Title: Harry Potter and the Invasion of the 'Sues

Author: Ouvalyrin

Warnings: Mild profanity, some violence in later chapters, OCs and Mary Sues.

Word Count: 2,442

A/N: I believe that canon, while important and worthy of our respect, is not a religion. So...OotP never happened. Sirius is not dead. He's very much alive, probably pretty smelly, and running around being a dog. However, Ron and Hermione are still prefects, because Dumbledore would probably have made them that even if OotP never happened. Harry does not speak LIKE -- THIS (that much). He is not as resentful as he was, and he doesn't lash out at his friends.

(I tried working OotP into this, but couldn't, simply because OotP was pretty dark and this is meant to be a light-hearted story. Slightly gruesome, because Mary Sue torture is the best, but for the most part, light-hearted. And having Harry drag down the entire story with Ron and Hermione tiptoeing around him would be just...heavy-hearted.)

Chapter One

The Very Beautiful Cat Riddle, Who Is Also Very Beautiful

Cathy Katherine Greenleaf Malfoy Snape Riddle, also known as Cat, stared about herself in wonder, school books clutched tightly to her prominent (and stuffed) breasts and took a deep breath, closing jewel-red eyes. It was her first day at Hogwarts and she was so nervous. She hoped that she would make friends with the other witches and wizards quickly. She didn't want to be -- shudder in horror at the thought -- unpopular.

She blushed slightly at the thought of her cousin, Draco Malfoy. Sure, he was her cousin, but he was so handsome and blonde and he'd been really nice to her, nicer than he was to everyone else, so he had to be in love with her or something, right? And since they were both purebloods -- though Cat didn't mind Muggle-borns all that much, actually -- and wanted to keep their bloodlines pure, it wasn't like her father would forbid the match.

(Malfoy had actually given her a coolly appraising glance, a scathing remark about her name that she'd interpreted as a weird kind of compliment, and ignored her for the most part. One had to give...Cat some credit: He had been nicer to her than he was to...oh, say...the one and only Harry Potter.)

Cat also hoped that no one would hate her because of her eyes. They were because of her father, Tom Riddle, who was really a misunderstood but very ambitious man. He had met her mother in a bar, fallen in love at first sight, and swept her off into a whirlwind romance. Unfortunately, Dumbledore and the rest of those poopyheads made up a bunch of lies about how evil her father was and how he wanted to take over the world or something -- Cat wasn't too clear on the details -- so her father had to change his name to Voldemort and run. A single tear (1) rolled down her face before splashing on the ground.

Aside from her eyes, Cat bore very little resemblance to her father after he got his plastic surgery so people wouldn't recognize him. Her hair was long and black, falling to the ground in a straight sheet of obsidian. Sometimes, she became blonde and her hair wavy, but that was because of the Veela blood in her mother's side of the family, the Malfoys. Because she was only half Veela, she didn't sprout claws, fangs, or wings, though if she was certain that if she the last one did happen, they would be feathery, white and soft to touch. Whenever she did get mad, though, not only did her hair turn blonde, but her eyes flashed to a blue-green strongly reminiscent of the ocean. The Malfoy genes had done more than just make her half Veela, however; her skin was pure white (2), like snow.

She was only sixteen, but her body resembled that of a Playboy star's -- uh, a very healthy and developed twenty-three year old's. Cat subscribed to the theory of "If you've got it, you might as well flaunt it," and had made the proper uniform adjustments.

She wore the same uniform as everyone else -- she didn't want to stand out too much, or else she might be ostracized -- but the robes were considerably shorter. Any shorter, and they'd be nonexistent, actually, but that was okay, because underneath she was wearing her Abercrombie skirt (so short she couldn't bend down without flashing someone) and a tight leopard-print bikini top. People had called her a slut, but that was because they were just jealous that they weren't nearly as beautiful as she was.

Cat sniffed a little to herself, tossing her hair over one shoulder; an amazing feat of strength. It fell around her body like a shroud.

She looked around, returning to reality, where people were running about, saying their good-byes, and students were boarding the Hogwarts Express. Cat grabbed her trunk in one hand, because not only in addition to being beautiful, she was super-strong. Her cat -- who could transform into an owl if she needed one -- Neko-chan (3), who she'd gotten in Japan because it was such an awesome country with all their manga and anime and video games, jumped onto her shoulder, rubbing its pure white head against her chin.

"You're a good kitty-cat," she remarked inanely. Despite being very beautiful, she was very lonely, because of her beauty. Girls were too jealous of her and guys always wanted to have sex with her. She had so few friends. Cat sniffled, feeling a few sobs coming on. Bravely, she swallowed them.

"Chin up," she whispered to herself, remembering her dearly departed mother's words. "I can't possibly make any friends if I'm crying."

- - -

This was all very, very odd, Harry decided. He hadn't been able to find an empty compartment -- or even a half-filled one. Ron and Hermione were with the other prefects -- including Malfoy, Harry thought with a sneer -- but had promised to join him as soon as possible.

At the very end of the train -- it was always at the very end, why didn't he just look there first and save himself some trouble? -- there was a compartment with no one else in there.

Well. Almost no one.

A boy was sitting in the corner, eyes closed as if sleeping. Harry cleared his throat, a little unsure.

"Erm, excuse me? Can I sit here?"

The boy opened his eyes, an appraising look in his eyes. He looked Harry up and down, then shrugged and gestured towards the seats. "Feel free," he grunted.

A few minutes later, Ron and Hermione arrived, saving Harry from some rather awkward silences, though he thought maybe he would have liked the quiet.

"There you are," Ron said, plopping himself in the seat besides Harry. "How the hell do you move so bloody fast?"

Harry shot him a quizzical look. "Erm...what do you mean?" What was Ron talking about?

"Ron's right, Harry," Hermione said, sitting down across from him -- and nearer to the strange boy than one would've thought. "It was odd. I'm sure we checked this compartment before, and no one was here."

"I probably hadn't arrived yet," Harry said. "And...Hermione? Is that a nose ring?"

She ignored the last part of his statement, saying, "If you say so, Harry."

It was then that Ron noticed the fourth person. "Hey -- Vincent! Nice to see you again, mate."

"You know him?" Harry muttered. "Creepy guy, if you ask me."

"Pretty decent, though really quiet. Stayed with us during the summer, then split when we went to Diagon Alley. Think he took a room in the Leaky Cauldron," Ron whispered back. Then, louder, "This is Harry Potter and she's Hermione Granger."

"Nice to meet you," Harry said, wondering why there was no "Oh Em Gee! You're the Harry Potter! Can I have your autograph?" (Not that he particularly wanted that, but it had become pretty standard by now.)

"Same here," Hermione said, staring at Vincent quizzically. "Sorry, but I don't think I've seen you around before." Harry waited, having wondered about that himself.

It was Ron who had the answer. "He's a transfer student."

"Oh -- the exchange student program, right?" Harry said, feeling stupid. Why hadn't he figured it out before?

"Where're you from?" Hermione asked, her eyes gleaming. Harry and Ron exchanged grinning glances; poor bloke. He didn't stand a chance.

"America."

"What's it like?" Harry asked curiously. "We have a few students who were born there, but they don't remember a whole lot about the place."

Vincent opened his eyes, thinking for a moment. "Overcrowded," he finally said. There was some kind of...sneer to his voice, Harry thought. What did he mean by that?

The door burst open. Hands flew to their wands, ready to fire a spell. Mad-Eye -- or Crouch, as it had turned out to be -- really had driven his lesson of CONSTANT VIGILANCE (!!) into his students.

That, and the entire Triwizard Tournament had left everybody more than a little paranoid.

- - -

Cat had spent considerable time dithering in front of the compartment door where she knew Harry Potter was. She would have looked rather idiotic, if not for the fact that she was so beautiful. Twelve people had come up to her and asked her out. She had had to turn them down though, but she hoped that they realized it hurt her more than it hurt them.

She had heard stories about Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Lived, many from her cousin, Draco. Or, as she referred to him in her secret diary, Drakie-poo. (One day, she would finally be able to call him that, and he would take her gently in his arms and tell her how much he loved her, and write her a poem on the color of her blood red eyes that shone like rubies...) Drakie-poo -- er, Draco, had not seemed to like this Harry Potter very much, ranting about him and throwing manly fits of passion (because, of course, he was way too "hawt" to throw temper tantrums).

But that had to be the natural Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry, right? Harry Potter couldn't be that bad...even if he had half-killed her beloved father when he was a baby. But he hadn't really known what he was doing, because, well, he'd been a baby. Not at all like her, who had been able to control her wandless magic since birth. And Dumbledork and those meanies in that stupid Order of the Big Flamey Bird Whose Name She Couldn't Remember had probably fed Harry Potter a bunch of lies about how eeevil her father really was and how he'd tried to kill James and Lily Potter, not convince them of his innocence in whatever crimes he'd allegedly perpetrated.

Cat squared her shoulders. It was up to her, Cathy Katherine Greenleaf Malfoy Snape Riddle, the Veela, dragon, human, elf, and fairy princess to make Harry Potter see the Light! (4) And if he happened to fall in love with her along the way... Her heart belonged to Draco Malfoy! She would never love Harry Potter!

But she had to make a dramatic entrance, or else he might dismiss her as a beautiful, but ordinary Hogwarts student and completely ignore her! Which would be, in case anybody missed the point, completely horrible. A travesty of nature!

She blew open the door with a blast of her wandless magic.

And completely forgot about Harry Potter.

"You must be my soul mate!" she cried, her eyes wide and wondering. Never before had she seen such beauty! He had long hair, just like the totally hawt guys in anime! It wasn't as long as Duo's or Kurama's, and his face wasn't pretty like a bishounen's, but he was hawt all the same!

Her soul mate stared at her like she'd gone nutters.

"Er...miss? You all right?" the funny-looking boy with really ugly, round glasses said.

Cat could feel her heart thudding in her chest most becomingly as she panted and heaved dramatically, though there was no real reason for it to be. Much to her surprise, and slight dismay, the totally hawtt (!!111) boy with the brown eyes -- her favorite color! -- didn't bother to stare, or notice the very low neckline of her robe and the hints of her leopard-print bikini top peeking out.

She turned around and pulled out a compact, making sure there was no zit or pimple marring the lovely visage of her face that would make her unattractive to the opposite sex. Nothing. Her skin was as clean and fresh as it always was.

What could it be, then? Everyone loved her, except for those stupid girls who were really jealous of her beauty!

Very well, then. If her soul mate wasn't interested -- meaning he was playing hard to get; how cute! -- then she'd have to switch tactics.

"Oh -- !" she cried, fluttering her lashes and placing one hand on a strategic spot on her chest. "Forgive me, kind sirs..."

Were they laughing at her?

Cat burst into tears (she'd been planning to, but did it now just to guilt trip them all into stopping by her dorm room (5) to apologize) and ran from the compartment.

Vincent raised his eyebrows. "Nice girl," he said.

- - -

This was all very, very weird.

The impossibly beautiful girl with the -- Harry blushed at this -- almost nonexistent uniform had rushed in, swooned over Vincent -- who he supposed was rather good-looking, now that he thought about it -- then ran out after Ron and he had stifled snickers at the "kind sirs" part in tears.

Vincent, at least, seemed to be in a considerably better mood now, talking a bit more with Ron, and answering Hermione's questions about what life was like in America.

Harry studied Vincent carefully. Brown eyes, longish blonde hair, and a scornful kind of air that made him A bit like Snape, only without the greasy hair, hooked nose, sallow skin, skull-like eyes, and way of looking down on people. (6)

"We'd better start changing," Ron said. "Right." Nobody moved.

"Er...Hermione?"

"Oh! Sorry!"

Hermione left quickly, blushing and muttering something that sounded like, "I don't know what's come over me."

Harry saw Vincent looking sharply at her, though the glance was so fleeting and quick it couldn't have been anything good. Under his breath -- Harry had to really listen to hear this -- it seemed like he had said, "Damn Sues."

That couldn't be right. What did Vincent have against people named "Sue"?

- - -

1. The dreaded appearance of the "single teardrop." Gasp in horror at the cliché.

2. Isn't every Sue's skin "pure white"? She wouldn't be a 'Sue if her skin wasn't. Unfortunately.

3. Sorry, Neko-chan. ::sweat drop:: That's not an insult, it's just...a very scary thing. Means "cat" in Japanese.

4. That...must have been one hell of a wedding night. Ew.

5. Never mind the fact that boys can't go in the girls' dorm, but in many Suethors' fics, sneak in there at midnight and have sex with the 'Sue.

6. This is not a Snape-bashing fic. I have too much respect for his character to make him hot and beautiful so everyone can instantly fall in love with him.

- - -

Hermione will be 'Sued later on, sadly. Once this...Cat person has been gotten rid of, that is. But...she will be rescued and restored back in the lands of canon and in-characterness.

Review?

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