Birth
Wha-what is happening, something is pushing me down, and everything is so dark. The light, I must go towards the light.
"Push, push!"
Who said that, how can I push, I can't even move! Wait, I'm, I'm getting closer to the light! Closer, closer, just a couple more inches, yes!
"Congratulations Mrs. Potter, It's a girl!"
What! Where am I!? I can't see anything, it's too bright. Who's touching me- AHHHHH!
"What did you do that for?"
"I'm sorry Mrs. Potter, but it's a common practice to slap the infant's rear when it doesn't scream."
"You mean it's not normal for the baby to born without a sound?"
"Oh, don't worry, she's fine now, here take her."
"Aw, look at you, so cute, you look just like Harry"
Nooooooooooooooooooooo. Those bastards, how could they do this to me? If I turn out to be a Pothead clone I'll kill myself! What kind of husband is he anyway, wasn't even here during the birth. It doesn't matter anyway I'll tell Granger and this whole mess will be cleared up. "Grooo gha ahm snaaaaak" damn forgot I don't have any teeth, I'll try again. "Har thsss ma" that didn't even make any sense! Hey! Get away, stop kissing me, bloody hell, my arms aren't strong enough to hit her.
"Aww, look she's smiling, is she trying to play with me?" Get thee back you daft woman, I'm sneering, Severus Snape does not smile, ever! Get away, away! Argh, arms so tired, so sleepy, no, must keep fighting. Maybe if I rest my eyes for just a while.
----------------------
Hello, as you may have already guessed I am Severus Snape, at least I used to be before those bloody bastards ruined my afterlife. Anyway I was reincarnated as Granger's baby or rather Mrs. Potter's baby, but that doesn't really matter, what matters is that I'm being force fed breast milk. You cannot possibly imagine the horror, but you can try; right so here I am minding my own business, then suddenly the she-beast grabs me from my crib and shoves her ugly brown nipples down my throat. Is that fair?! I tell you, is that fair?! No grown man should have to endure what I have gone through in these past days. I cannot walk, I cannot talk, my days are filled with pooping, drinking (breast milk, yuck), and puking. Do you know how humiliating it is to be diapered; I can't even control my bladder! There is a good thing though; Potter still didn't show up, he'd probably be a bad father. Maybe when I grow up, I can write a stinging expose and humiliate him. Ah, there sucked it dry, hah beat you this time, shit she's switching breasts, damn it woman, do you want me to puke?!!
----------------------
Well Potter did show up eventually, turns out he was in a coma of some sort, still that's no excuse for missing my birth. It's been about five months now, I still can't speak, but I practice when my "parents" aren't around bothering me, which is not a lot. Oh, and you'll never guess what they named me; Hero, yes that's right Hero, at first I thought they were taking the savior of the world thing a bit too far, but turns out it's a tradition in Granger's family to name their children after Shakespearean characters. Personally, I've never heard of such a name, but it is better than Sirius, Potter wanted make it my second name in honor of that idiot, thankfully Granger stepped in and took charge, and ironically gave me a second name; Severus. Now my full name stands as Hero Severus Granger Potter, long isn't it, I hate it, it's bad enough that I had that name once, but twice, don't they know that they're dooming me to be a laughing stock from the start? But it doesn't really matter I guess, between Hermoine and Potter's hair; I never really had a chance, I mean a choice between having hair that seemed to defy gravity or looking like a werewolf. Oh shit, I have diarrhea. Hah! Potter is running around panicked, it would be a lot funnier if the fumes weren't choking me too, "Cough, cough."
----------------------
Author's Notes: I would like to thank you guys for the reviews, I would love it, if you guys could help me improve my writing. Thank you.