What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

by The Obsidian Angel

Its a classic question, but what would KH, Inuyasha, and FF characters do for a Klondike bar? Would they race? Would they swim? Would they run a chain of mall shops to see who comes out on top! Heck yea they would! By me and Angelistical!

2. CHOOSE BXXXXX

"CHOOSE BITCHES!" The voice repeated, shaking the ground beneath them. Riku shuddered and commenced to hold on to the floor. Kairi, perplexed as always, raised an eyebrow.

"How do you hold on to a floor?" She giggled her insanely mad hyena giggle. "You're a dumbass, Riku".

At this, the entire room began to point and cackle at the defenseless Riku. It wasn't exactly clear whether they were actually amused or if it was just a desperate attempt to drown out the hideous wails of Kairi.

"HEY!" Sound waves reverberated throughout the dark terrain. "I'M THE EVIL MALEVOLENT VOICE OF DOOM HERE!"

"AGH!" Naraku gave a high- pitched girly scream from the back of the audience. "Oh, it's okay, you guys". He crooned and ran his pale white finger tips over his precious nails. "I can fix it".

Inuyasha, tired of this psycho bullshit and not having a line for that matter, spoke up. "Just who the hell do you think I are?! … AM?! What the hell are we supposed to be doing here?" He shouldn't have been wasting his time with a bunch of crackpots. He could be at home masturbating. He stiffened. Did he just say that out loud? With dildo. Doh! There he went again! I like boobies. Everyone had turned to gawk at him except his brother who couldn't agree with his sexual pastime more. The rest, however, continued to gaze on and a humiliated Inuyasha, descended to the stained glass foundation, his face in his palms. He uttered a low defeated cry.

"Would anybody else like to challenge me?" The voice sweat- dropped from somewhere in oblivion. They were all still staring, wide eyed at a sobbing Inuyasha.

"How does a voice sweatdrop?" Aeris wondered aloud.

"Hey do you wanna write this?!" The author boomed.

Aeris just shrugged and took a few quick steps back.

"You can take it from here, Bob"

The voice roared. "You weren't supposed to say my real name!"

The author blinked, dumbfounded.

"Oops", she muttered and pranced away.

"Well", Bob sighed. "there goes the mystery… anyhoo". He regained his deeper tone. "There are fifteen keys. Some of which hold the grand light of great power and great responsibility. Others reek of terrible darkness and misfortunate. The rest are just gay. Shall we begin?" He asked, his voice wavering with blatant anxiety. Suddenly the pillars on which the keys rested took on a heavenly glow, each carved in a delicate marble design. Vines intertwined sensuously around mythical creatures and legendary heroes, accenting the dark void in a mysterious glow. Among the keys lay four different varieties. Three of them gleamed in royal gold, blinding any eye that may behold them. Four shined silver, as fluorescent as the rising sun, as liquid as a crescent moon. Seven donned a rough copper, darker than the driest Earth. The last was pretty in pink, dancing prissily upon the emerald green marble.

"Sephiroth!" Jenova scolded and took her son by the wing with a pungent mass of flesh. "Move your ass, boy! I want the golden key!"

"Yes, mother dearest!" He squealed caught up in the joy that was slaving for Jenova. He scrambled off to obtain a golden key, muttering something about honor. Smiling triumphantly, he struck a ballerina pose only to have a blob of flesh smack him upside the head. Stunned, he tripped and hit his head on a pillar. Jenova sighed as she slid over to her son who was now apparently knocked out cold. If she wanted something done right… She let her son keep the copper key that he had picked out and took a golden one from the middle. Then, with her mission accomplished, she slid back to her former place on the glass floor, dragging Sephiroth by the wing.

Riku, on the other side of the room, had decided that he wanted a silver key. Kairi, too, had made the decision as well as Sora who would jump off of Mount Olympus if she told him to. And he had on many occasions. Being the brainless, simple- minded island dwellers that they were, they felt that they had to race for it. It didn't mean anything that there were four keys and they could each have one. No, they would race for it. After all, wasn't that their solution for everything?

"Ready?" Kairi started, giggling a bit. Riku and Sora both nodded before slipping their earplugs in. Racing increased Kairi's giggling tenfold. They had to be careful not to risk severe ear damage. "GO!"

They tore off across the glass foundation with a fiery speed. That was until, they all went ramming into the pillars that were only about a yard away. Riku knocked a copper key from a pillar and it fell into his hands. Sora grabbed on to a pillar before he could sail any further and ended up taking a copper key as well. Kairi, however, took hold of a silver key, regardless of the fact that it would not hold the hundred pounds that she had gained over the summer on Paopus. Still giggling, she fell straight through Snow White's apple on the stained glass. "HEE HEE HEE hee hee heeeeh heh…".

She trailed off as she sunk deeper into the unfathomable darkness. Everyone looked up as she suddenly came plummeting from above them.

"That was weird", Cloud muttered, before turning to the rest. "I shall choose my key now", he announced as if anyone actually cared. Apparently, someone did. Aeris and Tifa, giggling their asses off walked up to him.

"I want a key, Cloud!" Tifa sang.

"So do I, Cloud!"

Cloud grinned. All he had to do was sit around and pose like a confused dumbass and the ladies would come running. "Alright", he nodded. "What do you want, Tifa?"

"Why does she get to go first?" Aeris complained, bumping against Cloud with her butt.

"Because I'm special", Tifa explained, butting Cloud with her chest.

Cloud just stumbled back and forth between them, as he wasn't very stable. "Now girls…" He started before accidentally poking Tifa in the eye with one of his spikes.

"AGH!" She screamed and ran around in circles.

"Tifa!" He called, but she only rolled around on the glass, cutting herself where Kairi had crashed through. "TIFA!" He called again

Aeris just giggled a bit and attained a golden key.

Naraku, stepping towards the pillars, had decided to make his choice. "Oh my God, you guuuuuys! They are like soooooooo cuuuuuute!" He gave a tiny little shriek of excitement and moved along. "Gold or silver?" He contemplated. Which would go best with his new tiara? "This is like SUCH a hard decision!" After an hour of whining, he finally took a silver one. Ansem was now browsing through the keys. "Too light. Too light. GOD, IT' S BLINDING ME! Do you NOT have anything dark enough for my tastes?!"

"Whatcha see is whatcha get", Bob droned.

Ansem glared. "You just wait, Bob! You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Now then… darkness. Darkness. Darkness…". He finally grinned upon reaching a copper key. 'This will do". He whispered to himself. Carrying a black pail of paint to one side of the drifting glass saucer, he started on his masterpiece. "Yes. Yes! YES!" He babbled incoherently from his little corner. After a few seconds, he passed out from the fumes.

Cid groaned from the other side of the room when he caught Leon staring at him. It was a well known fact that Leon had opened a new chapter in his life and was now a health nut. It didn't really help their social relationship that Cid was now smoking the biggest cigar in the known world.

"Ahem", Leon gave a mock cough from the other side of the room. Cid did nothing.

"Ahem", Leon came again. "Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. AHEM!"

"What's the problem?!" Cid inquired.

Leon, looking as if he had been waiting to say something for years, skipped on over. "Cid", he sighed, putting a hand to his shoulder. "Smoke kills".

Cid cocked an eyebrow. "What the fuck?"

"Smoke kills, Cid". He seemed close to tears. "Did you know that millions of people die a day from smoke?"

Cid cracked up and turned to Ansem. "Will you look at this bitch?"

Leon stiffened, his eyes glowing crimson red. Cid backed away. "It's…" Leon muttered, his eyes twitching. "It's…"

Cid moved closer to him, curiosity in his eyes. "Yeah, Leon? What is it?"

"It's… OVER!" Leon bellowed and caught him by the throat. "IT'S OVER!" He screamed, banging Cid's head against the glass. "THOUSANDS!" Bang. "OF PEOPLE!" Bang. "DIE FROM SECOND HAND SMOKE!" Bang. "EACH!" Bang. "FUCKING!" Bang. "YEAR!" Bang. He tossed Cid over his shoulders. "DO" Bang. "YOU" Bang "WANT LUNG CANCER?!" Bang. Bang. Bang. Finally, he sent Cid flying off of the glass plate, head first. "YOU TOO CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES, FUCKER! Ah…" He gave a small sigh. "Now where was I?" He daintily pranced across the glass to take the last gold key. He tossed a copper one at the unconscious Cid who had just fell back onto the foundation, as Kairi had earlier.

Inuyasha, finally coming out of his embarrassed state, crept over to the keys and took a silver one. Jakken, too, took a silver key. That is after jumping a few times to reach it. Tifa, who had finally calmed down had the nerve to get angry when there were only copper and pink left. Pouting, she and Cloud took the copper keys.

"You turn", Inuyasha grinned evilly at his older brother who had been asleep the entire time, using the green thing as a pillow.

"It's Jakken!" The green thing squeaked from beneath his master.

"Jakken!" The green thing squeaked even louder. "I am NOT a green thing!"

Then the green thing, who was indeed a green thing and couldn't get any more green than that, sat upright, pushing his master off of him.

"Jakken", he muttered annoyed. "I told you not to move!"

"But you must pick a key, master!"

Shessomaru cursed. Fuck the keys. Fuck them all. Why was this happening to him? All he wanted was some sleep. Groaning, he stepped up to achieve his pink key and sat back down, using Jakken as a mat.

"You have made your choices", boomed Bob. "Now you will reap them. I give you… FOURTEEN FANTASTIC DEPARTMENTS OF YOUR CHOICE! THE SYTLES ARE HIP! THE MUSICS TIGHT! THE PRICE IS RIGHT!"

Everyone gagged at Bob's new, cheesy voice.

"YOU'VE BEEN SENT HERE TO COMPETE FOOOOOOOOOOOOOR…"