chapter 4
"Can we sit?" Buffy asked, tilting her head in the direction of a bench she knew was close by.
Nodding, Oz let himself be led to a stone bench that sat in front of a stained old battered fountain that stood unused with only muddy water from the occasional rain storm sat stagnant at the bottom of its bowl.
Buffy sat on the edge of the seat looking into the murky depths behind her and waited for Oz to sit before she turned her gaze to him.
He had been away for so much, Buffy didn't know where to start.
The Initiative? Adam? Dracula? Dawn? ... Mom?
He looked so patient and compassionate at the moment it nearly broke Buffy, his expression asking her to spill all her thoughts and fears onto his kind shoulders but she turned her gaze down to the space between them blinking away the tears that might have fallen if she continued that thought. The slayer instead, focusing her attention on tracing the letter 'n'; that was engraved into the bench they sat on, the feeling grounding her as she considered how to explain to Oz something that she didn't know how anyone who hadn't been there could understand. Something that was constantly at the back of her mind now that she had a taste of it.
"Willow explained to you about Glory, right?" she finally asked, startling Oz who had been so intent on waiting for the moment she would open up, he had nearly missed it.
"Some. A lot of it I didn't understand but I guess that's to be expected.
Buffy just nodded as she continued to trace the 'n'; with the tip of her finger.
"I don't know where to start.
"It's okay. Just start from the beginning, Buffy," he told her, lightly touching her shoulder as reassurance.
Buffy smiled appreciatively and took a long deep breath.
"I dunno, I guess the start was that night. Dawn was supposed to die, but I couldn't let her do that. She was everything in the world to me, if she was gone I would've been left with nothing. So," she shrugged slightly, "I jumped instead," she ended softly, Oz having to shift a little closer to his friend as her voice was so low.
"A lot of it's fuzzy now, I don't remember everything from before.. from before my time in heaven," Buffy sighed and folded her hands in her lap as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth, "But afterwards..
The purple-haired wolf watched Buffy closely as she looked up at the night sky with a slight smile, and for a moment, Oz saw the reason why the few that had fallen for Buffy Summers, had fallen so deeply.
Buffy closed her eyes and breathed in deeply indicating she was about to continue which eased Oz from having to further that particular thought.
"I remember jumping though. I remember standing there, up on that tower and thinking, this was it, this was my reward.
"Reward?
Buffy smiled and looked back up to the sky, "I know, dying doesn't sound so much like a reward to normal people, but for me.. I was done. I'd finished and I didn't have to fight any more.
The two sat silently for a long while, the cold night air making Oz's uncovered arms break out in goose pimples.
"Buffy," Oz started and waited for the blonde to give him her full attention before he asked the question he had wanted to ask from the start of this conversation.
"What was heaven like?
Buffy looked at Oz from under her long lashes with a sad but also an almost joyous glimmer in her eyes that made the purple-haired wolf want to gather her up in a comforting hug that was maybe a bit more. It was the second time he had felt that way that night and the feeling confused him more than he liked to admit.
Buffy had never really been on Oz's radar before tonight. The radar that told him that Willow was the one he wanted in his life, for the rest of his life, that Veruca was someone that would understand him in a way no one else would understand and that Rachael was someone he could love. Buffy hadn't up to that point ever even made a blip on said radar. There was no doubting she was pretty, beautiful even, maybe even too beautiful in a conventional way that had led Oz to completely discount the blonde.
"Heaven?" she repeated softly, taking a moment to gather her thoughts.
"It was like.. it was like every good moment in your life, every wonderful dream, and every loving feeling you ever had rolled up into one," she said reverently, unconsciously scooting even closer to Oz as she spoke.
"It's like all the fear, self doubt, all the things that ever made you feel stupid or unworthy were far away because it had no place there. Anger and doubt, they're just, out of the question.
It-it's like finally achieving the one thing you never knew you wanted but always wished you had, but oh god Oz, it was all that but so much more, like you knew everything you ever needed to know because all the answers were already there and there wasn't a need to ask anymore.
Oz tilted his head as Buffy shook hers.
"I'm not explaining this right.
"No. No, I get it Buffy.
It was heaven.
Buffy paused, and then slowly beamed at her friend's simple words, knowing he understood her and felt instantly relieved when she didn't see any of the doubt she thought she would.
Feared she would.
This was the other reason holding her back from telling Willow and the others about heaven, especially as they were the ones that had pulled her out of there in the first place. Buffy had a feeling that if she had told them, their initial reaction would be to question her.
"Are you sure Buffy?
As if it made a difference that she was in the real heaven or in a Ôheaven-like' dimension.
"Are you sure Buffy?
Confirming to the slayer that they had doubts, serious doubts about her, something she had always dreaded.
"Are you sure Buffy?
Meaning they thought she might have back wrong.
Oz smile in return, looking straight into her green eyes he wanted to say something else, but blinked when he realised how close the two was were now sitting.
As if Buffy could read his thoughts, she quickly coughed and stood suddenly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other as she asked Oz if he was ready to resume their patrol.
The two walked in an uncomfortable silent for a while, nothing other than the crunch of their shoes and the occasional cricket making a sound in the silent cemetery prompting Oz to wonder where all the vampires were when you needed them.
"Oz, the letter you sent Willow.. did you really mean all that stuff?" Buffy softly asked him later, as they made their way out of Restfield cemetery and headed towards its neighbour.
"Letter? Oh.. you read that?
"I didn't mean, I know it was private, but Willow-"
"No it's okay," he cut her off quickly, "But, I don't remember..
"You said," Buffy paused and took a breath out of embarrassment, "You said you thought that people were missing out, that I was special and I took that to mean good special, not yellow bus special, but I could-
"Yes," Oz interrupted, "I mean no, not yellow bus special, but yes, life-changing special," Oz paused feeling uncomfortable with their unease with each other. He hardly ever felt like this, always quick witted enough or laid back enough that these situations scarcely ever occurred.
He was silent for so long in fact Buffy thought that was all he was going to say but he was continuing before she could think up of an appropriate response, much to her relief.
"I meant everything I said in that letter," the purple-haired wolf said running a hand through his messy hair, "Writing it, was like a... catharsis. I said all I ever wanted to say to Willow and I guess to you too," he said smiling, reassuring Buffy he didn't mind.
"Things that I guess were clearer with time away, which, you know, I'm grateful for, but coming back to Sunnydale, it was the right choice. I really only decided as I was writing it and I didn't even look back over what I wrote, just sent it off and got my things together and organised, but I know and you need to know, I meant every single word of that letter, Buffy.
"Oh," Buffy blinked at Oz's long answer wondering if she had ever heard her friend say as much as he just had.
The silence hung between the two as they stopped in front of an anonymous gravestone, the cross unmarked and weathered by time.
"Everything?" Buffy asked finally.
"Yes.
The slayer cuffed him over the head and crossed her arms over her chest, "I am not a bottle-blonde.
Oz smiled wryly as he rubbed the back of his head but was saved from saying anything else on the matter as a dark figure tackled the slayer, both hitting the ground with a grunt.
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I'm tired and I wrote this quickly because you were all so kind with reviews (quick relatively to the last post) and I'm not sure how good this chapter is, I don't know if I achieved what I wanted from the dialogue the two had.
sigh well I'll just have to be content for now, as I get busy with working on the next chapter.
I have folio due in, in two weeks so there definitely wont be anything until after that, but of course this is the last folio ever and then I'll be out in the real world looking for real jobs or you know, sitting on my arse like usual, so you probably wont ever have to wait a whole year like last time I don't think.
Thanks to: Catlimere, nimacu, Thinkbtvs, Therm, The Red Cheese is Wax, RavensHaelo, Alex, Seren Lunar Echo and dizzybugger for the reviews, hope this was quick enough and good enough for you all.
PS. Dizzybugger: The Willow bashing will be minimal sorry to say, she completely got on my nerves the season this is set, so there isn't any love for her either if that helps any ;)
Reviews are always loved, coddled and given a good home.