Chapter 5
Akito's Hitchiking Adventure!
Hey! Hey! REMEMBER AKITO? That's right, he was in the first chapter if you read the first chapter. If you didn't read the first chapter, you're one of those lazy people that just reads the updated chapter before deciding you like the story or not, THEN you read the whole thing. Well, if you DID read the first chapter, you'll remember Akito was in it. And you'll remember he was on his way to RUIN the Sohma Family Vacation!
But this chapter is about Motoko.
…just kidding! Who cares about Motoko? Let's get on with the Akito chapter.
" But how am I supposed to FIND them?" Akito whined at the little white bird who was sitting on his head. " They could be ANYWHERE."
" Things are easy when you have a bird's eye view of the world!" The bird laughed foolishly, and flew around in circles.
" But I can't fly." Akito pointed out.
" Oh yeah. Well, sucks for you." Said the bird. " We'll rendezvous at North Dakota." And with that, he flapped off to North Dakota.
" HEY! HEY! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!" Akito protested, but DA-HUCK! The bird just had. Akito yelled and threw vases around his room for a little while, before fainting because of high blood pressure. Then he spasmed for a little while. Then he managed to stand up and crawl out of the door.
" Where are you going, Akito-sama?" Asked one of those old ladies that come to take people away when Akito bashes them and breaks their bones.
" Out for a walk." Akito replied as he inched past them like a human worm.
After about three hours, Akito managed to get out of the Main House and halfway to the Main Gate, but then he couldn't crawl anymore. He lay down, shivering in the cold, cold winter snow and dehydrated from the hot, hot summer sky, and wet from the harsh, harsh spring rain and buried in the colorful, colorful fall leaves.
" I can't go on anymore! I can't!" Akito whispered weakly, and cried big crocodile tears.
" Akito…" Said a mysterious woman's voice. " Akito…"
" Momma? MOMMA?!" Akito yelled like a hick.
" Akito… you can do it. Remember, your invincible spell…" Said the woman's voice.
" I think I can! I think I can! I think I can! CHOO-CHOO!" Akito cried victoriously and continued to scoot through the rain and the snow and the heat and the leaves. And soon, he wasn't just crawling… he was hopping! And then he wasn't hopping… he was walking! And then he wasn't walking… he was running! Then he fell down. But then he got back up… and he was walking again!
" I'M FREE!" Akito cheered, bursting out of the Main Gate. He did a little victory dance until he started coughing really hard. Then he continued to hobble down the sidewalk.
" Here I come, you miserable excuse for a box of animal crackers. You'll rue the day you crossed the head of the Sohma household. And this time, I won't just injure the women and fondle the men. I'll KILL the women and fondle the men!" Akito promised to himself.
But for now, Akito didn't know what he was doing. After all, Akito almost NEVER leaves the main house, and when he does, he has an adult driving him around. Like when he went to the school and had all the leaves flying past him. Not when Yuki had all the leaves flying around him. See, in the beginning, Yuki was also kind of evil and had leaves flying around him. But then Tohru made him GOOD, so I guess the leaves just didn't feel welcome anymore.
Uh… yeah.
But Akito usually had a chauffeur that drove him anywhere. Like, one day, when it was raining and Kyo went into his true form, Akito said to his chauffeur, " Hey, Rick. Take me out into the forest so I can be bitchy to Honda Tohru." So he DID!
But unfortunately, this was Rick's day off, so Akito was forced to fend for himself. He continued along until he came across a large metal vehicle with many people riding on it. Akito walked out in front of the street to stand in it's way, and waited until somebody paid attention to him.
" Hey, YOU! You, the one in the dress! Outta the way!" Yelled the bus driver who was ready to drive away his exploding bus and explode, but AKITO was in the way! The NERVE!
" I demand passage aboard your vehicle-thing." Akito said.
" Do you have any money?" The bus driver asked.
" NO." Said Akito like it was a stupid question.
" Then no. Now get out of the way." The bus driver sighed.
" OMAE… NO… SEA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Akito shrieked suddenly, and threw one of his spare vases at the bus's windows. The bus driver watched the vase fall pitifully short of the window and motioned for Akito to move.
" Oh… oh YEAH! WELL, WHO CARES?! I DON'T NEED YOU! I DON'T NEED ANYBODY!" Akito yelled rebelliously, and stomped out of the way.
" Sheesh. PEOPLE." Said the bus driver, and then exploded.
With buses and taxis out of the question, Akito decided to take up something he had no experience in; HITCHIKING! Of course, first he needs to learn how to hitchhike. But that's okay, because Akito has his own unique way of hitchhiking. He began pitching vases into traffic at incoming vehicles until one of them actually stopped to see what he wanted.
" Hey buckaroo!" Said a stupid father wearing glasses with a tacky accent from some country I don't care about, " Why so blue?" He was driving a van with some stupid little kid in the back wearing a baseball cap and playing game boy.
" I need you to drive me to North Dakota." Akito commanded, as if everyone knew who he was. " I am the great Akito Sohma."
" Well, shucks howdy! I'm Dave Sohma. And back there is Bubba Sohma! Say hello to our relative Akito here, Bubba." Dave Sohma chuckled foolishly, a lot like Kureno. Maybe their cousins or something.
" DAD! I'M PLAYING THE GAAAAME!" Bubba Sohma yelled in an aggravated little voice, not even looking up from his game boy.
" Well… as Sohma, you must drive ME, your LEADER, to North Dakota." Akito decided.
" Well, I don't know about North Dakota… how about Ben and Jerry's?" Dave Sohma asked with a big smile.
Akito thought about this for awhile. " Okay." He said. He crawled into the backseat of the car to sit next to Bubba Sohma, while Dave Sohma said something corny. " Right, Bubba?" Dave Sohma chuckled.
" Shut up DAAAAD!" Bubba Sohma screamed.
" Quit screaming like that, you little brat! It hurts my ears!" Akito hissed at Bubba Sohma.
" SHUT UP! I have Level FIFTY-FOUR and they can KILL you!" Bubba Sohma argued, still not looking up from whatever game he was playing. " And I have level SEVENTY and he can KILL you!"
" No he can't." Akito argued.
" Yes, he can." Bubba Sohma said in a calm, slow voice, as if he were going too fast for Akito, and pressed a few buttons and stared down at the screen intently.
" NO HE CAN'T!" Akito raged, about ready to pull out another vase.
Bubba Sohma actually LOOKED up from his game boy, and scoffed in Akito's general direction. " Loser." Said Bubba Sohma.
Akito, who had never been called a loser or scoffed at before, didn't know what to do. He just sort of froze with his eyes dilated and shaking like in the last episode and fumed. But obviously, Bubba Sohma had won the feud, and there was nothing he could do about it now.
" We're at Ben And Jerry's! Want a sundae, Bubba?" Dave Sohma said, pulling into Ben And Jerry's.
" NO! I WANTED BRAUMS!" Bubba Sohma shrieked.
" Oh, well, okay, we'll go as soon as Akito leaves. Do you need any money?" Dave Sohma asked Akito, who dearly wanted to get out of that car.
" NO." Said Akito, who didn't even understand the concept of money.
" Okay, well, shucks howdy!" Dave Sohma chuckled, and they booted Akito out of the car and drove off into the sunset and then exploded.
Akito knew that the bird had told him to go to North Dakota and not Ben and Jerry's, but for all he knew Ben and Jerry's lead to North Dakota! He stared at the door for awhile until he remembered how to open them, and walked in.
" Hey, you! You can't come in here." Some random guy said after Akito began to wander around the Ben and Jerry's in a seemingly aimless manner.
" Who says?" Akito argued, entranced by all the ice cream.
" This isn't a place for homeless people to sleep. If it was, the sign would say so." The random security guard guy said. I've decided his name will be Security Fred. Security Fred shook his head and made a clucking sound at Akito. " Look at you! You don't even have any shoes!"
" I'm dressed in the formal attire of the Sohma Household." Akito said proudly.
" Well, to me it looks like you've cut up some window drapes and decided to wear them. Now get out before I MAKE you get out." Security Fred said in a no nonsense voice.
" You'll regret this." Akito grumbled and marched out of the Ben and Jerry's. And I'm sure he will, Akito, I'm sure he will. Akito walked for a little while longer, but he really didn't know where he was going, so in the end he just sat down on a bench and sighed.
" How am I supposed to get to North Dakota if I don't even know where it is?" Akito whined in his nasal Justin Timberlake dub voice. Or his creepy, lispy japanese voice. Your choice! DA-HUCK! I rhymed.
" Zip ah dee doo dah, zip ah de day! My, oh my what a wonderful day!" Sang That Buddy Barn Guy gaily as he marched down the street with his hands on his waist and a giant smile on his face.
" AH! NO! IT BURNS!" Akito yelled in agony since that song was just too JOYOUS for his ears. That Buddy Barn Guy stopped in front of Akito and gave him an oblivious smile, unaware as to why Akito was writhing.
" What's the matter? Are you in need of anything?" He asked.
" I don't know where North Dakota is." Akito complained.
" Well, this is your lucky day because I've got Buddy Barn Maps for sale right here!" That Buddy Barn Guy chuckled like Kureno, and whipped one out from nowhere. " From Japan to North Dakota, right? That'll be five dollars."
Akito took out a vase and gave That Buddy Barn Guy a meaningful look.
" But for you, it's FREE!" That Buddy Barn Guy enthused, and handed over the map. Then he whipped out his magical ocarina and transported off to wherever Buddy Barn Guy's go.
" Alright!" Akito cheered, and did his little victory dance, and then went through ANOTHER coughing fit. Then he sat down to figure out that map!
" Okay." Said Akito. " So if Japan is here… and North America is THERE… then I need to be walking WEST!" Akito didn't stop to think that walking west would eventually just lead him to the Atlantic Ocean, and began plodding bravely west. Except it was north, since Akito's sense of direction was so screwed up.
After awhile, Akito became discouraged again. He didn't WANT to walk on foot from Japan to North Dakota. All he REALLY wanted was to go home and sleep, and wake up in the morning to the sound of ANGST. He was just about to give up, go home, and do just that, when who should drive up, but… KAZUMA!
WOO-HOO! IT'S KAZUMA! OI, OI, OI, YEAH, YEAH, LET'S SING ABOUT KAZUMA!
Kazuma is a sensei,
The Sohma is who he TRAINS!
He trains them very nicely,
He trains them in the PLAINS!
He's the only one who knows,
What it's like to be Kyo,
And why is that? (Why is that?)
Because his grandfather was the cat!
Because… his grandfather was… the CAAAAAAAT!
…
" Kazuma! Stop!" Akito commanded as Kazuma started to stealthily drive past him.
" Oh, hey Akito. Didn't, uh, notice you there." Kazuma lied, looking ahead longingly. " What are you doing so far away from the Main House?"
" I need to go to North Dakota." Akito said, pushing down on the car door handle, only to discover it was locked. He jiggled it for awhile, but it wouldn't open. He glared at Kazuma who was whistling innocently.
" So, why are you driving around?" Akito asked. He couldn't be all mean to Kazuma because… uh… Kazuma is SHISHOU! And he's the MAN!
" I was looking for……………………………………….KYO." Kazuma ended after a giant dramatic pause. " I can't find him."
" He's in North Dakota. They're ALL in North Dakota, the idiots." Akito said angrily, rubbing his hands together in an evil little way. " But we can catch up to them, you and I."
" HEY! Why didn't they invite me? I taught half of them the martial arts. And I'm more important than RITSU!" Kazuma said, offended. " Why didn't…………………KYO tell me he was going?"
" Because he hates you! EVERYONE HATES YOU! YOU'RE A MISERABLE WORM!" Akito yelled. " OMAE…NO…SAE DAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
" This isn't making me want to help you, by the way." Kazuma pointed out.
" Sorry." Akito said uneasily. " Now let me in so we can go find them together! And extract our revenge!"
" I would NEVER extract anything from……………..KYO except for love and care and fatherly affection!" Kazuma said with a kind look, and shook his head with a sad smile, but let Akito into the car in anyway.
" I'm on my way, strange little birdie!" Akito said out loud.
" WHAT?" Kazuma asked, turning around to give Akito a weird look.
" Um… nothing. Now drive forth, minion!" Akito commanded.
" Whatever." Said Kazuma, and he turned up the radio. I don't know what kind of music Kazuma likes, but I assume it's mildly laughable, so it'll just be that Rockabye song. Kazuma hummed along absentmindedly, and began to think obsessively of the color orange.
For a split second, Akito thought it might be nice if he and Kazuma were just going to be a PART of the vacation and not ruin it, but his heart was three sizes smaller than a normal one, and the idea quickly faded.
" Help! I've turned into a fruit bat! Won't you guys find a way to break my wife's spell?" Cid Fabool, formerly known as Oglop Cid squeaked, flapping after them. He then realized that they couldn't hear him, and he was too late to be a main staple in the plot.
CARL'S CORNER!
I couldn't find Carl today, because he left a note like this; I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS. I'M GOING TO NORWAY. So I guess I'll just give you nice normal answers.
I got a lot of questions this time! (heart, heart) Lesse…
Metal Chocobo: Do you know anyone that lives under a bridge? Do they talk to you? Is it creepy?
Me: The troll from the Three Billy Goat's Gruff! He doesn't talk to me but he's REALLY creepy! HORRIBLY CREEPY!
Person: Why did you make Haru so dumb?
Me: Haru's not DUMB, he's just… SPECIAL. I dunno. Haru's just kinda slooow. REALLY slow. I mean, you really can't get slower than that. Unless there was a slug in the Jyuunishi. Wouldn't that be WONDERFUL?!
Person: Will you ever have Black Haru?
Me: Yes, yes I will. Because if you read the FF7 one, Black Haru is very fun. And who knows? Maybe Haru has OTHER personalities?! Hey, it could happen…
Well… that was more questions! YAY! So send MORE! MOOOORE! And hopefully Carl will BE here next time!