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Disclaimer: It's official, I now own the Black Jewels Trilogy. So, cough, ahem, I own all of the below.
(not really…please don't sue me.)
Cue Survivor theme music. Cue the bodiless voice: "Welcome to Survivor, where the contestants have to out-jewel, out-annoy, and out-last one another. Last time on Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy style, we were introduced to the two sides, the Light Side and the Shadow Side."
The show then falls into clips from the previous two episodes. Presently…
The Light Camp
The camera zooms in on Kartane, whose currently hiding from his mother in the bushes. Nervous and sweating, he's trying to whisper inconspicuously.
"I don't want to be here. Let me go home." The camera people shake theirs heads swiftly. "Dorothea's going to use me, I know she will. I wish I had Robert." The camera people start snickering. Shaking the camera, Kartane begins to yell. "I'M SERIOUS. SHE'S A PSYCHO WHORE."
Parting the bushes behind him just then is none other than Dorothea and Hekatah, eyebrows arched evilly.
The camera then settles on Alexandra, Phillip and Leland, all seated around the would-be fire. Night was approaching fast and nothing was getting done.
Squinting her eyes, Alexandra eyes the camera. "What are we playing for? I mean, is there a prize?" The camera people shake their head; all three of them sigh.
"So," Phillip says, "Our only, um, purpose is to see who can put up with torture for several weeks the longest?" The camera people nod. Sighing, Phillip walks over to the bushes to cry with Kartane. Just then, however, Kartane comes running out of the bushes, shortly followed by Dorothea and Hekatah, all screaming.
Greer then walks on screen holding a popsicle, wondering what the hell is going on. A moment of silence elapses as everyone's eyes fall upon the popsicle. In the next moment, everyone tackles Greer and a large fight commences. Hekatah walks away with half of the popsicle intact, blowing her hair out of her face, mangled with leaves as it is. As everyone untangles themselves from the pile, all scratched up and wounded, they limp away to their own groups, throwing dirty looks at Hekatah in the process.
Zoom in on Greer.
"That whore has my popsicle."
Zoom in on Alexandra, Phillip, and Leland.
"That whore got the popsicle."
Phillip mutters. "The orange flavored popsicle."
"Honestly, Phillip, just because you don't like orange flavored popsicles don't go shitting on my parade," Leland hisses, walking off to go and find a spider to slip into Phillip's bed that night.
Zoom in on Dorothea and Hekatah.
"Damn it. It's an orange flavored popsicle."
Throws the popsicle in the bushes.
Zoom in on Kartane, crying in the bushes.
"Robert always loved orange flavored popsicles- Ow!"
Picks up the popsicle thrown at his head. Pounces off to go and find a spider to slip into Hekatah's bed.
15 minutes later.
All are gathered in a circle, 10 minutes from dusk.
Dorothea is seated under a little hut she constructed, sitting, in fact, on top of Kartane. Kartane, meanwhile, mutters about his cruel treatment. Hekatah is filing her nails on a little throne she made, being served grapes by Greer meanwhile.
"Right," she mutters. "Me and Dorothea had a meeting and decided that we should be the leaders."
The remaining three glare evilly at them, but are unable to challenge them.
Right about now, the show adds in the voices of the contestants talking about what they're thinking at the moment:
Dorothea-I wonder if I could poison Hekatah and then become the sole ruler. But how? I could use the poisonous spider I was going to slip in Alexandra's bed, but then I'd still be stuck with pain-in-the ass one. And we wouldn't out number them anymore…
Hekatah- I wonder if I could get Greer to seduce Kartane to my side. Then we could kill off Dorothea and I could become sole leader.
Kartane- Is that Greer winking at me? Oh yes, I still got it.
Greer- Dust in my contact lens. Must-blink-away-the-pain. Hey, is that Kartane winking at me?
Alexandra- I wonder if Dorothea knows that I slipped her poisonous spider in her bed.
Leland- Where the hell are all the spiders on this island? Hell's fire, is that Kartane winking at Greer?
Phillip- I wonder if Alexandra knows that I slipped the spider she slipped in Dorothea's in her bed instead.
"Right," say Hekatah finally. "You three go and get firewood; we'll decorate the team flag."
Rolling their eyes, Alexandra, Leland and Phillip get up.
Grumbling under her breath, Alexandra jabs a finger in their direction. "Sure you guys can handle arts and crafts hour?"
Hekatah starts mimicking her while Dorothea rolls her eyes. Greer starts eyeing the bushes, intent on looking for that popsicle the instant Hekatah looks away. Kartane, however, is the only one that appears happy. Sitting up suddenly, he knocks Dorothea into the bushes.
"Arts and Crafts?! They have that here? Lemme tell you, I have some mean finger painting skills. Robert taught me." Moment of silence.
Greer's eyebrows arch up. " 'Finger painting', eh?"
Dorothea sits up, with a giant black spider in her hair.
Leland dances in place. "Finally a spider."
Dorothea stands up quickly. "A spider? Where?"
Phillip crosses his arms, eyeing Dorothea. "I'd hate to point out the obvious, but spiders are native to islands of a tropical nature."
Dorothea runs around quickly trying to get the spider out. Hekatah stands up eyeing Phillip, speaking in a sarcastic tone. "What other islands are there besides tropical?"
Greer, who zoned out for a moment, suddenly narrows his eyes on them. "What about popsicles?"
"Tropical!" Both Hekatah and Phillip yell, before eyeing each other with mild smirks. Alexandra rolls her eyes and takes Leland with her to get firewood. Dorothea runs down to the pool of water to jump in. Kartane and Greer are sitting rather…er…close together making a team banner. And Philip and Hekatah are off in the bushes having a "meeting."
The Shadow Camp
Titian sits on a large rock, sharpening her rather large knives. Surreal and Falonar finally return from collecting firewood. Karla walks on screen with a pitcher of water. Lucivar begins to prepare the rabbits he caught for dinner, and Jaenelle and Daemon are putting the finishing touches on the hut they built for them all.
Yes, the perfection is enough to make you sick.
Luckily, the producers thought up a plan quickly, and it slowly begins to snow on their side of the mountain.
Surreal looks up, holding her hands out, eyeing the snow suspiciously. "I thought this was a tropical island?"
Lucivar looks up form his work over at her. "What about popsicles?"
"Popsicles!" Karla heads shoots up. "I would kill for an orange flavored popsicle."
At the word 'kill', Titian looks up threateningly for a moment before returning to her work. The remaining six eye each other warily.
As soon as the snow accumulates to several inches, the team splits up (minus Titian) and starts a snowball fight. Sighing, the producer give up on this side of the island.
The Challenge
Saetan stands on the shores of the island, looking up at the mountain where the two teams were at. He was still ticked off at his wardrobe and hadn't had a very good day yesterday. Someone stole his orange flavored popsicles last night. On the plus side, he hadn't seen as many spiders as he expected to see.
It was still early in the morning, and both teams dragged their feet on the way down to the beach. Several the 'dumb' ones-as Saetan called them-were yawning, while the 'psycho' ones were rather alert and were perhaps carrying rather sharp weapons. The remainder appeared content, with the exception that they appeared to be plotting against their fellow contestants.
"Okay, guys, the first challenge is very simple. Four people from each team remain here with me. The remaining three will go down to the other end of the beach, one half mile away. Each contestant will run to the other side of the beach. On each end, there will be a challenge to complete. Once complete, the next person may go."
They all eyed him suspiciously. "So, uh, what's the catch?"
Saetan smiled gently, eyeing Hekatah specifically. They all shuddered. Fifteen minutes and one crying Kartane later, the players were set up. Saetan sat in his lawn chain, holding a glass of yarbarah, waiting to begin. Finally, some revenge. Not really good, painful revenge, but it would be a start. Signaling the game to start, the first two players started to run: Lucivar and Kartane. Lucivar, of course, beat Kartane to the other end. Once there, he was informed that his challenge was to pick from a trunk of clothes an outfit that matched and then he had to model it.
Lucivar, and the rest of the team groaned; Lucivar was horrible with fashion. Unable to receive help, he rummaged through the trunk, pulling out various clothes. When he finally put them on, Kartane finally finished reading the challenge. However, he actually seemed pleased, and well, um, rather giddy at the idea. Pouncing over to the trunk, he pulled out quite a lovely pink outfit. Lucivar came out from behind the screen where he could get dressed, and faced his teammates, who immediately fell over laughing. Sporting a rather lovely purple plaid skirt and high heels, he lagged in his stripped blue shirt. "What? I thought purple and blue matched?"
With the help of binoculars, Saetan was already rolling on the ground laughing hysterically.
Kartane came out from behind the screen in the pink outfit he selected, together with matching heels and hand bag. His teammates were a cross between sighing and being thankful. Passing the challenge, the next contestant from the Light Team took off: Dorothea. She reached the end before Lucivar finally pulled off a somewhat matching outfit. After him, Titian took off, moving fast and catching up just as Dorothea finished reading the challenge: to build a replica of the mountain out of toothpicks. Both contestants eyed the stack of toothpicks. After a nasty cat fight with quite a bit of slapping, Titian walked away with most of the glue and tooth picks. After several minutes of cussing and failures, they both pulled off half-decent mountain replicas.
The next contestants took off: Hekatah and Jaenelle. They reached the end at the same time, reading the challenge together: talk to kindred. "OH 'CRAP'!" Heketah hissed, narrowing her gaze at a waving Saetan in the distance. Jaenelle selected one of the blood puppies present and started talking to it, though it wasn't very obvious. Challenge, completed, Karla took off. Hekatah started thinking slyly to herself. She just had to appear to talk to an animal. Selecting one of the puppies provided, she pretended to half a mental conversation with it-which is actually harder than it sounds. Standing up, she forced a smile "Done." The camera people shake their head.
"What? You can't say I didn't." Looking at one another, the camera people hold up signs reading, "You selected a non-blood puppy."
Hissing, Hekatah stamped her foot, muttering under her breath as she grabbed the puppy Jaenelle talked to. Rolling their eyes, the camera people finally let the next Light contestant go: Greer. Greer reached the other end with speed much better than Karla's. Karla, however, had already started the challenge: eating 10 orange flavored popsicles.
"Yes!" Greer says, not bothering to sit down while he started eating. Karla, already done with six, wasn't too worried, but as time drew on, he appeared to be catching up considerably. Finishing at the same time, the next contestants took off: Surreal and Leland. Thinking that this would be a piece of cake, Surreal reads off the challenge before Leland is able to catch up.
"Oh, you gotta be shitting me," Surreal says groaning. Who the hell thought up making fork-naming a challenge? Looking down at the seven works set out, she sighed, trying to remember the name of every fork. Hell's fire, she wasn't aristo. Leland, when she finally caught up, named off the forks with no hesitation. Phillip then took off, running pretty fast. Cheating and listening to what Leland said, Surreal finally completed her challenge, and Falonar took off. Phillip had already started the challenge: cleaning an Eyrien war blade properly. At first confused, Phillip managed to pull off a half-ass decent cleaning job, and Alexandra took off. Falonar quickly completed the task, but wasn't fast enough to catch up completely. Once the challenge was completed, Daemon took off.
The challenge: Naming off the territories of Kaeleer. By the time Daemon reached the end, Alexandra was practically finished. By the time he was half way through, she was done. Hissing that he had been cheated with such a simple challenge, he went off to have a Warlord-Prince sulk.
Saetan finally goes down to greet them, but stays at a far distant to avoid any possible flying objects.
"Congratulations, Light Team," he says sighing, wondering how the Shadow Team was able to lose. "I'll see the Shadow team at the Tribal meeting tonight."
Cue Survivor theme music.
Next time on Survivor:
Who will go home?
How do the contestants cope with the decision?
Be sure to vote and tune in next time.