Author: lvingphai
Summary: What in the mind of Alexander and Hephaistion in the last minute of their life.
Paring: Alexander / Hephaisiton
Warning: very mind and sadHephaistion: at the end
In the night at Ecbatana, I'm lying alone, waiting for him to come, to touch and to heal all my pain and suffering. The great King, my Alexander, is the only person who can pull me back from a cold, darkness of Hades. Please come to me my love, I will be waiting for you always, in this earth or the next, I'll be waiting for you…Alexander…..my great King… my great General… my great Love….
How many hours? How many minutes? How many more I be able to bare this cold, agony, suffering. I'm waiting for you, my love. You told me in the night of the great Babylon city that "I (Alexander) will be with you (Hephaistion) always till the end". But, where are you now? Where are you when I will be gone to another unknown place, a place that you cannot reach, a place that I cannot feel your touch, a place that I cannot see your smile and hear my be loving voice called me "Phai" "Patroclus" "my beloved Hephaistion"
How long I'd been waiting for you?
How long I'll be waiting for you?
Am I afraid? Am I frightened to go to that place alone? without you… by my side. How courage do I hold to leave my feeble body and pace into the unknown world with out you..my love.. my Alexander..
Am I, a General of the great King Alexander, afraid of dying? Am I, a Vizier of the king of Macedonian and the King of Asia, afraid of renouncing the great empire you and I and the fierce Macedonian army fought for? Am I afraid of leaving all wealth and power you lay in my hand… No! my love..none of all… But I am afraid, I am terrified. of leaving you, Alexander, here, alone , in the world that you bleed for. I'm afraid that what'll happen to you if I leave you behind. How much pain it will cause to my beloved Alexander to live and flourish in this world without me. Please Zeus.. I beg you… please… if you demand to take me to the Hades. By all the good things I did in my short life, which deserve some rewarding from you, please prize me none but reward my beloved Alexander all, to ease his pain, to grant him a prosperous life without me.
Please Zeus…bring me to the next as you demand and let him live. If you demand to take me now and put him in grief for not sharing our last minute in this world. Please by the power of you, Zeus. Please tell him that I'll be always waiting for him at the end. Please tell my beloved Alexander to not condemn himself to the darkness for me. Please relief his grief and let him succeed his dream (our dream) to conquer the world ... the dream empire …that he love more than anything (more than me).
Alexander: at the endHow strange to see my life in a flash. All the blissful, victory, glorious moment in life had past. And how the sadness, pain, heartbreaking pace in. All my life, I regret nothing, none except one. I let him, my beloved Hephaistion, die.. alone..without me. How can I break a promise to the person who's mean everything to me. "I (Alexander) will be with you(Hephaistion) always till the end". How ignorant I am to presume that he, my royal beloved Hephaistion, will always be there for me. How dare I presume that Zeus will not jealous of my beautiful and royal Hephaistion and seize him away and leave me with noting but grieving and heartbreaking.
I remembered that day as today, the day that my beautiful Hephaistion is breathless, still and cold. The day that he dash to a new place without me. His eyes looked through my body as if I am invisible. His beautiful blue eye didn't look at me anymore. I cried angrily. I demanded his doctor to death. I demanded every living to stay away. from me ..because they are false to breath air and alive when my beloved did not..Oh.. my beloved Hephaistion … How reckless I need to find the one who dare to kill my love. How am I anger to every single life on earth that they are alive but not you my Hephaistion.
Who I can blame for your death?
Who I should revenge for you my love? …
In my mind, I blamed every single person who alive while you were dead.
In my heart, it is me! who should be blame for your death.
My arrogant, ignorant of your existing. Forgive me my beloved,.. Forgive me… Please forgive me to forsake you to death… Please forgive me to be content with life without you by my side. Please forgive me to take an eunuch, a wife, a world but left you to fight for me ..alone..
Condemned yourself Hephaistion, condemned you for let me leaving you alone. Why in all this time, how many times that you brought me back to my sanity after they left me, my father Philip, Philotas, Parmenion, Cleitus, Bucephalos. After all, …you… my beloved Hephastion always be the one who found the way to bring me back. Why? ..then… Why did you not find the way to bring me back to you? How humble you are?… How modesty you Athenian people to think that you are not deserve to gain all King's attention. How did you let this happen? How could you let go of me? How could you go to the place I cannot reach? How could you think that I can live my life without you … my beloved Hephaistion…
Forgive me my beloved… blames me ! who should be blame, except me..
I knew as much as the love and royal you have for me, you suffered a lot more to be loved by me. My wife, Roxanne, hated you. My generals jealous of you. Even my poor eunuch wanted you dead to gain my love. There is true that it is the loneliness when you are with the myth. But it is not only me who is in the myth. It is also you, my beloved loneliness Hephastion, the loneliness Vizier in the world.
I could not remember the day I started to leave you alone. When you became an outsider from an inner circle of friends and Generals. How long you lived your humble life far from my reach but always closed to my heart. It is me who asked you to leave a battle for our sake. It is me who believed in an Illiad and asked you to left your talented in battle commander for a non-heroic job of building cities, bridges or even supplying army's necessities. I left you to bear a shame as an inability commander and insulted by all fools. But I beseeched you because Achilles cannot live long after Patrocules death, as I, Alexander, cannot live long without my Patrocules, my Hephaistion. Your heroic talent was shadowed and tamed by my selfishness love. To have you with me till the end.
Could you forgive me my love for forsaking you to stand in the dark corner or in the distant staffing land …alone…. Could you forgive me to let you wait for me …alone…till the day that Hades take you away and left me with none. Will you forgive me to desert our dream to conquer the world and follow you to the house of Hades?
Please forgive me for my weakness in mortality without my beloved Hephaistion.
Please do not condemn my lonely Hephaistion to wait for me till the end.
Please let me leave the great empire to reach my home in the arms of my beloved.
Please Zeus, take me "to the strongest" part of me, another part which belongs to my beloved Hephaistion.
Thanatos: the death
….End…