The Ballad of Are You Taking Notes Boy?
When I was
but a little Hobbit-lad,
I used to listen at my Gaffer's
knee.
Oh, long and rambling were the things he said;
But this
is the advice he gave to me…
Chorus:
Don't
take no imitation mithril, son;
Don't trip and fall on any
Morgul-blades;
When wearing rings, be sure there's more than
One;
Don't join in any Uruk-hai parades.
Don't answer
wizards knocking at the door;
The flaming Balrog you should never
taunt;
Don't pick up jewelry lying on the floor;
And never
walk behind an oliphaunt.
To that I'd
add: What goes up must descend;
Don't volunteer for any
hare-brained quests;
Those Elves will sing for hours and hours on
end,
And Dwarves make really lousy dinner-guests.
Chorus
I've also
learned that noble Gondor chaps
Are oftentimes more trouble than
they're worth:
Just pencil in your route on any maps;
You'll
take the 'scenic tour' of Middle-Earth.
Chorus
Don't split
your group, that tactic is a dud;
And don't be lulled when
someone says there's hope;
If other guys get forests, you'll
get mud;
If other guys get daggers, you'll get rope.
Chorus
Some Orc-blood
stains come out with ginger ale;
Don't stare at glowing
swords--you'll hurt your eyes;
And lembas is disgusting when
it's stale;
Spiders are bigger than you realize.
Chorus
Don't pull
off any asinine rescue stunts;
All sausages go well with mushroom
sauce;
Don't fraternize with scrawny little runts,
And stay
away from lava at all costs.
Chorus
Oh, how I wish
I were a-bed at home
Instead of slogging through these wilds so
grim--
I'd stow my walking-stick and never roam!
And should
some lad get fresh, I'd say to him…
Don't take no imitation mithril, son, etc.
Repeat until collapse