Saturday morning Elana awakened anxious. She felt like everything was going wrong: she could not concentrate on her work, her hair would not act right and she could not find the right thing to wear. She was really nervous and just could not get it together, but eventually she conquered her nerves and at 5:15 she was ready. She had elected to wear a midnight blue, satin, sleeveless elegant straight dress with a matching formal satin full flowing coat. She pulled her hair up allowing heavy strands to fall to one side. After a few minutes of reassuring herself that she looked ok for the night, she heard her bell ring. Taking a deep breath she went to the door. Upon opening it she and Sean faced each other almost in shock. He was standing in a pair of neat Dockers with a black turtleneck , a black suede blazer with casual shoes and she was dressed to the nines.
"Woe. You look great!" Sean exhorted as he began to come into her townhouse.
"Thank you." Elana said letting him in and closing the door behind him. "Uh, it looks like I overdressed though."
"No, you're definitely not OVER dressed." Sean said taking her by the arm and turning her around to look her over.
Elana blushed unnoticeably, "I mean too dressed up for what you may have had in mind."
Sean smiled out of the side of his mouth and answered saying "Yeah you are way too dressed for what I have on my mind." He said rubbing his chin between his fingers.
"Sean, stop it! Now if you're going to be bad maybe we can do this some other time."
"Oh, no. I plan to be good. Tonight anyway." He said. Elana tried to ignore his remark as she led him into her living room.
While they walked to the room Sean commented again on her attire. "I love that dress on you. You make it look spectacular."
"Thanks. You said a show and a nice dinner, so I presumed you meant a Broadway show and a not so shabby dinner afterwards."
"When I told you that back in college you took it to mean a movie and a nice down home cooked meal from a local restaurant or something."
"I'm sorry. I guess I assumed..."
"Assumed what? That I'd be like the other men you've been dating since you broke up with me. I guess your uptown boys have been spoiling you pretty well, huh?" He asked scanning her face for his answer.
"I would not call it spoiling. I've just gotten used to some things."
"As you should Elana." Sean said recognizing that she deserved to assume a man would always take her out to nice places. "Look I just wanted us to be able to get together and talk. I did not want to be concerned about impressing each other, at least not tonight, but if you prefer I can pick up a suit at a shop and we can go somewhere really nice. I do not care where we go, I just want us to be able to spend some time together and sort things out."
"No, Sean you don't have to do that. You're right. I can go change right quick." She said as she started to turn around.
Sean grabbed her hand, turned her around to face him and pulled her closer to him so that he could look into her brown eyes as he asked, "Need some help getting out of that dress."
Elana paused for a moment as they looked at each other and she felt her knees about to give out, which had always been her normal reaction whenever he looked at her that way. She gained her composure, somewhat, then responded as she removed her hand from his and then ran her fingers down the front of his chest. "I'll let you know if I'm having any trouble." She said with a soft smile on her face.
Sean raised his eyebrows from the sensation he felt when her hands ran down his chest and he wondered if she was finally flirting with him. He was not sure, but decided to take it as such. "Maybe I'll just come with you, so that I'll be close by if you do have any trouble."
"Humph." Was Elana's only response as she turned and went toward her bedroom to change. As she walked away she had told him to take a look around and if he wanted anything from the fridge he could help himself. While she was gone Sean took the liberty to look around. He thought Elana had done an excellent job of decorating the place with African, Expressive Art. He admired her taste and wished for a moment that this had been their place together with maybe a few kids running around. After a few minutes he sat down in the comfortable leather chair and waited. After about fifteen minutes Elana returned wearing a pair of crème colored wool slacks and a black buttoned-down boat necked, angora wool sweater that accented her perfectly formed breasts. She also had on black loafers with a one-inch block heel and her thick wavy, brown hair had been brushed out to hang to her shoulders. She also had removed her makeup and replaced it with only a lightly colored lip-gloss.
When she came back into the living room. Sean thought he felt his heart skip a beat. Elana looked really casual, and her natural beauty was more apparent than ever. He remembered seeing her at the library so many years ago and he felt warm inside just as he had then when he finally laid his eyes upon her. "You ready?"
"Yes, lead the way, kind sir." She said after she found her black wool blazer from her hall closet.
"Sean took her by the arm and they left her townhouse headed for the movie theater.
During the drive they talked some about the car.
"Sean is this the same car you had during your last year of high school?"
"Yes, it is. I have tried to keep her running and so far she has not let me down."
"Wow! That's a long time to keep a car. What's it been, 13 or 14 years? Even after you started making your own money you never got anything else?"
"Nope." He said smiling and remembering why.
"Why not?"
"I'm just a simple man Elana with simple pleasures. I had a lot of memories tied up in this car." He answered. Slightly turning his head toward her he added "Some better than others." He returned to watching the road as he continued speaking "and I've just tried to keep it around for as long as I can to kinda keep those memories alive."
Elana could not help but see his reference to their first make out session in the Spring of 1985, over 13 years now, and she tried not to react when he looked at her. She remembered that day too and she was glad that Sean thought so much of it that he would try to keep the car around all of these years. They continued on to the movies reflecting on their past.
After the movie, they both came out laughing, recalling funny points that they liked. Sean was holding onto Elana by her waist as they walked to his car and he opened the door for her then got in himself. On their way to the restaurant, they continued to talk and laugh about the movie and compare it to others they used to see together. A few minutes later Sean pulled up to "The Silver Dawn" an all night diner. "Is this ok. We can get a private booth and they stay opened all night."
"This is great, Sean. Let's go on in!" Elana felt like a young girl again. She had forgotten how much fun she and Sean had together and she was really enjoying their simple night together. She dreaded the thought of drudging up the sad part of their past and decided that she would put it off as long as possible.
Inside the diner they were seated and given their menus. Elana was nervous about their pending conversation, so she continued their discussion about the movie. Sean had become noticeably quiet just agreeing with whatever Elana said. They ordered their meals and Elana tried to start another conversation while Sean sat all the way back in his seat looking intently at her.
"So what did you do after grad school?" Elana asked trying to move to another subject to avoid the inevitable.
Sean was silent for a moment then he answered. "Right before my last year when I first received your letter I thought it was a joke. I showed Sam and was telling him how funny you could be. Then I got on the telephone to call you in Georgia, but the desk person said you had moved out. I assumed you had found a place and were planning on surprising me by coming up early. I waited a day or two for your call, but it never came. Then I got worried, so I called the admissions office and asked when you started classes. They told me that you had withdrawn, but they would not tell me where your records were sent. Then I called your house, but your father hung up on me when I asked him where you were. Finally I decided to go to Spellman and ask around about you, so I hopped on a plane at the last minute and spent the day trying to get information, but no one would cooperate. They said that I was asking confidential information and they could not give it out. That was the end of the first week."
"The next week, I put an ad in the Georgia and Connecticut papers with your picture asking if anyone knew where you were. Most people who called thought I was some sicko trying to lure women, so I dropped the ads. At the end of the 3rd week and the first week of class I went to Connecticut to confront your father. He told me that you realized you did not need to be with a white man and that you had another boyfriend and did not want anything to do with me anymore, so you changed schools. He practically threw me out of the house, and told me that he'd have me arrested for stalking if I ever came back."
"After that I just lost it. I refused to go to classes so I went home and told my father that I was not going back to school until I found you. He convinced me that you were not worth throwing away my future for if you had just abandoned me like that. Eventually I agreed with him, on the outside at least, so I went back to school. Inside I was a wreck. I had to go to school an extra semester to get my Masters because I failed most of the requirements the first go around. I knew I had to get myself together after Sam saw me staring out an open window of our apartment. The screen had been removed and it was January, cold as ice. He came in and pulled me out away from it and helped me realize that I was going crazy and that I was on the edge of doing something stupid if I did not get myself together. So after that, he spent a lot of time with me even when he finished and got his law degree he stayed with me until I finished. I guess he thought I would jump out that window if I were alone."
"After that it had been a little over a year since your letter, so I decided I needed to be with other women to forget about you. I tried my best and I went through a few of them, but after that three-year phase I still could not forget you. The next three years I engrossed myself in my work. I dated one woman inconsistently until she finally decided that she needed more of a commitment. Eventually Sheridan broke me down and I started dating her, thinking that she was so beautiful that I could find some measure of happiness with her, but I soon realized her beauty was skin deep, but I settled because I had no false hopes of ever finding someone like you. I felt that had been taken away from me for some terrible thing I had done, so I believed. I had managed to suppress any emotions and feelings I had because they had all been tied up in you, so I felt it was best that I get rid of them to try and make a future with Sheridan, who never missed the emotion."
"But then after I thought I had found a measure of stability in my life, I find myself sitting at the conference table at Crealite staring at your name "Elana Powers". With those two words, all of those bound up feelings and emotions came rushing back to me like an avalanche. I could not move or speak. I prayed to God that your company would not be chosen and I did not even take the time to review your specs. I even forfeited my vote telling the board that I wanted it to be solely their decision and what do you know they vote you in unanimously. I guess the rest you know. Except that when I first saw you all I could think about as I was holding your hand was: 'This woman was to be my wife and lover and the mother of my children. She was everything to me, but she left and now she stands before me what am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to handle this? Should I act like I never knew her? Should I pretend to be just an old friend? Or should I hold her in my arms and try to convince her to take me back so that I can make her happy and rectify whatever I did to make her leave me.' I told myself that I could spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, if you would only tell me why. Why you left, when you knew you were the only woman in the world for me and I thought I was the only man for you. Why? Why did you do it Elana?"
Elana did not know what to say. Tears were streaming down her face as she tried to wipe them with her hands, but they were flowing too freely to be swept away. After a few minutes she responded. "I did not want to separate myself from you Sean, but at the time I felt it was the best thing to do. Our families were not agreeable to our being together and I felt that if I went against that it would only make it harder for us both. I felt that if you married me your father would disown you and you'd be without a family and eventually you would blame me for it and hate me because you had been alienated. I did not want that on my shoulders Sean and I thought it was best if I just went away and allowed you to find someone whom your father and grandfather would approve of. I thought your life would be easier without me. I never intended to hurt you that much. I had hoped that I would absorb most of the pain, which I felt I did. It was almost like torture to not be able to hold you or call and hear your soothing voice or look into your eyes as you looked at me your special way when I knew there was nothing there but pure love for me and I would melt. I could not stand the thought of that look of love turning into one of disdain and regret, so I did what I thought was best. I left."
"But was that really best. I have not been the same person since Elana and you, I know you have gained a reputation of being cold as ice and I never would have described you that way even when you were serious about something. Do you think you accomplished what you set out to do?"
"I don't know Sean, I don't know." She said sobbing.
"And what is this about me being ousted from my family. My father would never disown me if he truly saw how much we loved each other. He could not do something like that and live with himself. My father is a good man and he loves my mother, so he understands what true love is. He would never give me an ultimatum like that. I can't believe you would even think that."
"I did not think it Sean." Elana was slightly angered that Sean did not even know his own father. Even she knew her father and she would not put something like this past him if the shoe were on the other foot.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I did not think he would do such a thing. I knew he would."
"Elana you're talking crazy. You do not even know my father how could you say you know something like that about him?"
"Because he told me so."
"He told you what?"
"He told me that if I did not leave you alone that he would disown you and that you would be left penniless with no ties to your family."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about your father Phillip. He called me in July of '89 a little over a month after you left and he told me in so many words to leave you alone or you'd be kicked out and that he would not finish paying for your education.
Sean was stunned trying to remember what happened after he went home from seeing Elana. He remembered the altercation he and his father had about the phone calls he had been making to Elana. Sean also remembered them arguing over his father's constant disparaging remarks about Elana trying to use him to get somewhere in life. Sean had refused to listen to those unfounded accusations and told his father that his personal life was none of his business and that he should just stay out of it. He could not imagine his father being so adamant against his relationship with Elana that he would threaten her in any way, but now as Elana sat across from him crying, Sean was convinced that it must be true. Now he could see that she left to protect him not wanting him to lose ties with his family just to prove that he loved her. At the same time he was saddened that she did not have enough confidence in his love for her to know that they could have worked through that obstacle. "So what exactly did he say Elana?" Sean wanted to go over to her and hold her in his arms to comfort her, but he wanted to get the whole story before he was overcome with his own emotions.
Elana sat back and recalled everything that Phillip Logan had said to her. She knew she could never forget it because it had been a large part of her existence since its impact on her life so many years ago...
_______________
July 1989
Georgia
Elana and Gail were planning a shopping trip that weekend so that Elana could get some new things for her apartment in Boston. Elana had planned to meet Sean in Boston during the last weekend of the month, so that he could help her pick out a place. Happy thoughts of the two of them being able to spend everyday together was almost too much for her, but Gail helped her appreciate that she deserved it.
"Girl, I can only guess what you and Sean are going to be doing on your first night in Boston."
"No we won't Gail. We plan to wait until we get married after I finish getting my Masters."
"Girl, that 's 2 years from now. Do you seriously think you're going to be able to stay away from that good looking man for that long especially since you're always going to be together. If it was me I know I'd be all over him."
"Sean's not like that he respects me and my need to do this. We want our first time together to be special and that can only happen on our wedding night."
"Well, he has got to love you because I do not know no man who will wait on a woman for let's see four years now. Are you sure he ain't doing nobody else until you guys get married?"
"Gail, don't say things like that. Sean and I love each other. I have no reason to suspect that he would do anything like that to me. He would just come out and tell me that he can't wait anymore and that he wanted to see other people. He would not sneak around on me."
"Well all I have to say is, if you're smart you'll just go ahead and get married and keep it a secret until you finish. I do not see how in the world you have been able to keep him away from you all this time." The two women continued with their conversation as Elana finished getting ready for them to go out.
Right as they were headed toward the door, the phone rang and Elana pushed the speakerphone button as she always did. "Hello?"
"Hello. Is this Elana Powers?"
"Yes, it is. May I ask who's calling?"
"This is Phillip Logan. Sean's father."
Elana was speechless for a moment as she and Gail looked at each other. Then she finally responded. "Mr. Logan. I didn't expect to hear from you. Is Sean ok?"
"No, Ms. Powers he's not o.k. As a matter of fact he seems to be a totally different person."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about your influence over my son. I do not know how long this thing between the two of you has been going on but it has to come to a stop. I know how you black women try to get your claws in eligible young white men, especially someone like my son who stands to be a very wealthy and prominent in the near future. I do not know what types of kinky things you've done to him, but he has the notion that he's going to marry you. I suspect that you've gone and gotten yourself pregnant , which is the reason he's so anxious to marry you. But you can forget about any children you have with Sean having any association to this family. I am telling you right now Ms. Powers that if you think you can use your feminine wiles to seduce my son into marriage you will be very sorry! I'll personally make sure that he is fully disinherited and then shunned from the family. You won't see one red penny and he'll be forced to make it on his own! I'm sure your own father won't be too happy about this either and I intend to let him know what has been going on. I hope that I have made myself perfectly clear in this matter."
Elana was in shock as tears rolled down her face at the accusations Phillip Logan wielded toward her. She could not believe that someone could be so cruel toward someone whom he'd never met. She became frightened for Sean and had no doubt that his father would make good on his promises. She did not want that for him and she could see that she did not want anything to do with Sean's family if they promulgated behavior like Phillip Logan. She surmised that if she continued with Sean that he too would eventually feel the same way about her as his father did, so finally she responded to Phillip. "You've made yourself clear Mr. Logan. You do not have to worry about me getting my black claws into your white son." She said and pushed the speaker phone button hanging up on the man.
"What in the hell did you hang up for. I would have cussed his ass out for saying those things to me. As a matter of fact give me that phone." Gail pushed *69 and when Phillip picked up she ranted off innumerable descriptive expletives to him not allowing for a response just as he had done Elana. Then when she was finished she hung up. Gail had basically told him that he had best be glad that it was Elana and not her and she let him know that Sean had been begging to sleep with Elana for years and she had resisted him. After the conversation Gail stayed around and comforted her friend who was torn between what she wanted and what she felt she needed to do.
After a few days of thinking about it Elana finally decided to write Sean the letter and she withdrew from Harvard then transferred to the University of Pennsylvania instead to be with Gail.
____________
1998
The Silver Dawn Diner
"So that was that. I had always hoped that you would find me. I called my father everyday asking him if you had called, but he always said no and talked me into the fact that you were happy to have had an easy way out of the relationship without having to hurt me in the process, but I was already hurting. I slung myself into my studies and ended up graduating at the top of my class. I did not date anyone until my final 3 months in school. He was a Psychiatry major, but it did not work out because you were always on my mind and he figured that out. Afterwards, I met Jon and we started the company and that's pretty much been my escape for the past seven years. I tuned men out because as I saw it, they were a deterrent to my progress and I did not want anyone thinking I needed a man to help me get anywhere. Thus, I was labeled as hard to deal with because I did not smile in men's faces and try to sweet talk them into anything.
"Did you and Jon ever date?"
"Yes, we did at first, but I cut it off because I thought it started to interfere with our professional judgement. He was not too happy about it, but that's the way it goes I guess. He rebounded and has since more than compensated himself with other young women."
"Did you ever fall in love with anyone else?"
"No. I did not. Not like it was with you and me. I thought I was in love with Henry, but I was not. I was in love with the idea of loving him, but I could never make it a reality."
Sean got up from his seat and went over to sit next to Elana. He took her in his arms and hugged her as she cried and he shed his own tears. "I'm sorry Elana."
"You did not do anything to be sorry for. It was me."
"No, I have to share some of the blame because I did not make you believe that I loved you enough to not care about leaving my family. Is not there a Scripture somewhere that says 'a man will leave his father and mother and he will stick to his wife.' That's what I would have done Elana if you had just told me, but somehow I failed in letting you know that I felt that strongly about you. When you were close to me, nothing else mattered. My whole world could have crumbled around me as long as we were together. I would not have cared because I knew we could overcome anything together, including my father's hard heart. We've wasted so much time, not knowing these things. I will tell you now that I have always loved you. There's never been anyone else. I think I knew you before I knew myself. Elana, it's my hope that we can start over and I want you to give me a chance to show you that I'd do anything for you regardless of what anyone thinks."
"But what about the fact that I'm black Sean and your family will always be against our being together. That has to eventually take some type of toll on you. Dono' you think?"
"I told you Elana, that does not matter to me. All that matters is that we want to be together. When I look at you I do not even see your color."
"But maybe that's the problem Sean. I want you to see my color. I love, embrace and am proud of being black. There is beauty and strength in it. I would not want to be anything else. It only becomes a problem when people like your father associate my color with something negative that prevents them from giving me a job, riding in peace down a highway, walking in certain neighborhoods or just being in love with their children. I could go on and on. To say that you do not see my color tells me you do not want to see color because it bothers you for some reason. And, I think in today's society to be colorblind is very unrealistic, such that it has affected us to the extent that even though we loved each other immensely, it was our different races that separated us."
"Color did not separate us Elana, ignorance and pride did."
Elana looked at Sean intently and knew he was right.
"Look I know you're as tired as I am, so can I take you home and we can talk some more tomorrow."
"Yeah, that sounds good."
Sean fanned the waitress down for their check, paid it and he and Elana left with him holding her across her shoulders as they walked to the car.
"Woe. You look great!" Sean exhorted as he began to come into her townhouse.
"Thank you." Elana said letting him in and closing the door behind him. "Uh, it looks like I overdressed though."
"No, you're definitely not OVER dressed." Sean said taking her by the arm and turning her around to look her over.
Elana blushed unnoticeably, "I mean too dressed up for what you may have had in mind."
Sean smiled out of the side of his mouth and answered saying "Yeah you are way too dressed for what I have on my mind." He said rubbing his chin between his fingers.
"Sean, stop it! Now if you're going to be bad maybe we can do this some other time."
"Oh, no. I plan to be good. Tonight anyway." He said. Elana tried to ignore his remark as she led him into her living room.
While they walked to the room Sean commented again on her attire. "I love that dress on you. You make it look spectacular."
"Thanks. You said a show and a nice dinner, so I presumed you meant a Broadway show and a not so shabby dinner afterwards."
"When I told you that back in college you took it to mean a movie and a nice down home cooked meal from a local restaurant or something."
"I'm sorry. I guess I assumed..."
"Assumed what? That I'd be like the other men you've been dating since you broke up with me. I guess your uptown boys have been spoiling you pretty well, huh?" He asked scanning her face for his answer.
"I would not call it spoiling. I've just gotten used to some things."
"As you should Elana." Sean said recognizing that she deserved to assume a man would always take her out to nice places. "Look I just wanted us to be able to get together and talk. I did not want to be concerned about impressing each other, at least not tonight, but if you prefer I can pick up a suit at a shop and we can go somewhere really nice. I do not care where we go, I just want us to be able to spend some time together and sort things out."
"No, Sean you don't have to do that. You're right. I can go change right quick." She said as she started to turn around.
Sean grabbed her hand, turned her around to face him and pulled her closer to him so that he could look into her brown eyes as he asked, "Need some help getting out of that dress."
Elana paused for a moment as they looked at each other and she felt her knees about to give out, which had always been her normal reaction whenever he looked at her that way. She gained her composure, somewhat, then responded as she removed her hand from his and then ran her fingers down the front of his chest. "I'll let you know if I'm having any trouble." She said with a soft smile on her face.
Sean raised his eyebrows from the sensation he felt when her hands ran down his chest and he wondered if she was finally flirting with him. He was not sure, but decided to take it as such. "Maybe I'll just come with you, so that I'll be close by if you do have any trouble."
"Humph." Was Elana's only response as she turned and went toward her bedroom to change. As she walked away she had told him to take a look around and if he wanted anything from the fridge he could help himself. While she was gone Sean took the liberty to look around. He thought Elana had done an excellent job of decorating the place with African, Expressive Art. He admired her taste and wished for a moment that this had been their place together with maybe a few kids running around. After a few minutes he sat down in the comfortable leather chair and waited. After about fifteen minutes Elana returned wearing a pair of crème colored wool slacks and a black buttoned-down boat necked, angora wool sweater that accented her perfectly formed breasts. She also had on black loafers with a one-inch block heel and her thick wavy, brown hair had been brushed out to hang to her shoulders. She also had removed her makeup and replaced it with only a lightly colored lip-gloss.
When she came back into the living room. Sean thought he felt his heart skip a beat. Elana looked really casual, and her natural beauty was more apparent than ever. He remembered seeing her at the library so many years ago and he felt warm inside just as he had then when he finally laid his eyes upon her. "You ready?"
"Yes, lead the way, kind sir." She said after she found her black wool blazer from her hall closet.
"Sean took her by the arm and they left her townhouse headed for the movie theater.
During the drive they talked some about the car.
"Sean is this the same car you had during your last year of high school?"
"Yes, it is. I have tried to keep her running and so far she has not let me down."
"Wow! That's a long time to keep a car. What's it been, 13 or 14 years? Even after you started making your own money you never got anything else?"
"Nope." He said smiling and remembering why.
"Why not?"
"I'm just a simple man Elana with simple pleasures. I had a lot of memories tied up in this car." He answered. Slightly turning his head toward her he added "Some better than others." He returned to watching the road as he continued speaking "and I've just tried to keep it around for as long as I can to kinda keep those memories alive."
Elana could not help but see his reference to their first make out session in the Spring of 1985, over 13 years now, and she tried not to react when he looked at her. She remembered that day too and she was glad that Sean thought so much of it that he would try to keep the car around all of these years. They continued on to the movies reflecting on their past.
After the movie, they both came out laughing, recalling funny points that they liked. Sean was holding onto Elana by her waist as they walked to his car and he opened the door for her then got in himself. On their way to the restaurant, they continued to talk and laugh about the movie and compare it to others they used to see together. A few minutes later Sean pulled up to "The Silver Dawn" an all night diner. "Is this ok. We can get a private booth and they stay opened all night."
"This is great, Sean. Let's go on in!" Elana felt like a young girl again. She had forgotten how much fun she and Sean had together and she was really enjoying their simple night together. She dreaded the thought of drudging up the sad part of their past and decided that she would put it off as long as possible.
Inside the diner they were seated and given their menus. Elana was nervous about their pending conversation, so she continued their discussion about the movie. Sean had become noticeably quiet just agreeing with whatever Elana said. They ordered their meals and Elana tried to start another conversation while Sean sat all the way back in his seat looking intently at her.
"So what did you do after grad school?" Elana asked trying to move to another subject to avoid the inevitable.
Sean was silent for a moment then he answered. "Right before my last year when I first received your letter I thought it was a joke. I showed Sam and was telling him how funny you could be. Then I got on the telephone to call you in Georgia, but the desk person said you had moved out. I assumed you had found a place and were planning on surprising me by coming up early. I waited a day or two for your call, but it never came. Then I got worried, so I called the admissions office and asked when you started classes. They told me that you had withdrawn, but they would not tell me where your records were sent. Then I called your house, but your father hung up on me when I asked him where you were. Finally I decided to go to Spellman and ask around about you, so I hopped on a plane at the last minute and spent the day trying to get information, but no one would cooperate. They said that I was asking confidential information and they could not give it out. That was the end of the first week."
"The next week, I put an ad in the Georgia and Connecticut papers with your picture asking if anyone knew where you were. Most people who called thought I was some sicko trying to lure women, so I dropped the ads. At the end of the 3rd week and the first week of class I went to Connecticut to confront your father. He told me that you realized you did not need to be with a white man and that you had another boyfriend and did not want anything to do with me anymore, so you changed schools. He practically threw me out of the house, and told me that he'd have me arrested for stalking if I ever came back."
"After that I just lost it. I refused to go to classes so I went home and told my father that I was not going back to school until I found you. He convinced me that you were not worth throwing away my future for if you had just abandoned me like that. Eventually I agreed with him, on the outside at least, so I went back to school. Inside I was a wreck. I had to go to school an extra semester to get my Masters because I failed most of the requirements the first go around. I knew I had to get myself together after Sam saw me staring out an open window of our apartment. The screen had been removed and it was January, cold as ice. He came in and pulled me out away from it and helped me realize that I was going crazy and that I was on the edge of doing something stupid if I did not get myself together. So after that, he spent a lot of time with me even when he finished and got his law degree he stayed with me until I finished. I guess he thought I would jump out that window if I were alone."
"After that it had been a little over a year since your letter, so I decided I needed to be with other women to forget about you. I tried my best and I went through a few of them, but after that three-year phase I still could not forget you. The next three years I engrossed myself in my work. I dated one woman inconsistently until she finally decided that she needed more of a commitment. Eventually Sheridan broke me down and I started dating her, thinking that she was so beautiful that I could find some measure of happiness with her, but I soon realized her beauty was skin deep, but I settled because I had no false hopes of ever finding someone like you. I felt that had been taken away from me for some terrible thing I had done, so I believed. I had managed to suppress any emotions and feelings I had because they had all been tied up in you, so I felt it was best that I get rid of them to try and make a future with Sheridan, who never missed the emotion."
"But then after I thought I had found a measure of stability in my life, I find myself sitting at the conference table at Crealite staring at your name "Elana Powers". With those two words, all of those bound up feelings and emotions came rushing back to me like an avalanche. I could not move or speak. I prayed to God that your company would not be chosen and I did not even take the time to review your specs. I even forfeited my vote telling the board that I wanted it to be solely their decision and what do you know they vote you in unanimously. I guess the rest you know. Except that when I first saw you all I could think about as I was holding your hand was: 'This woman was to be my wife and lover and the mother of my children. She was everything to me, but she left and now she stands before me what am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to handle this? Should I act like I never knew her? Should I pretend to be just an old friend? Or should I hold her in my arms and try to convince her to take me back so that I can make her happy and rectify whatever I did to make her leave me.' I told myself that I could spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, if you would only tell me why. Why you left, when you knew you were the only woman in the world for me and I thought I was the only man for you. Why? Why did you do it Elana?"
Elana did not know what to say. Tears were streaming down her face as she tried to wipe them with her hands, but they were flowing too freely to be swept away. After a few minutes she responded. "I did not want to separate myself from you Sean, but at the time I felt it was the best thing to do. Our families were not agreeable to our being together and I felt that if I went against that it would only make it harder for us both. I felt that if you married me your father would disown you and you'd be without a family and eventually you would blame me for it and hate me because you had been alienated. I did not want that on my shoulders Sean and I thought it was best if I just went away and allowed you to find someone whom your father and grandfather would approve of. I thought your life would be easier without me. I never intended to hurt you that much. I had hoped that I would absorb most of the pain, which I felt I did. It was almost like torture to not be able to hold you or call and hear your soothing voice or look into your eyes as you looked at me your special way when I knew there was nothing there but pure love for me and I would melt. I could not stand the thought of that look of love turning into one of disdain and regret, so I did what I thought was best. I left."
"But was that really best. I have not been the same person since Elana and you, I know you have gained a reputation of being cold as ice and I never would have described you that way even when you were serious about something. Do you think you accomplished what you set out to do?"
"I don't know Sean, I don't know." She said sobbing.
"And what is this about me being ousted from my family. My father would never disown me if he truly saw how much we loved each other. He could not do something like that and live with himself. My father is a good man and he loves my mother, so he understands what true love is. He would never give me an ultimatum like that. I can't believe you would even think that."
"I did not think it Sean." Elana was slightly angered that Sean did not even know his own father. Even she knew her father and she would not put something like this past him if the shoe were on the other foot.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I did not think he would do such a thing. I knew he would."
"Elana you're talking crazy. You do not even know my father how could you say you know something like that about him?"
"Because he told me so."
"He told you what?"
"He told me that if I did not leave you alone that he would disown you and that you would be left penniless with no ties to your family."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about your father Phillip. He called me in July of '89 a little over a month after you left and he told me in so many words to leave you alone or you'd be kicked out and that he would not finish paying for your education.
Sean was stunned trying to remember what happened after he went home from seeing Elana. He remembered the altercation he and his father had about the phone calls he had been making to Elana. Sean also remembered them arguing over his father's constant disparaging remarks about Elana trying to use him to get somewhere in life. Sean had refused to listen to those unfounded accusations and told his father that his personal life was none of his business and that he should just stay out of it. He could not imagine his father being so adamant against his relationship with Elana that he would threaten her in any way, but now as Elana sat across from him crying, Sean was convinced that it must be true. Now he could see that she left to protect him not wanting him to lose ties with his family just to prove that he loved her. At the same time he was saddened that she did not have enough confidence in his love for her to know that they could have worked through that obstacle. "So what exactly did he say Elana?" Sean wanted to go over to her and hold her in his arms to comfort her, but he wanted to get the whole story before he was overcome with his own emotions.
Elana sat back and recalled everything that Phillip Logan had said to her. She knew she could never forget it because it had been a large part of her existence since its impact on her life so many years ago...
_______________
July 1989
Georgia
Elana and Gail were planning a shopping trip that weekend so that Elana could get some new things for her apartment in Boston. Elana had planned to meet Sean in Boston during the last weekend of the month, so that he could help her pick out a place. Happy thoughts of the two of them being able to spend everyday together was almost too much for her, but Gail helped her appreciate that she deserved it.
"Girl, I can only guess what you and Sean are going to be doing on your first night in Boston."
"No we won't Gail. We plan to wait until we get married after I finish getting my Masters."
"Girl, that 's 2 years from now. Do you seriously think you're going to be able to stay away from that good looking man for that long especially since you're always going to be together. If it was me I know I'd be all over him."
"Sean's not like that he respects me and my need to do this. We want our first time together to be special and that can only happen on our wedding night."
"Well, he has got to love you because I do not know no man who will wait on a woman for let's see four years now. Are you sure he ain't doing nobody else until you guys get married?"
"Gail, don't say things like that. Sean and I love each other. I have no reason to suspect that he would do anything like that to me. He would just come out and tell me that he can't wait anymore and that he wanted to see other people. He would not sneak around on me."
"Well all I have to say is, if you're smart you'll just go ahead and get married and keep it a secret until you finish. I do not see how in the world you have been able to keep him away from you all this time." The two women continued with their conversation as Elana finished getting ready for them to go out.
Right as they were headed toward the door, the phone rang and Elana pushed the speakerphone button as she always did. "Hello?"
"Hello. Is this Elana Powers?"
"Yes, it is. May I ask who's calling?"
"This is Phillip Logan. Sean's father."
Elana was speechless for a moment as she and Gail looked at each other. Then she finally responded. "Mr. Logan. I didn't expect to hear from you. Is Sean ok?"
"No, Ms. Powers he's not o.k. As a matter of fact he seems to be a totally different person."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about your influence over my son. I do not know how long this thing between the two of you has been going on but it has to come to a stop. I know how you black women try to get your claws in eligible young white men, especially someone like my son who stands to be a very wealthy and prominent in the near future. I do not know what types of kinky things you've done to him, but he has the notion that he's going to marry you. I suspect that you've gone and gotten yourself pregnant , which is the reason he's so anxious to marry you. But you can forget about any children you have with Sean having any association to this family. I am telling you right now Ms. Powers that if you think you can use your feminine wiles to seduce my son into marriage you will be very sorry! I'll personally make sure that he is fully disinherited and then shunned from the family. You won't see one red penny and he'll be forced to make it on his own! I'm sure your own father won't be too happy about this either and I intend to let him know what has been going on. I hope that I have made myself perfectly clear in this matter."
Elana was in shock as tears rolled down her face at the accusations Phillip Logan wielded toward her. She could not believe that someone could be so cruel toward someone whom he'd never met. She became frightened for Sean and had no doubt that his father would make good on his promises. She did not want that for him and she could see that she did not want anything to do with Sean's family if they promulgated behavior like Phillip Logan. She surmised that if she continued with Sean that he too would eventually feel the same way about her as his father did, so finally she responded to Phillip. "You've made yourself clear Mr. Logan. You do not have to worry about me getting my black claws into your white son." She said and pushed the speaker phone button hanging up on the man.
"What in the hell did you hang up for. I would have cussed his ass out for saying those things to me. As a matter of fact give me that phone." Gail pushed *69 and when Phillip picked up she ranted off innumerable descriptive expletives to him not allowing for a response just as he had done Elana. Then when she was finished she hung up. Gail had basically told him that he had best be glad that it was Elana and not her and she let him know that Sean had been begging to sleep with Elana for years and she had resisted him. After the conversation Gail stayed around and comforted her friend who was torn between what she wanted and what she felt she needed to do.
After a few days of thinking about it Elana finally decided to write Sean the letter and she withdrew from Harvard then transferred to the University of Pennsylvania instead to be with Gail.
____________
1998
The Silver Dawn Diner
"So that was that. I had always hoped that you would find me. I called my father everyday asking him if you had called, but he always said no and talked me into the fact that you were happy to have had an easy way out of the relationship without having to hurt me in the process, but I was already hurting. I slung myself into my studies and ended up graduating at the top of my class. I did not date anyone until my final 3 months in school. He was a Psychiatry major, but it did not work out because you were always on my mind and he figured that out. Afterwards, I met Jon and we started the company and that's pretty much been my escape for the past seven years. I tuned men out because as I saw it, they were a deterrent to my progress and I did not want anyone thinking I needed a man to help me get anywhere. Thus, I was labeled as hard to deal with because I did not smile in men's faces and try to sweet talk them into anything.
"Did you and Jon ever date?"
"Yes, we did at first, but I cut it off because I thought it started to interfere with our professional judgement. He was not too happy about it, but that's the way it goes I guess. He rebounded and has since more than compensated himself with other young women."
"Did you ever fall in love with anyone else?"
"No. I did not. Not like it was with you and me. I thought I was in love with Henry, but I was not. I was in love with the idea of loving him, but I could never make it a reality."
Sean got up from his seat and went over to sit next to Elana. He took her in his arms and hugged her as she cried and he shed his own tears. "I'm sorry Elana."
"You did not do anything to be sorry for. It was me."
"No, I have to share some of the blame because I did not make you believe that I loved you enough to not care about leaving my family. Is not there a Scripture somewhere that says 'a man will leave his father and mother and he will stick to his wife.' That's what I would have done Elana if you had just told me, but somehow I failed in letting you know that I felt that strongly about you. When you were close to me, nothing else mattered. My whole world could have crumbled around me as long as we were together. I would not have cared because I knew we could overcome anything together, including my father's hard heart. We've wasted so much time, not knowing these things. I will tell you now that I have always loved you. There's never been anyone else. I think I knew you before I knew myself. Elana, it's my hope that we can start over and I want you to give me a chance to show you that I'd do anything for you regardless of what anyone thinks."
"But what about the fact that I'm black Sean and your family will always be against our being together. That has to eventually take some type of toll on you. Dono' you think?"
"I told you Elana, that does not matter to me. All that matters is that we want to be together. When I look at you I do not even see your color."
"But maybe that's the problem Sean. I want you to see my color. I love, embrace and am proud of being black. There is beauty and strength in it. I would not want to be anything else. It only becomes a problem when people like your father associate my color with something negative that prevents them from giving me a job, riding in peace down a highway, walking in certain neighborhoods or just being in love with their children. I could go on and on. To say that you do not see my color tells me you do not want to see color because it bothers you for some reason. And, I think in today's society to be colorblind is very unrealistic, such that it has affected us to the extent that even though we loved each other immensely, it was our different races that separated us."
"Color did not separate us Elana, ignorance and pride did."
Elana looked at Sean intently and knew he was right.
"Look I know you're as tired as I am, so can I take you home and we can talk some more tomorrow."
"Yeah, that sounds good."
Sean fanned the waitress down for their check, paid it and he and Elana left with him holding her across her shoulders as they walked to the car.