Mary-Sues, a Textbook

By Ian Daley (not the author's real name,

or even one of his favorite pseudonyms)

Disclaimer: Much of this section was written while in some bizarre mental state that resulted from eating Cheddar and Sour Cream Potato Chips and beef bits and then listening to 'I Want You (She's So Heavy)' for two hours straight. If it seems odd, I apologize. If not, then ignore the previous two sentences. I also apologize for a lack of humor or knowledge in this chapter; I admit to be completely ignorant on the subject of psychology, but I know enough to write what I see.

A Note From The Teacher: I'm highly disappointed that no one bothered to do the progress self check section. If any of you have even attended public school, than you should know that 'not compulsory' means 'we aren't going to say you need to do it, but if you don't we'll fail you'. Ponder this.

Section 2: Sue Physiological Features:

Now that students can, no doubt, identify the physical traits of a Mary-sue, it is necessary to interject a statement that many anti-sue zealots fail to understand.

Just because a character is extraordinarily, even unbelievably beautiful, this does not mean that she or he is a Mary-sue.

There are many aspects to a Mary-sue, and not all of them are physical. The reason that physical perfection is one of the most-often cited complaints is simply because many authors that fall into the trap of writing Sues cannot write with enough depth to give their vast numbers of critics anything more to poke at. Yet every creature, even the worms that are essentially a tube with a diminutive nervous system, has a psychology which is essential to understanding the creature.

Now this basic need for understanding, and the subsequent lack of capacity to do this on the part of everyone else, is the basis for every single problem on earth, including capitalism, communism, celebrity-stalking magazines and words like 'synergy'. Perhaps if we can understand the Mary-sues if, in fact, we can 'grok' themi, we can stop them. But that will no doubt never happen, so this author says 'pish tosh, let's settle for mocking them wholeheartedly'. Without further philosophical meanderingii, we shall move on to the psychological aspects of Mary-sues.

Insecurities:

Many sues (and by sues, read 'authors', because many sues are self-inserts) suffer from a psychological complex that no doubt has some lengthy, impressive name, but this author could not care less. In short, this deep rooted complex causes the sues to have a deep, abiding need to be the best at everything, so there is no way that when another, hated, character says something fantastically witty, such as 'you suck rocks', the sue can throw her amber locks back and laugh uproariously.iii This stems from insecurities that the sue has about being rejected by those whose company she so feverishly seeks.

Compensatory Factor:

Now, the compensatory factor is a completely normal part of humanity. It can be seen in blind people, who have wonderful hearing to compensate for their lack of vision, and in the mentally handicapped, who are much happier than the so-called 'normal' people.iv

However, in sues, this natural factor is blown completely out of proportion. The authors, raised in America's public schools, are so afraid that their characters having a even a minor flaw will be a sign of weakness and will be exploited. But they know the vast horde of angry purist fanatics is standing by waiting to write scathing reviews, so they realize they should add flaws.

Enter the compensatory factor. The sue may have a fairly normal flaw, such as 'she tends to losev her temper'. This is good, but it will have a compensation along the lines of 'but it only happens when the other person is evil and when she's not angry she can make animals die of kindness overload'.

And then there are the strange, disturbing, or just plain stupid flaws like 'she's blind'. That in itself is not a stupid flaw, but the sues never seem to be bothered by it, it's like they have blinking sonar or some such device, or, as in one story that was found in this research, 'can see with their heart'.

To conclude, compensation is acceptable, but do attempt to keep it within the bounds of reason.

Angst! Angst! So good they named it angst!:

Angst. It is such a dirty word, filthier even than the known whores 'firm' and 'poppycock'. It can be done well, but it is a rare occasion. Most often, sue-angst can be recognized by the following properties:

The character is alone in a room and begins to rant.

The character has their best friend in a room and begins to rant.

The topic of what the character is talking about seems to wander and encompass everything from family to disease.

The equation (A CLmin) where A is angst, C is complaints and L is lines elapsed from beginning of spoken part. If A is greater than 25, than there is full-fledged 'wangst' going on, and the nearest bombshelter should be sought out.

The angst theme could be continued for a great deal of time, but that has already been tackled by a number of essayists far more talented than this author. Also, it was stated earlier that many sues have very little by the way of psyche, so this chapter should be viewed as an aside on our journey to understanding the Mary-sue.

Progress Self Check:

This section is not compulsory winkwink, but all those who participate will be honored, possibly by receiving virtual cake or some such tomfoolery.

Extrapolation:

1.)In your own words, explain what you think angst is and what place it has in fiction. (15 pts)

2.) List all the naturally occurring compensations you can think of. There is a minimum of two. None of those used in the text may be used. (4 pts)

3.) Who is the walrus?vi (1pt)

I apologize for this chapter. Please don't hurt me.

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i Pardon me, Non-Heinlein fans, this word fits quite well for the concept I am trying to get across, but only ever appears in the book 'Stranger In A Strange Land'. Essentially it is a Martian concept which means to completely understand something until you are it, and it is you and you can sympathize with the something's point of view. And then you can force it to die. (the Martians aren't so different from us, really)

ii Damn you to whatever hell you believe in Frank Herbert for infecting me!

iii You know, if you actually did your homework, you would recognize the irony.

iv I would hate them for being happier than me, but I've tried and it only makes me feel worse.

v My pet peeve is when people spell 'lose' as 'loose' when they talk about not winning, misplacing something, not having something any more, or other such applications of the word lose. Stop doing it or I will hit you with a brick and you will lose many brain cells.

vi Yes, there will be a theme of Beatles based questions. Don't even bother to try and answer this one. The only one who knew was John Lennon, and he's dead.