One day, Voldemort had plastic surgery and became a beautiful woman.
The end.
Then, he came across James!
James was ruffling his hair and catching a snitch he had illegally stolen, while rubbing his tummy out of hunger. Even though that is humanly impossible since he's only got two hands. Unless he was catching the snitch and ruffling his hair at the same time. Or he could have caught the snitch, and then put it in his pocket, and then ruffled his hair, and then patted his stomach, and then let the snitch go, and then caught it… or maybe he was a spider.
Yeah, that makes sense…
So anyway, while ruffling his hair and catching his tummy, Peter walked by. He saw what James was doing and screamed.
"Oh my god, James! NOOOOOOOOO!!" he tried to tackle him to the ground, but seeing as he was so pathetically week and stupid, succeeded only in hitting his head on James's knee and knocking himself out.
Then Sirius walked by and saw James ruffling his snitch and catching his hair. He, being the smart, handsome bloke he was, knew that if James continued as he was, the purple monkeys would re-gain power and the world would be thrown into chaos once more. But before he could do anything, Lionel Richie started singing.
Just then, Remus walked into the story.
"Hey guys! What are you doing in the girls bathroom?"
James scuttled towards Remus, clicking his pincers menacingly and looking up at him through six eyes, even though my sister insists that spiders only have two eyes.
"We're getting ready for the show, of course!" Sirius shouted and threw flowers into the air. He was about to start applying his makeup, when all of a sudden, someone bitch-slapped him.
Sirius whirled around with his fists in the air, but found that everyone in the room was innocent.
"Hmm, these warewolf instincts are getting a little out of hand." Remus said thoughtfully. "…Can we just go and roast some pork chops over the common room fire?" But everyone ignored him. They all ignored Peter as well, who was beginning to show signs of life as he lay on the cruddy bathroom floor.
Then someone chucked a brick at Sirius's head. He whirled around again (after regaining consciousness), but alas, the thrower of the brick was no longer there. But Sirius knew who it was this time. Oh yes, he knew.
Shaking his fist at the ceiling like an old man, he shouted "Damn you Lionel Richieeeeee…"
And then they all went on a quest to find the accursed singer.
Well ok, so that was the first chapter.
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