A-N: Iconographs not invented when Vetinari was a kid. Er... It was... Um...something quantum. Yeah, that's right. Quantum. (Sorry Carol – haven't read all the Rincewind books). I'm just pretending they were invented, in an early daguerrotype-like stage. Congrats to Ivy for figuring out my handle. (applauds) And yes, that GP excerpt was an inspiration. Ok, here's the next bit! oOo

4. Syd's Discount Treasure Maps

Syd was actually short for Al-Syde, and that was obvious even before Hanna and Maltesi stepped through the horse shoe-shaped door of Syd's Discount Treasure Maps. The shop was at the top curve of one of the undulating streets of Pseudopolis, but it had still been a bugger to get to. All streets in the city were one way. No exceptions, not even on Octedays. The Pseudopolis Department of Tourism figured that this was the best way for visitors to see every quaint and colorful highway and byway without one particular section of town getting more tourism than another. It was only fair.

Two-way traffic had developed, of course, but it had to keep to the distinctive one-way character of town. When Hanna and Maltesi stopped outside of Syd's, several men on donkeys passed by. Backwards. This was important. All traffic faced the same way, even if it wasn't technically going the same way. A mother scolded her young son while they back-stepped down the street. A horse pushed a cart full of wine barrels tail first. An old couple holding hands backed into a café. And it all worked. There weren't any more traffic accidents in Pseudopolis than in other towns its size. Pseudopolis pack animals were highly valued around their Disc for their willingness to move in reverse.

The door to Syd's was carved out of ebony and contained a grate that had decorative stars instead of slats. The rest of the shop was stone, but not a bit of it was plain. There were painted Klatchian elephant carvings. Camels, tigers, sea lions, star fish. A frieze of what Hanna took to be a sea monster coiled over the door. A thick smell of incense wafted out of the ebony grate.

She glanced at Maltesi – he was not looking happy – and pushed open the door.

Stone wall carvings, blue tile, the tinkle of a small fountain. And a voice, sing-song, dripping with honey.

"Anthony Maltesi. I knew one day you'd come walking back through my door."

Dark and alluring, Al-Syde leaned dramatically against the shop counter in such a way that the light from the window brightened the red veil, yellow sashes and gold hoop earrings.

"How long I've waited for this day! Oh! The gods only know how long!"

In a burst of perfume, Syd hustled up to Maltesi and kissed him quickly on both cheeks. Maltesi backed up so fast, he nearly fell over an inlaid ebony chest.

"And who have you brought with you? Hm?" Syd squinted down at Hanna. "She's not a sailor, I can see that. Her skin is too soft." It was said with a hint of jealousy. "I used to be a sailor, but the sun! The salty air! Hellish for the complexion, I can tell you. There was loofa everywhere but do you think I could find a crushed almond-oatmeal-honey face masque in the middle of the Rim Ocean? Not a bit of it. I can safely say that algae is not the wonder beauty product everyone has been saying these days. Tea?"

Syd spun away to fuss with a cannister of tea that sat over a flame.

If Hanna hadn't been the professional seamstress she was, she might have noticed a little slower that several things weren't quite right about Syd. Very large feet, for one. Syd was very tall to begin with, as tall as Lord Vetinari. Here and there, stubble sprouted from Syd's cheeks. And then there was the Adam's apple that peaked out when the red veil fell away.

She looked over at Maltesi. He had his arms folded tightly and was looking determined to get out of there as fast as possible.

Syd reappeared with a tea in each hand.

"No thanks," said Maltesi. "We don't want to stay long. We've got to--"

"Where are your manners, Anthony?" Syd clicked his tongue, handed Hanna a tea and sipped the other one himself.

"I'm Hanna," said Hanna.

"I am Al-Syde, but the boys call me Syd. Did Anthony tell you about me? We spent some marvellous years together." Syd's eyes were lined with kohl. Mascara was involved. He batted his eyes at Maltesi.

"No, he didn't tell me that," said Hanna.

"Oh, he's always shouting at people but he's really shy. You were always a shy one, weren't you, my little sea urchin? Hm?"

The giggle that burst out of Syd was so infectious that Hanna joined in. Maltesi cleared his throat.

"Look, Syd, great to see you, but we stopped by just to--"

"Those were the days, Hanna. Sailing the ocean blue, a crew of 30 under the very able direction of Captain Maltesi, dear Anthony's father. Gods rest him." Syd put a hand over his heart. "I really could have stayed forever, living from port to port, enjoying long, quiet stretches on the water. We bonded in deep, fundamental ways." Syd took a deep breath. "That's the life for a man, isn't it, Anthony?"

Hanna enjoyed watching Maltesi's face change colours. The pallor was replaced by a kind of angry purplish that dissolved into the red of embarrassment she'd seen on him at his office. He was fumbling around in his jacket pocket, found his glasses and shoved them on.

"We're looking for a treasure map, Syd," he said.

"Oh! I have those. This is Syd's Discount Treasure Maps. I thought up a new slogan for our promotional literature. Would you like to hear it?" He fluttered to the center of the shop floor and re-arranged his veil self-consciously. "I have to explain first. There's another map shop on the other side of town. We're in direct competition. It's disgraceful. All of this bickering for customers. But I read in a marketing book that customers like to go to the business that looks like it doesn't need customers. I didn't understand that. I'm always so welcoming. I'm thrilled when someone comes in!"

Syd giggled again. Hanna joined in automatically.

"But the book said that modern businesses have to put out a professional face to stay competitive. We have to be predators. We have to be mean and evil. We have to act like we don't care if you come to us or not. So, this is what I came up with."

Syd moved his hand as if he was reading from a sign in the air in front of him.

"Syd's Discount Treasure Maps: Home of the Big Pricks."

He looked hopefully at Maltesi. "How do you like it?"

Hanna choked on her tea and started coughing. It wasn't even Syd's slogan. It was the look on Maltesi's face. He looked like he'd gladly throw himself under the wheels of a speeding cart as soon as possible.

"I love it," said Hanna. "You should get lots of new customers."

"Do you think?" Syd twisted the end of his veil around his fingers. "I hope so. It does get a little lonely around here sometimes. Some sailors don't visit me ever."

He stuck his tongue out at Maltesi.

"A treasure map," Maltesi said, "for Hershebian chocolate. If you have one." He closed his eyes. "If you don't have one, tell us now. Right now. Do you have one?"

Syd swiped up Hanna's hand and led her to a long cabinet that took up the whole wall. "He's so rude sometimes," he whispered. "He was always like that. A bee in his bonnet and poof! No more Mr. Smiley-buns."

Inside the cabinet were cedar crates with little labels on the front. They had letters of the alphabet on them. Syd paused.

"Now, did I put that under c or h? Hm." He started browsing through the papers inside of crate c. Maltesi dug into the h's. One of Syd's slippered feet slid across the floor and rubbed Maltesi's boot. Maltesi kicked it away.

Hanna smiled behind her hand.

Finally, Maltesi slammed the crate back in place. "Got it!"

Hanna snatched it out of his hand. The paper was smooth and bendable and reminded her of some kind of animal hide. Bits of landscape were sketched out; she recognized mountains and river and the foothills. It was definitely the Pseudopolis area. She was so relieved that she wasn't going to have to sail all the way to Hersheba that the main problem with the map hit her a bit late.

"Where's the rest?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" asked Syd.

"It's only half a map."

"Of course it's only half a map. This is Syd's Discount Treasure Maps. If I sold complete maps I'd have to mark them up to full price." Syd dusted off his harem pants. "I don't want to do that to my customers. They expect value."

"But half a map!? Dammit, can't one treasure map somewhere in the world be in one bloody piece?"

"No need for that kind of language," said Syd. "Very unladylike."

"You said you wanted a start," said Maltesi.

"I wanted a start. Not half a treasure map. What am I supposed to do with half a treasure map?"

Syd lifted it out of Hanna's hand, turned it over and gave it back. "I always note down who I bought it from. In case the customer was looking for the complete set."

On the back of the torn paper was an address and the name Daneloo Sparks.

"Great," said Maltesi. "Just perfect."

"You know him?" asked Hanna.

He shook his head.

Syd slinked up to him. "You know the address, though, don't you? Hm? You naughty boy, you."

Maltesi glared at him.

"What is it?" asked Hanna.

"I think tomorrow's Ladies Night, hm, Anthony?" Syd giggled again. "But you'd know better than me."

Hanna looked at Maltesi but he wasn't helping. "A pub?" she asked.

"The very famous Pseudopolis Bath House," said Syd. He winked.

Maltesi wasn't saying anything, so Hanna paid up and followed Syd to the door.

"I'll give you a little tip," he said. "I tell it to all my customers." He smiled wickedly. "Anthony Maltesi has the cutest arse this side of the Rim Ocean."

"Bloody hell." Maltesi slapped a hand over his face.

"It's true. It's so sweet. Like two little peaches. And there's a compass tattooed on his left--"

Maltesi dragged Hanna out the door and down the street in the wrong direction. It disrupted traffic. A back trotting horse was forced to pull up. There was general annoyed shouting before things got going properly again.

"Right." Maltesi slumped against the wall. "Thank gods that's over."

"An interesting man," said Hanna. "If you don't mind my asking, what kind of deep and fundamental bonding did you two do when you were--"

"Nothing! It's wishful thinking. On his part."

Hanna was grinning.

"You're a one," said Maltesi. "Laughing at me when I agreed to help you on your wild goose chase."

"Not so wild. We've made progress already." Hanna patted her purse. The treasure map was safe inside. "Why don't we head to the bath house tomorrow, all right, my little sea urchin?"

She strolled off, laughing.

oOo

The sun dropped lazily on the horizon. Syd was just about to lock up the Discount Treasure Map shop and get something to eat when he had an unexpected visitor.

He wasn't particularly tall or short, not particularly handsome or ugly. His hair wasn't dark or light, but somewhere in the middle. Same for his eyes. He was what one could call nondescript.

"Oh! Fancy seeing a customer so late!" Syd fluttered up to the man. "Can I help you, sir? I just know you're looking for a map. But first I can offer you tea, hm?" He spun away to re-light the little burner under the tea pot.

The man was observant. It was his job. It took him about half a second to figure out what was underneath Syd's harem girl pants. Strategy was chosen.

He strolled around the shop. Strutted, really, and pretended to browse.

"I haven't seen you around here before," said Syd. "New in town?"

"No, no. I have a new interest in maps. I heard Syd's Discount Treasure Maps was the best place to develop my new...passion."

The man smiled. He had a rather nice smile if he chose to use it.

Syd's eyes went wide, he recovered, and fussed with the tea cups.

"You're in the right place, sir. Yes you are. Could I ask your name, good sir?"

"Dennis."

"I'm Syd." Syd held out his hand palm down and Dennis bent over it politely. His lips brushed the skin.

Syd gasped. Dennis came up from the bow with a rather...pleasant look on his face. Syd stared at his hand.

"Um... Were you looking for anything in particular, Dennis?"

"Well, I ran into Mr. Maltesi and he mentioned that--"

"Oh, Anthony! A dream, isn't he?"

Dennis nodded. "He appears to be going around with a woman."

"Her name's Hanna. A nice thing, but... Oh, what a waste." Syd sighed.

His veil was thoughtfully re-arranged by Dennis.

"Mr. Maltesi...Anthony, he mentioned coming in here."

"Finally! He never comes and sees me. I've given up on him."

Dennis kept plucking at Syd's veil, patting and tucking, and Syd was having trouble figuring out what to do with his hands. Or anything else. He kept talking. "Um...He was here with that Hanna, and they were looking for a map."

"Oh?"

"Hershebian chocolate. I think they're off on a treasure hunt. What a lucky girl. It all sounds like so much fun."

Dennis smiled again.

"Is that tea ready?"

Syd scurried over to pour. Dennis pulled open the cupboard where the maps were stored and flipped quickly through the appropriate boxes. He came up empty. Syd obviously didn't make copies, and there weren't anymore chocolate maps. He pulled out a promising alternative.

They sipped tea and chatted for a few minutes. Syd tried out his "Home of the Big Pricks," and Dennis laughed. Syd was heartened.

"What do you have there, Dennis?"

"This is half a map to the Quantum Weather Book. I've always wanted to control the weather. Rain makes me so...down."

"Oh, me too! Do promise if you find the book, you'll do the ritual that makes it sunny here always. I'd so appreciate it."

Dennis finished his tea and pressed some gold coins into Syd's warm hand.

"I promise. You're very hospitable, Syd. You know how to take care of your customers. I'll be coming back."

He went to the door. Syd hovered just behind.

"Oh, do! Come back any time. We're always open for valued customers."

"I'm glad to hear that. Oh." Dennis seemed to remember something. "Anthony said other people – well, he mentioned they might be drab, sad, very lonely men -- might be asking what map he and this Hanna bought. He asked me to ask you not to tell them. It might be easier if you think of it this way: Anthony bought the Quantum Weather Book map, hm?" He held up the map and Syd nodded. "He said he'd be very grateful if you said that to anyone who asks." Dennis paused. "And if you showered your hospitality on these men, should they come. They'll appreciate it. As I have."

Dennis chipped Syd on the chin and left the shop.

oOo

Fifteen minutes later, a knock came to Syd's door.

It was a man. If possible, he had fewer memorable things about him than Dennis. Even his coat was a drab, forgettable colour. His name was Lester. It fit.

"Sorry I've come by so late, but I was just walking and I thought..."

"Are you here about the map Anthony Maltesi bought?"

Lester looked surprised.

"Er...yes."

"Oh, you poor man. You poor, poor man." Syd took him by the arm. "Just let Syd take care of you, hm?"

He batted his eyes.