Authors Note: This hasn't been beta-read so I apologize if it has grammar/spelling errors in or if the characters sound a bit off. Please let me know what you think of this, complaints, suggestions; any feedback would be helpful as long as it is constructive.

Spoilers: For Season One episodes 1-14

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Stargate in any incarnations of course and I'm not making any money, this is just some harmless fanfic fun.

Chapter 3: Just another reality I can't believe in

Elizabeth watched the ocean. It reminded her of his eyes. She'd never consciously noted what colour they were but as she stared out to the sea she could see his face and the eyes that had often pleaded with her, consoled her, reassured her.

They were all out one of the piers. Everyone gathered for the memorial that John, Carson and Victor Zelenka had arranged. She was grateful to them for it, she'd hadn't had the strength of mind to deal with anything like this.

And as much as they all needed this closure she felt like they were letting him go, that he would become a distant memory. Someone to miss instead of mourn.

They spoke as if he was dead and she knew he probably was but it felt like murdering him holding this. He was only missing she thought, as if at sea, as if he might wash up ashore alive and complaining as usual. Piping up about how hungry he was and had they found anything interesting whilst he'd been gone.
And he was gone she admitted. Nothing would colour that fact.
But out here by the sea was the best send off they could wish for.
The blue depths could serve as her reminder, tugging her memory back to the intensity of his eyes, and she dearly hope she would not lose that image as she had lost him.

John had finally finished talking, the words having washed over her.
There was a silence as the Athosians set out a raft, their own personal way of letting go of a man that though few knew all were grateful to for his help.
She had followed the raft out into the horizon, long after the others had gone inside.

She'd wanted to be alone but it seemed John wasn't happy with that.
Did he think she'd throw herself into the sea?

"Elizabeth, its time to go in."
She stood silent still watching the horizon.

He embraced her loosely, trying to turn her around and steer her inside.
"It's getting cold out here, you need to go inside. There food and drink you'll feel better once you've had some."

Her response bit back at his careless words.
"Will I? Because I don' think so and I don't want to go in their and celebrate and pretend everything is okay."

His face was grave, a mild hurt on it too for what she had said. She knew John was only concerned but she hated his choice of words, they stung more than the seaspray did against her face. She couldn't imagine a time when she would feel better than this.
But John didn't give up, he was stubborn as a mule.
"You don't have to pretend, no one is but you should celebrate. You should remember what a great man McKay was. Obnoxious and arrogant at times, well most of the time actually but we need to remember that as well as how brave he was, what he did for us, he saved us too many times to count."

She glared back at him, wondering how he could speak like that.
"Thats just it I don't want to remember him, to remember how he was. I don't want to give up on him John."

His look pitied her, angering her further but he didn't leave it at that.
"You know he's dead Elizabeth, there's no way he'd still be alive. Even when they wanted information from Sumner they still sucked the life out him soon enough when he didn't give it to them. How is Rodney going to fare any better?"

She turned away from him, if only she could ignore what he was saying as easily but she knew that tactic wouldn't work. He'd carry on until he thought she understood, only she didn't think she could so he would have to instead.
"And how do you know he won't? He might have escaped, might be out there on some godforsaken planet unable to reach us..."

He'd stopped her, making as if to shake her out of whatever spell he thought her under but he only held her arms length away, supporting her.
"Get a hold of yourself Elizabeth. I know this is hard and you don't want to accept it but you're going to have to. You're the leader of Atlantis, we need you and if you don't deal with this I'm not sure you'll be fit for command."
She tore away from his grasp, furious at what he was insinuating.
"Are you threatening me?"
Once more his look pitied her and she wondered when he'd stop looking at her like that, when he would just let her be and let her sort herself out because he couldn't help her no matter what he said.
"No, I'm asking you as a friend to find a way to cope because you're clearly not and it'll tear you apart. You can't take the blame for this, its not your fault."

That had been the end of the discussion. She'd left feeling worse than she had at the beginning of the day. A wash of emotions overcoming her, tiredness, hopelessness and a fear that what he'd said had made sense.

She lay down on the bed. Placing her laptop on her chest and began to write.
This was the only thing she could think to do.

It was on his file, as with everyone, who he wished to be written to in the event of his death.
There were three names only.
The first was his sister, Jeannie.
The second a woman she didn't know but was recorded as his cat-sitter. With instructions that she tell her he died a courageous death and that his neighbour could keep his cat
The third however surprised her.

Samantha Carter.

He'd talked of her before, often with a rapture in his eyes. She knew he'd had a thing for her but she'd never taken it too seriously until she had seen this.

What could she say?

She wasn't even sure how much Carter cared for Rodney. Whether it had been a work relationship, a friendship or more as she had dismissed.
She tried to find an angle to write the letter from but she had nothing. What could she say that would make it better, there wasn't anything she could say to herself.

So she tried writing the truth. It was what anyone who knew him deserved to know.

Dear Lt. Col. Carter

As a dear friend of his it pains me to inform you that Doctor Rodney McKay is missing in action, presumed dead.

I do not know the nature of your relationship with Rodney but I want you to know we tried everything we could to rescue him. He was a good man and a very close friend of mine and all of Atlantis will miss him.

He was taken by the Wraith, a powerful enemy we have discovered in the Pegasus galaxy, whilst on a mission on another world. After a month of reconnaissance we were unable to locate the position of his holding, leaving us with no choice but to end our efforts to recover our chief science officer.

I would like to say that Rodney did not suffer but we cannot know what fate he had and I will not lie about the unpleasantness of the death the Wraith most likely committed him to. It is likely he was killed within a day of his capture, drained of life, treated as food for our enemy.

I was surprised to see your name on the list of those he wished to be informed of his death. Rodney has mentioned you a few times but I'm afraid I never took him too seriously. Infact I get the impression he was a little jealous of your work but he seemed to hold a fondness and admiration for you which I have rarely seen him extend to someone. I know therefore he must think a great deal of you, of which I am enviable.

Now she knew the letter wasn't what she'd be sending, or at least this draft. The last paragraph had been far to personal, more truthful on paper than she had been in her own head.

Why was she envying Sam Carter for being the one who got a letter like this? Or was it just she was jealous he would think of her, a woman he hadn't seen for months, who he exaggerated his relationship with; who she knew had no interest in him if the rumours were true. Upset because Sam Carter would have this letter, because he wanted her to know and Elizabeth herself was left with nothing of him. Just a duty to inform everyone else, to write formal reports, to bear it and carry on. That she was expected to get over it and do her job like it wasn't anything more than she had done before, like he was no more important than Colonel Sumner or anyone else who had died so far. Because she knew that wasn''t true and that it wasn't appropriate, like she wasn't allowed to show she cared. To just make out like he was another unfortunate soul she had failed. No, it hurt more than the rest had altogether. Rodney McKay had left a hole too large in her life for her to repair and yet no one could know how important he had been.

She found she didn't want to stay there alone and she didn't want to join the callous celebration of his life, as if remembering him made it all alright.

There was only one place she could think that would comfort her.

The halls were cold and dark as she moved through them, devoid of all life. Mirroring how her heart felt.

The walk seemed longer too in her anticipation but eventually she found herself there.
Moving through past his lab to his quarters.

She passed her hand over the crystals thinking how many times his hand must have touched them too.
And she entered the room. It wasn't especially tidy or messy, it felt lived in ironically. The air was slightly stale indicating no one had been there for some time, it pleased her somehow that it was untouched, like she could imagine him having only just left, perhaps only somewhere else on Atlantis rather than out there and gone.

She glanced around not sure what to do but not wanting to leave. Only there wasn't really much to his stuff. Thee were a few textbooks lying around, she picked one up, opening the front cover and seeing his scruffy handwriting there. His name was typed out boldly: RODNEY McKAY and she was sure like him it would shout out a warning of 'hands off, this is my book'. She almost felt like she should have put the book down, after all she wasn't much for science, she had preferred to negotiate order in life rather than find and explain it as he was so eager to do.

Her eyes became wet with tears once she realised he would never do so again. Never see him looking up with a boyish excitement at the latest discovering, nearly stumbling over his words trying to get his message through to the rest of them.

The hate welled up inside herself at the Wraith for taking away something so precious, his life not even half lived, the adventure only begun such a short time ago. He'd never unearth the secrets of the Ancients with them as they hoped they would one day.

From then on she couldn't stop her tears from flowing, as thought after thought of damnation to the enemy and resentment for what was lost consumed her.

Her knees became weak as she heaved her sobs and he fell into his bed, the covers left thrown open.She'd given up on him finally, given in to the feelings, absolving herself into his bed. Pulling the covers over her body and grasping them tight, the closest she could be to him, as she fell into a fitful dream.