didn't have any money. And he couldn't steal it, because stealing was wrong.
How WAS Yuki gonna get that cheese?
Maybe he could get something WITH the cheese that would distract everyone and make them forget about the cheese. He looked over to see what Kyo was doing. He was picking up a box of Everlastng Gobstoppers. Yuki waited for him to leave, and then picked up his own box of Everlasting Gobstoppers. There. Now that would hide the cheese. He went over to get one of those plastic wrapped wedges of cheese, and prayed to the Gods that no one would think it was strange.
Everyone walked back to Kureno to give him their food items except for Rin, who had already paid for them and dissapeared back outside to the car. Kureno was on his fifth slurpee by now, and needed to use the restroom. He figured that he would go pay for their things and then go, and then they would be off!
" HEY!" Kyo yelled, " You got Everlasting Gobstoppers! I'M getting Everlasting Gobstoppers! YOU'RE COPYING ME!" He shook his box of Everlasting Gobstoppers at Yuki angrily.
" You can BOTH get Everlasting Gobstoppers." Tohru said obviously. Well, of course they CAN, but MAY they both get Everlasting Gobstoppers?
Yuki didn't say anything. He was so happy that no one was noticing his cheese!
" You'll get yours, you damn rat!" Kyo promised Yuki, who wasn't even listening. " I'M going to the bathroom!" He declared, as if everybody REALLY needed to know and marched off.
" What's wrong with our little Kyo-chan today?" Kureno said foolishly. Well… he's the CAT!
" Okay, I'll pay for these. Yuki, do you know how to put gas into a car?" Kureno asked Yuki, holding a bag full of groceries. " I've already paid for it, so could you just go fill it up?"
" Um… yeah!" Yuki exclaimed, even though he would probably mess it up, because he's terrible at things like making paper doors and filling car engines with gas. Tohru decided to go with him because she didn't want him to be lonely doing it.
" Ritsu, where's your snack?" Kureno asked.
" I'M SO SORRY!!" Ritsu sobbed, and ran out of the store like a fool.
Kureno shrugged to himself, and was JUST about to pay for all the food, when that lady with the buisness suit from earlier stepped in front of him without even asking. Kureno let it slide though, because he's the chicken… and he let's things slide. ( I know, I know, he's a sparrow, but to this story he will always be… a chicken.)
Kureno waited paitently for the lady to get out her credit card to pay for her hot dog and frozen yogurt, and watched as That Buddy Barn Guy slid her card through the scanner. It made a negative beeping sound, and the lady made some mean little facial gesture.
" I'm sorry, I'll have to scan it again." That Buddy Barn Guy apologized.
" Hurry," said the lady, " I'm in a hurry."
Kureno's arms were getting very tired of holding all the food and he really needed to use the restroom, but he kept his mouth shut. He waited and waited as That Buddy Barn Guy inserted the card in at least twenty different ways, and then watched as That Buddy Barn Guy tried to fix the scanning machine. And not once did he complain. NOT ONCE.
Meanwhile, while all this was happening, Kyo was knocking on the door. " Momiji!" He yelled, since it was one of those one person bathrooms, " What are you doing in there?!"
" I'm brushing my teeth!" Momiji called back cheerfully.
" WHAT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!" Kyo yelled.
" Because I have to!"
" But I need to use the restroom!"
" I'M using it!"
" But you're using it to brush your teeth!"
" And floss!"
" ARGH!" Kyo screamed, kicked the door, then stalked outside just in time to save Yuki, Tohru, and Ritsu from an untimely death. I won't tell you just HOW Yuki messed up, but let's just say if our red haired friend hadn't been there, that Van would have… EXPLODED! And as there were no other cars there, they would have been stranded forever and ever. Where is that buisness lady's car, you ask? Well, she doesn't have one. And this is because as soon as she steps out of the store, she will explode.
I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.
In fact, there is a prime example of this actually IN Fruits Basket. In the episode where they go to the Hot Springs, they ride there on a bus. That stupid, random bus driver just drives off, and explodes. Which is why, at the end of the episode, Kyo remarks the bus is late. You know why? BECAUSE THE BUS DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE!!
So after that lady had FINALLY gotten done paying for her crazy hot dog and frozen yogurt, Kureno got to pay for the snacks, with CASH, because everyone knows cash is better than credit cards. By now, he had given up on the bathroom. As the buisness lady stepped outside to explode, he carried the bag of snacks out.
" Alright," said Kureno, " Now let me get these snacks out. Fanta?"
" Me!" Said Tohru and took her Fanta.
" Everlasting Gobstoppers?"
" ME!" Screamed Kyo, " MINE IS THE BIGGER ONE!"
" They're both the same!" Said Kureno, holding up a box in each hand.
" Well, this one is MINE, because mine is better than YUKI'S!" Kyo protested, grabbing a random box of Gobstoppers. Yuki really didn't care about Gobstoppers, he cared about his CHEESE.
" Ch-" Kureno started to say, but then Momiji skipped out, with shiny and flossed teeth.
" Hey!" Said Momiji. " I didn't get to buy a snack!"
" Well, I'm not going back in there now that we're all ready to go," Said Kureno. " Can't you just have this cheese?"
" YAY! I like cheese!" Momiji said, taking Yuki's cheese.
" Alright, well, let's go!" Said Kureno as everyone piled into the car. Yuki sobbed for a few seconds into his Everlasting Gobstoppers before following.
" I'm going to suck on this Everlasting Gobstopper longer than YOU, Yuki!" Kyo yelled at Yuki as soon as Yuki got into the car.
Yuki shrugged.
" I'M GOING TO SUCK ON IT FOREVER!" Kyo declared, and did so. He also mentally pledged not to open his mouth until he had beaten Yuki, as not to accidently disturb the Gobstopping. Too bad, because if he had, he would have noticed that they change DIFFERENT COLORS! But at least now he'll SHUT UP for once!
" Rin-san, what are you going to use the batteries for?" Tohru asked Rin curiously, because she wanted to become better friends with Rin.
" My palm pilot." Said Rin.
" Ohh…" Said everyone but Kyo, but really… they didn't know what a palm pilot was! Even I, HAYLEY, don't know what a palm pilot is! Does it even NEED batteries?
Now I'll show that Mabudachi Trio once and for all that you DON'T CROSS THE LONE CHICKEN! Kureno thought to himself, and switched the car into HIGH GEAR!
Radio Disney was playing, ' Hit the Road Jack.'
Momiji was singing along.
Kyo was sucking obsessively on that Gobstopper.
Ritsu was crying because that's what he does best.
Yuki was crying on the inside.
Tohru was beaming randomly.
Rin was doing whatever the hell you do with a palm pilot.
And Kureno was driving faster and faster, and didn't notice when he passed the stranded Mabudachi Trio, Haru, and Kagura.
HOOONK!
" NOW what?" Said Shigure. " We're stranded in the middle of NOWHERE, with NO gas, and NO solar-powered car."
" I don't know." Said Hatori. " Maybe we can push the car all the way back to that gas station and then fill it up."
" That's a GREAT idea!" Said Kagura, Shigure, and Ayame. Hatori, who had secretly thought that it WAS a pretty spiffy idea, set out to push that car. He spent a few stressful minutes sweating and grunting to push the car, when he noticed everyone else was just watching him.
" Um… why aren't you guys helping?" Hatori asked.
" I was GOING to, but then I realized I'd look as stupid as you do right now." Ayame observed. Shigure nodded.
" Maybe someone should walk back for help." Said Kagura.
Nobody really wanted to do that, because they were in the middle of the desert, and buzzards were circling them. However, it was a practical idea… but they needed a non-practical person who wouldn't be that much of a loss if they were eaten by buzzards to do it.
" Hey, Haru?" Hatori called.
" Yeah?" Said Haru.
" We have a mission for you, Haru." Hatori said. " It is a very important mission that no one else can undertake. It is a mission that takes courage, brains, and a sense of direction." Meaning, respectively, naïvete, idiocy, and someone who will walk around forever until they eventually out of random luck find the right place.
" Oh. I know who can do that." Said Haru excitedly, or as excitedly as our friend Haru can.
" I just said that YOU can do that." Hatori pointed out.
" Yeah, yeah." Haru nodded enthusiastically. " What do you want me to do?"
" We want you to walk back to that Buddy Barn Gas Station we saw earlier for help." Said Hatori.
" Only you can do it." Shigure added emphatically.
" YES! ONLY YOU!" Ayame and Kagura echoed, waving little flags with Haru faces on them.
Haru, who NEVER gets praise or chosen out specially for tasks, felt so wonderful. There was no one telling him that he was too slow to go looking in the desert for the gas station, or that someone else ought to go looking in the desert for the gas station, or even that there was a rat riding on him who would find the gas station before he did.
" Leave it to me." Haru said, with his hand raised in a salute, and began bravely marching slowly… slowly… ever so painfully slowly over a random sand dune. Kagura, Shigure, Ayame, and Hatori continued to wave him off for a full twenty minutes before he was finally gone.
" It was nice knowing him." Shigure sighed, raising his hand down in a salute, as those horns began to play when they're honoring soldiers that have died in battle.
" He died an honorable death." Ayame added. " Needless, yes, but honorable."
" He's not going to die." Hatori protested. He was about to explain to them exactly WHY Haru wasn't, but then he noticed something TERRIBLE! He had sand all over his legs! Oh, Hatori, why did you have to be wearing shorts when you were stranded in the Sahara Desert of Japan of all places! If only you had been wearing PANTS, this could have been avoided!
Hatori slunk silently back behind the car to brush the sand off his legs without anyone noticing. Shigure and Ayame were too busy discussing the details of Haru's future death to notice, and Kagura was too busy thinking about Kyo.
" He was such a nice cow… I mean, boy." Ayame sniffed, pulling a hankerchief out of nowhere.
" Yeah… good thing his life wouldn't have amounted to anything that great." Shigure agreed.
" Think of all the songs he'll never sing… outfits he'll never wear… words he'll never say…" Ayame said dramatically. He really didn't care that much about Haru, he just liked pretending to be part of a tragedy.
Suddenly, there was a close up on Shigure's face and Ayame's words began to echo loudly. words he'll never say… Word's he'll never say… WORDS HE'LL NEVER SAY…
" I MUST KNOW HARU'S SECRET!" Shigure screamed, and went scrambling wildly off after Haru over that random sand dune. Ayame watched him go with a bemused expression.
" Hey," Said Hatori when he had finally gotten all the sand off his legs and come out from behind the car. " Where did Shigure go?"
" You have sand on your ass." Ayame observed.
Hatori grimaced, and humbly walked back behind the car.
BEEEP!
" Kyo-kun, you sure have been sucking on that Everlasting Gobstopper for a long time now!" Tohru observed, since she hadn't spoken to Kyo for awhile and she didn't want him to feel left out.
Kyo just nodded, with a slightly distracted look on his face.
" It must be fun." Said Tohru.
Kyo nodded, with a little anger mark on his forehead.
" It must taste good!" Tohru added.
Kyo nodded with a little anger mark and frog-eyes.
" What flavor is it?" Tohru asked stupidly.
Kyo began thrashing around in his seat, making angry grunting sounds, and generally telling her to shut up without actually doing so. Tohru smiled obliviously at him.
Kyo-kun has such a hard time expressing his feelings. Sometimes he can't even say how he feels. I hope it's strawberry-flavored. I LOVE strawberries!
" Back to the BE-GIIIIINING…" Momiji sang off-key outloud to the horrible, shameless Hilary Duff song playing on Radio Disney.
" Can I see your palm pilot, Rin-san?" Tohru asked Rin.
" NO! YOU'RE TOO PURE TO TOUCH MY HORRIBLE, TAINTED PALM PILOT!" Rin screamed, caressing her palm pilot. She startled Yuki, who hit his head against the window like an idiot. " OW…" said Yuki, but no one was paying attention, so he just considered himself lucky. He didn't want to ruin his image. Then again, he didn't want to HAVE an image. And if he HAD to have an image, he didn't want to seem like some guy that just likes cheese and never hits his head against the window. So this time, ON PURPOSE, Yuki 'accidently' hit his head against the window. " Ow…" said Yuki.
Everyone gave him an odd look. Yuki wondered now why he had done something so stupid, so he just went back to thinking about his dream life. You know what that is, don't you? You don't? Well, it's not being able to communicate with people without looking like an awkward, shy little girl. It's living in a house made out of cheese. All sorts of cheeses. All the cheese you can eat, smell, or lick…
Uh…
Okay, I think I've taken this cheese thing a little far. Let's just say Yuki's dream life IS being able to communicate with people without looking like an awkward, shy little girl.
HOOONK!
Luckily, Shigure eventually found Haru buried under some sand. He dug him out and asked Haru what his secret was.
" I'm not telling you." Haru said, spitting sand out of his mouth. Shigure decided he couldn't risk not knowing the secret, so he coaxed Haru back. They met Hatori, who had finally removed all sand from every part of his body.
" Could you not find the gas station?" Hatori asked.
" He fell into the sand and let himself get buried just a few feet away from the dune." Said Shigure.
" I was GETTING up!" Haru said in an annoyed voice.
" Well, since Haru couldn't take on that simple task, NOW what will we do?" Ayame complained.
At that very moment, That Buddy Barn Guy came riding up on his Buddy Barn Breeded Camel. He had a very big grin on his face. " Does anyone need a Buddy Barn Gas Refreshment?" He asked, while holding out a big tank of gas. His Camel yodled randomly.
" NO!" Screamed everyone. Just kidding. They all said " HUZZAH!" Because anyone who knows anything knows that That Buddy Barn Guy is just there to fix any plotholes whatsoever. So, That Buddy Barn Guy filled up the car with gas, then whipped out his magical ocarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.
Unforunately, the camel was still there, and it was standing right in front of the road, blocking the way. WHAT WILL THEY DO?! Well, you'll find out…
Next time.
A CLIFFHANGER! MWHAHAHAHAHA! (Actually, I just wanted to divide the chapter in two. I already have the second half written. SUCKS FOR YOU! Carl's Corner will come back next time too! LIKE YOU CARE! SUCKS FOR ME!)
PS: Thank you so much for the reviews! I LOVE YOU! But not in a lesbian way.