Welcome back, kiddies, to the ultimate circus ring of terror—The Life of Mary Sue!
…funny…all of you are reading this voluntarily…
Anyways. 100+ reviews! Woo! I'm impressed. As a present, I'm giving you—you guessed it—another chapter! In which we will finally witness Mary Sue's knack for, well, everything!! *gag* Oh, but wait. It will get worse. It will get much, much, worse…just wait till next chapter…*cackle*
Note: No, I don't have any idea why Wyldon begins speaking like an Amish farmer/Shakespearian player either…blame my muses, I guess ;)
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Mary Sue of Tortall
Chapter 5
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"C'mon, Kel," he nudged his friend. "I'm sure it'll be jolly fun!"
Kel was about to say no, but then—she couldn't have known, she would later tell herself, she had know way of expecting it—she accidentally let Mary Sue lock eyes with her.
WHAM.
Kel slowly felt every last shred of willpower dissolve as Mary Sue's big, blue—almost violet, really—eyes grew larger (something she hadn't previously thought possible) and more teary. Kel felt her own lips trembling. Scowling, she jerked away.
"Sweet Mithros, girl," she muttered. "You're as bad as those kids in the Saren refugee packets."
"So—you'll let me go?" Mary Sue's voice was charmingly hopeful.
Kel waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah, come along. But one thing—" Kel spun around and gave Mary Sue a venomous look. The girl gave her a shocked look back.
"Wha—"
"Oh, would you stop with the sweet and innocent bit? Now. You can come with me'n Owen on one condition."
"Stay away from Cleon, Diamond Pin."
**
Sir Wyldon stood stodgily high in his seat, surveying the gathering crowds with a slight frown on his face. Getting girlier and girlier every year, he thought to himself, meaning the pages, squires and knights who were gathering to practice for the tournament. He was surprised by a slight jolt from underneath as his stallion, Cavall's Heart, began to rear; odd, the last time Heart had acted like this was in the mating season…but he had no time for speculation.
"Heart! Heart!" he cried. "Oh, Heart! Be still! You do cause me such pain! Do calm, my Heart; look now," he said frantically, thinking maybe there was a mare nearby, "surely the lady can wait 'til later; yet now, be still my Heart, that I may regain my composure!"
Cavall's Heart reared one more time, but suddenly stopped and leaned forward, intent on something—was he listening to something? Or looking? Wyldon himself looked straight ahead of him, squinting slightly in the sun. He gasped.
Was this some goddess, or angel—some spirit of light? (hate to break it to ya, buddy…)
The figure of a rather—shapely—woman was illuminated by the direct sunlight, forming an iridescent silhouette. Wyldon felt his jaw go slightly slack…
"Why, dear sir," Mary Sue exclaimed, "your proclamations of love were certainly uncalled for, although—well, I won't say that they were completely unflattering—but your callous dismissal of me for a "later time" was most insulting, to say the least."
Wyldon stared for a moment, until he realized that she thought that when he spoke to his horse, he was speaking of his own heart, and that the "lady" he spoke of was her.
"Oh, and dear—" she flashed her perfect teeth briefly—"you really must wipe a bit of that, er, spittle, off your jawline. It's most unbecoming, I'm sure." The next thing he knew, Mary Sue had pulled out an embroidered handkerchief and was gently wiping the side of his mouth. It smelled slightly of rosemary, or perhaps lavender…
Kel, looking over to Wyldon to find her assignment, nearly choked to see Mary Sue tenderly wiping his mouth with a dainty handkerchief.
"L-Lord Wyldon!" she sputtered. Wyldon's eyes snapped out of their glaze, and he snatched the handkerchief, dropping it to the mud and trying to ignore Mary Sue's squeal of protest. He straightened and cleared his throat, then raised his eyebrows.
"Yes, Mindelan? What is it you want?"
Kel blinked and tried to say something, but nothing would come out.
"You know, dear, it really isn't becoming to gasp about like a halibut as you are," Mary Sue remarked quietly in a sweetly patronizing voice. Kel glared at her and turned to Wyldon.
"Sir, I was wondering what exactly you had in mind for me to do. Also—" she paused and gave a pointed look to Mary Sue—"also, your wife was wondering where she ought to sit." Wyldon felt a slight flush rising from his neck. He coughed and cleared his throat, slightly pushing Mary Sue away.
"Ahem, yes, well, she should sit in, er, em, the uh
"Wouldn't the box pavilion be just lovely for her?" Mary Sue asked sweetly. Wyldon nodded vigorously.
"Yes! Yes exactly, the pavilion—that was exactly what I had in mind." Kel gave him a skeptical look.
"Riiiight."
[awkward pause]
"Well. You still haven't told me what my duties are to be, sir."
Wyldon knew the answer to this, at least. "Begin warming up, squire. You're to compete in the jousting tournament." Kel nodded; that was hardly a surprise.
"Um—sir?"
"Yes, Mindelan?"
"Well, if you don't mind my asking sir, why exactly is—Lady—Mary Sue here? The spectators shouldn't be arriving for another hour or so at least."
"Er—right. Um, perhaps she could—"
"Oh, well I—I mean, I wouldn't want to impose or anything but," Mary Sue gave a tiny, pretty smile, "maybe I could compete. I mean, I've had a little bit of training."
Kel arched an eyebrow. "Training? In what? Curtseys? That'll hardly be useful here."
"Oh, no, squire Mindelan, or well, that too, but when I was a child [cue violins], well—my father didn't love me, and my mother was dead, so my brother took charge of me. He didn't have time to watch me properly, I suppose, so he just took me along with him everywhere he went. I learned along with Gary how to skin a rabbit, wrestle, wield a dagger, sword, staff, and of course a glaive, and when a visiting Shang came to our fief, I also learned Shang fighting skills. Then of course I had to learn to shoot a bow and arrow, because of all the Stormwings that came by during pig-roasting season—of course," she giggled, "I'm probably not very good." Giggle.
Kel cocked her head to one side. "Your brother's name was Gary? As in Gareth?"
"No, he was just Gary. Gary Stu. The last I heard of him, he had gone through some magic portal to another world and married a beautiful sorceress—Hermione, was it? But of course," giggle, "that's really ridiculous. He's probably just off on another one of his crazy quests."
"Uh-huh. Right. Well, if you can fight as well as you say, I don't see any reason why you can't compete."
"Wyldon!"
"Mindelan! Silence, please! It seems to me that I am the one in charge here, am I not?"
Mary Sue smirked as he turned his back on them, and Kel glared back. Wyldon turned again. "Mindelan! Suit up! And do show Miss Mary Sue where she can find her equipment, as well." Kel scowled and dragged a protesting Mary Sue down to the equipment barracks.
***
BOOM! [lightning]
CRASH! [tree falls, more lightning]
[organ music]
[camera zooms in on shot of imposing castle, until it rests on the door to a crypt. Suddenly—thunderclap—the door flies open! Bats fly out, and we can see a slightly rotting corpse putting itself back together again. It sits up suddenly, scaring the crap out of the cameraman, who loses focus for a second. When the picture sharpens again, the corpse is now—ALIIIIIIIIVE!]
Roger (rubbing hands together gleefully): Everything is going according to plan! Now that I've come back to life (again), I'll wait until my minion manages to kill Thayet and the rest of the family. She'll become queen, and then, ONLY THEN, will we kill the king! Then I'll swoop in, marry her, and I'll Become King!!!!! I will take over the world! It'll be mine, ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!! [thunder, lightning, organ music increases in volume]
Roger gives out a sly cackle. "Little does she know what I have in store for her…mwahahaha!! [thunder, lightning]
[camera zooms out to a shot of the full moon]
wolf: a-WOOOOOOO!
Roger: a-WOOOOOOOO! Ah-hahahahaha!!!! [flies away on a broomstick]
***
NBA Announcer: And now—the Tenth Annual Tortallian Tournament!
Crowd: yay! [cheers]
Announcer: I give you: Sir Ansil of Groten, Sir Alanna of Trebond and Olau, Sir Gareth of Naxen, Sir Raoul of Goldenlake, Sir Rodriguo of Ramirez Heights, Sir Burchard of Stone Mountain, Sir…….[blah, blah, blah…], Squire Joren of Stone Mountain, Squire Nealan of Queenscove, Squire Cleon of Kennan, Squire Keladry of Mindelan, Squire Merric of Esmond, and last but not least, Lady Mary Sue of Diamond Pin!
Crowd: gasp!
Kel put a hand over her forehead to block out the sun as she surveyed the crowd. They were all whispering about something…at first she thought it might be her, but then she remembered—Mary Sue was here. She glanced over at her and rolled her eyes. Mary Sue was looking ethereal in flowing silk robes, her silken golden hair tied back loosely in what looked like a satin tie. She was also wearing artful touches of face paint and enough perfume to knock out whoever happened to compete against her. Oh well, thought Kel. She's in for a rude surprise when she has to actually compete against proven knights and squires. 'Trained with her brother,' my ass.
She was thinking this and not paying attention when Neal came up behind her, and when he put his hand on her shoulder, she yelped in surprise.
"Nealan!" she shrieked. "What are you doing?"
"Now, I'm a bit insulted, Keladry. We've been here for six hours and you haven't said a word to me." Kel sighed grumpily and ran a hand through her hair.
"I thought I told you not to surprise me. I don't like surprises."
"You don't say?"
"Oh, shut up, Meathead."
"Oh, Meathead is it now? I thought we were back on first name terms?"
"Neal!"
"Sorry! Sheesh. Anyways, did you see the girl in the practice yards today?"
Kel gave him a look. "I had better things to do than stand around gawking at some trumped up court lady—you know, like warming up myself. You know, you really ought to try it sometime. Before a tournament, it can prove quite useful."
"Oh, cut the crap, Kel. I did warm up…"
She raised an eyebrow.
"Ok, so maybe not as much as I usually do, but come on, Kel! It was a girl! Here in the yards! We don't get to see that every…oh. Hey! Kel! Kel, come back! Aw, come on, I didn't mean it that way…"
**
Mary Sue gave the tiniest of smiles to each of her admirers. This should be—interesting, she thought with a smirk as she carefully strung her bow. The official had given her a strange look when she had requested the huge longbow, but really, she didn't feel comfortable with anything smaller. She glanced down the line of her competitors, and caught sight of another female face: Veralidaine, the wildmage, she thought. Daine gave her a friendly smile which she returned gladly, ever eager to brighten someone's day.
"All right, men—er—and women—find your mark."
Mary Sue selected a thin, light arrow and carefully notched it. Narrowing her eyes, she pulled it back towards her ear, sapphire eyes focused on the very center of the target.
"And—shoot!"
She let loose, admiring the slight whistling noise it made. She closed her eyes and opened them to see her arrow deeply embedded in the bullseye. A hushed silence came over the crowd and her competitors.
"Oh—" she giggled—"It was nothing, really…"
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Ok, so maybe it was just her knack for archery…but there's more to come, hopefully soon(er, at any rate). The more reviews I get, the more reason I have to update…go and motivate me. I have to warn you, though, I have two chapters of other fics to beta before I can get the next chapter up. It shouldn't take me too much longer, though, so you hopefully won't have to wait *too* long…oh, and read Cobweb's "Life's Surprises," which I'm beta-ing, and which is a pretty good little fic. After you review, that is…