Part 13: PERSONAL RESOLVES AND LIFELONG REGRETS
1998
Logan Home
"So, what did they do after that?" Sean asked.
"Well, my grammy was so distraught over what had happened that kept a safe distance from my grandpa who became so frustrated with himself for lacking self-control and with her resolve to not repeat their attempted fornication that he began working more diligently on his tobacco crop and taking odd jobs to establish himself, so that they could go away and marry."
"So, when were they able to get married?"
"Well it was not too long after that time."
"Why didn't they just get married in Lexington and live with his father Ned, until they could get on their feet or something?"
Grandpa feeling that Sean was getting too close for comfort shrugged it off. "Oh who knows why people did a lot of things back in them days, boy. Things were different then and maybe they were ashamed because of what they did and decided to get married where no one would see them and ask a lot of questions. Then too you have to remember that your grandpa Sean was estranged from the family at the time." Now he gets frustrated, "Ooh there were a lot of reasons boy. It's hard to pinpoint one thing. Why you wanna know everything anyway, some things we don't need to know."
"Yea, I see what you mean grandpa, but I think we should know all about where we came from. That way we can understand ourselves and the things we do sometimes." As Sean spoke he remembered the conversation he had with Elana years before about her getting to know where she came from. Now after having this conversation with his grandfather he could understand what she meant. The story about his great, great grandparents rung familiar to what had happened to him and Elana on his first Spring Break from Harvard, almost 13 years ago.
Even though he was intrigued with the history of his family, he remembered that he had to get together with Sheridan that night. Soon he would ask grandpa to tell him more. "I gotta go grandpa. I need to go pick up Sheridan, we're going out to dinner tonight. I'll be here all weekend, so I want us to get together again so we can talk and you can tell me more about my great, great grandparents."
Grandpa, recognizing Sean's all too familiar look of indifference toward the woman he'd just spoken of said, "You still with that upiddy Winthrop gal. She's been running after you since high school ain't she. What's keeping you from marrying her?"
"Grandpa, Sheridan and I have an understanding. Eventually we'll get married. We're just not in a hurry."
"Seems to me you're the one not in a hurry. When a man loves a woman he'll get married on a roof and women always want to get married, especially if they got a good Logan man. If you're anything like your great, great grandpa women was practically throwing themselves at him, but when he realized he loved your great, great grandma he was like a madman trying to claim her for himself. Seems you don't feel that way about your Winthrop woman."
"Sheridan and I get along grandpa. She's beautiful and she'll make a good wife someday. I'm not looking for the kind of love you're talking about like your grandfather had. I had that once, but I was foolish and let her get away from me and now I know I'll never have that again." Sean lamented, referring to Elana and grandpa picked up on his meaning.
"You talkin' about that colored gal you use to be running around with. That Powers girl? She ran out on you?" Grandpa's Alzheimer's was kicking in and he asked this not remembering that Sean had told him about it years ago.
"Yeah, the letter she wrote said she couldn't handle an interracial relationship and that she didn't want her children to be looked down on and put in a position of choosing their color." As Sean recalled the letter a lump formed in his throat.
"Wrote you a letter, huh. She couldn't even face you to tell you?"
"No, I guess she knew I wouldn't let her just walk out on me like that, so she probably thought the letter was best." Remembering that the letter was the last he had heard of Elana and that now he would be in her presence in less than 72 hours caused a tear to form in his eye. He knew that he had to do everything possible to avoid her and was relieved that his father would be meeting with her on Monday morning. He could see that just the mention of her name brought back the same pain he felt 9 years earlier and he knew that seeing her would not lessen it.
"If you ask me, she probably couldn't face you because she knew she couldn't tell you in person for the same reason."
"You mean she didn't want me stopping her?"
"No, I mean she didn't want to stop herself. Any woman who don't want a man usually don't have a problem telling him so to his face."
"So what are you saying grandpa, she didn't want to write that letter?"
"You figure it out for yourself boy, you're a grown man and have had experience with women, I guess, so you should be able to answer that one. It's for the best anyway. Being with a colored woman can make your life hard. People wouldn't like to see a good looking, wealthy and bright Irish boy like yourself hooked up with no colored woman. It would make things hard for you in business and all. I don't think the stockholders would look too lightly on colored children running around the office like you used to do when you were a boy."
"Well, things are a little different now from when you were coming up grandpa. Prejudice is still rampant, but interracial couples are becoming more common. But I don't know why we're talking about this. It doesn't matter anymore anyway. I'm resigned to marry Sheridan soon and let you see your first great grandchild so you know I'm carrying on our legacy." Sean stood up as he mentioned Sheridan, reached over and kissed his grandpa on his head. "I'll talk to you some more tomorrow, ok?"
"OK, son. I'll be here." Grandpa William watched his grandson as he walked out of the room and could tell that he was not happy. He could not help but see that he still loved the Power's girl, but was willing to settle and carry on with his life. Grandpa William wondered how much he had played a part in his grandson's resolve to let the colored woman go. He remembered how bitter he had been over his grandfather not being able to run for governor because of his colored wife. He also remembered the stories about their flight to Connecticut, where his grandfather had to separate from his family, after people down south found out about his Irish grandfather and his colored grandmother being married and having twin boys. Evidently his great aunt Lexie had taken the baby boys into town one day when she was babysitting. She so much wanted everyone to see how beautiful her nephews were, but was careful and told everyone that they were children of a visiting mulatto couple from up North. Unfortunately, Georgina was in the store and noticed that the boys had Sean's eyes and Marita's auburn hair and round face. She quickly put two and two together realizing that she hadn't seen Marita for months in town and that Sean at 28 still had not taken a wife, which was odd in those times. Georgina had seen too many mixed couples and their babies in Paris to know that these boys were not from two mulatto parents, but were the result of a black woman and a white man.
After that, rumors spread quickly and Sean felt it was best if he moved his little family to Connecticut, where interracial marriage was legal and segregation was not enforced. Grandpa William was resentful because he was never close to his great aunts and uncle and he only saw his great grandfather Ned once before he died. Grandpa at one time for the better part of his life had felt cheated out of part of his heritage because of his grandmother. Fortunately, old age softened the old man's heart when he remembered his father telling him that his grandfather was never unhappy unless grammy Marita had to be away from home.
Grandpa William now knew that he or his family would not have been any better people if his grandmother had been white, and he realized that his grandfather had truly carried on the Logan legacy of unconditional love and willingness to defy what is wrong and fight for what is right regardless of the odds. He knew that this is the part of the legacy that he had not taught his family and wondered if he would be damned for it at his death. He had seen the suffering of his grandson throughout the years because of his and his son's adamantly persuading him to not continue the relationship with the Powers girl, and when it finally ended he saw his grandson seep into a passive state of a man not willing to put too much effort into anything that he felt strongly about. This thought pained grandpa and he knew that sooner or later before he crossed over he would have to reveal what he had hidden all of his life so that his grandson could go back to being the man he almost was: a true Logan who loves unconditionally and has great passion for what he believes in. Grandpa rested on that thought and slumbered throughout the night dreaming about his childhood and his sweet grammy Marita.
1998
Logan Home
"So, what did they do after that?" Sean asked.
"Well, my grammy was so distraught over what had happened that kept a safe distance from my grandpa who became so frustrated with himself for lacking self-control and with her resolve to not repeat their attempted fornication that he began working more diligently on his tobacco crop and taking odd jobs to establish himself, so that they could go away and marry."
"So, when were they able to get married?"
"Well it was not too long after that time."
"Why didn't they just get married in Lexington and live with his father Ned, until they could get on their feet or something?"
Grandpa feeling that Sean was getting too close for comfort shrugged it off. "Oh who knows why people did a lot of things back in them days, boy. Things were different then and maybe they were ashamed because of what they did and decided to get married where no one would see them and ask a lot of questions. Then too you have to remember that your grandpa Sean was estranged from the family at the time." Now he gets frustrated, "Ooh there were a lot of reasons boy. It's hard to pinpoint one thing. Why you wanna know everything anyway, some things we don't need to know."
"Yea, I see what you mean grandpa, but I think we should know all about where we came from. That way we can understand ourselves and the things we do sometimes." As Sean spoke he remembered the conversation he had with Elana years before about her getting to know where she came from. Now after having this conversation with his grandfather he could understand what she meant. The story about his great, great grandparents rung familiar to what had happened to him and Elana on his first Spring Break from Harvard, almost 13 years ago.
Even though he was intrigued with the history of his family, he remembered that he had to get together with Sheridan that night. Soon he would ask grandpa to tell him more. "I gotta go grandpa. I need to go pick up Sheridan, we're going out to dinner tonight. I'll be here all weekend, so I want us to get together again so we can talk and you can tell me more about my great, great grandparents."
Grandpa, recognizing Sean's all too familiar look of indifference toward the woman he'd just spoken of said, "You still with that upiddy Winthrop gal. She's been running after you since high school ain't she. What's keeping you from marrying her?"
"Grandpa, Sheridan and I have an understanding. Eventually we'll get married. We're just not in a hurry."
"Seems to me you're the one not in a hurry. When a man loves a woman he'll get married on a roof and women always want to get married, especially if they got a good Logan man. If you're anything like your great, great grandpa women was practically throwing themselves at him, but when he realized he loved your great, great grandma he was like a madman trying to claim her for himself. Seems you don't feel that way about your Winthrop woman."
"Sheridan and I get along grandpa. She's beautiful and she'll make a good wife someday. I'm not looking for the kind of love you're talking about like your grandfather had. I had that once, but I was foolish and let her get away from me and now I know I'll never have that again." Sean lamented, referring to Elana and grandpa picked up on his meaning.
"You talkin' about that colored gal you use to be running around with. That Powers girl? She ran out on you?" Grandpa's Alzheimer's was kicking in and he asked this not remembering that Sean had told him about it years ago.
"Yeah, the letter she wrote said she couldn't handle an interracial relationship and that she didn't want her children to be looked down on and put in a position of choosing their color." As Sean recalled the letter a lump formed in his throat.
"Wrote you a letter, huh. She couldn't even face you to tell you?"
"No, I guess she knew I wouldn't let her just walk out on me like that, so she probably thought the letter was best." Remembering that the letter was the last he had heard of Elana and that now he would be in her presence in less than 72 hours caused a tear to form in his eye. He knew that he had to do everything possible to avoid her and was relieved that his father would be meeting with her on Monday morning. He could see that just the mention of her name brought back the same pain he felt 9 years earlier and he knew that seeing her would not lessen it.
"If you ask me, she probably couldn't face you because she knew she couldn't tell you in person for the same reason."
"You mean she didn't want me stopping her?"
"No, I mean she didn't want to stop herself. Any woman who don't want a man usually don't have a problem telling him so to his face."
"So what are you saying grandpa, she didn't want to write that letter?"
"You figure it out for yourself boy, you're a grown man and have had experience with women, I guess, so you should be able to answer that one. It's for the best anyway. Being with a colored woman can make your life hard. People wouldn't like to see a good looking, wealthy and bright Irish boy like yourself hooked up with no colored woman. It would make things hard for you in business and all. I don't think the stockholders would look too lightly on colored children running around the office like you used to do when you were a boy."
"Well, things are a little different now from when you were coming up grandpa. Prejudice is still rampant, but interracial couples are becoming more common. But I don't know why we're talking about this. It doesn't matter anymore anyway. I'm resigned to marry Sheridan soon and let you see your first great grandchild so you know I'm carrying on our legacy." Sean stood up as he mentioned Sheridan, reached over and kissed his grandpa on his head. "I'll talk to you some more tomorrow, ok?"
"OK, son. I'll be here." Grandpa William watched his grandson as he walked out of the room and could tell that he was not happy. He could not help but see that he still loved the Power's girl, but was willing to settle and carry on with his life. Grandpa William wondered how much he had played a part in his grandson's resolve to let the colored woman go. He remembered how bitter he had been over his grandfather not being able to run for governor because of his colored wife. He also remembered the stories about their flight to Connecticut, where his grandfather had to separate from his family, after people down south found out about his Irish grandfather and his colored grandmother being married and having twin boys. Evidently his great aunt Lexie had taken the baby boys into town one day when she was babysitting. She so much wanted everyone to see how beautiful her nephews were, but was careful and told everyone that they were children of a visiting mulatto couple from up North. Unfortunately, Georgina was in the store and noticed that the boys had Sean's eyes and Marita's auburn hair and round face. She quickly put two and two together realizing that she hadn't seen Marita for months in town and that Sean at 28 still had not taken a wife, which was odd in those times. Georgina had seen too many mixed couples and their babies in Paris to know that these boys were not from two mulatto parents, but were the result of a black woman and a white man.
After that, rumors spread quickly and Sean felt it was best if he moved his little family to Connecticut, where interracial marriage was legal and segregation was not enforced. Grandpa William was resentful because he was never close to his great aunts and uncle and he only saw his great grandfather Ned once before he died. Grandpa at one time for the better part of his life had felt cheated out of part of his heritage because of his grandmother. Fortunately, old age softened the old man's heart when he remembered his father telling him that his grandfather was never unhappy unless grammy Marita had to be away from home.
Grandpa William now knew that he or his family would not have been any better people if his grandmother had been white, and he realized that his grandfather had truly carried on the Logan legacy of unconditional love and willingness to defy what is wrong and fight for what is right regardless of the odds. He knew that this is the part of the legacy that he had not taught his family and wondered if he would be damned for it at his death. He had seen the suffering of his grandson throughout the years because of his and his son's adamantly persuading him to not continue the relationship with the Powers girl, and when it finally ended he saw his grandson seep into a passive state of a man not willing to put too much effort into anything that he felt strongly about. This thought pained grandpa and he knew that sooner or later before he crossed over he would have to reveal what he had hidden all of his life so that his grandson could go back to being the man he almost was: a true Logan who loves unconditionally and has great passion for what he believes in. Grandpa rested on that thought and slumbered throughout the night dreaming about his childhood and his sweet grammy Marita.