Note: Someone apparently thought the last chapter was too long! (in Jar-Jar Binks voice) How WUDE! However, if the chapters are INDEED too long… read faster! Da-HUCK!
Chapter 11
Akito and Kazuma's Excellent Adventure!
Well, when we left Akito and Kazuma (quite a long time ago) they were on their way to ruin the Sohma Family Summer Vacation! The fiends! Of course… it will take them quite awhile, since they're VERY behind. And not only that, but guess what? Kazuma had taken the WRONG mystical bridge! ARGH! He had taken the mystical bridge to NEW MEXICO and NOT North Dakota! Kazuma, you fool!
But fortunately, Akito couldn't tell New Mexico from North Dakota, so he just assumed it was taking them longer than usual to get to North Dakota. So as Kazuma drove dutifully north to NORTH Dakota, Akito looked out the window and obsessively thought of all the different ways he would injure the Jyuunishi AND Honda-Tohru-san!
" Drive faster, my minion!" Akito said suddenly to Kazuma who was driving at the speed limit like a good civilian. They were in the middle of nowhere, but Kazuma ABIDES BY THE LAW! YEAH! RIGHTEOUS!
" Akito, I am not your minion." Kazuma replied respectfully. " And I don't want a ticket."
" Don't give me your 'ticket' nonsense!" Akito spat in disgust, not knowing what a ticket was. " I said faster! So drive faster!"
" Okay." Said Kazuma, and didn't do anything.
Akito stared at him suspicously. " Are we driving faster?" He asked.
" Sure." Kazuma lied.
" EX-cellent…" Akito cackled evilly like Mr. Burns and rubbed his hands together. After that he was quiet for awhile. There was really nothing to do in that crazy car anyway besides listen to Kazuma's current choice of music. And right now it was STEVE CONTE!
" STRAY! STRAY! IN THE COLD BREEZE, THAT I WALK ALONE, THE MEMORIES OF A GENERATION WITHIN ME! THEY'RE FOREVER, SINCE I CRIED THE PAIN OF SORROOOOOW-"
" Quit that!" Akito hissed.
" Okay!" Said Kazuma, and began to hum along to that crazy Steve Conte song.
A little bit of time went by, and suddenly Akito screamed, " STOP THE CAR!"
" Why? What's wrong?" Kazuma exclaimed, stopping the car and looking at Akito with a scared face.
" I'm hungry." Said Akito as if they had really needed to stop the car for him to say that.
" Well… there's some nice grass outside…" Kazuma said slowly, looking out the car window.
" No, you fool! Take me to somewhere where I may consume foodstuff!" Akito hissed.
" Alright. Where do you feel like eating? …………………..KYO always liked to eat at Long John Silvers!" Kazuma said cheerfully, and started to go into a flashback of him and Kyo having a hearty meal at Long John Silvers. A YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM! ARGH, MATEY!
" No! I do not like those pisces styled food stops! I desire BEEF! And fried potatoes!" Akito said suddenly. " Take me to the holy golden arches!"
" Um… you mean Mcdonalds?" Kazuma said slowly.
" Yes. That's the place. Old Mickey…" Akito said with an evil look.
" Okay!" Kazuma said like he always does, and they drove and drove until they found a Mcdonalds! It was the kind people stop at when they're on road trips, so of course, it was filled with a bunch of happy exploding families on trips to Florida and stuff like that.
" Kazuma, carry me into the Mcdonalds. I am too weak to walk." Akito ordered, since he didn't feel like walking the extra five feet from the car to the Mcdonalds.
" Um… no. It's not like I'm in the JYUUNISHI or anything." Kazuma said, stepping out of the car.
" LEAVE MY PRESENCE! NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, YOU BLASPHEMER!" Akito screeched. " I DON'T NEED THE LIKES OF YOU!" And with that, he sat there in the car taking very deep breaths.
It took Akito a few seconds to let his hunger get the best of him, and so then he finally creepily shuffled into the Mcdonalds, where Kazuma was in line in the front. Everyone was giving Akito and Kazuma weird looks because they were both wearing kimonos! And to the Americans, this looked like a dress! CRAZY!
" Oh, hey Akito. So, what do you want?" Kazuma asked Akito, who was standing next to him and giving everyone murder-filled glances.
" I don't know… what should I want?" Akito whispered dangerously in his lispy voice.
" How about a Happy Meal? …………………..KYO loved Happy Meals back in the day." Kazuma said, and he started to go into a flashback of Kyo and him at a Mcdonalds but Akito cut him short.
" I do not care! But I will take this 'Happy Meal.'" Akito said in a disgusted voice. " Because then I shall receive a new Neopets plushie to add to my collection."
" Um… okay…" Kazuma said uneasily. " Well, I'll just wait until I reach the Mcdonalds Employee, and then we'll order."
" Did some-body say MC-DONALDS?" Some random Mcdonalds worker sang suddenly just like in the old commericals and faced Kazuma with a really big, creepy smile.
" I did… actually…" Kazuma said, slightly scared.
" Oh, don't be frightened! We love to see you smile!" The worker dude said with an even creepier smile.
" Um… okay. I'd like to order-" Kazuma started to say.
" You're not smiling." The worker dude pointed out.
" Can't I just order?" Kazuma asked.
" Not until I see some sort of smile." The worker dude said creepily.
" Okay!" Said Kazuma with his really big, fake cheesy smile. " Well, I'll be having a Quarter Pounder and my young companion will be having a Happy Meal."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be 'lovin' it!' And hello young companion!" The Mcdonalds guy said cheerfully to Akito. " Why, you aren't smiling!"
" I refuse to smile unless I feel like it." Akito hissed.
" Listen up, bud, at Mcdonalds, we're paid according to how many people we get to smile. SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME A GODDAMN SMILE OR ELSE!" The worker dude screamed suddenly.
Akito was frightened, so he grimaced painfully, but that was the closest to a smile he could manage. The crazy Mcdonalds guy accepted it anyway, and then finally took their order. Kazuma and Akito went to go sit down at a little table.
" Bring my ensemble of greasy food NOW!" Akito yelled at a random passing janitor who just sort of shrugged. Kazuma smile with a crazy little sweatdrop.
" Akito, we have to wait until they call our number." Kazuma told Akito.
" What? WHY?" Akito cried as if this were some sort of crime.
" Because there are people before us." Kazuma replied like it was obvious. And it WAS.
" What? People are in front of me! What number are we?!" Akito hissed dangerously, raising a salt shaker threateningly over Kazuma's head.
" Uh… thirty-two. And I think they're on number twenty-nine, so we'll probably only have to wait for a few more-"
" How dare I be number thirty-two?! I should be number ONE!" Akito declared, chucking the salt-shaker at a window. " I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A NUMBER! I AM A GOD!"
" Oh-kay…" Kazuma said uneasily as he watched the salt-shaker hit the window and then just sort of thud onto the ground. " Well… I'm gonna go to the restroom now…"
" GO! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Akito screamed.
" Okay!" Said Kazuma like he always does and walked off contently to the men's room.
Akito paused. Now he didn't have anyone to rage at. He waited for awhile, until SUDDENLY, he heard the crazy Mcdonalds guy shout, " THIRTY-TWO! COME AN' GET IT!" Okay, so they probably never say that last part. But YOU don't know!
Akito shuffled mysteriously up to the counter and grabbed the Mcdonalds bag and then shuffled mysteriously back to the little Mcdonalds booth. Kazuma was there when he came back! OH, GEE-GOLLY, WHAT WONDERFUL TIMING! HOORAY! CAN THIS STORY GET ANY LAMER?
Yes. Yes it can.
" I love Big Macs! I wonder why they're not called Big MICK, though!" Kazuma chuckled outloud before he swallowed his Big Mac in one gulp. Ah, Kazuma, that question plagues us all…
" Silence, fool!" Akito snapped as he struggled to open that little plastic wrap that held his Neopet plushie. He struggled and struggled, but he was too weak for it.
" Uh…" Kazuma said, watching Akito snarl in rage as he tore at the bag in vain, " Do you want any help with that?"
" Here! Open this evil contraption, minion!" Akito yelled and flung the bag at Kazuma.
" Okay!" Said Kazuma like he always does and opened the little bag lickety split! Then he handed the plushie to Akito.
" Wha… A JUB-JUB! THEY DARE INSULT ME WITH A JUB-JUB?!!" Akito screeched as he waved a little fuzzball plushie around. " HOW DARE THEY?!"
" I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation!" Said that crazy Mcdonalds guy from earlier. " And I ALSO couldn't help but hear your displeasure with the toy!"
" YOU GAVE ME A JUB-JUB! THE LOWEST OF THE LOW! OMAE… NO… SAE DAAAAAAAAA!" Akito screamed and flung a vase at that crazy Mcdonalds guy. That guy was knocked unconcious! Then Akito threw the Jub-Jub at him. I really don't think it made any difference but OH WELL!
" I'm so sickened by the Jub-Jub that I cannot eat this food. Let us leave this place." Akito muttered, shoving his food off the table for the janitor to clean up.
" Okay!" Said Kazuma because he didn't really want to be there anymore.
" WAIT!" Said a crazy voice from nowhere.
" Who said that?" Kazuma wondered.
" It is I! Do you hear me Akito?" Said the mystery voice.
Akito looked down to see that he had a glowing stone thingy on his neck! AWK! Where had it come from? Why was it there? Well, actually, he's had it on the whole time. I just don't describe the character's enough! Or I just thought of it right now. (shifty look) Yeah…
Anyway, there was a voice talking to Akito just like that crazy stone in the Legend of Zelda Wind Waker game! COOLIO!
" Hey! Whose talking to me?" Akito demanded.
" It is me, the one who sent you on your journey to ruin the vacation." Said the voice.
" BIRD?!" Akito yelled foolishly.
" …yes…" Said the bird. Because really, well… that's the only thing we can call him for sure! Because he IS a bird after all. " Yes, that name will do. You are doing well, Akito. You are on your way to North Dakota where I am waiting and this is good. You have also gained a brainless minion to serve you. This is also good."
" Hey! You can't talk about me like that!" Kazuma protested. And… you CAN'T talk about Kazuma like that, FOO'! CAUSE HE'S THE MAN!
" But you need more help if you want to reach North Dakota, which is why I have sent you more minions to aid you." The bird said, ignoring Kazuma and the narrator. " Use them well to your purpose, and meet me in Saint Louie!"
" I though it was North Dakota." Akito said slowly.
" Well… it is! But that's beside the point!" The bird snapped, and the stone quit glowing.
" Wait, bird! WAIT!" Akito yelled at the stone for no reason, then looked up to see Kazuma givng him a bug-eyed look.
" Very well! Where are my new minions?!" Akito demanded, pointing at him.
" I am NOT your minion." Kazuma said.
" You SO are." Akito argued.
" SURE…" Said Kazuma, in denial. " Whatever you say."
All of a sudden, there was a POOF! as if someone had turned into an animal. OH NO! AKITO'S TURNED INTO HIS JYUUNISHI FORM! THE SLUG!
…just kidding. Akito doesn't have a Jyuunishi form, and even if he did, it would be impossible, since there's only thirteen Jyuunishi. Instead, there was a poof and the minions that the bird had sent arrived! And let's meet them! MAYBE you already know them!
The first new minion was KIBA! From Wolf's Rain. If you don't know what Wolf's Rain is, it's a very pretty show about wolves that can make themselves look like humans using illusions. And Kiba is just ONE of those wolves.
" Where is it? Rakuen!" Kiba exclaimed WAY too obsessively, and began to sniff the air like Wolverine. " The flower maiden's SCENT!"
The other person was Brock! If you don't know who Brock is, I'll slap you. And just so you know, even though EVERYONE else in this story was speaking in their original japanese voices, Brock wasn't. That's right. It's BROCK, not TAKESHI. So get over it. Anyone who has a problem with Brock, answers to BROCK.
" Whoah! This is INCREDIBLE!" Brock said in his WAY too astounded voice. " I just TELEPORTED from nowhere!"
" Yes, minions! And now you will do my bidding!" Akito cackled insanely.
" Hi. I'm Brock." Said Brock, taking this to be a cue for the old introducing line. " And I'm a Pokemon Breeder!"
" NOBODY CARES!" The whole world hooted.
" And you? What is your name, sniffing one?!" Akito demanded.
" I'm… Kiba…" Kiba said slowly as if his name really needed that much time to be said. I mean, come on. It's four letters long. " I've got to find Rakuen. NOW." He then began to wander around the room obsessively muttering, " Cheza. Cheza. Cheza."
" No! We are not going to Rakuen, my new bishounen toy… We are going to North Dakota." Akito told Kiba dangerously, grabbing Kiba all creepy and fondle-like.
" But I ALWAYS look for Rakuen." Kiba said reluctantly.
" Well, THIS TIME LOOK FOR NORTH DAKOTA!" Akito screamed.
" Okay." Said Kiba because he's not too bright. Then he gave the whole Mcdonalds a really stupid, all-knowing look and said, " We're going to find it. North Dakota." Then he went back to muttering, " Cheza… Cheza…Cheza."
" Um… can you see?" Kazuma asked Brock.
" Yes! I see quite well!" Brock reassured him.
" Well, THAT'S good." Kazuma chuckled like Kureno.
" Are you ALSO a minion?" Brock said in that special Eric Stuart way.
" I am not a minion." Kazuma said for the umpteenth time.
" Fine! I don't need you anymore, Kazuma, now that I have these LOYAL minions! You're fired." Akito said JUST like Donald Trump. In his voice and everything. Then he began to march out the door. " Come, young-tanned man with pineapple hair and bishounen puppet."
" OKAY!" Said Brock and Kiba because their only purpose in this story was to help Akito.
" OH WELL!" Said Kazuma like the easygoing guy he was and sat down. He ordered a Mcflurry. He drank the Mcflurry. It was good. By the time he was done, Akito came back.
" Kazuma… come back to serve me. I need you." Akito said regretfully. " Those fools cannot drive."
Kazuma followed Akito outside. The Mcdonalds exploded. But don't worry. I'm sure there's a lot more in North Dakota. If not, who cares? Unless you live in North Dakota. If you do, I am sorry for blowing up your Mcdonalds! OH, GOMEN NASAI!
" Wolves don't drive. They run." Said Kiba. But really, of COURSE he couldn't drive! He's a WOLF! They can't drive.
" I've never SEEN something like this before!" Brock said in an astounded voice. Because there are no cars in that crazy world. " What does it DO?"
" See?" Akito said. " They cannot drive me. And I cannot drive either."
" I see! Well… I really do want to see ……………KYO, so I'll go ahead and drive again. Just don't try and fire me again!" Kazuma chuckled warmly. Then he hopped into the driver's seat. Kiba sat in the back with Akito, who was fondling him creepily. Kiba had his head out the window, though, panting like a dog, so he didn't care. Brock sat by Kazuma, and flipped through his guidebook.
" This place isn't mentioned ANYWHERE in the guidebook! We're LOST! We better find someone to help in the same boring pattern we do every week! THEN we can move on!" Brock said.
" Shut up." Said Akito.
" Okay." Said Brock.
Kiba suddenly turned around and gave them all the LOOK. " No matter what any of you say… we will find it. It does exist. North Dakota." He whispered.
" Um… okay. Well, we already knew it existed." Kazuma said.
Kiba gave him a dirty look, then ever so slowly went back to looking out the window as if he were offended.
And so, the four of them drove until it was night. Then, for no reason whatsoever they hopped out of the car and got into their sleeping bags and gathered around the campfire. Then Brock made dinner. HURRAH!
" It's near. North Dakota. Just a little bit more." Kiba said dramatically, looking ahead.
" Really, minion?" Akito said. " This is good."
" Um… actually, it's more than a hundred miles away. I have a map." Kazuma pointed out.
Kiba gave Kazuma another disgusted look and went back to staring ahead obsessively.
" Ah… Nothing beats a jelly-filled donut!" Brock exclaimed, holding what was obviously an onigiri riceball.
" How come there's no jelly in it?" Everyone asked after they took a bite from their own.
Brock froze, then shrugged moodily. Everyone decided to leave him alone.
" Tomorrow, we will return to the car and our journey will return anew! Let me use your body as a pillow to sleep on, minion." Akito snapped at Kiba.
" Okay." Said Kiba, since he was really a wolf and they don't mind about things like that. And so, Akito and Kiba went to SLEEP.
Since Kazuma and Brock couldn't sleep, Kazuma told Brock his long, dramatic story involving Kyo and his grandfather. Brock listened without even blinking! Because he can't! He has no eyes! HARDY-HAR-HAR!
Of course, it took Kazuma forever to tell the story, since he had to pause for like five minutes everytime he said Kyo's name, but Brock let him finish the story because Brock was so used to hearing long, stupid stories from random people.
" That's really SAD." Brock said at the end in a voice that was trying way too hard to sound distressed, so it just ended up sounding really FURIOUS at the pain Kazuma had suffered!
" Yeah…" Said Kazuma. " But talking about it has made me feel better."
" I'm glad you feel better." Said Brock.
Kazuma smiled at him. " I like you Brock."
" I like you too Kazuma." Said Brock with the same smile.
Then there was a creepily long pause.
Brock and Kazuma laughed together foolishly for no reason as the camera panned up to show the moon, and then it froze on the moon for a long time and then the chapter was over.
OMAKE!
The search does not go well in the jungle of Abakaloobie. For one thing, the jungle of Abakaloobie does not exist. Yeah… sucks for me. However, good news! Even though I didn't expect it, SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTED TO ASK KAGURA A QUESTION! TWO someones in fact! Well, that's amazing! I mean… Kagura is so… THERE! Oh well! Let's ask questions!
Kitsune-chan: When was the first time you ever saw Kyo?
Kagura: It was a summer day…
Kyo: No it wasn't.
Kagura: Yes it was, Kyo-kun? Don't you remember?
Kyo: NO!
Kagura: WELL IT WAS A SUMMER DAY!
Kyo: NO IT WASN'T! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! EVERYONE IS SO STUPID! (runs off like a fool)
Kagura: It was a summer day… hooray!
Naria: Is it true that you TOO ate Carl? And why hasn't Security Fred exploded?
Kagura: If Kyo-kun ate a purple wooper, I too would eat a purple wooper! I even set out to do so as soon as I got this letter! However, Hayley already had an X-ray on Kyo-kun done, so there was no point! A shame too! I just LOOOOOOVE WOOPER!
…
As for your other question, my amigo, well, Security Fred is (gasp!) important to the plot! He KEEPS THE PEACE! He SECURS things! Precious things! And it's easier than to make him explode and have a Security Fred reincarnate come. How Security Fred managed to be in Japan and North Dakota at the same time, however… that's a REAL mystery!
Why DON'T they call it Big Mick?
Anyhoo, that's all for today! We've run out of time! Okay… so not really. But I've run out of PAITENCE! Next time send questions to Momichi! As for me…
I'M OFF! TO THE VOLCANO OF SNOW AND ICE! Water and fire creates steam! The world can be saved… by the power of steam…
Ja!