Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart.
Pre-pilot. Multi-chapter.
So why did Ryan go boosting cars with Trey that night? Didn't he used to be the good boy? What happened?
DISCLAIMER: Characters etc... are property of Fox and Schwartz. Not mine. Don't sue.
Thanks to my beta BonnieD for turning this around at top speed.
Thank you for the great reviews – keep 'em coming!
And for those of you who liked Happy!Ryan, sorry – he's checked out. But you get an R-rating this chapter if that helps.
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Chapter 2: IntimacyShe was almost asleep when she heard the familiar tap at her window, just loud enough for her to notice but no one else. It had been a while, Theresa thought. She lay still for a moment, wondering whether it was a good idea, whether her mother was sleeping, whether Arturo would hear anything. She thought about Eddie, who sure as hell wouldn't understand. She got up.
Ryan was pressed against the wall in the shadows, hand raised for another tap when she slid the window open. He looked freaked out, pale and nervous and his eyes kept darting back at his house over the backyard fence. When she leant out he glanced at her for a second with a look of such despair that her heart gave a lurch. It had to be really bad. Ryan hadn't come over like this in ages, not since things had gotten better at home. She never dared ask – he never told – but she'd seen enough next door to figure out that Dawn had been pretty sober recently, that her fucking boyfriend was out, and that Ryan was doing okay. More than okay, actually – it was the happiest she'd seen him in years. Until right now.
She held out a hand and helped him over the sill. He dropped to the floor and crouched there, breathing shallowly.
"What's up Ry?" she whispered. "You okay?"
Ryan nodded. "It's just... I wanted to get out for a while. I thought maybe..." He looked up at her and squinted, and she could see that he was trying to pretend everything was all right, that this was just a normal visit, a little hanging with Theresa time, like they used to do. He snaked a hand up her bare leg and attempted a grin, but she wasn't fooled.
"Don't shit me," she said, suddenly furious. "You don't come over for months and now it's like nothing ever changed? I'm seeing Eddie, remember? This..." she gestured at his hand on her thigh, "...this isn't us anymore. What the fuck is happening, Ryan?"
His face fell and she felt mean. All the more so since she could still sense the warmth of his hand on her skin, although he had dropped it back to his side. Damn, that boy knew how to push her buttons. But she wouldn't let him get away with this. She stared at him in the semi-darkness, frowning.
He spoke quietly, without looking at her, head hunched into his shoulders. "It's... Things aren't so cool at home tonight, okay? AJ's back."
"Oh, fuck." Theresa's heart sank further. She didn't know for sure why AJ had left but there had been an unholy row on the night Ryan's mom sent him packing and she knew for a fact that he dealt drugs from the house because Arturo told her so. She barely knew the guy but she hated him for what he did to Ryan, whose frequent black eyes and split lips were testimony to AJ's anger management issues.
No wonder Ryan looked fearful. She knelt down and wrapped her arms around him, impulsively. He went rigid, and she could just feel the tension radiating from him, then something gave and he relaxed into her embrace and rested his forehead on her shoulder. They had been there so often, Ryan bruised or angry or scared, escaping his shitty house and his shitty mom and his shitty life by coming to her. He never spoke much about what it was like, but he often sought comfort with her. It was the bedrock of their intimacy, together with the chemistry that kept them coming back to each other again and again since they first tested the waters together years ago.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. There was something about the smell of him which was instantly familiar; that mixture of smoke and lemony soap and clean skin, of cheap leather and fresh sweat and the underlying scent of boy, not quite man, that was Ryan. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed it until now.
When he started kissing her neck she almost brushed him off, then thought better of it. She kidded herself that he needed it too much for her to push him away, that he had nowhere else to go but she knew it was bullshit. She loved how he could turn her on without even trying and get her off every time like it was the most natural thing in the world. So unlike Eddie – but that was something she didn't want to think about right now. She surrendered with a shudder of recognition to his mouth on her neck, his lips hot on her skin, his teeth grazing her earlobe.
Theresa's mind was racing as they kissed feverishly, still kneeling on the floor, Ryan's hands snaking under her loose T-shirt to caress her breasts. She felt guilty for cheating on Eddie but then it was Ryan, so it didn't really count. Although Eddie might not see it like that. Eddie, who was already jealous of Ryan even though he didn't know the half of it. Eddie, whose careful lovemaking was perfectly satisfying but never exhilarating like this was.
Fuck Eddie. She moaned into Ryan's mouth as he let his hand slide down her body and past the waistband of her shorts. He knew exactly where to touch her, he always had. She closed her eyes and lost herself in the rhythm of his fingers, her breath uneven, ragged.
She just couldn't resist him, she thought fleetingly as she came, smothering her cry into his kiss. Then she slid down onto the floor and he rolled onto her with his warm, heavy, hard body and she was whispering incoherently into his neck as he pushed into her with a groan and moved with her. And he was fucking her, hard and silent but good and she was so tuned into him she could feel his pent-up anger and fear dissipating as he took her back up the rollercoaster – until she peaked again, biting his shoulder hard to stop herself screaming the house down. She felt him smile against her neck then, and he came too, hardly making a noise. And then they were both still but for their hearts beating wildly, chest to chest.
And Theresa wondered, not for the first time, what exactly it was that she and Ryan had, and how it was that she was going out with Eddie, and why it was that she always let Ryan do her without a condom but never Eddie, even though Ryan probably slept around more than Eddie did. But he swore he always used a condom with all the other girls and for some reason she believed him. Besides, she was on the pill so at least on that front she was safe.
Sometime early in the morning she felt him stir and kiss her softly and then he was gone as she turned over, spread her cramped limbs out and fell back into deep sleep.
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It was barely light but Ryan knew he had to leave. He could never stay at Theresa's – even if they had been going out together her mother wouldn't have allowed it. And he didn't want to stay this time, anyhow. He climbed out of the window with practised ease, crossed over to his house and sat on the front steps. He had no idea what to do next.
Sleeping with Theresa had been good, just what he needed to forget why he left last night, but now it was fucking morning and he had to deal with reality again. He could feel his heart pounding when he thought of what AJ's presence really meant.
The worst thing was, he'd been getting used to coming home and not having to check everything. He'd been feeling confident. Relaxed even. And then he'd opened the door only to see fucking AJ sitting on the couch like he belonged there again, and Mom sitting next to him laughing, no, giggling like a fucking schoolgirl. And she never, ever giggled sober. And suddenly all the bullshit of the previous weeks was just that, bullshit, and Ryan wanted to bang his head against the wall because he had been such a fucking stupid asshole to believe even for a second that things were going to get better.
He still hoped beyond hope that it could be a one-off, that AJ was just paying some sort of friendly visit, except that in any version of Ryan's life worth living, AJ would never come round for a friendly visit, ever.
Ryan dug into his pockets, searching for a cigarette to keep him occupied as he weighed his options. AJ had spent the night, that was clear enough, because his fucking pick up truck was out front. The thought of him sleeping in the house again made Ryan want to throw up. There was no way Dawn would've let AJ spend the night unless they were back together. And there was no way they were back together unless she'd abandoned all pretence of being clean. Because AJ wasn't the kind of guy you hung around with if you wanted to stay away from booze or drugs. Or flying fists, for that matter.
Ryan felt suddenly tired, like the weight of ages had landed on his shoulders with no warning at all. If he was honest with himself, he felt like crying, too. Except that he hadn't cried since he was about six and his father had told him off for being a damn sissy. In his mind's eye, he could see all the plans he'd been building over the past months falling down, all his dreams of getting out of Chino, of maybe going to college and getting a decent job being shredded and scattered to the four winds.
He was still there in a black mood several cigarettes later when Theresa came out with her bike, ready for school. She walked over, and he could tell she was forcing herself to smile and look cheerful. He hated her for it, even though he knew he was being unfair.
"So, Atwood, school not cool enough for you or what? C'mon, it's only the last week. Why give up now?"
He squinted up at her. "Why fucking bother?" It wasn't like his GPA was going to count one way or another now, he wanted to add, because his fucking mom was back to being a no-good drunk and his life was back to shit.
"It'll keep you out of the house?" She smiled at him, brown eyes full of concern. Ryan bristled. He didn't need her pity. He shouldn't have gone to her, shouldn't have cracked. They weren't even fucking these days, now she hung with Eddie and pretended to be all grown-up. Last night had been a fluke. He didn't want to be a charity fuck.
"Yeah, well I can always go hang out somewhere else. I don't give a fuck about school, Theresa. Fuck making an effort. I'm tired of it."
"You don't even know if he's back for good," she said softly.
"What's it look like?" He looked back at her, bitter. She dropped her bike on the ground and went to sit next to him. He stiffened immediately and looked away.
"Don't be like this, Ry."
"Theresa – look, thanks for last night but – I just want to be alone."
"Thanks?" She scowled at him. "Thanks for last night but fuck off? What kind of a jerk are you, Atwood? I mean, I know it sucks but it's not my fucking fault, is it? Do you have to be so goddamn insulting?" She was still speaking low, but her tone was angry. She had quite a temper on her.
He sighed. "I didn't mean it like this. I just can't deal with people today."
"Yeah, well, next time, think before you open your mouth. You're such a fucking boy sometimes." Theresa got up, still scowling and picked up her bike, refusing to look back at him. Ryan watched her pedal off, eyes narrowed. He felt like a shit, but to be honest, it was hardly the most pressing thing on his mind right now. He wanted out of the house before his mom and AJ woke up. That was one reunion he wanted to postpone as long as he could.
He slipped in through the front door, silently, and made his way to his bedroom, trying not to notice the empty bottles of beer on the table, the overflowing ashtrays and – his stomach cramped at the sight – a ball of singed foil on the kitchen counter. If AJ had talked her into freebasing coke Ryan might as well give up on any semblance of a normal life. Jesus, how could she lose it so fast? He could hear Trey's voice in his head: "It's Mom, remember?" How the fuck could he have forgotten? Mom never took things slowly – it was all or nothing.
He crept past her bedroom door – he could hear AJ snoring, for fuck's sake – and slunk into his bedroom where he stuffed a few clothes and basics into a backpack. He was on his way back out when a floorboard creaked and he heard a sleepy voice call out his name. He froze. Damn. So much for a quick exit.
"Hey baby, is that you?"
"Yeah. I'm off to school, mom, I'm late."
"Wait up, hon." He could hear her shuffling inside, probably looking for her robe. She looked rough when she finally made it out, eyes rimmed with smudged mascara, her face puffy with sleep and her hair matted and messy. He clenched his jaw and tried to ignore the bite marks on her neck. He was glad he hadn't spent the night and been forced to listen to her and AJ making up in bed.
She looked anxiously at him "Ryan, honey, I wanted to explain last night but you took off... I know what this looks like but I swear it ain't what you think."
"Yeah, mom, whatever." He really didn't want to be discussing this now, outside the bedroom, with AJ's snores hovering over their conversation.
"Sweetie, I know you and AJ don't get along, but he's changed, baby, he really has." With each word Ryan felt his irritation rising. He just itched to be outside – away from all this. "He's promised he'll make an effort. He says he's missed me, he's missed us, and..."
"Yeah right, I'm sure he's missed me, mom." Ryan spoke through gritted teeth. "I've got to go, please, give me a break." He tried to walk on but she held on to his arm.
"Ryan, " she pleaded, her voice whiny, "I know you're pissed. But it's not that bad. We were just having a little celebration last night... I can keep it under control. Come on, can't a girl have a little fun now and then?" He recognised the words he'd heard again and again in the past. Lies, every time.
Something snapped in Ryan. He turned to face his mother, angry and upset enough that he no longer bothered to control his voice. "Mom, don't give me that bullshit. You know you can't. And I don't know what he told you to get back in here but have you forgotten why you kicked him out in the first place? Doesn't he have another fucking family to look after anyhow? Jesus, mom, this time I thought you were serious about this!" His voice cracked and he took a deep breath, afraid of breaking down if he went on. Suddenly Ryan realised he could no longer hear AJ snoring and the back of his neck prickled. He better leave before the big man had a chance to come out.
Dawn stood there, stock-still, a sheepish look on her face. She made as if to open her mouth but he shook his head and pushed past her towards the front door. He didn't want to hear any more of her apologies. And he sure as hell didn't want to stay and see her crash and burn in agonising close-up.
It was time to take shelter at Trey's.