March 14, 2020

Adam rolled over, his arm falling on Joan's side of the bed. It was empty, but in the past three months since their daughter Hannah had been born, that was often the case. He smiled and relaxed into the mattress, letting sleep reclaim him, when he realized the spot was cold. Frowning, Adam squinted at the clock. It was almost three in the morning. Hannah had awakened over an hour and a half ago. Sighing, he shoved the covers aside and got out of bed.

He stopped at Simon's room first. The toddler was fast asleep. He could sleep through just about anything. Smiling fondly at his son, Adam closed the door and headed toward Hannah's room. As he suspected, Joan sat in the rocking chair he'd bought after she'd told him she was pregnant with Simon, Hannah sleeping peacefully in her arms.

For a moment, Adam reclined in the doorway watching Joan hum quietly as she caressed their daughter's face. He couldn't help appreciating the sight. Joan had been unhappy throughout the pregnancy. She never seemed to resent the baby itself, just the fact that she was pregnant again. Adam hadn't mentioned it, but he'd been worried about both Joan and the baby, afraid that Joan's indifference toward the pregnancy would translate to the baby once it was born. But the moment the nurse placed Hannah in her arms, Joan fell hopelessly in love. The scene before him now was a sight that had become increasingly familiar in the three months since Hannah was born.

A little reluctant to end it, Adam went to Joan's side and stroked his hand over her hair. "Hey."

"Hey," she whispered back without looking away from their daughter.

"You've been sitting here a long time."

"I know. She's just so beautiful."

Adam smiled and looked down at Hannah. "Just like her mother," he agreed. "But you're supposed to sleep when she sleeps. You know that."

Joan pouted.

He grinned. "Does that mean I can take her?"

"I guess."

Adam gently lifted Hannah in his arms, kissed her tiny forehead and placed her in the crib. Then he crouched in front of his wife and took her hands in his. "Jane, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you come in here every night when she cries and stay for hours just looking at her," he said. "You spend all day with her, so what's going on?"

Joan opened and closed her mouth a few times, clearly at a loss for words. Finally, she said, "She's my little girl."

Adam stood, tugging lightly on her hands. "Come on."

"But . . ." She wilted at the unyielding look he gave her. "Fine," she said, rising out of the chair and allowing him to lead her out of the room.

"You know," he said as he closed the door behind them and headed down the hall, "I'm a little hurt you'd rather stare at Hannah all night than sleep with me."

"You are not," she chuckled.

"Aren't I?" he asked as they got in bed.

Wrapping an arm around his waist, Joan laid her head on his shoulder and pressed into the curve of his body, laughter still thrumming through her body. "You know perfectly well that isn't true."

"Good." He hugged her to him and kissed the top of her head. "I love you, Jane."

Joan yawned and tucked herself deeper in his arms. "I love you, too, sweetie."

April 3, 2020

My darling Jane,

We've made it through another year. It's been difficult, seeing you so unhappy, knowing that I helped put the pain in your eyes. I worried that your unhappiness would become permanent dissatisfaction. You don't know how glad I am that it has passed. Seeing you laugh and smile again centers me. Watching you with Hannah and seeing the almost giddy delight on your face when you're with her brings me more joy than I imagined possible.

Sometimes, I have to take a moment to absorb just what we've accomplished. You and I have created a home full of love and creativity and happiness and, despite having a new addition to our family, life is beginning to settle down. No matter how hectic the world gets or how turned around things are with the kids, you continue to be my safe haven. I continue to try to be yours.

I wish I knew the words to express just how much you mean to me. Of course, that would mean understanding the depth of my love myself, and the truth is that it's beyond my comprehension. I'd thought that I knew my heart's strength and capacity to love when we got married. Now that we have Simon and Hannah, I'm discovering that my ability to love you, all of you, knows no bounds. It's bewildering and all-consuming and the most wonderful feeling I've ever known. Happy anniversary, my love.

Forever Yours,

Adam