Also unlike last time, "Fred's" writing style will be less choppy and have less rambles. Oh, there will still be rambles, just not as many of them. Like every other writer in the world, "Fred's" style progresses and matures.
So, (dramatic pause and intake of breath) here is the first, official chapter of "In the Rising Consciousness of a Prankster."
In the Rising Consciousness of a Pranksterby Fred Weasley
:*: 1 – Ode to the Hospital Beauty :*:
I don't know why people say hospitals are dreary places. Yeah, the lighting kind of makes you look washed out. And okay, the food – let's face – both sucks and blows. And yeah, the stench is a little over bearing and the chairs are really uncomfortable. Plus, the doctors are pompous and say big words like "Influenza" and act like you don't know what's going on…
But all of that means nothing – absolutely nothing – when you look into the woman you love's eyes… and she screams bloody murder.
"Ow! Hermione, let go. Please, I can't feel my finge – OW, OW!"
"Don't you say 'ow!'" Hermione screamed at me. "You have no right to say 'ow!' When you have a seven pound person getting ready to pop out of you, then you can say 'ow!"
Did I mention she screamed this directly into my ear? Well, she did. So now, not only did my hand hurt, but I couldn't hear anything either.
I heard a gross squishy noise and saw a glimpse of red stuff that I didn't like the looks of.
"I think I'm going to be sick," I muttered.
"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" Hermione screamed.
"Okay," I said, getting into Fred the Soother mode. "Think about we learned in that llama class, okay? Peaceful thoughts. Er, oceans and fields of flowers and country lakes."
"Shut up!" she screamed. "God, listen to yourself."
I'm pretty sure I caught the nurse give a slight chuckle.
"Okay, fine," I said, giving in. "Don't think about… think about the good things. Think about the time we went to that beach in France. You know – the place where you stung by that jellyfish?"
"That was good?" Hermione asked.
Okay, now I know I heard the nurse laugh.
"Of course it was. Or how about that first summer," I suggested. "The one when we first got together, you know. How we sat out on the lawn that one night and we talked. Or you teaching me how to interview and fill out applications. And, the time I surprised you by coming to Hogwart's to give you your Christmas presents… and… and, er…"
"Zonko's," Hermione said, gasping.
"Right, Zonko's," I said, feeling like I could pass out. "Or later when I taught you how to fly, officially, and you flew around the Burrow's back yard… and then you lost control, hit the window and landed on our chicken coop?"
"Your dad said most people are just content with plummeting to the ground," she said, voice raspy and gripping my hand even tighter. "He said I was special."
The lights in the hospital were starting to get to me. I could hear an ambulance somewhere near. "I know he did," I said, brushing some of her hair off her sweaty face. "Just hold on, Hermione. You're almost there."
"Don't leave me," Hermione whispered urgently. "Promise you won't leave me."
"I won't, I promise," then hearing a disgusting ripping and squishing noise, I stood up – ready to vomit, I might add – and bolted out of the room. I leaned up against the wall, listening to Hermione screaming, "Fred? Fred! Where are you?" I took a few deep breaths, patted my face with my coat, and headed back in.
"Where were you?" Hermione hissed in my ear. "I am freaking out here and you just up and disappear?"
"I did not disappear," I insisted.
"Well, you're here now," she said. "Because I really need – " she was cut off by her own screaming. Loud, painful screaming. It hurt so bad knowing the woman I love was in so much pain. It also hurt because, once again, she dubbed my ear the perfect spot to release it. Not that I blame her of course.
Her scream occurred right as the doctor, all cheery and easy going, taking his time walking over to Hermione while Hermione was huffing and puffing and groaning and squeezing my hand harder than a vice.
"So," the doctor commented lightly. "Looks like we're having a baby."
"Looks like?" I screamed. Oh, Lord, Hermione's temper was rubbing off on me.
"Can I have some drugs," Hermione pleaded. "Please?"
"In a minute," the doctor replied. He moved down and placed Hermione's legs into the stirrup things at the end of the hospital bed. "Let's first see how far you are."
I was a little wary at having a man in between my wife's legs, poking and prodding around, but it was a little too late to change doctor's.
"All right," he said, putting the sheet that was covering Hermione back down. "We're getting close. I just need you to relax and breathe with your partner here. Leave the rest to us."
"When do I get the drugs?" Hermione asked. "Where the hell are they?"
"Just hold tight," he said. "I'll send someone in a moment. Don't worry," he added before leaving. "It'll all be over before you know it."
He exited the room and Hermione said, "I hate him! I mean it."
"Let's do our breathing," I said.
"I don't want to breathe!" she said. "I don't want to do this. I want them to knock me out completely. Even if they just hit me on the head with something. I can't do this, Fred, I can't."
"Yes, yes you can," I reassured her. "We're ready for this."
"Easy for you to say," she snarled. "All you've got to do is sit there and babble like an idiot. You've got the easy part. And stop writing this all down! I swear, if this ends up in your stupid column I will murder you!"
I smirked, and hid the Quick Quill Notes.
"Hermione, hold it together." I handed her some more ice chips.
She sat up quickly, spitting frozen shards of ice everywhere. "Don't tell me to hold it together, not until you have felt this pain, because it is unlike anything – " and she froze, ready to scream as another contraction hit her.
I was ready to point out that she has never been kicked in an area that God only intended to be treated nicely, but decided now wasn't the time for my sarcastic quips.
"Breathe," I said, doing the exercise myself, puff, puff, puff, inhale deep, puff, puff, puff. "You can do it."
But she wasn't breathing, only moaning again. It was that low, scary noise that made me take a few steps back because I was a bit afraid of her wrath. I was literally scared for my life. I lied, I thought. We weren't ready for this. This was scary and big and I felt woozy, tired and terrified all at the same time. I wanted to be out in the waiting room – hanging out with the candy machines and the uncomfortable plastic chairs and that scary guy with the metal rod shoved through his hand. I wanted to be out there, handing out cigars like a Dad should be.
"Stay here," I said, thinking how stupid that sounded. Where else would she go? "I'm going to see if Mum has arrived yet."
"Don't you dare!" she screamed. "Fred! Don't, please."
From the fear in her voice, I almost turned around, but I knew I'd be less help than someone should be. I once again leaned against the cool wall outside her room. Outside, I looked calm and ready, but inside I was falling apart.
I, Fred Weasley, was not ready to be a Dad. I was ready for Hermione to live with me. I was ready to marry her, but I was not ready for the pain and anguish that accompanied a pregnant woman. That's not very Dad-like. I couldn't do this.
Granted, I have come a long way from what I once was. I was a prankster who said stupid things and did stupid things. That was my thing. But then I graduated from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and the real world hit me. No longer was I able to count on my sarcasm and quick wit to get me by. I had to get a job… and get a job I did.
Hey! My first official ramble of my new column. I think I'm going to cry…
Eventually, I heard shoes clacking quickly through the hospital and I looked up to see my mother looking me straight in the eye.
"What are you doing out here?" she screeched at me. "Why aren't you in there helping Hermione? Fred Weasley, I raised you better than that!"
"She's in there, Mum," I said. "She's going bloody insane."
"Well of course she is!" My mother continued to yell. People were now staring. "The person she trusts to always be there for her isn't there for her!"
"But I can't do this, Mum," I said pathetically. "It's too crazy. She's in pain and I just think – "
"Fred," Mum said to me, calming down a bit. "You need to be in there."
"I can't." My throat was hurting when I spoke. "It's too much to deal with."
My mother got a stern look on her face again and said, "Well that's too bad, Fred. Hermione is counting on you. You can't let her down."
"No," I said, sounding like a baby. "I can't."
"Fred Weasley!" Mum said. "If you can release Dungbombs in the school hallways and not get caught, if you have the bravery to sneak out of school, if you have the ability to spend hours and hours flying on a thin piece of wood with murderous flying balls coming at you from all directions… if you can do all of that, then you can do this. I promise."
She grabbed my hand and drug me back in.
"Are my mum and dad here yet?" Hermione asked, tears in her eyes.
"No honey, not yet," Mum said, stroking Hermione's forehead in a soothing manner – much more soothing than they way I had been doing it. But then again, it's hard to be soothing when you're having a nervous breakdown.
"Don't leave me," Hermione croaked. I was unsure if she was speaking to me or Mum, but she needn't worry. We'd both be here for her. "I don't want to do this alone," she added, crying.
"Hermione," I said, looking her directly in the eyes and grasping her hand tightly. "As long as I'm alive, you'll never be alone."
I looked across Hermione's shiny, exhausted face and saw my mother close to her ear, whispering words I couldn't hear. But I knew what they were. It was the same things I heard after my nightmares as a child, after the tumbles off my broom I took, after my brother's went off to school, leaving me alone. I watched Mum do what she did best. No matter how strong I was, she was there to cheer me on. No matter how weak I was, she was strong for the both of us. She was a part of me, just like Hermione, crucial to my own life. I'd never be strong enough to live without either of them.
Just then, I heard the doctor say excitedly, "Here it comes, Hermione. I can see the head."
"It has a head!" I couldn't help but yelling excitedly. Despite the situation at hand, I saw a smile dance across Hermione's face.
"Come on, Hermione," the doctor said. "Just one more push."
"You said that last time!" Hermione screamed.
"I mean it this time," the doctor said.
"You better," Hermione muttered.
"Breathe," Mum said to Hermione. "Just breathe. You can do it."
Hermione grasped my hand tightly, but I was so engrossed in the events transpiring I could barely feel it (although it might be that Hermione had squeezed my hand so hard earlier I couldn't feel anything if I tried).
"Here it comes," the doctor said. "Just a little bit more, Hermione, just a little bit more."
Hermione groaned and pushed again, gasping for air and I watched the doctor reach down and move a bit and then… there it was.
My baby. Hermione's baby. Our baby.
It's little, delicate mouth was open and it was crying softly, kicking it's feet around and wiggling it's arms in the air. I could see a bit of red hair emitting from its head.
"Congratulations, Hermione," the doctor said, smiling. "It's a girl."
Mum clapped her hands to her mouth and began weeping. Hermione smiled a relieved and happy smile and started crying harder than she had been. I realized at that moment, I was crying too.
"I told you," Hermione said quietly, causing me to laugh. "I knew it."
"She's beautiful," I told Hermione. She had laid her head down, exhausted, so I told her myself. "She has perfect little fingers and toes. She has red hair," I added. Hermione laughed.
"Just like her dad," Hermione said.
"I bet she'll be just as smart as her mum, though," I said. The nurse turned and took her away. "Wait! Where's she going? Mum, make her come back."
Mum smiled a happy smile and said, "They're just cleaning her. She'll be back in a moment."
A nurse, whose eyes were glassy with tears, I noticed, brought our little girl over to us in a small, fuzzy, pink blanket. Hermione made a small noise in her throat as she took her daughter in her arms. She the looked up at me and said, "I love you, Fred Weasley."
"I love you, too, Hermione Granger," I replied.
"Weasley," she corrected. "We're all Weasley's now."
I looked down at our new daughter and back up at her mother, my wife. "Welcome to the family," I said to our little girl. She made a small noise and buried her perfect little head in Hermione's chest. Hermione sobbed happily and Mum hugged her.
"I'm going to go out and see if your mum and dad are here, Hermione," I said.
"Don't be long," Hermione whispered.
"An army of Death Eaters couldn't keep me away," I said back to her.
I walked backwards out of the hospital room and when I passed the small window to Hermione's room, I quickly turned back and waved, making sure everything was okay. Hermione waved back and made my daughter wave to me.
So I walked through the hallway, and when I reached the lobby, I was met with the most insane thing ever:
Standing there, hanging out with the scary guy with a metal rod through his hands, was my family (Ginny, Ron, George, Percy, Charlie, Bill and Dad – Arthur), their respective significant others (Ginny's Harry, Ron's invisible friend, George's Miranda, Percy's Caitlin – yes, the one and same from Zonko's – Charlie's Stephanie and Bill's Jessica). Plus, Hermione's parents (Fiona and Jeffery), her best friends (Caty, Lonnie and Holly). And then our friends from Hogwart's (Lee, Angelina, Alicia, Katie, Oliver, Parvati, Lavender, Seamus, Dean and Neville) with their respective acquaintances (I don't know their names).
Basically, the entire lobby was filled with Hermione and I's friends and family. And when I walked out, smiling, they all started clapping and cheering. Then the nurse told them to shut up. Then I said "It's a girl!" And we all started cheering again. The nurse rolled her eyes.
"Can we see her?" almost everyone said. I thought about it, realized Hermione would hate everyone coming in at once, and said, "Just Hermione and my families… and Harry, of course. For now at least."
There were a few sad faces, but mostly, everyone nodded understandingly and sat back down in a chair. I led the rest through the hallway and back into Hermione's room.
"Hello," Hermione said, back to her more normal, though exhausted, state. "How are you all?"
Her mum and dad both ran over to give her a hug and Ron, Harry and Ginny were right behind them. All of my other brother's were content with just patting me on the back and ruffling my hair.
"So," Hermione's mother said. "What's her name?"
Hermione looked at me. I looked at her.
"We never decided," I said. "Did we?"
"No," Hermione said. "We were still discussing it when I went into labor."
"Harry is a fine name," Harry said.
"It's a girl," Ginny pointed out.
"Harriet?" he offered.
"No," I said. "This is hard. The pressure's on, now."
"Look," Hermione said. "I am quite tired at the moment, due to the fact I just gave birth to a child. So if we could possibly discuss this when I've had the ability to sleep, It would be better."
Everyone muttered with one another for a bit until Hermione's mother spoke up.
"Of course it's okay, dear," she said, smoothing her daughter's hair.
"I think that comment was a subconscious hint for all of us to get the Hell – "
"Fred Weasley!" Mum said harshly. "There is a child in the room. Use proper language."
"Bloody Hell, Mum – "
"You too, Ronald," Mum snapped. Ron's ears pinkened.
"Okay," I said, smiling. "We should all probably leave so Hermione can get some much needed rest. I don't know from experience, of course, but giving birth to a child seems like a lot of work."
As everyone bid their good-byes and gave one last look at Baby, Hermione grabbed my hand and I stayed back. When the room emptied, she said, "Stay here."
I nodded and pulled up a chair next to Hermione's bed. I clasped my hand around hers and she sighed happily. The nurse came in and took Baby away and Hermione watched like a hawk as the nurse took her away.
"She'll be back," I said.
"I know," Hermione whispered.
She laid her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. I just sort of sat there, knowing there was no way in Hell I would be able to comfortably sleep in a chair, so I just watched. After a few minutes, Hermione startled me by saying,
"This is going to be in your column, isn't it?"
I laughed and Hermione smiled. The next time I looked up, she was fast asleep.
:*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*:
What an action packed installment, huh? Last time you heard from me, I had asked Hermione to marry me. And now, we have a beautiful baby girl. Actually, at the present time, she's a beautiful three year old. She's adorable. She has red hair, like me. Blue eyes like my Mum's, and a knack for reading like Hermione, her Mum. She's read this Muggle book called "Cinderella" to me so many times I think I know it by heart. But that's not the point.
A lot's happened in the almost four year time frame since I last came to you in my "Subconscious" column. You've probably seen my other random columns ("How to Kick Garden Gnomes' Butt – Literally" and, "My Years Under a Quidditch Tyrant") through the years, but nothing has reached the overwhelming popularity my first official column gained.
I could continue regaling you with tales of boring paper stuff, but that's not why you're reading this… if it is, I feel sorry for you.
Anyways, let's start from the beginning. To set the scene, a few months prior, I had proposed to Hermione. At first, we were really calm and collected about it. After all, we were still very young (I was twenty-two and Hermione was twenty). That was in April (I think). When this story starts, it's November and Hermione is suddenly overcome with, what I dubbed, "Wedding Dementia." I don't want to go too into detail, because that would ruin the story. Let's just start it up, shall we?
Author's Note: If anyone cares to note, a lot of the inspiration from this chapter was taken from the book, "Someone Like You" by Sarah Dessen. It has been ages since I read the book, but it pretty much is the gist of what happened. Some of the pregnancy stuff in this story will take insight from that book. Hopefully, it won't be EXACTLY the same, but if it is, I apologize. Pregnancy really isn't my thing (being as I'm seventeen). So, like I said, this chapter leaves you with a few questions. Obviously, Hermione got pregnant. To pose you with a question as to what the plot of this one will be:
Why was there so much focus on Molly and her presence and the way she treated Hermione?
This one will have a more family-oriented plot, but will still have tons of relationship stuff. You will learn more about (my ideas of) the rest of the Weasley clan and Hermione's as well.
So, for the first time this story, review and I will love you forever!