Chapter 17

The Kiss of LIFE!

"Darn! Black Haru isn't listening to me! HEY! BLACK HARU! WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?!" Shigure called for the billionth time to Haru who wasn't listening and was trashing all of the karoke equipment like an insane maniac.

"SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE POUND PUPPY! I'LL TALK TO YOU WHEN I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU!" Black Haru yelled as he kicked a hole into the wall.

"Haa-san? Did you hear that? He called me a Pound Puppy!" Shigure complained with teary eyes to Hatori who was sitting next to him smoking a ciggarette. Yes. None of those lazy Sohmas are actually TRYING to stop Black Haru's wrath. They're just sitting there and letting it happen!

"You are a pound puppy. And a member of the STUPID Mabudachi Trio." Kureno scoffed like Carson. (Thank you crazy Kuja-loving person!)

"I have NEVER been to the pound. Only to jail. Three times." Shigure replied proudly.

"SACRE BLEU!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled, because he had just walked into the room to see Black Haru breaking EVERYTHING in the room. "What are you all doing to my KAROKE BAR?!"

"Uh..." Said all the Sohmas and Reno.

"And you! Reno! Why are you still here?!" That Buddy Barn Guy demanded.

"Yeah... this is a FRUITS BASKET fanfic! Not a TURKS one!" Shigure exclaimed scoldingly.

MY HEAVENS! You two are right! What is that pop sensation doing here? Well, that's it! Get out, Reno, GET OUT! And you! Crazy Fruit Bat Turned Regent Cid! Yeah, I see you. GET OUT NOW!

"Won't ANYBODY help me?" Poor Regent Cid mumured as he flapped his way dejectedly out of the room.

"Now... I want that crazy teenager out of my Karoke bar NOW! And I want the rest of you too! I'll give you AN HOUR, and if you aren't gone by the time I've come back, I'll show you a side of That Buddy Barn Guy that you'll wish you've NEVER seen!" That Buddy Barn Guy promised shaking a threatening fist at them, and then whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go... for an HOUR.

Now, no one really wanted to see a side of That Buddy Barn Guy they haven't already seen, since the Sohmas have actually gone and seen his BAD side, which is extremely rare. That Buddy Barn Guy almost NEVER shows his bad side! In fact, I didn't even know he HAD a bad side until this story came along!

"Well, how do we normally stop Black Haru?" Hatori asked everyone.

"We KILL him!" Kureno yelled and hit the table with his fist.

"No we don't." Everyone said.

"And then bring him back to life!" Kureno continued as if no one had even said anything.

"Usually someone just knocks him out." Momiji supplied.

"Okay." Hatori said, taking action. "Yuki, go knock him out."

"Black Haru never wants to fight me. He just wants to grope me." Yuki replied, wishing that he had some CHEESE. Which doesn't really have anything to do with what's happening. He just wants some cheese. OKAY?!

"Point taken. Okay, Kyo. You're up." Hatori said, pointing to Kyo who was keeping a tender, maternal watch over Ratkiller.

"WHAT?! NO! If I were to die, who would take care of Ratkiller?!" Kyo exclaimed indignantly.

"... who else knows the martial arts?" Hatori asked. Of course, the Mabudachi Trio don't know any. Why? I'm not sure. You think they COULD have...

"I do. But I'm afraid I'm too gentle and kindhearted to ever cause any harm to anyone." Kagura exclaimed as if that were true.

"I could NEVER hurt Haru even though I've done it a million times!" Rin protested.

"Never fear! The LONE CHICKEN will take battle with that raging bull! Using SEXY NIN-CHICKEN-FUU!" Kureno declared as he rose from the table and yanked off a bright red tablecloth. Everyone started to stop him since they realized Black Haru would probably kill him, then they thought harder about that outcome and decided to be quiet.

"Hey you! COW FULL OF RAGE!" Kureno yelled as he stepped onto the stage bravely.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT, CHICKEN LITTLE?!" Black Haru screamed.

"My name is Kureno Sohma. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Kureno said JUST like the most awesome guy ever from the Princess Bride, and whipped out the tablecloth. "TORO! TORO!"

Black Haru just stared at the tablecloth blankly.

"TORO! TORO!" Kureno continued to yell foolishly, as he waved the tablecloth around.

Black Haru took the tablecloth and tied it around Kureno's head and then kicked him off the stage. "NEXT?!" He called angrily.

"The world has gone dark! Help me, flunky! Help the Lone Chicken!" Kureno called as he stumbled around the room. But Kyo was too obessed with his goldfish to do anything to help Kureno.

"Great. It's too bad Ritsu isn't here. He could probably apologize Haru into submission." Hatori sighed.

"OH! I have an idea!" Ayame yelled, waving one hand in the air like a fool.

"ME TOO!" Kureno echoed in a muffled voice as he writhed around on the ground.

"What's your idea Kureno?" Hatori asked because even if Kureno was a crazy fool, he made more sense than Ayame did most of the time.

"Let's get this tablecloth off my head!" Kureno suggested as if it were the best idea in the world.

"Ayame?" Hatori said.

"Why don't you just ERASE the fact that Haru is Black Haru right now from his memories? Because if he doesn't REMEMBER being Black Haru, then he can't BE Black Haru!" Ayame exclaimed, hoping that Hatori would approve of his plan so he could BRAG about it and look confident! And also because he wants to please Hatori. Because he is Hatori's bitch.

In some sort of CRAZY way... Hatori realized that Ayame was making sense! "That just might work..." He murmured, stroking his chin sagefully.

"I'M A GENIUS! PRAISE ME TORI-SAN! PRAISE ME!" Ayame cheered, jumping up and down.

"Shut up. Everyone just stay back so I don't accidently erase your memories too." Hatori said as Ayame automatically shut up and sat down. Then Hatori rose and started to painstakingly make his way up onto the Karoke stage.

"HATORI!" Shigure cried suddenly in the most dramatic voice possible.

"What?!" Hatori snapped, jumping about five feet into the air.

"You KNOW..." Said Shigure, "You could be a member of the MIB, and you wouldn't even need a neuralizer! You'd be the ULTIMATE agent! Agent H!"

"Would you just SHUT UP?" Hatori said dangerously because he could NOT believe Shigure had just interrupted him to tell him he could be a member of the Men in Black.

"Well... you wear shorts. I don't think they'd let you in..." Shigure murmured to himself thoughtfully.

Hatori decided to never listen to a word Shigure ever said again in his whole life and continued up onto the stage. Black Haru stopped from whatever BLACK HARUISH thing he was doing and stared at Hatori.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME ON... HATORI?!" Black Haru yelled after pausing for a second after he said that first part, because he was trying to think of something insulting and demeaning to call Hatori's Zodiac form, but of course you can't be any MORE sad if you ARE a seahorse who is sad even if it isn't been insulted. So he just said Hatori.

"Just hold still for a minute." Hatori said, and aimed his hand at Haru.

"LIKE I'D FALL FOR THAT OLD TRICK!" Black Haru cackled insanely.

"Well, he does when he's normal Haru." Shigure observed and everyone nodded.

"I need a distraction to keep him still." Hatori called out to those unhelpful Sohmas.

"I know! TOHRU! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!" Ayame yelled as if it were the greatest idea in the world.

"NO WAY!" Kyo and Yuki screamed, and just for a change of things, HATORI screamed it too!

"Eh? EHHHH?!" Tohru yelled, even though I'm sure if there was a good enough reason, you just might convince her to take her shirt off.

"Or even better YET..." Ayame said suddenly, already forgetting about his other idea, " Yuki! YOU take your shirt off!"

"NO!" Yuki yelled.

"Of course! That would work! Aya, you're just FULL of great ideas today!" Shigure exclaimed, patting Ayame on the head. "If Yuki flashed Black Haru, he would come to a stop, distracted by the shininess of Yuki's hairless chest!"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT FLASHING HARU!" Yuki yelled, and slammed his fist down on the table and got up to leave but then he remembered he had no one to take him home, so he just sat down quietly.

"Wait... no flashing?" Black Haru asked since he had been listening to the whole thing. I mean, COME ON. He's not deaf to you guys talking about him or anything.

"NO!" Yuki screamed.

"Aww..." Said the whole world.

"I KNOW! LET'S SING TOGETHER!" Momiji exclaimed. "Crazy Bus, Crazy Bus! Riding on the Crazy Bus! Riding up and riding down, riding around the crazy town! Happy, zooey, nakkie, looey..."

"Make it stop! MAKE THE HAPPINESS STOP!" Black Haru yelled in agony as he fell to the ground and started writhing about in vain attempts to block the song out by covering his ears. I cannot imagine Black Haru being able to stand that song. I know that that song is HURTING Kyo, Rin, and Hatori's ears, but to Black Haru it must sound like nails on a chalkboard.

"Momiji. Keep singing." Hatori said as he walked closer to Black Haru.

"High as a plane or BALLOONEY! CRAZY BUS, CRAZY BUS, RIDING ON THE CRAZY BUS! ...BUS." Momiji ended in an overly dramatic voice.

JUST as he finished, Hatori grabbed Haru really fast and put his hand over Black Haru's face. I'm not really sure if this is ALWAYS how Hatori erases people's memories, but this is how I see him do it ALL the time, so I'm just putting it THIS way.

Oh wait! He erased Kureno's with just a flash of light! But I can't just go and contradict myself now! NO! THE IRONY OF HATORI'S SEAHORSE POWERS! Oh well.

"Wait a minute!" Shigure yelled since he had foolishly waited until the last second to think about this. "You might erase Black Haru's knowledge of his SECRET!" Then Shigure jumped forward in super slow motion to stop Hatori. But since Hatori was all the way across the room, Shigure just tripped over the top of the table and laid there limply.

"Well, now that THAT'S over with..." Hatori said briskly, slapping his hands together for no reason. But JUST as he said that, Haru sprang up and glomped him.

"HAA-CHAN!" He yelled in a super FAB voice that would have made any Olympics Athlete run for his life except for that one with the little head and the squeaky voice. "KYUUUU!"

"HARU! What the hell is wrong with you?" Hatori demanded as Haru hung to him like a very dependent baby sloth.

"I LOVE YOU! You're so fun!" Haru giggled. "HEY, LOOK! You're wearing shorts! That is SOOO retro!"

"Um... what's wrong with Haru?" Momiji asked in a very small voice, because he was feeling very threatened. BUBBLY is Momiji's game. NOT Haru's.

"PINK has descended..." Everyone said as an ominous fluffy pink cloud surrounded them.

"KAROKE! I LOVE Karoke! ' If you wanna be my lovah, you gotta get with my FRIENDS!'" Pink Haru starting singing, and winked and pointed at everyone suggestively. "Make it last forever, FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS!"

"HEY!" Momiji yelled. It's MOMIJI'S job to be disgustngly FLAMBOYENT and sing songs that were popular when you were in fourth grade. "Stop that!"

"I really really really really wanna zigazig AH..." Pink Haru said.

"Wait. Why is there a Pink Haru?" Yuki inquired.

WELL! CHUH! You don't think Haru just has ONE other personality, do you? COME ON! Haru has more emotions than boring loser and EVIL loser! He's got all SORTS OF LOSER COWS IN THERE!

"... I was asking everyone else..." Yuki murmured.

"HEY! I KNOW! Let's go watch CIRCLE OF FRIENDS!" Pink Haru exclaimed, and clapped his hands together.

"NO." Said Hatori even though he holds that movie very, very dear to his heart. "We aren't. You need to turn back to REGULAR Haru."

"I AM regular Haru! I'm EXTRA-REGULAR. I'm FAB! Fab fab fabby!" Pink Haru exclaimed with nauseating flowers and sparklies in the background.

"Hey, Pink Haru! What's your secret?" Shigure called because he didn't mind this change in Haru.

"What? Secret? Oh! That's so embarassing! I couldn't tell you THAT secret!" Pink Haru giggled. "Shii-chan, you're so naughty!"

"What? That you're ridiculously GAY?" Kyo muttered while he shielded the little fishbowl from whatever threat he had decided against in his little kitty head.

Pink Haru took this as a cue to SING, because he takes everything as a cue to sing."I feel PRETTY... OH, SO PRETTY... I feel pretty, and witty, and-"

"HEY!" Ayame yelled. " BACK OFF, buddy, that's AYAME'S song!"

"No. I don't think this one knows the secret either. NEXT!" Shigure called from a loudspeaker and a director's chair he had gotten from nowhere. Hatori turned around and gave him a strange look.

"Shigure. We are not going through all of Haru's personalities just to find out some stupid secret."

"MEMORIES... ALL ALOOONE IN THE MOONLIGHT..."

"TORI-san! Haru's singing all my songs!" Ayame whined.

"Sing with me, Kyo-chan!" Haru exclaimed enthusiastically.

"NO!" Said Kyo. "Why would I? Just because I'm a cat you think I like that STUPID musical?!"

Well... of course Kyo likes it! He's the CAT! And his favorite song is ' Skimble Shanks the Railway Cat'! He doesn't like Gus, but then again... WHO DOES?!

"There's only one thing for us to do..." Shigure said appearing from nowhere at Hatori's side and stroking his chin. "And that's to go through Haru's one by one until we find out the SECRET!"

"Or keep trying till we get the real Haru back." Hatori corrected since that's what he intended to do.

"What? The REAL Haru? Why would you want HIM back? He's so boring." Shigure said disdainfully.

Hatori ignored Shigure and turned to Pink Haru. "Hey Haru. Think fast."

"I CAN'T!" Haru started to say since it's something he just can't do, when there was a FLASH of light and Haru fell back onto the ground as if he had been hit by a bolt of LIGHT-NIN! If you're wondering why the flash didn't erase Shigure's memories it's because he has sunglasses on.

Yes, I KNOW Hatori doesn't have sunglasses on. But it's not like he could erase his OWN memories. Unless... he can? I wonder... would Hatori really be fool enough to erase his own memories? Could he do it if he WANTED to? But then again, Hatori's the kind of guy to say, That's the LOSER'S way out! ARGH! I can never figure out that crazy seahorse!

"Wake up, whichever color Haru you are!" Shigure exclaimed, jumping around Haru who was lying there numbly.

"Haru? Are you white again?" Hatori asked. When there was no reply, he walked up to Haru and shaked him. "Haru? Haru?"

Haru blinked and stared up at Hatori. Then his eyes bulged out and he screamed like Homer Simpson and began running around the room like a fool, screaming over and over again.

"Hatori! Your shorts are intimidating him!" Shigure scolded.

"Shigure, this is obviously Yellow Haru." Hatori sighed as Yellow Haru yelled and started running to random corners of the room to hide in, all the while screaming like Homer Simpson.

"Haru, it's okay. No one wants to hurt you." Hatori called in a nice voice. "I just want to make everything okay."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yellow Haru yelled and started slamming himself against the wall as if this were a good plan of escape.

"Hatori. Stop right there. You're only going to scare him MORE." Shigure sighed disdainfully. "You have to let a REAL grownup take care of this. Where's Kureno?"

Everyone looked around and then realized Kureno had passed out onto the floor after being suffocated by the red tablecloth a long time ago.

"I'm the only real grownup here, and you know it." Hatori said in an offended voice, and then hopped off the stage and starting walking towards Haru. "Hey, Haru? It's okay. Quit yelling. Do you want a Mentos?"

The sight of Hatori speaking in a creepy nice voice and pulling a box of Mentos out of his shorts was just too much for poor Yellow Haru. He screamed until his face turned blue and then he fainted.

"Darn! I didn't get to ask THAT Haru if he knew the secret!" Shigure pouted.

"He'd probably be too scared to tell you anything anyway." Hatori replied.

And so they went through Haru after Haru. Purple Haru, who was extremely brave and tried to save everyone from nothing at all. Then there was Green Haru, who loves to tend to plants and flowers. You could also call him YUKI! HARDY-HAR-HAR! Okay. You couldn't. Then there was Blue Haru who was extremely depressed.

But NONE of these Haru's could tell Shigure what the secret was!

"WHY NOOOOOT?" Shigure whined.

And then they transgressed from the COLORED Haru's to the oddly named Haru's. There was Butch Haru, Sissy Haru, Nerd Haru, Bubba Haru, Stylin' Haru, the Haru that voted for Clay Aiken, the Haru who voted for Rueben Studdard, Groundhog Haru, Secretly Bloodthirsty Haru, and Not-so-secretly Bloodthirsty Haru.

After they had shot Not-so-secretly Bloodthirsty Haru with a tranquilizer gun, everyone sighed and took a deep breath. "Why don't we just tie him up and DRAG him home?" Kyo wanted to know. "I have to feed Ratkiller!"

"Here. Feed him this." Ayame said boredly, and shoved a bag of Ruffles at Kyo.

"Goldfish DON'T eat Ruffles." Kyo said, staring at Ayame as if he were the stupidest person in the world.

"Ruffles is the MOTHER of all potato chips." Ayame said but didn't follow up with anything after that.

"It is not. It's the FATHER." Lied Chronic Liar Haru who had sat up and began lying out of nowhere. Everyone turned around and blinked at him. See, Chronic Liar Haru is JUST like regular Haru, except Chronic Liar Haru is smart, while Haru is dumb. But see, because he lies so much, Chronic Liar Haru looks dumb too, so often he goes unoticed and mistaken for normal Haru.

"...Haru? Is that you?" Hatori asked, relieved because he was almost of of MP for his magical seahorse powers.

"Yes." Chronic Liar Haru lied.

"Darn! Now I'll never know that secret! The closest I got was Groundhog Haru telling me that spring would come early this year!" Shigure said, snapping his fingers.

"Huh. That groundhog knows NOTHING." Ayame scoffed like Carson.

"I know the secret." Chronic Liar Haru lied, who we now will refer to as CL Haru because it's easier on my hands. And now, for something you've all been waiting for! Haru's secret! That's right! CL Haru WAS the one who started the secret thing! But guess what? Since everything he says is a lie, there ISN'T actually a secret! He just decided to lie that there was one, and so it's been carried this far! What's this? Yes, that was CL Haru in the first chapter, and not REGULAR Haru. He was just tricking all you poor readers and Shigure!

"WHAT IS THE SECRET?!" Shigure screamed, and if he were anyone but Shigure he would have pullen his hair out.

"Rekcus." CL Haru lied.

"REKCUS? REKCUS?" Shigure exclaimed, and then went off into a corner saying in a puzzled voice, "HMMM... Rekcus..." That poor Shigure. NOW he'll probably spend the rest of his life trying to figure out what sucker is backwards.

"Was that really worth baiting him for so long?" Hatori wanted to know.

"Yes." CL Haru lied.

" I guess you just wanted to get Shii-chan back for all the times he's ridiculed you in public!" Momiji chuckled like Kureno.

" No... I wouldn't want to do something like THAT." CL Haru lied and shook his head.

" Can we go home now?" Yuki asked. " I want to leave before That Buddy Barn Guy gets back."

" Ratkiller is starving to death! Look at him! He's practically getting skinnier by the SECOND!" Kyo yelled at all of them angrily. No one bothered to point out to him that goldfish don't really lose weight or get skinny. I mean, have YOU ever seen a skinny goldfish? It's not like there's ANOREXIC goldfish out there.

Are there anorexic animals? What about anorexic monkeys? I'M SO CURIOUS NOW I CAN'T STAND IT! DARN YOU FRUITS BASKET AND YOUR ANOREXIC, STARVED GOLDFISH! ARGH!!!

" Speaking of going into a more and more dangerous state of being by the second..." Hatori said in a way that would probably make you chuckle like Kureno, " I think we should wake up Kureno now."

Everyone turned around and looked at the unconcious Kureno with the tablecloth tied around his head. Just so you know, he's not dead or anything. He's just comatose. I know. BIG DISSAPOINTMENT. I know.

" Why do we have to wake up that bastard? Just leave him there." Kyo scoffed like Carson and stroked his fishbowl affectionately. Hey! Maybe Kyo should get an I love RATKILLER shirt! Maybe I should get an I love Ratkiller shirt! Because I REALLY do!

" Now, Kyo. Being the CAT you don't understand that all of the members of the Jyuunishi ALWAYS have to look out for each other." Ayame said with an overbearing sigh.

" No you don't! You guys are ALWAYS fighting!" Kyo argued.

" Oh, sure. ' Fighting.' Like we EVER do that." Ayame chuckled like Kureno.

" I've never had a fight in my WHOLE life!" Tohru exclaimed. And I doubt you ever will.

"Alright. Who wants to unravel the tablecloth off Kureno's head?" Hatori asked in a voice that suggested he didn't think there was anyone in the world who wanted to do that. When they all stared at him, he sighed and said, "I THOUGHT as much."

"What if he's just waiting for someone to touch him so he can strike? I think Kyonkichi better do it." Ayame said doubtfully, munching on his Ruffles.

"ME? WHY ME?!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Well, you are his Flunky, aren't you?" Hatori asked.

"I never agreed to that! He only SAYS I'm his flunky! You have no proof! YOU HAVE NO PROOF!" Kyo screamed and picked up the fishbowl and ran off into a little corner.

Hatori had a feeling that once again everything would be left up to him, but he wished with all his heart otherwise so he just sat there looking at other people expectantly. Finally, Shigure spoke.

"I need a dictionary." He said with an intense look.

"Never mind. I'll do it." Hatori sighed and untied the tablecloth off Kureno's head. Then he jumped back because he had been expecting Kureno to jump up and attack him or to chuckle foolishly or something Lone Chickenish like that.

But Kureno wasn't moving! In fact... he wasn't doing much of anything! He was just laying there completely still! His mouth wasn't moving! His chest wasn't moving! Oh NO!

"You guys... Kureno isn't breathing..." Hatori said slowly, looking over that silly, silly dying Lone Chicken.

"WHAT?!" Everyone yelled at him. "That's CRAZY!"

"Oh no! Kureno-san is dying! You shouldn't underestimate it!" Tohru cried, clapsing her hands together in a praying motion.

"Don't worry Honda-kun. I won't." Hatori said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"MY GOD! That Lone Chicken is tottering on the brink of light and darkness! What will we DO, Tori-san?!" Ayame cried like the drama queen he is. "If we don't hurry he'll be lost to us forever!"

"Don't stop and start thinking about that." Hatori said sternly as everyone started to reflect on how much they actually wanted Kureno alive. "We have to do something now. Does anyone know CPR?"

YES, silly, Hatori knows CPR, but do you REALLY think he wants to do it on Kureno if he actually HAS to? He'd probably rather dance around naked balancing a Kodama on his head!

"I do." CL Haru said, raising his hand. But he was ignored.

"I don't how to do it, but I'll do my best!" Tohru exclaimed.

"No. That wouldn't work. Kureno would turn into his Jyuunishi form." Hatori said, shaking his head. AND OH WHAT A LOSS THAT WOULD BE!

"I can!" Kagura said.

"Kagura, you'd break his ribs." Hatori sighed.

"Um... HELLO! EARTH TO HATORI!" Shigure said with his hands on his hips. "Why are you asking all these other people? We WERE male lifeguards once, after all!"

"We were male lifeguards for a week. I'm a DOCTOR." Hatori said angrily, because that was just STUPID.

"But if I didn't say lifeguard then we wouldn't get to have a flashback!" Shigure said.

FLASHBACK

"It sure is great being a MALE lifeguard, isn't it Haa-san?" Asked the young furling of a boy that was SEVENTEEN year old Shigure, sitting in his high, high chair.

"As opposed to being a female...?" Hatori the sexy nerd called from his own tall, tall chair. The two of them were foolishly sittng there staring out at the beach.

"No, fool. We get to WATCH and BEFRIEND the female lifeguards!" Shigure cheered.

"And save lives." Hatori reminded Shigure like the responsible nerd he was.

"Hatori... are you gay?" Shigure asked.

"Shut up." Said Hatori. " I'm just saying it's important to not be concentrating on the female lifeguards, and to watch the small children that might need to have their lives saved."

"Oh yeah. It's ALWAYS about the children." Shigure said sarcastically, and gave a big Cloud shrug and almost fell out of his chair. In the process of doing so, he saw something he wasn't expecting.

"Hatori... are you wearing SWIMMING trunks?" Shigure gasped.

"Uh... yeah?" Teenage Hatori replied self-conciously.

"WHY?" Shigure asked in a shocked and astounded voice.

"Because we're LIFEGUARDS at the beach?" Hatori said slowly. "What else was I supposed to wear?"

"I don't know. I just never thought you'd wear swimming trunks when you went to the beach..." Shigure said with line eyes and began stroking his chin sagely, even though he was just a young furling of a boy. Okay. We'll just say he began stroking his chin FURLINGLY.

"Well what ELSE am I supposed to be wearing?" Hatori demanded.

"I just guess I thought you'd be skinny dipping..."

"Shut up Shigure."

"You should come with me and Aya the next time we go-"

"SHUT UP Shigure."

END FLASHBACK

"Hey... how come I wasn't a male lifeguard? OR a female one?" Ayame demanded as everyone else chuckled warmly.

"Ayame you can't SWIM." Hatori said.

"You don't need to swim to sit in a CHAIR, Hatori. Duh." Ayame sighed, shaking his head as if to say, ' OH, HATORI! YOU RETARDED BOY!'

"Anyway... Shigure, if you're so hung up on once having been a lifeguard, why don't you give Kureno CPR?" Hatori asked, shaking his head as if to say... ' OH AYAME! IF I WERE YUKI (not THIS Yuki, the OTHER Yuki) I WOULD CUSS YOU OUT!'

"I don't remember how. Hatori, it is up to YOU to deliver the kiss of life!" Shigure said in a dramatic voice as rose petals began showering all around him.

"Nobody is KISSING anyone. I'd just be doing CPR." Hatori said.

"You call it CPR... I call it... THE KISS OF LIFE." Shigure said slowly as Haru cleaned up the rose petals behind him.

"You better do it now, Hatori. Kureno is turning blue." Yuki pointed out. LIKE A SMURF! A CHICKEN SMURF!

Hatori took a deep breath, then slowly put his ear to Kureno's chest to listen for circulation, then tilted his head up holding the chin and the back of his head, then put his lips to Kureno's and breathed into them a few times. Then he put his hands back on Kureno's chest and began pumping it FIFTEEN times! CAN YOU TELL I TOOK THIS CLASS OR WHAT?!

Everyone watched this go on enviously. NO, they didn't wish THEY were the ones giving Kureno CPR. They were wishing that THEY were Kureno having CPR given to him by Hatori. I mean, come on, YOU'RE thinking that too, aren't you? I know I am! But it will never happen! SOB!

All of a sudden, Kureno's eyelashes fluttered open and he looked up blearily. For a second he looked JUST like some forlorn shojo heroine, but then he let out a great gasp and smacked Hatori in the mouth.

"How DARE you take advantage of the Lone Chicken?!" Kureno cried, drawing himself up in an offended manner. "You short-dwelling pervert!"

"I wasn't taking advantage of you! I was saving your life!" Hatori replied, rubbing his face resentfully. Doctors! THEY'RE NEVER APPRECIATED!

"Saving my life? More like giving me the BREATH OF DEATH!" Kureno said fiercely.

"I was not giving you the breath of death." Hatori said slowly.

"He was giving you the kiss of life!" Shigure pointed out helpfully.

"I was not giving you the kiss of life either." Hatori said quickly.

"Where's my flunky? FLUNKY!!!" Kureno screamed at the top of his lungs.

"WHAT?!" Kyo yelled from his corner. "I mean, I AM NOT YOUR FLUNKY!"

"How could you sit in that corner and let the Lone Chicken get triple teamed?" Kureno called in a heartbroken manner. "Have you no sense of chilvary, boy?"

"All I did was give CPR." Hatori said, rolling his eyes and turned around to see everyone giving him a weird look.

"...what?" Hatori asked.

"I don't know. It's just..." Kagura began uncomfortably, looking away.

"You DID sort of look like you were enjoying it." Rin admitted.

"WHAT? That is not true. You two are just being stupid. Right?" Hatori asked everyone else.

"I think you LIKED it." Said CL Haru bluntly.

"Well... it's to be expected. Anyone would LIKE french kissing the Lone Chicken, be they man, woman, or beast." Kureno said thoughtfully, not sure whether this was a victory or a defeat against the Mabudachi Trio.

"I did NOT french kiss you! I gave you CPR!" Hatori exclaimed, then groaned and put a hand to his forehead. "Oh, my head..."

"You did give him the kiss of-"Shigure started to say.

"Shigure, say that and I won't tell you that Reckus is Sucker backwards." Hatori interrupted.

Shigure froze for about five seconds then turned around to look at CL Haru who was just standing there like a fool. "You mean...?" Shigure said slowly.

"Yes." Said everyone.

"HARU?! HOW COULD YOU?! IS THIS BECAUSE OF THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS?!" Shigure gasped in horror.

"No." Lied CL Haru.

"I can't believe it! So you think Shigure Sohma is a sucker, do you? I'll show HIM whose sucker. Just you wait, Hatsuharu." Shigure said with an evil look and began rubbing his hands together as if he were invisible and no one could see him. "Just you wait..."

"Okay." Said CL Haru and went back to admiring the red star on his cheek. YES, it's still there. I don't have to talk about it every five seconds, do I?

"Wait. Hatori french-kissed WHO?" Kyo asked in an offended voice as he wandered over with Ratkiller.

"If anyone had to take advantage of me I would have wanted it to be my flunky. Or Akito." Kureno said sadly.

"Okay, well, I think that about wraps it up, so let's get going." Hatori said briefly, as he rose up and swept his hands together. Don't worry guys. Hatori didn't REALLY french-kiss Kureno. He's not like that. He was just doing his job. You don't have to go home and cry to your mommy and daddy about how Hatori is a perverted seahorse. He's not.

Take a deep breath. It's okay.

"Yeah. We should go before That Buddy Barn Guy gets back." Said Yuki in his special Junior Hatori voice. Then Hatori threw him a cookie. Just kidding. Hatori doesn't throw cookies at anyone but Ayame. He just gave Yuki a thankful look.

JUST as Yuki uttered those responsible words, who strutted in but... ZACK! Just kidding. It was That Buddy Barn Guy. Who else?

"WHAT?! I give you AN hour and you're still here! What's the matter with you guys? Are you just STUPID?!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled at all of them. " WHAT'S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT ONE HOUR?!"

"Um..." Said all of the Sohmas except for Haru who was still admiring the star and Ritsu, Hiro, Akito, and Kisa who weren't there. Yes! That is correct! All of the other people who were Sohmas said um too, even though they WEREN'T there.

"Thanks a LOT Yuki. You just HAD to go and say that, and now the stupid foreshadowing, irony element of writing had to show up." Shigure said, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up, Shigure." Yuki said, although he did feel pretty bad about summoning the wrath of That Buddy Barn Guy upon them.

"So... are you going to show us the side of That Buddy Barn Guy that we'll wish we'd never seen?" Hatori asked That Buddy Barn Guy fearlessly. He's so tired and poor now that NOTHING can scare or make him worry.

"Well... I didn't actually expect you to still be here. I don't really HAVE a side that you'd regret seeing. What you see is what you get with That Buddy Barn Guy." That Buddy Barn Guy said thoughtfully.

"So it was just an empty threat?" Hatori asked.

"Oh, EMPTY threat, is it, Mr. Redundant?!" That Buddy Barn Guy said, drawing himself up in an offended manner. "That's right! Take advantage of the natrually generous and mild Buddy Barn Guy's Buddy Barn nature! Take the numerous products he gives to you and LAUGH! Well, we'll see whose laughing now!" He then whipped out his Buddy Barn Powered Cell Phone and started dialing. "HAH HAH HAH!" He laughed in a very fake voice.

"Can I have some fish food?" Kyo asked.

"I'm on the PHONE!" That Buddy Barn Guy screamed as he chucked a box of Buddy Barn Fish Flakes at Kyo's head.

"Here, Ratkiller. Yummy fish flakes." Kyo said with horseshoe eyes, kneeling over to shake the little flakes in. Then he watched the goldfish gulp them up contently. Then he realized everyone was watching him and started screaming obscenties.

"Who are you calling?" Momiji asked That Buddy Barn Guy curiously.

"NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!" He screamed back and then walked out the door in a huff. All of the Sohmas stood there at a loss for what to do. If I were them, I would be ESCAPING but I'm just Hayley. Hayley Wallace. Cowgirl...

"I feel so bad!" Tohru exclaimed guiltily.

"Don't worry, Honda-san. He's probably not going to do anything." Yuki reassured her.

"Shut up Yuki!" Kyo yelled at Yuki resentfully because he was JUST about to say that, but that stupid rat beat him to it! DARN! BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, KYO-KUN!

"Well, well, well..." Came an ominous voice from the door, and everyone turned around to see the shadowy outline of SECURITY FRED! He had just rode over on his motorcycle! How did he get here so fast? Do not question Security Fred and the measures he must take! And don't question his motorcycle either. It's from North Dakota.

"If it isn't the CHUCKLER..." He said, looking to Kureno.

"...the CAT..." To Kyo even if he doesn't know about the secret.

"...the GIRL..." To Kagura.

"...the offensive SPEEDER..." To Shigure, who just blinked.

"And the FLICKER." He said finally, rounding out on Hatori. Oh, if only he could say, ' Not those CRAZY Sohmas again!' Why can't you say it, Security Fred? Why can't you?

"Actually, we're the Sohma family." Hatori said like the polite gentleman he is.

"I don't care WHAT you call yourselves, but you guys are the biggest upset North Dakota has had in years. We might actually have to QUESTION you. And we never do that with breakers of the law here." Security Fred said, shaking his head shamefully.

"We haven't done anything WRONG, though. Or at least... I haven't. I don't know about these guys. I'm not in trouble am I? It was probably all Kyonkichi's fault. He IS the cat." Ayame said with a look at Kyo.

"SHUT UP AYAME, YOU BASTARD!" Kyo yelled.

"How rude!" Ayame clucked.

"I'm sorry Miss, but this fellow right here called and told me you had made a mess of his property and were creating a disturbance. I can't just let something like that go by unpunished." Security Fred said to Ayame sternly.

"Are you SURE?" Ayame asked.

"Yes." Said Security Fred.

"You'll never take my flunky alive, Copper! Quick, flunky! Sacrifice yourself so the Lone Chicken can escape!" Kureno yelled, throwing Kyo at Security Fred. Kyo stuck out his arms and only bumped into Security Fred slightly.

"Be CAREFUL! I almost tripped over Ratkiller!" Kyo yelled at Kureno, who was already running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. He eventually ran into a wall, but this was sometime later, so I guess during the eight lines of dialouge you can imagine Kureno running and eventually crashing.

"Oh my! An attack on Security Fred's life! I'm going to have to call for backup!" Security Fred gasped.

"I WASN'T ATTACKING YOU! I JUST GOT PUSHED!" Kyo yelled.

"Really, sir, it's all just a big misunderstanding..." Tohru said with a 'MAKE THE PEACE!' expression, holding up her hands.

"Do you know what happens when big misunderstanding slip by? They turn people into SLACKERS!" Security Fred said, whipping out his special police walkie talkie. " Hello? Can you be here in five seconds? GOOD!" Then he put it back up and glared at all of them and pointed. "SLACKERS!"

"How rude! I am not a slacker! I get up bright and early each morning!" Ayame gasped.

"OW!" Screamed Kureno.

"Never fear... OFFICER BENTLEY IS HERE!" Came a sudden booming voice, and in walked everyone's favorite pedestrian patrolman, OFFICER BENTLEY! He took off his motorcycle helmet even though he doesn't wear one and stroke his giant black mustache.

"Officer!" Security Fred said with a salute.

"Fred-san!" Bentley called and chucked a soda can at Security Fred that hit him in the head.

"OW! DAMMIT, BENTLEY!" Fred yelled and tried to pick up the soda can and throw it back at Officer Bentley but fell.

"It might not look like it but those two have been friends since they were kids!" That Buddy Barn Guy confided to everyone.

"HEY!" Yelled Shigure. " Quit taking our scenes! And our lines!"

"Sorry." Officer Bentley chuckled like Officer Bentley. "I just can't help but mess with you Fred-san!"

"That's okay." Security Fred chuckled like Kureno. "I can NEVER stay mad at you for long, Officer!"

"All silliness put aside, Fred-san, what sort of naughty puppies are you dealing with now?" Officer Bentley said in a foolish voice as he put his hands on his hips and stared at the Sohmas.

"These guys are disturbing the peace! And they tried to kill me!" Security Fred said.

"WHAT?! Officer Bentley doesn't take too kindly to that!" Officer Bentley exclaimed. " I'm afraid I'll have to fine you ONE BILLION DOLLARS!" He exclaimed, pointing to Hatori.

"What? Why me?" Hatori asked. Poor man. He hasn't even heard the billion dollars part yet.

"Because you are the tallest person here." Officer Bentley replied as if that made any sense.

Hatori was just about to protest when he realized he WAS the tallest there! Curse his crazy height! And to think, as a child, Hatori had been a late bloomer and also one of those young furlings that measured his height everday with a marker and a ruler. Only to have it all come and bite him in the ass today.

"Even if I am tall, I don't have a billion dollars." Hatori said with a massive headache.

"Well... how much money DO you have?" Officer Bentley asked.

"Sixty dollars and thirty cence." Hatori replied.

"That will do for Officer Bentley." Officer Bentley said and stuck out his hand. For a second Hatori considered erasing his memories and then making a run for it, but come now, REALLY. Hatori isn't some crazy scallywag. He handed over the money like a good sumaritan and at that moment the last bit of happiness died inside of him.

"Now... GET OUT! OUT, I SAY! AND FOR SHAME! ON ALL OF YOU, DISTURBERS OF THE PEACE!" Officer Bentley screamed at all of them. And everyone ran out with their heads hung low except for Kureno who moonwalked out because he CAN.

"I don't know how I can thank you two!" That Buddy Barn Guy said with starry eyes.

"All in a days work for... Security Fred!" Security Fred said proudly.

"And Officer Bentley! Come on, Fred-san. Let's go blow this on Gravitation Manga." Officer Bentley said, slinging an arm around Security Fred's shoulder.

"You ALWAYS have the best ideas." Security Fred said, and they walked into the sunset together, but it was really just the door, but that's okay because there was a sunset outside except it was really just a crazy old carboard sunset so then they hopped onto their crazy motorcycles and drove off just like the Rebels without a Cause. Only not.

OMAKE!

Wow! That took forever! As an aplogy, I'll be answering ALL of your crazy questions! You can blame the lateness on School, Computers breaking Down, and the Rocky Horror Picture Show! My lord, I feel terrible! You may beat me with Fan Appreciation Bat but only if you have baked Carl into a fine paste and sent him to me by airmail.

Kureno: Today, you have the honor of letting the LONE CHICKEN answer your questions!

Person: Why is Kyo capable of being your flunky? Uh... what is a flunky anyway?

Kureno: My flunky is CAPABLE of being my flunky, long-nosed pedestrian, because if he wasn't, how would he be a flunky?

Hayley: Hayley is SURPRISED at how often this question was asked! How can I explain what FLUNKY is? I will use the Theasarus on my computer. Yes-man, flatterer, toady, minion, MAN-SLAVE. Okay, I made up that last one. It's just... he's like IGOR!

Angry Person: Where can you get that "DIE Mabudachi Trio DIE" shirt? I have to burn that place down... And... WHY DO YOU HATE THE MABUDACHI TRIO SO MUCH!?!?!?! WHY DOES EVERYONE CHUCKLE LIKE YOU?!?!?! HOW COULD YOU HATE AYAME?!?!?! HE'S THE BEST! Kinda creepy... BUT THAT'S WHY HE'S THE BEST!

Kureno: I am sorry, cross-eyed citizen, but this shirt was made my the Lone Chicken himself, and it took many, many hours for him to make.

Hayley: Why does everyone chuckle like Kureno? (chuckles like Kureno) Well, I DUNNO, I guess it's just one of those mysteries of life! You probably do it yourself and you don't even realize it! And if you do, be proud! Wear a button that says, ' I Proudly Chuckle like Kureno!'

Naria: Kureno, why do you hate the Lovely Mabudachi Trio so much? Is it because they're gasp O.O PRETTIER O.O than you?! Or do you really have a secret attraction to their sexy bodies? Hm? Oh yes, and here's a threat...if you touch a HAIR on any of their heavenly heads, I will glomp you, strangle you, deep fry you and EAT you! And that's a HUGE threat coming from a pacifist vegetarian...

Kureno: Excuse me! The Lone Chicken is prettier even than Carmeron Diaz! The Lone Chicken can hate who he wants to hate, meddling ferret, be they pretty or the other thing. And the Lone Chicken has NO attraction to them at all!

Hayley: (In Kureno's voice) Except for Hatori!

Kureno: Hmm... (thoughtful look) Now that you mention it...

Hayley: OO Never mind. Next question.

Rachey-chan (sorry! Sorry! Apologizes like Ritsu.):Kureno-san,

Have you ever met "The Funky Chicken, formerly known as Lombardi? I mean, you are both chickens. Kinda... And, tell me the truth, How good is Akito? You must tell me! I must know! My life depends on it! Actually, I'm just very curious.

And, I know why Yuki won't sing! I have heard Aya Hisakawa's voice, and of course, it's beautiful, but she sounds like a girl! Because well, Hisakawa-san is a girl!

Do you think it's Black Haru that knows the secret? Maybe there is another Haru, like Pink Haru! Or Purple Haru! Maybe one of them knows!

I want to know the song title! I want to know the title!

Kureno: I have never met this FUNKY Chicken, hairy-nostrilled one. But I am quite skilled in the dance known as the Funky Chicken. (begins to dance slowly)

Hayley: Of course Yuki won't sing if he sounds like Hisakawa-sama! He doesn't want everyone to know how lubberly he is. He just wants to be regarded as a MAN, but he never will! AHAHAHAHAHA! And also, are you PYSCHIC OR WHAT? I had been planning on releasing different colored Harus from day one, though. DAY ONE!

...the song is by a band named Cranbo. It is a band that Ewan Mcgregor. ( SMOLDERING PIMPLE MAN! FEAR HIS SMOLDERING PIMPLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE IS OBI WAN!) The name of the song is... BOOBIES.

I've said it! I said it! ARGH!

Person: Why is the lone chicken, well, so lone?

Kureno: Good question, stubbly toed one! Well... the Lone Chicken cannot help his nature. If it is my nature to be alone, I will be alone. (chuckles foolishly)

Hayley: KURENO! OH MY GOD! YOU'RE SO DUMB! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STAND IT ANY LONGER!

Kureno: (chuckles)

Hayley: Don't you DARE chuckle one more time...

Kureno: (chuckles)

Hayley: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Person: Why do you call yourself the Lone Chicken even though you're NEVER alone in the Sohma Family?

Kureno: Why, I NEVER! Don't you realize I am ostracized and ridiculed because I am the chicken in the Zodiac!

Hayley: THAT'S KYO! NOT YOU! KYOOOOOOOO!

Oh yeah! And I also got questions that were NOT adressed to Kureno. These questions will go to Bigfoot instead. Be they questions to Hayley, Hagrid or HAMMY THE WONDER HAMSTER, Bigfoot answers all!

Person: Can I be in this story! I REALLY want to meet Yuki and Kyo!

Bigfoot: ARGH! THEY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! YOU SAD! ARGH!

Person: Who do YOU think goes with Tohru? Yuki, Kyo, Shigure, Kisa, Haru, Momiji, Ritsu, Hatori, or Akito?!

Bigfoot: BIGFOOT want to go with Tohru! But it never happen! BIGFOOT CRY! (runs off sobbing)

Hayley: My PERSONAL opinion is Kyonkichi. Yuki would be second. And I randomly think Ritsu and Tohru would be cute. As for everyone else... going by your list, Child molester, lesbian child molester, I SERIOUSLY doubt it, Maybe, in some CRAZY world, Child Molester, and Crazy pyscho freak.

Well! That took a whole month! And we still have SO many things to do! Okay... actually only like five chapters left but oh well! Next time, join us at IHOP! THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANDAS!

Haru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hayley: Ha-kun? Just kidding. It's pancakes...

Ja!