Chapter 6
The Crazy Gringo Hotel!
Well, all of the Sohma and Tohru had finally pulled into a hotel called The Crazy Gringo Hotel. Now, just so you know, it wasn't a NICE hotel. It was a very EVIL hotel. It even had a evil black cloud and lightning bolts above it. It had a big sign that said ENTER IF YE DARE and skull and crossbones and creepy background music that played as they neared it. But it was the only hotel in North Dakota for miles around, so they all continued on bravely.
They parked in the parking lot, which was empty, but unfortunately all the parking spaces were marked Handicapped. But Kureno had Kyo and Hatori had Haru, and if that didn't work, Kagura could always just break someone's leg.
" I don't want to go to the Crazy Gringo Hotel," said Haru.
" Nobody wants to go to the Crazy Gringo Hotel, Haa-kun, but sometimes you just HAVE to." Shigure said in a sympathetic voice, as they all stopped to step out of the way of a man who was running out the front door of the hotel screaming, " OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!"
" Couldn't we just sleep in the cars?" Yuki pointed out.
" No." Said Shigure, who was secretly enjoying everyone having to go to a Crazy Gringo Hotel.
" WHY NOT?!" Screamed everyone but Tohru, Kureno, Rin, Ayame and Hatori. And Shigure.
" AYA!" Shigure screamed.
" GURE-SAN!" Ayame screamed, and a giant pink heart came from nowhere in the background. Everyone decided they could deal with the Crazy Gringo Hotel for awhile.
" Welcome to the Crazy Gringo Hotel!" Said some random exploding doorman. He opened the door for them, and let them through, then exploded.
" I get the bed!" Momiji yelled foolishly.
" Momiji, it's not like we're all going to be staying in the same room together. There's twelve people here." Hatori told Momiji. INDEED! They were all going to have pair up in groups for the night!
They walked up to the front desk, and everyone shouted, " HEY YOU! CRAZY GRINGO!"
" Yeah, I'm comin', I'm comin'." Said that Crazy Gringo grumpily, stomping up to the front desk. He then looked suspicously at the assorted Sohma Family, and counted them slowly. As he did, the Sohmas all looked around the inside of the hotel and at how… GRINGOISH it was. No one felt very good about staying there.
" Hey, you guys! How would you like to stay in the BUDDY BARN Fantasy Hotel INSTEAD?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, appearing out of nowhere.
" I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME ROUND HERE!" That Crazy Gringo screamed, since That Buddy Barn Guy is his archenemy, and took out a shotgun and fired a few rounds at That Buddy Barn Guy.
" TOODLES!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled, and dived out of the door, barely missing the bullets.
" Alright, thanks to the magic of technology, your rooms are ready. You just have to decide who's with who. And pay me." That Crazy Gringo said.
" OH YOU CRAZY GRINGO!" Everyone said, and Ayame took out a huge wad of money that was probably more than enough to pay him with. That Crazy Gringo shuffled away and began counting his money and laughing like Mr. Potter.
Okay… so now the rooms…
Well, the Mabudachi Trio were DESTINED to be together, so they were all in the same room. And Hatori was the only one that was immune to Ayame and Shigure's antics. Hatori would have LIKED to be alone without anyone to bother him so he could finish doing whatever it is he's never finishing, but OH WELL.
All the girls were sharing a room, because they're girls.
Yuki was sharing a room with Haru and Momiji. UH-OH. Just kidding. Or… maybe not.
" WHAT? THE LONE CHICKEN SHARES A ROOM WITH NO ONE!" Kureno yelled as soon as he found out that he was sharing a room with Kyo. Who was still naked and unconcious by the way.
" But Kyo's the CAT! He's a loner too. It's like you're both alone." Said Shigure.
" Only NOT!" Kureno retorted.
" You said you had clothes for him anyway." Hatori pointed out.
" I KNOW what I said, Hatori." Kureno snapped angrily, but didn't argue anymore after that. After all… he meant what he said and he said what he meant, and a Kureno's word is a hundred percent!
Ritsu was sharing a room with Shoopuf Dude.
GOT IT? Well, not that they're not in cars anymore, I have no way to creatively switch between scenes. So in the end, I'm just going to say HOOONK! When I want to switch between scenes. ARGH! It pains me to be so cheap! ARGH!
HOOONK!
" Where's our bed?" Hatori asked as the Mabudachi Trio stepped into their room to see a normal hotel room with ugly wallpaper and a carpet that didn't match and a television with only nine channels and all those other stupid cheap hotel things. But it didn't have a bed. Just lots of carpet.
" What kind of hotel doesn't have a BED?" Ayame demanded with his hands on his hips at the doorway.
Well, you guys ARE at The Crazy Gringo Hotel.
" I guess we'll just have to sleep on the floor." Hatori sighed, setting down all the luggage because Shigure and Ayame had made him carry it.
" But it's HARD. And COLD." Ayame complained, looking like he'd rather walk over broken glass than step on that carpet.
" It's okay, Aya. We'll warm each other with… BODY HEAT!" Shigure cheered, and frolicked into the room to find the remote.
" Um… no." said Hatori, but he was ignored. He decided to go put all the luggage up and then spread out the sleeping mats, and then take out all the toothbrushes and toothpaste. Ayame and Shigure would have helped him but… they didn't.
" I can't find the remote!" Shigure whined. " Where is it, Haa-san?"
" I don't know." Hatori replied. " It's not like I live here."
" But now we have no way of entertaining ourselves." Ayame and Shigure whined, both laying on their backs and staring up at the wall like the most pathetic beings in the universe.
" Read a book." Hatori replied automatically, seeing as he lived with Momiji, he heard this complaint a lot.
" We don't HAVE any books. Duh." Ayame replied irritably.
" Read this." Hatori said, throwing some random best selling novel about Doctors he was reading at them. Shigure caught it, and they both started to read it intently. Hatori sighed, and finished setting up all the sleeping mats while they were busy.
" This book is STUPID." Ayame said after about half a page. " Don't you have a better book than this?"
" That's a best selling novel." Hatori replied. HE thought it was a great book, but then again, who cared what Ayame and Shigure thought?
" I could write a better book than this while I was asleep." Shigure agreed. " In fact, I DID."
" Shigure, you didn't write a book in your sleep. And I know you could certainly not write a best-selling one." Hatori aruged, throwing Ayame and Shigure's pajamas at them.
" Oh, SURE, just because you can erase people's memories you think you're better than them. And it's just like you to have me read a DOCTOR book. ' Look at me, I'm Hatori! I'm a doctor!'" Shigure said in a high-pitched voice that didn't sound like Hatori at all, and began to dance around. " ' I wear shorts!'"
Poor Hatori still didn't understand why everyone found his shorts so funny and scary, but he didn't say anything. He simply walked over and took his book back, and ignored Shigure. But this reminded him that he needed to change out of those shorts for good. He found his suitcase full of clothes and looked through it.
But there was nothing but shirts and boxers and ties and other stuff that aren't pants in it. There was some extra pairs of shorts that he had bought, but he couldn't find any pants. And he KNEW he had packed some… but where were they?
" Have you guys seen my pants?" Hatori asked them.
Shigure and Ayame looked up from laughing and shook their heads innocently.
" Did you guys STEAL my pants?" Hatori asked.
" GEEZ, Hatori, we're not in high school anymore." Shigure said, rolling his eyes.
" Can you not find your pants?" Ayame asked, trying to be helpful, but then he and Shigure started laughing hysterically.
Hatori just gave up then and there and went into the bathroom to put the toothbrushes up. Now he was stuck in the shorts ALL VACATION! ARGH! Hatori almost bashed his head against the medicine cabinet, but made himself stop.
As he was puttng away the toothbrushes and toothpaste and stuff like that, he noticed that the remote was inside the bathtub. WHY or HOW it had gotten there, he couldn't understand, but he picked it up and didn't ask any questions. He changed into his pajamas and then stepped back out.
" I'm ready to help now, Tori-san!" Ayame said enthusiastically, having grown bored of making fun of the book with Shigure. Shigure was reading lines from the novel outloud mockingly.
" What do you mean? I've already done everything." Hatori said in a miffed voice.
" ' He took his coat and walked away from the GAZEBO!' Oooooh, GAZEBO! Maybe if I put that word in MY book, it would become a best seller!"
" Oh. Are you sure?" Ayame said. " Because I'd be happy to help."
" Oh, look, here's an important part. Hey, Haa-san, did you know Doctor Wright DIES?"
" Quit that." Hatori snapped, because he had NOT known that Doctor Wright died.
" Hey, is that the remote?" Ayame asked, looking down at Hatori's hand.
" And did you know that ASHLEY'S HUSBAND KILLED HIM FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER?!" Shigure gasped dramatically, waving the book around.
Hatori yelled out in shock and alarm and dissapointment because he had just KNOWN that Ashley girl was up to no good, but it was mentally, so all he really did was march across to Shigure and snatched the book away before he could ruin Hatori's magical reading experience furtherly.
" I'll take that." Said Hatori, even though he had OBVIOUSLY taken it, so it just made him look sort of dumb. He then looked at the book at a loss for purpose, and flung it aimlessly at some corner. " Here," He said to Shigure, " It's the remote."
" YAAAAY!" Shigure said, and took it, and turned it to Channel NINE! And it was MASH!
" NOOOOOOO!" Screamed everyone but Hatori, who liked it, because it had doctors in it.
So then, Shigure turned it to channel FIVE! It was Must See TV!
" Oh, look Hatori. Your FAVORITE shows. Scrubs and ER!" Shigure jeered, turning the TV up to max volume just as it went to a Chevy, Driving Texas commercial. And since I live in Texas and only know the TEXAS jingle for Chevy, I assume in North Dakota it's just… Chevy, Driving North Dakota.
Actually, ER WAS one of Hatori's favorite shows, so he sat down and got ready to watch it contently. Shigure decided to quit teasing Hatori, and Ayame had gone into another bout of Hero-Worshipping Hatori, so they were all peaceful and Mabudachish for awhile.
" That's GROSS!" Ayame exclaimed as some stupid random lady blew herself up in the car on ER. (NOT because she was an unimportant one-time character, mind you. Because she was stupid and depressed.) " Why would you do that?"
" Wouldn't it be funny if Akito did that?" Shigure asked.
Ayame and Shigure laughed foolishly, but Hatori didn't think it would be that funny.
" AHHH! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Ayame and Shigure yelled later when there was a scene where Dr. Carter is having to do medical work on the ugly crispy suicidal lady.
" How can you DO that?" Shigure demanded of Dr. Carter.
" Well, sometimes it's just all in a days work for a doctor." Said Hatori, but then he realized how stupid and Herculian it made him sound.
" Have YOU ever had to work on a crispy person, Tori-san?" Ayame asked.
" No." Said Hatori.
" Would you?" Shigure chimed in.
" I don't think I will."
" What if I just so happened to accidently explode myself? Would you work on me?" Shigure wanted to know. " Would you be able to handle it? Would you be able to take the pressure?"
Suddenly, Hatori began to feel very self-concious and wished randomly that he didn't just have shorts to wear. " Quit asking stupid questions and let me finish watching the show." He said, but ER's ending credits were already rolling.
Then they all watched Jay Leno, but only because they were waiting for Conan O Brien. When Conan came on, everyone laughed long and heartily. Then it was over.
" Good night Tori-san!" Said Ayame.
" Good night Ayame." Hatori said unenthusiastically.
" Good night Gure-san!" Said Ayame.
" Good night Aya!" Said Shigure. " Good Night Haa-san!"
" Good night Shigure." Hatori sighed.
" I love you Gure-san!"
" I love you Aya!"
And then a pause…
" WE LOVE YOU HATORI!"
Hatori ignored them as they began to laugh at him and his pantless self again.
Hatori couldn't fall asleep, so for awhile he just watched the late night movie. But everyone in it was wearing pants, and this just made him jealous, so he turned it off and tried to go to sleep.
HOOONK!
" We are girls!" All the girls said.
" Good night, minna-san! Have WONDERFUL dreams!" Tohru exclaimed contently.
" I'll have dreams of KYO-KUN!" Kagura assured her.
" I'll have depressing dreams that are just flashbacks disguised as dreams." Rin said.
" Just hearing that, my heart is full!" Tohru sighed.
And so they all went to sleep because they're girls and don't waste time like the foolish men.
HOOONK!
" SHOTGUN!" Momiji called, frolicking into the room joyously, followed by Yuki and Haru. " Oh look! There's TWO beds. But I thought there was only supposed to be one."
" Why do we have an extra bed?" Yuki asked curiously. Haru was trailing behind, because they had made him carry all their stuff because he's the ox!
" YAY!" Momiji cheered because two beds are better than one, because… you can bounce from one to another. And so Momiji began to capriole wildly from one bed to another.
" Momiji, stop that, or you'll hit your head and hurt yourself." Said Yuki, sounding remarkably like a demure, soft-spoken woman with authority. Oh, wait a minute.
" OKAY!" Said Momiji, not doing so.
" Oh. We don't have a couch." Haru said upon reaching the door.
" Did you really expect there to be a couch?" Momiji asked Haru.
Haru shrugged. " Not really."
" HEY! Let's play truth or dare!" Momiji exclaimed, still jumping from bed to bed.
" Who gets to sleep in the beds? Since there's two." Yuki said.
" Well, if there was a couch, I would have slept on it. But seeing that there are two beds, I will sleep on the sleeping bag we have brought." Haru said in a slow, knightly honorable manner.
" But that's not fair for you, Haru!" Momiji protested.
" It really isn't." Yuki agreed.
" So I can sleep with you, Yuki?" Haru asked hopefully.
"… I guess." Yuki sighed.
" But then I'll be all alone!" Momiji said, bouncing up and down on the one bed.
" And I don't want Momiji to be all alone." Haru added.
" I don't think all three of us can fit on one bed." Yuki said.
" Oh…" Said Haru and Momiji in small, dissapointed voices that made Yuki feel like a heel.
" HEY! I just had a great idea!" Momiji yelled, bouncing off the bed. " We can put both the beds together to make one BIG bed!"
" Wow. That is SO smart." Haru said, looking at Momiji as if he had just solved the hardest algebra equation in the world.
" Okay." Yuki said, who really by now wouldn't have minded sleeping outside in a little hole in the ground.
And so, with the SILVER CRYSTAL POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, they connected both of the beds. Then they changed into their pajamas. For some reason, they didn't have a TV, and none of them were THAT tired, so Momiji asked if they could play Truth or Dare again.
" Okay, fine." Said Yuki.
" YAY!" Said Momiji.
" How do you play?" Yuki asked.
" ARGH!" Haru and Momiji screamed and killed Yuki so that he would never ask them that question again. Just kidding. Haru loves Yuki and Momiji loves everyone so they just explained it paitently to him.
" Ohhh…" Yuki nodded, as if it were really all that complicated. He just hoped he wouldn't embarrass himself in THIS game! Of course, it was Truth or Dare, so it's BOUND to happen! MUWAHAHAHA!
" Me first! Truth or Dare Haru?" Momiji asked Haru excitedly.
Haru thought and he thought and he thought and FINALLY, he said, " Dare."
Momiji laughed evilly, and you could tell he had a REALLY embrassing dare for Haru. Haru was so out of it though that he wasn't scared at all!
" I dare you… to go outside, knock on Hari's door, then RUN AWAY before he catches you!" Momiji exclaimed as if it were the most original dare ever. Which it wasn't.
" Okay." Said Haru bravely, and walked out of the room. He didn't think about how perhaps Hatori would be exhausted and he would be disturbing the poor man's rest and relaxation. This was the DARE! Now he could prove himself once and for all as the ox that did things RIGHT! YEAAAAH!
" Alright Yuki, YOUR turn. Truth or dare?" Momiji asked.
" Uh… truth." Yuki decided, because memories of the DRESS came swimming back to him.
" Who do you LIKE?" Momiji said eagerly, once again the most common QUESTION for truth. But Momiji thought he was a GENIUS for thinking all this up!
Well, Yuki would have said Tohru but Natsuki Takaya pretty much screwed that option, so now, the object of Yuki's affection was… NO ONE! Yuki didn't LIKE-LIKE anyone! Nobody in the whole wild wonderful world of Disney! Yuki was… CRUSH-LESS!
' But because of this, I really am despicable.' Yuki thought for some random reason. ' People will be sickened by me.'
Momiji edged away from the sudden angst aura that surrounded Yuki. " Um… okay. Well, if you'd rather angst, I'll watch TELEVISION!" And he would watch his FAVORITE show! She Spies!
But for some reason, they didn't have a television!
" Why don't we have a television?" Momiji asked no one in particular. " But have an extra bed? Man, this Crazy Gringo Hotel really IS crazy!"
Yes, Momiji… yes it is.
HOOONK!
" We have TWO televisions! One for you, one for me! So you can go ahead and watch your Johnny Quest and whatnot on that one." Kureno said, waving Kyo off in the general direction of the television. Kyo, who had finally regained conciousness, was standing there with the sheets wrapped around him.
" But then we wouldn't be able to hear what the other is watching! And I don't care about television anyway! YOU SAID YOU HAD SOME CLOTHES FOR ME!" Kyo thundered, shamed beyond all shame, standing there naked.
" Well, EXCUUUUSE me, but I do! And if you could just SIT DOWN for a second, I'll go and GET it!" Kureno yelled angrily, put his hands on his hips and marched over to one of his random suitcases.
" And it better not look like anything that damn Yuki wears! OR I WON'T WEAR IT!" Kyo retorted, not sitting down. He then turned on the television just to be rebellious. But it was a Nova special, so it just made him seem like some angry nerd that watches Nova to calm down.
" Here we go!" Kureno said, holding up a shirt that had I SUPPORT THE LONE CHICKEN 'HEART' written on it. He turned it around and it said, DIE MABUDACHI TRIO DIE!
" I can't wear THAT!" Kyo yelled.
" What? Don't you support the Lone Chicken?" Kureno demanded.
" NO!" Kyo screamed.
" Well, I NEVER!" Kureno huffed, and sat down to watch Nova in a satisfied nature.
Kyo pretended that he was ALRIGHT being naked for awhile, but then he wasn't, so he put the shirt on. He tried peeling off the letters on the shirt, but of course THAT didn't work, so he ended up just having to wear it and be ashamed. He then pretended not to watch Nova, which was a very exciting special on manatees! YAY!
HOOONK!
Hatori was having a wonderful dream in which he and Kana were on their honeymoon and were traveling across the Sahara on a camel when a knocking sound jolted him out of it. He woke up, and saw that the door was being beat upon. Hatori sighed and walked over to the door. He opened it.
It was Haru.
" What?" Hatori asked irritably.
Haru didn't say anything.
" Is anything wrong?" Hatori asked.
Haru turned and ran down the hall like a fool.
Hatori cursed the world under his breath and went back to sleep.
HOOONK!
" GOMEN NASAI! I AM SO SORRY THAT I DO NOT EVEN HAVE A ROOMATE BECAUSE SHOOPUF-DUDE-SAN IS NOT HERE! I WILL APOLOGIZE TO SHOOPUF-SAN, I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE READER, I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE WRITER, I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS HORRIBLY DISSAPOINTING SEGMENT AND FOR THIS HORRIBLY LATE UPDATE AND STUPID STORY! I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE WORLD! OH, GOMENASAIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Ritsu screamed, then passed out on the floor.
Carl's Corner!
You know what? I've had it with this, Carl. I'm coming to hunt you down. Mwhahaha… So I'll be answering these questions, and then go on a journey to capture Carl. So, I've asked Tohru-kun to answer your questions next time! Arigatou, Tohru-kun! Please send questions for Honda Tohru-kun!
As for now…
Moonmage: Can you make Tohru smarter?
Hayley: Believe me, I know Tohru-kun is smart! I adore her, she's my role model. However this is a very random story where everyones personality is overdone, so just remember she's a SUPER-FLAKE! A FROSTED FLAKE! SHE'S MORE THAN GOOD, SHE'S GREAT!
Naria Lacour de long name: Why is the rabbit silly and Trix are for kids?
Hayley: The rabbit is silly, because he would get those trix and kill those damn kids! Trix are for kids because then the rabbit can't have any.
Naria: Did Meanie Security Fred explode?
Hayley: OFF COURSE…NOT! He's gotta keep up with security! It's in his blood (and name!) He can't be so unresponsible to EXPLODE!
Naria: Does the Kazuma song to 'Ms. Susie?'
Hayley: Actually… NO! It goes to ' My friend the witch-doctor!' DA-HUCK!
Ja!