Firmly Tripping
Jack Sparrow tripped along violently. He was on his way to meet his lover, Rotta, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a pirate ship hopping along, carrying a boot in its mouth.
Jack was almost on a desert island when he came across a delicious cake, lying alone on a silver plate. "That must be a treat from my beloved Rotta," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked piratey and was fully glaced, so he ate it.
It gave him the most peculiar tingling sensation in his tounge. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Rotta.
When Rotta came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.
"What is it?" Sparrow cried worried with a desperate tune in his voice.
"Your chest! And your thighs!" Rotta said. "They're disgusting! Can't you feel it?"
Jack Sparrow felt his chest and his thighs. They were indeed quite disgusting. "Oh, no!" Jack said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that darn cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"
"I didn't leave you any cake," Rotta said. "I got you a pirate patch. It must have been that salsa-man who lives nearby. He has been acting a bit strange, ever since he spanked a Japanese man."
"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Jack sobbed.
"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Rotta said slowly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your chest is really beautiful like that."
"Really?" Sparrow dried her tears. He/she kissed Rotta and it was an entirely ugly sensation, like a mermaid looking for the sea shells she lost in the middle of the ocean two weeks ago.
They spent the night having entirely ugly sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.
Everything was rather awkward after that.