Girly Fanfic
By Brett-any McLean
(Author swoons thinking about all the potential bishies and piratey things and wizardy things he- I mean, she could put in this most girly fic)
Okay, okay, okay...
Okay.
So there's this school that teaches bishie kids how to be pirates... and wizards... Pirate-wizards! Yeah! And also ninjas! Bishie-pirate-wizard-ninjas!
Okay, so there's this school right? And it's called... Hog... Hog... Woghorts! Yeah. Woghorts.
No, wait, Dogshorts! That's even better. Okay, there's this school called Dogshorts, except it's not a school, it's a pirate ship! Yeah, a pirate ship that's really, really, really, really, really, really, really... BIG! And it's floating in a really big watery place called the Fablantic Ocean. It's so big that you can't see any land anywhere.
Anyways.
On the Dogshorts ship-like school (or is it a school-like ship?), there were four cabins. These were Birdydor, Snakerin', Marshypuff, and RavinCloths.
Each of these cabins consisted of up to, and including, one member each (the student to teacher ratio was very good as Dogshorts was a very expensive private shipschool (which will henceforth be known as a shool (hey look, brackets inside of brackets inside of brackets))).
In Birdydor, was Larry Hotter, whom was hotter than anybody else on the shool. Snakerin' consisted of Jaques Pigeon, who had beads in his beard, and was always scented a bit like rum. The lone member of Marshypuff was Hermoyne (pronounced Her-moy-oh-n$ee). The $ is silent. In RavinCloths was Bill Turny. He liked things that spun around.
These characters will not be described to avoid lawsuit and unnecessary writing effort on the part of the author.
The shool was run and served by small, furry, white creatures that had no magical, pirateal, or ninjical powers. These were called Moogles. The Moogles were a very tolerant creature, which made them fun to abuse. (Author's Note: ;D)
One day, the limited number of students were in some room on the ship taking a lesson on something from some teacher. I think her name was Miss He-man. Yeah, sure. Why not?
Miss He-man was teaching them swishbuckling. "...and then through the loop, like so" she instructed "and then the buckle clasps together like so. If you performed it correctly, you should hear a swishing sound." The students were grateful for Miss He-man's lesson, as they had been walking around with their pants around their respective ankles for the first three months they had been at Dogshorts.
"And remember," she added "if you do not hear the swish tone, you have performed the incantation incorrectly. Now, who can recite that spell for me?"
Larry Hotter raised his hand, causing sweat to pour from his armpits. They smelled like Louis Anderson, host of Family Feud.
"Yes, Larry."
"Miss He-man, the incantation is as follows: Up, Down, Left, Right, A, B, A, B, then, while holding Select, press Up, Right, A, then B."
"Very good Larry. Five points for Gryffindor. Eep! I mean-"
Just then Suemaster Sue from the heavens above struck Miss He-man down with a raging bolt of lightning. It cost 6 MP.
This caused Miss He-man to lose 9999 HP. She faded into nothingness. Larry and Party collected 271 Gil and Max Kotex x1.
Later that day, Larry was on the deck of the shool, when he came across a drunken, unshaven man with a white beard slumped against the railing. "K4n u sp4r3 SUm ch4ng3?" he asked. Larry knew he was not an educated man by any means, as he spoke as though he originated from the internet. "And who might you be?" inquired Larry, inquiringly. "WTF? IMA P5mb#3P0r!" screamed the strange man. Larry was very frightened by this, and ran away screaming incoherently, something about a Caps Lock, I believe.
Larry immediately went to seek Bill Turny, who was mesmerized with a yo-yo.
"Bill! Who is that strange man out there?" asked Larry.
"Don't you ever knock, Birdydor?" snarled Bill, who was angry at Larry for interrupting his private spinny time.
"Sorry Bill." replied Larry "Whew! Is it hot in here?"
"No, it's just you. Remember? You're Larry Hotter?" snapped Bill.
(Author's Note: In some cultures, this joke would have been funny.)
Sweat continued to drip from every possible orifice of Larry's overweight sack of fat he called a body.
"That's the Dumbledork, idiot." sneered Bill, "you and him would get along just fine. Hygiene-wise, anyways."
Larry left, and ventured out to the poop deck. Once there, he found that his shoes became very sticky. He casually noted that the deck now, contrary to his memory, was made of fecal matter.
In the center of the mess he saw Jaques Pigeon.
"Sacre bleu! Le crap diem! No es buenos!" he cried. Interestingly, French was Jaques' first language.
Larry suspected that Jaques had cast Littricus again, which takes any given phrase or metaphor, and causes it to happen in the most literal sense possible.
A quick observation told Larry that Jaques had already tried everything available in his simple level of thought processing to remedy the situation. Stuck in the thick layer of... (Author's Note: Ugh.) crap, in front of Jaques, was a pirate sword, a shuriken and a magic wand.
Larry cast Dispel, by pressing Up, Up, Down, Down, A, B, Select, rotating both analog sticks 1080°, L, R, X, Circle, Triangle, Square, L1, R1, L2, R2, Back, Start and then spanking a chicken. Most of these buttons were on a Dance Dance Revolution style dance pad always located very conveniently under Larry's feet. The chicken required improvisation at times.
The pile of feces immediately morphed back into its original form of a wooden deck (unfortunately, the smell remained).
"Domo arigato! Monsieur Roboto!" called Jaques, as Larry began to walk back to his cabin. I will be able to die a happy man, thought Larry, the day I figure out what country that guy's from.
Jaques began to run after him, nearly falling flat on his face, having not realized that his feet were rooted into the deck as far up as his ankles.
Jaques tried to call after Larry in an unmistakably British accent: "Larry, old chap, might I trouble you for a pinch longer? I fret that I may be late for tea time if I remain in this wooden bondage. Larry, young lad? Where have you gone off to?"
But Larry was out of earshot range. That's not to say he wouldn't have kept walking if he had heard Jaques' pleas for help.
The next day, Larry found Jaques leaning against the shool's railing, similar to where he had found the Dumbledork the day before.
(Author's Note: Most of the creepy things in this fic happen near the railing. leans obnoxiously close to the reader> Let's watch, shall we? you only agree so that I will remove myself from your personal bubble>)
Jaques was reading the Dogshorts Tridaily, the official newsletter of Dogshorts Shool. Nobody is ever entirely sure where it comes from, or who publishes it; it's just there. Larry feels it is an inconvenient use of printing supplies, as there are only about 10 people on the shool that could potentially read it, seeing as how the Moogles can't read.
Jaques had his eye (only one eye, he lost the other eye in a riot at a Checkers Tournament) on a particular column in the personals. It read as follows:
If you like Pina Colodas,
And getting caught in the rain,
If you're not into yoga,
If you have half a brain,
If you like making love at midnight,
In the dunes of the cape,
Then I'm the love that you look for,
Write to me and escape.
"Zounds like ah feisty young zing, this girl" commented Jaques "I zink I shood make zee reply, noh?"
Larry had a discouraged look on his face. Kind of like this: -.-'
"Jaques, with Miss He-man gone, there's only one female on this whole shool that it COULD be." noted Larry, with a look of great notingness in his eyes.
Just then, Hermoyne appeared behind them, which is interesting, because they were leaning against the railing, with their backs to the Fablantic Ocean.
"Hey guys, remember that I'm in this story too" whined Hermoyne.
"Go azay Huhmynee," said Jaques "you don't even have ze last name!"
"Well, I got my 10 seconds in the spotlight." shrugged Hermoyne (Author's Note: Hermoyne is able to speak by moving her shoulders), as she walked away.
Jaques began to write his reply to the personal ad on a piece of paper. Paper is shaped... it's kind of hard to explain, it's like a square, but it's kind of longer one way. Here, I'll draw you a picture:
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
¦----------------¦
Figure 1.3
If you look at Figure 1.3, you will notice that there was no Figure 1.2. I'm like that; sometimes my brain sort of hiccups, and I skip a beat... or a stop sign. It's generally bad when that happens.
Suddenly(!!!), the sky darkened, and a big scary looking thing (make up your own details) floated out from the stern (or maybe the bow), of the ship and landed in front of Larry and Jaques.
He was dressed in tight ninja pants, a pirate vest, and a wizard hat. A really dorky hat too; kind of like the one Mickey wore in Fantasia.
"Larry Hotter! I have come for you!" shouted this demon of a beast of a fiend of a hellion of a malignant spirit of a monster of a rogue of a villain of a brute of a creature. He extended his finger, pointing towards Larry. Larry noticed that his cuticles were given meticulous attention.
"My name is Lord Mindymork!" the man announced. Larry suggested that he should speak what he wishes to communicate, while excluding the projection of saliva.
"Enough nonsense!" exclaimed Mindymork, with another implied exclamation mark, "I am here, Larry Hotter, because on your neck, you bear the mark of Seuss, God of Vowel-Chime."
Larry looked at his neck (somehow). This is what he saw:
S
Larry was quite perplexed by this entire situation. Who was this strange man inquiring about his birthmark? ("No," Larry insists, "it was not a souvenir tattoo from that crazy weekend in Tijuana.") What would he want with a chubby porker of a kid who was only enrolled in this school because his mom thought it was an exercise program? Most importantly, how did this Mindymork keep his ninja pants their blackest? Larry had tried all of the Detergent Class spells available to his knowledge: Allendo, Gainicis, Tideru, Sunshinaga; even Cheerblast! And none of them compared to the superior quality of this man's pant fabric.
"I need a piece of vital information from you Larry." said Mindymork, forming his second sentence in a row that didn't end with an exclamation mark, "Information so very important, that my reputation as a wizardy-piratey-ninjaic-type person depends on it!"
"And what would that be?" asked Larry.
Mindymork leaned close to Larry's face. So close that Larry could smell the day-old Lunchables on his breath. So close that he could see his nostrils flaring at a rate of 5 cycles per second. So close that Larry could see into his eyes... and his soul - it was a very mooshy soul.
Mindymork felt that the scene had accumulated enough suspense, and finally asked his question.
"You have got to tell me where you got that tattoo!" shrieked Mindymork. "It's like, so cool!"
Ignoring that it wasn't really a question, because it didn't end with a question mark, Larry looked away. "It's not a tattoo. It's a birthmark." he said.
Mindymork pushed him playfully. "Oh, shut up girlfriend! I'm gonna find you out sooner or later, then that tat is muh-ine!"
Lord Mindymork then floated away, to somewhere. That you can't see. From the shool. Shut up, I'm not a writer, okay?
"What ay weerd guye."
Larry nearly jumped out of his footsie pajamas (it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon, but he had yet to get dressed).
"What? Deed ju furgeet I wuz standeeng heere?" asked Jaques.
"N-no! I wasn't scared!" stammered Larry.
Larry stared at Jaques' beard. He couldn't stand those stupid beads he wore in the rat-like hair on his chin. In one swift motion, Larry grabbed Jaques' beard and pulled it right off!
"ZE YEEEEEEEEEEEEOW!!!"
That evening, they had supper. Like they always do. Every night.
The four students were seated at a table long enough to seat a hundred. To make full use of the table's length, Larry and Hermoyne sat on one end, facing each other, while Jaques and Bill sat on the opposite end. Communication was rather difficult.
Tonight, they were served Moogbrew. It supposedly granted 3 MagPow, but as Larry commented, -2 in Deliciousness.
Mug, the clumsy Moogle had fallen whilst carrying the first round of stew. He landed face first in the mess, burning himself horribly, much to the delight of Jaques and Bill. "Silly Moogle." they teased. Mug stood himself back up, and not quite understanding what had just taken place, scurried back to the kitchen.
"So tell me Hermoyne," Larry broke the silence, "why is it that you have no last name?"
Without a moment's hesitation, she replied "Why is it that you sweat so profusely out of every orifice during every second of every day?".
Instead of taking her response as constructive criticism, or at least taking note that her observation closely resembled that of Bill's, Larry turned towards Jaques, who was seemingly miles away.
"HEY JACKO!" he yelled, "IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST ME?"
Jaques responded, "HAHA! AH, OUI, OUI MONSIEUR. I AM NOT, HOW YOU ZAY, FALLING FOR ZAT! HAHA! I'M SORRY, BUT I AM NOT LIKE ZEE GAYE!"
(Authors Note: The Author who always capitalizes his title and refers to himself in 3rd person, has decided that this dinner scene has no real significance to the plot (do any of the scenes?) and that it shall be ended immediately)
During their next class (there is no schedule; they are just warped to the proper room when the Ninja/Pirate/Wizard teacher decides to give the lesson (yes, even if they're on the toilet (loo))), the reader forgot how the sentence started due to the long bracketed interlude. So I shall start again.
During their next class, the students of Dogshorts Academy for the Misfits of our Modern Intellectual Terraformation (DAMMIT), were studying Ninja Ethics. In particular, The Code of the Ninja. It reads as follows:
The way of the ninja is a sacred tradition
Passed down through generations of Drunken Masters
The ninja is the administrator of justice
Kicking the arse of those who stand in their way
Especially John, from Liquor Mart
I told you man, I left my ID at home!
The ninja must not abuse his power
And help others in need
Unless those in need, are really old
In which case, the ninja is not to be bothered
The ninja does not like to be confused with the samurai
He cannot be held responsible,
For the actions of his blade
This is truly, the way of the ninja
"Are there any questions regarding Ninja Ethics?" asked their professor, Mr. Harakiri.
Larry raised his hand. Ew. More armpit sweat.
"Hai! Larry-San!" answered Mr. Harakiri.
"What is the proper procedure in avenging the death of a comrade?" he asked.
"No, Larry-San, not 'comrade', co-ninju." corrected Mr. Harakiri.
"But I'm not Jewish." protested Larry.
"Oy!-san." said Harakiri, smacking himself in the forehead.
Jaques raised his hand. No, wait, he was just holding onto an anti-gravity scroll.
Hermoyne raised her hand.
"Hai! Hermoyne-San!" answered Mr. Harakiri.
"Did they really need to make more than one season of The Bachelor?" asked Hermoyne.
Mr. Harakiri rolled his eyes. "Ninja questions only!" he snapped.
Bill didn't raise his hand. He just spoke. "Can we play with those sharp spinny things again?"
"You mean the shuriken?" asked Mr. Harakiri.
"Yeah," replied Bill "Show, me the suzykins, or whatever they are."
Mr. Harakiri smirked. "Very well..." he said. He then enchanted three shurikens, and skillfully tossed them at Bill.
They stopped a few feet short of Bill Turny's face, remaining in midair, still spinning.
Spinning, spinning... all the while, they were spinning...
"Ooohh... Spinny..." mumbled Bill, mesmerized.
The three ninjical discs remained spinning in midair, never changing speed or direction. Then, there was a strange glint of light emitting from one of the blades. Perhaps... it was being reflected from another light source, thought Bill. Perhaps... daylight.
Daylight!? Yes, it was true, Bill had stood there watching the spinning shurikens the entire night!
"I'd better get back to my cabin!" exclaimed Bill.
But he could not take eyes off of this wonderful display of rotation.
So beautiful... so spinny... I must feel them... one little touch couldn't hurt anything...
Bill slowly reached out. Slowly. Slowly... Slow...ly S...low...ly... S...l...o...w...l...y...
VREEEEEEEEEE! Plop.
And that, was the last day that Bill could ever brag about his opposable thumbs.
The next day (oh, wait, it was morning, so...) Later that day, Larry was wandering aimlessly (meaning "to wander without aim") in the lower deck when he caught the trace of a strange odor. In true bloodhound fashion, Larry followed the scent with his nose a mere 2 inches above the ground, ramming his head into several posts along the way. When he looked up he realized he had found the source of this most cheesy stench.
It was the Dumbledork, slumped in a corner! Yes! This development in the story did deserve its own paragraph!
"Hello, again." said Larry, apparently awakening the Dumbledork from a slumber (Larry didn't realize this, as the Dumbledork's eyelid fat slumped over his eyes at all times, so nobody could really tell if they were open or not).
The Dumbledork did not seem bothered by this awakening. In fact, he found Larry's accent (which was decidedly British) to be hilarious. He was now rolling on the floor making some sort of sound that resembled laughing. Larry thought it sounded like he was saying "roffelmayoh roffelmayoh roffelmayoh". It sounded like he was trying to pronounce an acronym that wasn't meant to be spoken, but it was most likely just gibberish.
Suddenly, the Dumbledork disappearated, leaving behind the thick odor of vinegar. On the floor where the Dumbledork had been sitting, was a copy of the Dogshorts Tridaily. Larry picked up, trying to avoid touching some rather suspicious stains on the page.
In the personals, he found a response to Hermoyne's personal ad. It read as follows:
Yes I like Pina Coladas,
And getting caught in the rain,
I'm not much into health food,
I am into champagne,
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon,
And cut through all this red tape,
At a bar called O'Malley's,
Where we'll plan our escape.
"Now I wonder who could have possibly written that response." Larry wondered aloud.
Then, in an all-too-familiar voice came a response to Larry's question: "What are you, stupid? It's obviously that idiot Jaques."
Larry whipped around (which made a very pleasing WAPEESH! sound) to find a mirror that was labelled (with a PostIt™ note) as the Mirror of Arrogsaid.
In the mirror, Larry saw a reflection of himself moving under its own accord, with one key difference: his reflection had a unibrow. Not just any unibrow; it was the thickest, bushiest, and straggliest (Author's Note: is that a word?) unibrow Larry had ever seen. Because of this, Larry dubbed his reflection Uni-me.
"Well? Who else did you think it could be?" his reflection continued "Wasn't he the idiot interested in Hermoyne's ad? Or are you too dense to remember 3 days ago?"
Larry stared at Uni-me's unsightly unibrow (Author's Note: Try saying that 3,514 times fast) and began to feel between his own eyebrows.
Much to Larry's dislike, his reflective doppelganger began to speak again. "Yeah, you like that?" he said "A lot cooler than that thing that other idiot has carved in his head. What's his face ... oh yeah, Harry Pott- AHHH!"
At that moment, a streak of intense light sent by Suemaster Sue struck the mirror. It was, however, reflected into a nearby chest causing a massive explosion and sending several old bottles of pirate rum shrieking (yes, they could yell) toward the mirror of Arrogsaid.
CRASH!!!
The mirror had shattered into 1,249 separate pieces and fell (because gravity was still in effect) to the floor.
"7 years bad luck!?" whined Larry, "Now I'll never get a girlfriend!"
While Suemaster Sue indirectly broke the mirror, it was Larry that had helped smuggle that pirate rum aboard the shool in the first place.
Suddenly, the reflective glass pieces began to glow and move toward a central gathering point. They morphed into a small, black, fuzzy object on the ground.
Larry recognized it at once. It was that awful unibrow! Larry pocketed it quickly and ran out of the room.
(Author's Note: Due to a severe loss in ambition for writing this story, the Author will now jump to the climax which takes place... later.)
This was it, it was everything or nothing now. Dark, ominous clouds surrounded the main deck of the shool where Larry Hotter, Jaques Pigeon, Bill Turny and Hermoyne stood in a line facing the most evil being in existence - even more evil than Raffi - Lord Mindymork.
Larry looked to his left. There he saw Bill Turny standing defiantly, shadowed only by the clouds that loomed overhead and his desire for a clean pair of pirate/ninja/wizard pants.
To his right, Larry saw Jaques and Hermoyne standing as rigidly as Bill had been, except that they were holding glasses of what appeared to be some type of potion. Wait a minute, those look more like... are those Pina Coladas?
Lord Mindymork spoke in a high-pitched voice, not unlike Anna Nicole Smith when she's drunk on helium: "Fools! Do you really think you can stop me?"
"You haven't really said what you're planning to do. Now would be the part of the story to do so." noted Larry.
"Ahem, yes, very well. First I plan on taking over Dogshorts, then the Fablantic Ocean-"
"The gayest ocean in the world, I might add." um, added Jaques. No wait, we'll give this line to Hermoyne. Gotta be an equal opportunity author, y'know. Fine, Hermoyne said that.
"As I was saying, Dogshorts, Fablantic Ocean, the local KFC, and then the WORLD!!!" scowled Mindymork.
"You'll never get away with it!" shouted Bill.
Mindymork raised his wand and conjured up a Frisbee and tossed it over the rail of the shool.
"Spinny!" exclaimed Bill Turny, and he jumped over the rail after it.
"Well there goes that." said Larry.
"I weel stop zim!" yelled Jaques.
"Jaques! No!" yelled Hermoyne, as Jaques raised his wand.
"Why don't you can it, escargot!?" shouted Jaques (Author's Note: Trust me, this is a very popular French saying.)
It had, at that very moment, become apparent that Jaques had cast Littricus again. Where Hermoyne had been standing now stood a human-size tin can with a picture of a smiling snail on the side.
Realizing what he had done, Jaques muttered, "Ah, nuts".
The smiling snail faded into a smiling peanut.
"Ah, non!" shouted Jaques. "What 'ave I doon? I dunt dizzurve to leaf!"
Jaques quickly transmorgificistized into a green leaf, and blew away on a sudden gust of wind.
"Lol! It would seem that I didn't have to deal with your friends after all Mister Hotter" snickered Mindymork.
"You monster!" shouted Larry.
As Larry's rage peaked, the mark of Vowel-Chime on his neck began to glow. As though possessed by Seuss himself, Larry began spitting out non-sensical lyrics:
You will never take over the shool!
I won't allow it. It's just not cool!
Lord Mindymork!
I'll stop you where you stand!
Stab you with my salad fork!
You'll never make it back to land!
I should take you right now.
Icould, and I should.
Hiiii-ya! Arrrr! Ka-pow!
That's finger lickin' good!
You're the worst of the worst!
Worse than Carrot-Top and mimes!
I can see it now.
My curse is not a curse.
Instead it is a gift.
The gift of Vowel-Chime!
Then, something shiny, and pretty happened. Larry's hands began glowing.
He knew then, what he had to do. He reached into his pocket and pulled out that awful unibrow he had picked up from Uni-me.
The brow began glowing as well and slowly morphed into a glittering ninja star.
All of this took place over a considerable amount of time, but seeing as how, like all of us, Mindymork was fascinated by shiny thingies, he was unable to act.
Larry's hand had stopped glowing, as had the furry ninja star. The mark on his neck had faded away and been replaced by red sloppy handwriting that read "I got smashed in Tijuana and all I got was this lousy tattoo".
"Mindymork! Your reign has come to an end!" yelled Larry and he tossed his furry Uni-star at Mindymork in true girly limp-wristed fashion.
Luckily, the star contained a homing device and flew, self propelled, towards Mindymork.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." Mindymork took a deep breath "...oooooooooooo!"
The star ripped through Mindymork's body like Michael Moore through George W. Bush's administration or like Michael Moore through a bucket of chicken wings. (KFC is paying me for product placement, in case you haven't noticed)
All that was left of Mindymork now was shreds of his clothing and his disembodied head.
"Well this is going to be a setback" noted Mindymork.
Just then, Mindymork began grunting like a bunged-up Oprah Winfrey. Seconds later, 8 furry legs popped out from his neck. He began scuttling around in feeble announcement that he was once again mobile.
"Hah. What are you going to do now, little Morky?" teased Larry.
Mindymork then began sucking in massive amounts of air. Within 5 seconds, he had inflated himself to twice the size of Larry.
"Oh, Moogle droppings" muttered Larry.
"Your lard is hard Larry, but I'm full of hot air," boomed Mindymork in a slightly deeper voice, "Now let's see how you fare!"
He lunged at Larry, grabbing him between his front two fuzzy pincers.
"Nuh!" grunted Larry as Mindymork squeezed him between his forceps. As everything began to go dark, Larry could see a large shadow growing larger, and darker on Mindymork's oversized face, which now had an expression of fear, or at least an expression of "oh, crap". The last thing Larry heard was the great cry of "H3r3 1 c0m3 t0 s4v3 th3 d4y!"
When Larry awoke after a short time, he saw the Dumbledork pinning Mindymork's spidery legs by, how else, sitting on them. "S4y by3-by3 M1ndym0rk!" announced the Dumbledork.
"Wait... you can't kill me... without killing Larry" wheezed Mindymork.
"Yeah? Says who? Nobody made that rule anywhere in the story" said Larry.
"Well, I'm making it right now" Mindymork stated confidently.
"Nope, sorry. It had to be done before." said Larry.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
"Blast! You tricked me!" screeched Mindymork.
(Author's Note: Sorry Mindymork, there's no such rule here. You must be thinking of Harry Pott- Oh Crap!)
(Author gets blasted by Suemaster Sue)
(Lacking story remains unfinished; determined readers cheer)