For a long time, Ash had viewed her as a super girl. She had been through so much and knew so much and just seemed to understand everything. Have you ever seen someone walk into a room, and right away you think, I want to be that person? You want to look like her and act like her and think like her, and have the same effect as her? That's how Ash had felt about Roxie the first time she had walked into their homeroom a few months before- she had watched her walk in, and practically demand the attention of everyone in the room. Everyone was fascinated by her, because she just had that presence. It was a rare quality that few people had, but Roxie had nailed it. She had this "fuck-the-world" look on her face. The rules didn't apply to her. She was real, and raw, and special. She was everything Ash had always hoped to be, but couldn't. Roxie had captured some essence that Ash could only dream of- when you looked at her, there was something about her that made you know that no matter what, she would always come out on top in the end. She didn't let it on, but Roxie always seemed to be just one step above everybody. Like she knew something that nobody else did, her little, special, perfect secret.
Only now did Ashley realize that Roxie…well, Roxie was just like everyone else.
She was trying to act tough, but she wasn't strong, you know? She was trying, she was trying so hard, but she couldn't pull it off. There was something special about her, something that set her apart from everyone else. But, she got sad and scared and depressed and confused like a normal person, probably because she was just a regular person. Roxie had been so happy when she had first moved into her apartment, and her bubbly cheerfulness had been so cute. But now…it was like she was slowly realizing that everything wasn't going to be okay. They just weren't. She was trying to act normal, but she wasn't normal. Not at all.
Ash realized it as she watched Roxie folding the laundry they had just done at the Laundry Mart down the street. The Christmas tree they had decorated twinkled in the corner, and Roxie was sitting cross legged on the floor, methodically and carefully folding the clothes into neat piles. She was doing it with so much focus and precision that you'd think the world depended on it. She looked so cute and motherly, and she was babbling away happily, but Ash knew it was all an act. That afternoon, Roxie had received a rather disturbing call from her mother, which had ended in Roxie slamming down the phone and running to her room in frustrated tears. Ash knew it had messed her up a bit.
I couldn't tell you Why she felt that way She felt it everyday I couldn't help her I just watched her make The same mistakes again"I'm thinking about painting the back bedroom a nice yellow color. You know, after Manny moves out and all. I'm definitely going to have to do some redecorating soon," Roxie said, folding a pair of jeans and setting it aside. She reached for a shirt and focused on folding it into a nice square. "I guess I should really start planning, get a crib and stuff. You know, for the baby's room."
Ash smiled and nodded. "It'll only be a few more months, and then you'll be a Mom and everything. It'll be so fun, to have a baby around." She got off the couch and kneeled to the floor, taking some clothes to fold. Lately, she hadn't been sure how to act around Roxie. She wanted to act excited about the baby, but something was telling her that something was going to go terribly wrong. Roxie was smart and tough and mature, but she was she really ready to handle a baby? This was the girl that had overfed Ashley's goldfish two days ago, killing it, and now she was going to be responsible for another human life. And with Spinner? Mind-boggling.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?Too many, too many problems Don't know where she belongs Where she belongsRoxie nodded and stared at the floor. "Yeah…yeah, it will be. But…" she looked up at Ash with big, scared eyes and smiled softly. "It's going to be hard. I mean, I've been thinking about it. Look at me," she said, laughing hollowly, but she didn't sound very amused. "I'm getting horrible grades in school, I'm living all by myself with no one to help me out, and I'm definitely not making any money. How am I supposed to take care of a baby, when I can barely even take care of myself?" She laughed again, but it was a sad laugh.
Ash cleared her throat and fiddled with the sweater she was holding. "Well….have you ever thought about….adoption?" With the way things had been going lately, Ash was beginning to think that the only thing to do was give the baby up. Wouldn't it be the better option for everyone involved?
She wants to go home but nobody's home That's where she lies broken inside No place to go, no place to goTo dry her eyes broken inside
Roxie stared out the window next to her, and a look came over her face that Ash couldn't exactly read. A distant, faraway look. It scared Ashley, and she held her breath, waiting for a response. She expected Roxie to nod, agree with her, tell her she had been thinking the same thing. Instead, she was surprised by Roxie's response. "This baby is the only thing worth anything for me in the world," she said in a slow, eerie voice, staring out the window the whole time. "The only thing I have going for me. No," she said coldly. "Nobody's going to take my baby from me." She reached over and snatched the shirt out of Ashley's hand. "Nobody."
Her feeling she hides Her dream she can't find She's losing her mind She's fallen behind She can't find her place She's losing her faith She's fallen from graceShe's all over the place
Ash was stunned. She hadn't meant to upset Roxie, she really hadn't. She felt bad for even suggesting it, and she cleared her throat awkwardly. "I'm sorry. I really am," she stuttered. Roxie avoided looking at her as she continued folding the clothes. "Of course no ones gonna take your baby. It's your baby, after all. That was stupid. I was just saying…" What was she saying? She wasn't even sure anymore. She wasn't sure about anything anymore. She clamped her mouth shut.
Roxie stood up and picked up the laundry basket. "I'm going to put Manny's stuff in her room," she said curtly. "Then Spin is picking me up in a little bit for my check-up. So maybe you should go."
"Yeah. I probably should." Ash stood up and watched as Roxie disappeared into Manny's small bedroom. She sighed and grabbed her purse and coat. She wanted to talk to Roxie about the baby, but every time they started talking, Roxie would just become really distant and…well, delusional, almost. It scared Ashley, because she was worried Roxie may be losing touch with reality. She wanted this baby to be the thing that would change her life. She wanted it to work out so badly, that it broke Ashley's heart. This baby was going to be the thing that saved Roxie. Or was it? Ashley frowned and grabbed her purse and coat, and opened the door.
But as she turned back to shut the door behind her, she spotted Roxie standing by the window, staring out into the darkness with a detached, preoccupied look on her face. The face of someone who was looking for something, someone who was afraid and confused. And it killed Ashley, because she couldn't figure out a way to help. She had racked her brain for hours, but couldn't come up with a thing. She had managed to help Manny out, but she was afraid that helping Roxie wouldn't be so easy.
She closed the door behind her, leaving Roxie, the girl she had once thought was on-top of the world, standing all alone at the window, staring at her own reflection and watching the snow fall.
Jimmy pulled his car to a stop in front of the large apartment building, staring out the window at the falling snow and the velvet sky. He killed the engine and sat in silence for a second, leaning his head back against the seat and taking a deep, relaxing breath. It didn't help. He finally unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car, and he immediately heard arguing voices floating through the air. He crossed the street and spotted Roxie and Spin standing in front of Spinner's car, their loud voices slicing through the silent night, peaceful night.
"You're not driving me anywhere, Spinner. You and that car combined are a lethal death-trap," Roxie snapped, her hands placed on her hips. She was wearing a long winter jacket, and a festive knit-hat was pulled over her long blonde hair. "Do you think I'm stupid?" Just then, she spotted Jimmy a few feet away, and sprinted over to him. She grabbed his arm and pulled him aside before Spin could see him. "Thanks for coming," she said in a low voice. "He's driving me insane, Jimmy. You better hold me back, 'cuz I'm about to go at him. I didn't know who else to call, really."
"He's been drinking?"
Roxie snorted. "He smells like he bathed in it. It is…" she paused and glanced at her watch. "Six in the evening. Six in the evening, and Spin is drunk. What a fucking moron. Showing up to take me to a doctor's appointment hammered. And he refuses to leave. He's like, demanding to take me. I thought you could maybe help me out a little bit? You know, possibly tame the drunken beast?"
Jimmy sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Alright," he muttered, although he doubted he'd do much good. He and Spin had barely spoken in days. "I'll try." He cleared his throat and walked over to Spin, who was leaning against the car and scuffling his feet on the cement. Jimmy patted Spin on the shoulder. "Hey, there. What's up, buddy?"
Spin looked up, surprised. "Jimmy? What the hell are you doing here?"
Jimmy shrugged casually. "You know. Just cruising around. Couldn't help notice you were giving Roxie a hard time. Look, how about this? I'll drive you home so you can lie down, and then I'll take Roxie to her appointment, and we'll call it a day?"
"No!" Spin shouted. "I'm here to take Roxie, alright? I've go to. I promised."
"And I guess you promised to show up drunk, right?"
Spin stared at him in silence for a bit, and Jimmy wondered if he had somehow managed to pass out with his eyes open. Finally, Spin stared at the ground and scuffled his feet. "I promised I'd take her," he mumbled. Good old Spin. He was an asshole sometimes, an insensitive jerk, but he was a sweetheart, when he put some effort into it. Which was rarely, but still… He was trying to do something nice, but in typical Spinner fashion he had completely unintentionally screwed it all up. It made Jimmy feel almost sorry for him. Almost.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Jimmy said, and then reached out and snatched Spin's car keys out of his hand. Spin incoherently tried to get them back, but he just stumbled about, looking like….well, a drunk. A sad drunk. Jimmy stuffed the keys in his pockets. Spin sneered at him. "Give me my fucking keys, man." He suddenly reached out and grabbed Jimmy by the collar, and Jimmy was surprised by his strength. "Give them to me."
"No!" Jimmy said, pushing Spin away. The snow was falling harder now. Spin stumbled, and then shoved Jimmy back. Spin was about to punch him, but Jimmy quickly grabbed him by the arm and threw him down on the ground. Spinner landed on the snow with a thud. "I said no, Spinner. You can get your keys back when you've sobered up a bit and stop being such a fucking ass."
Spin stared at him from the ground, and Jimmy thought he was going to jump up and have another go at it. He was preparing for another shove, another sloppy punch. But instead Spin just lay in the snow. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Jimmy could see his breath in the cold. "I'm sorry." He rolled over and pulled himself up, and he plopped down on the front steps of the apartment building. Then he dropped his head in his hands.
Jimmy glanced hesitantly at Roxie. "Spin….it's ok. I mean, it's not ok, but….you've been drinking…again."
Spin took a shaky breath, his face still buried in his arms. "I know," he muttered. "I know. I'm just….I'm really scared."
He admitted it. At least he could admit it- wasn't that one of the steps in one of those rehab programs that always did people good? Jimmy watched him, realizing how horrible the past couple of weeks- the last couple of months- had been for his best friend. Look at him- he was slumped over on a stoop, drunk and practically crying over the disaster his life had become. Jimmy had thought that Hazel breaking up with him had been pretty shitty (read- hours of Jimmy pathetically begging her to take him back), but it all looked shallow and unimportant compared to what Spin was going through.
"So you think alcohol is going to make everything alright?"
Spin looked up. "No. Yes. I mean…I don't know. God, it's just….I can't handle it. Paige is still in the hospital, and I fucking killed someone…"
Jimmy glanced quickly at Roxie, whose mouth fell open. He cleared his throat. "Um…Roxie, could you go inside and get Spin a blanket or something? He's probably wet." He could tell she was dying of curiosity, but she nodded and hurried inside. Jimmy waited until she was gone. "So that's what this is about? Dean?"
Spin rubbed his hands together anxiously. "Yeah. Yeah. I…I didn't think it would bother me. I mean, I wanted him fucking dead. Jesus, I wanted to do it with my own two hands." He shook his head. "But now….there's just this empty void where that satisfaction should be. The bastard's dead, and I'm not even happy about it."
Jimmy stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared blankly at the white ground. It was like a dream. The flames, the screams…it seemed like it had happened to someone else. They hadn't done it. They hadn't trashed Dean's room, Spin hadn't lit a cigarette, and he hadn't thrown it on the floor without bothering to put it out. It had all happened to someone else; someone else was living with the guilt, the horrible memories. But it had been them. That night, Spin and Jimmy had found Marco and Craig, and they had quickly ducked out of the party, all of them wishing to forget the night had ever happened. But they had been halfway down the street, and Marco was insisting he was still completely gay, despite his mega-make-out session with that horny blonde, when they'd first heard the screams- there was a fire. People came rushing out onto the lawn, and soon, the house was slowly burning to the ground. Spin and Jimmy had stood there, dumb-founded, as they watched it crumble and fizzle and burn. It had been so surreal.
They didn't piece it together until the next morning. Dean's body had been found in his room, or what was left of it. The firemen had said it had started there, and Dean had most likely run back in to get some of his things, which was just about the stupidest thing he could do. He hadn't made it out- most likely inhaled too much smoke, and then the flames had gotten him. It was such a wrong way to die, so unnatural. They'd asked Jimmy and Spin some questions, and they'd lied like hell. Told them they were just walking by, having a chat when they'd noticed the frat house and the flames. After all, they weren't college students- no one could place them, put a name to their face. And they'd gotten away with it. They had just walked away, wiping their hands clean of their dirty work and trying to get on with their lives as normal. But apparently, Spin wasn't going at it so well. He'd been drinking all the time, not talking to anyone, showing up to school and band practice tanked. It was getting out of hand.
"I thought…I thought if Dean was gone, it'd make everything better," Spin explained. "But, like, it didn't help, you know? It didn't help Paige. He's dead. So what? I….I'm…" he shook his head, trying to clear his mind of all the booze. "I fucking killed someone, dude. It was my fault."
Jimmy was silent. He couldn't exactly argue with that- it was completely true. There was no point in feeding Spin pointless lies, because it wasn't going to help anything at all. "Yeah…" he said, trailing off. That wasn't helping much, either.
"Paige isn't talking to me, you know that?" Spin asked. His cheeks were tinted pink from the cold. "She refuses to see anyone. Not even me. I bet she doesn't even know Dean's dead yet. She might not be out for awhile, that's what they say. And it's not just that. I can't handle this." Jimmy spotted Roxie walk out the door behind Spin, holding a blanket.
"To top it all off, Roxie's having my kid," he said, oblivious to Roxie. "I mean, my kid. And he's going to grow up knowing his Dad is such a fuck-up. What if I'm not a good father? I'm just scared I'm going to mess this up real bad, cuz I don't want to. At first, I didn't want this baby. It seemed like such a burden. But now…" he bit his lip. "I'm kind of excited. Yeah. It's my baby. And it's going to love me and I'm going to love it no matter what. For the first time in my life, there's actually something for me to work for, something worth living for. Besides Paige, but she's done with me. But I'm just scared, because I don't think I can do it. I'm just a loser." Then he started crying. Not like hysterical sobbing, but angry, frustrated tears began spilling down his cheeks. Jimmy couldn't recall ever seeing Spin cry before.
That's when Roxie sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. "It's ok. It's ok. It's going to be ok," she kept saying, and Spin covered his face with his hands again. "It's going to be ok…"
Jimmy watched for a bit, feeling like he was stomping in on some intimate moment. Like, he didn't belong there, because he couldn't possibly understand. He watched as Roxie comforted Spin, and realized what a special connection they had. They didn't love each other, but they had formed such a special and important bond over this baby, it was just…beautiful. That sounded corny, and Jimmy knew it, but wasn't it true? They had each other, so maybe things were going to turn out alright. Just maybe.
So Jimmy nodded at Roxie, who nodded back at him, and turned and walked back to his car. He wasn't needed, not anymore. But as he pulled out his keys and unlocked the car door, he couldn't help feel like he'd just learned some major life lesson, but he couldn't exactly put his finger on it. Love…love could you get through anything, even if it wasn't the kind of love that made you want to jump into bed with each other, but love was love, just the same. And Roxie and Spin…they loved each other. And they'd be ok. Even with all this messed up shit, they'd be ok.
Things had been going so well. Yeah, they'd been going good. Ever since she'd moved in with Roxie, Manny had been clean, clean as a whistle. She still smoked a bit and lit a few joints, but it was better than the heavy shit, the stuff that could really mess with your mind and fuck you up bad. Ok, so she wasn't technically clean, but it was step in the right directions. That's what it was all about- taking little steps, making a little progress, and eventually it would all add up and you'd be free. Free. Yeah, Manny would like to be free. Free of all the drugs and other things that had dragged her down, free of all those toxic people, free of all the filthy, invisible dirt that seemed to cover every inch of her skin. She'd tried to get it off- she scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, but it was still there. She hated feeling so dirty and worthless and wrong. For awhile, life without drugs had been so much better than life with them. Drugs…what a funny thing. Manny had always considered herself strong, but she knew she wasn't, not anymore. Because if she was, she wouldn't be hooked on drugs. Addicts were all weak, all of them. But it was so hard, just stopping. What people didn't understand was that it wasn't about the physical feeling you got from drugs- sure it was good and all- but it was really all in the head. You began thinking you needed it, and that you couldn't even function without it. Drugs…it's some nasty business.
Manny had been trying really hard to turn things around, make some permanent changes. She'd watched Roxie for the last couple of days, and she'd been thinking maybe she'd even like a baby herself. At least it would giver her something to look forward to, because lately life seemed so bleak and meaningless. Well, look at Roxie. She'd had it tough, but she was coming out ok. Not ok exactly…she was living alone and knocked…by Spinner (ugh)….but she seemed happy. Or as close to happy as you could get in a situation like that. But Manny did remember one night, when she'd first moved in and had come home to find Roxie sitting on her bed, crying. Just sitting there and crying. It was sad. Manny hadn't said anything or talked to her, and instead had just gone into her room and had gone to bed. Somehow she didn't feel like they were close enough for her to try to comfort her. But she couldn't forget that image. Well, maybe having a baby wasn't the answer, after all.
Manny had gone on a job hunt- mostly just because she was sick of Roxie constantly asking if she had "gotten to it yet." She'd kind of wandered around for a bit, and then had finally walked into the Quickie Mart on the corner to get a candy bar, and she'd noticed an "Employees Wanted" sign in the window. They'd offered her the job on the spot, because apparently working at a convenience store wasn't exactly the hottest job on the planet, but it was fine for Manny. She'd take the first thing she could get. She was desperate for money, anyway.
She here she was- standing behind the counter, wearing a grotesque green apron and visor, which much resembled vomit. She couldn't believe how heinously tacky it was. She watched as the tall, fat man dug into his pockets for his money. God. When Manny had taken the job, she'd realized she was going to have to deal with customers. She just hadn't known she was going to have to deal with extremely stupid customers. Finally, the man smiled and waved a bill in her face, like it was a glorious treasure. "Found it! There you go."
Manny snatched the bill out his hands, and opened the register. She just pushed a few random buttons- there were so many of them- and put the money away. She glanced at the man, who was eyeing the six candy bars he had just purchased lustfully, and Manny made a face. She almost felt morally compelled to tell the man how he so totally didn't need those candy-bars, because he was enough of a fat-ass already. But instead she forced a smile on her face and handed him the change. "Have a nice day!" she chirped. As you contribute even more to your own obesity, she silently added. The man nodded and walked out.
A few minutes later, a teenage boy walked up to the counter. He dropped his purchases, and peered at her. "Manny? Manny Santos. You work here?"
"Oh. Jamie," she said without much enthusiasm, recognizing the scrawny, disoriented looking-boy in front of her. He was the type that always looked out of, constantly high. She took his packet of doughnuts and Coke, and turned to ring them up. "Yep. Started yesterday. And it's been non-stop excitement and adventure," she replied dryly.
He leaned on the counter and watched her, his eyes dancing. "So I heard you like, robbed a bank to pay for this massive load of cocaine from across the border, but then you got knocked up by your dealer, so you ran away to have your baby, like, on a sheep farm in Indiana. And then your baby was kidnapped by some religious cult," he said excitedly. "Is it true?"
Manny smirked and rang up the items. "Something like that," she muttered, pressing a few buttons. "Four-fifty, please."
He reached into his pocket. "That's some insane shit. Look," he said, leaning in as he placed his money on the counter. He glanced around. "We just got a bunch of good shit yesterday, including some Ecstasy. We're going down to the lake tonight. I could hook you up. You interested?"
No. That's what she should say. She should tell Jamie to go fuck himself and never speak to her again. Drugs weren't her thing, not anymore. Right? She bit her lip. She was being jerked back and forth- on one hand, she needed to relax. Go out, mellow down- what was one night, one little slip up? On the other hand- the moral, right hand- she couldn't fuck up, not after all the work she'd been doing. Sure, it had been easy when there had been no temptation, but now….now that the offer was out on the table, it was hard to turn down. She glanced down at the money and cleared her throat. "You need one more dime."
"Oh." He pulled out another dime and set it down. "So, you in? You're my favorite girl, you know that, Manny?"
Yeah. She was every guy's favorite girl, when they thought there was a potential to get some. Jamie- ugh, the boy was semi- retarded. He was good for nothing but a quick hook-up, but there really wasn't much going on up there, you know? But, he was pretty much harmless. Stupid, but harmless. She cleared her throat, fiddling with the bracelet on her arm. "Um…I'm not sure. I'll call your cell when I get off my shift, ok?" Then she jotted down her own number for him, just in case. Damn. The words had just spilled out of her mouth. She'd made a promise to Roxie, and she had intended to keep it.
"Cool. Well, hopefully I'll see you tonight," he said, collecting his things. He smiled and winked- ew- and then turned and left. Manny watched him go, feeling like shit.
Because she was already thinking of a lie to tell Roxie about where she was going later that night.
"Stop messing with my boyfriend."
Ok, it was the end of the day, Emma was tired and cranky and in a terrible mood, her wool sweater made her feel like she was in a toaster oven, she was on her period, and she really, really wasn't in the mood for this. She wasn't in the mood for talking to anyone, let alone noisy bitches that dished attitude out with a shovel. She just wanted to sprint home and fall asleep, so another miserable day could be over. So the last thing she needed was Alex- the cold, hard, bitch of Degrassi- all up in her face.
"I'm hot, and I'm tired, and I'm PMSing like hell. I just had a terrible day, and your rat-like face is the last thing I want to see. And I hate you," she hissed suddenly, whirling around to face Alex. Alex stared at her in surprise. She hadn't thought Emma had it in her, but boy, did Emma have it in her. Alex eye's widened, and she smirked.
"Jesus. What did you have for breakfast?"
"A big bowl of "Get-out-of-my-face."
Alex rolled her eyes. "Oh, that was wonderfully original. What a scathing retort. Listen, answer my question. Are you still messing with Jay, or not?"
Emma narrowed her eyes. "One, I was never 'messing around' with Jay to begin with. Two, Jay is an idiotic, pathetic asshole. No thanks. I don't want your boyfriend, believe me."
"Oh, come on," Alex said with a haughty snort. "Admit it."
"Admit what?"
"Admit that it bothers you that rumors are flying around that Ellie is living with Sean. You can't tell me that doesn't bother you, even a little bit. Must be pretty hard to see your boyfriend shacking up with some other girl, like, three whole seconds after you broke up," she said, shrugging and glancing casually at her nails. "I'd be pretty pissed. I'd probably go slash her tires or-"
Emma sighed. "Yes, we all know what you would do, Alex. But I'm over Sean. I mean, he can do whatever he wants. Besides, Sean and I were never that serious." It was bullshit, complete and utter bullshit, but Emma couldn't admit the truth- that it hurt like hell. "Whatever. I mean…whatever."
"Not serious? Please! You two were practically married!"
"Ok, are you trying to make me feel like shit?"
"That wasn't the main goal, but it's an added plus," Alex said with a shrug. "Look, I'm just trying to make sure you've stopped throwing yourself at Jay."
Emma opened her mouth to tell Alex once again how she had never thrown herself at Jay to begin with, and had no intention to, but she realized it was a lost cause. Nothing was going to get through to Alex. Instead, Emma picked up her book bag. "You're right. I just must stop trying to seduce Jay. But can you blame me? He's so charming and classy," she said sarcastically. Alex smirked at her and shook her head, her oversized silver hoop earrings jingling.
"You know, Emma, you're not that bad." Emma stared at her. "No, I'm serious. I used to think you were just some stuck-up, anorexic bitch, but you're not that bad. You're actually kind of When you're not being such a geek, that is."
It wasn't really an insult, but it sure wasn't a compliment, either. Emma frowned in confusion. "Um…thanks?"
Alex chuckled. "Hey, listen, you should just get over Sean. Meet a new boy. Hey- you want to come to this party with me tonight? Well, it's just a little get-together, but whatever. Jay's been a real asshole lately, and I need some…"me" time, you know?" She smacked her gum and smirked at Emma. "It's pretty cool. You could meet someone. Some real men."
Real men. Yeah, Emma could use on of those, because boys just weren't working out for her. In fact, they sucked. And Emma was sick of being jerked around and used, and then just thrown out like a dirty rag. It was high time she found someone who treated her with a little respect, a little dignity. Sean and Jay…they were just boys. Stupid, silly boys that were more concerned with hockey and cars than about having a meaningful relationship.
"Ok," Emma said, nodding. "I'm game."
"Great," Alex said. "Pick you up around nine." She knocked on the locker behind Emma. "See you then." She turned and walked off.
Emma closed her locker. Tonight, she was going to have fun. She was going to do something wild and crazy, and she wasn't going to think twice about it. Tonight, she was going to let loose. Fuck Sean, and fuck Ellie. Tonight was about her.
"Hello?"
"Hey, is Manny there?"
Roxie shook her head and cradled the phone against her shoulder as she ripped open a bag of cookies. "Sorry. I think she's still at work. She should be home soon, though. I'll tell her you called- who is this? Is this J.T? Haven't I told you not to call every second of the day?"
"Uh…this is Jamie Wilder. I was just wondering if she was coming to the lake tonight. But I'll call her in a while, I guess."
Roxie frowned. Oh, yeah. The stoner who sat in the back of her Math class, the one that always fell asleep and drooled a little on the desk. What was Manny doing hanging with a loser like that? It clicked a second later- of course. Drugs. Why else did Manny do anything? She narrowed her eyes into the phone. "Actually….where did you want to meet her again?"
"Down at Pine Lake, on the beach."
Roxie bit her lip. "Ok. I'll let her know you called, then." And she hung up.
Shit, Manny, she thought, setting the phone down and putting the cookies back into the cupboard. She'd lost her appetite, anyway. Really, she had no actual reason to assume Manny was going to be doing any sorts of drugs, and if she did, so what, because it wasn't really Roxie's business, anyway. After all, if Manny wanted to go and fuck up her life again, then that was her decision. But then Roxie started getting a little mad, because it was sort of her business if Manny was living in her house. And Roxie had seen Manny' withdrawing, and it wasn't pretty at all. She wouldn't feel good and she'd get sick to her stomach, and then she'd get all these aches. And she tried to hide it, but Roxie knew. It scared Roxie sometimes, she'd seen it before- her parents would try to quit, be clean for a little while. Then they'd feel awful and they'd take some more heroin, and the pain would go away like that. It was a sick little cycle. And Roxie knew that she'd have to do something about it, because she wasn't just going to sit by and watch Manny do stupid shit, she just couldn't.
He didn't want to love her. She was everything he shouldn't want- fucked up and selfish and stupid. She was everything that could pull him in and drag him down all over again. She was the one thing he regretted, the thing that he'd been trying so hard to put behind him. He hated her sometimes- just thinking about everything she'd done- but at the same time, he couldn't stop loving her. He figured he never really had. You didn't turn your back on the ones you loved, you just didn't. No matter what they did, you had to stick by them. Seeing her had been great- it had been real great. He'd missed seeing her face, her smile, smelling her hair, as creepy as that sounded. When he'd hugged her, he'd never wanted to let go. He'd just wanted to stand there, smelling her hair and taking her all in, and he'd been afraid to let go, because she might slip away from him again.
His heart was such a fuck. It could never make up its damn mind about anything, especially girls. He'd been all happy with Roxie, thinking about what a cute little family they'd be, how he wanted to protect her for forever. He'd been content, for the first time in awhile. Roxie needed him. But then Manny had reappeared, at Roxie's apartment of all places, still looking as beautiful and perfect as ever. And now he didn't know anything anymore. He couldn't just ignore the feelings for Manny. Roxie and Manny were so different. Like, Roxie was the girl that Craig should be with, and Manny was the girl that he'd always end up with. That's how he felt- that Manny was that one girl that would always be there, waiting for him. He could date every girl in the universe, but somehow, he'd always end back up with Manny. Whether that was good or bad, he wasn't sure.
Craig pulled his car to stop at Pine Lake. Roxie had called him a bit ago, and told him that she thought Manny was going to get into some trouble tonight. Then she'd begged Craig to go find her, and make sure she was alright. Craig hadn't wanted to, to be honest. Manny wasn't his girlfriend, she wasn't even really a friend anymore. Did he really have the right to follow her around and tell her what to do? But he'd gone, like he always did, because he was one of those people that just had to make everything right.
He got out of his car, and spotted a group of kids on the snow-covered beach, huddled around a large bonfire. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked toward them. He walked near the fire, and no one really noticed him or gave him strange looks, so he figured he was ok. He went up to a girl and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me. Have you seen Manny Santos?"
The girl turned to him with a large, weird smile. Her pupils were like pinheads. "Manny? Yeah…well….yeah. I think she's here. Oh, right! She went off with Jamie, over there. I haven't seen them in awhile."
Craig frowned. "Over where?"
"Their probably in his car," the girl said, shrugging. "Want a beer, baby?"
"No," Craig said, shaking his head. "I'm just looking for Manny." Then he turned and walked toward the parking lot, wondering which car was Jamie. What the hell was he doing? He was like, stalking Manny. Even he could admit it was weird, but he couldn't stop himself. The thought of Manny doing anything with another guy was nauseating. He spotted a car set apart from the others, and he thought he saw people moving inside. He hurried over. When he got closer, he could see the hazy image of a girl with black hair through the frost on the window. Without thinking, he pulled open the door.
He'd found Manny. Yeah, he'd found Manny alright. Unfortunately. She was sitting on the floor in front of the passenger's seat, and the boy Craig could only assume was Jamie was sitting in the seat. His parents were unzipped, and it was painfully obvious what was about to occur. And to top it all off, a bag of white powder was lying on the driver's seat. Lovely.
"Craig!" Manny said, looking shocked. Her lip gloss was all smeared; her hair a mess.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
"God, Manny," Craig said, shaking his head. He shook his head, not even sure what to say. "God," he repeated.
"Hey, buddy, what the fuck?" Jamie said, looking pissed off. Craig ignored him.
"Come on," he said, reaching down and grabbing Manny's arm, pulling her out of the car. He wasn't going to have this- even though it wasn't really his business, he refused to do nothing about it. Manny had no idea what she wanted, what was good for her. She was really actually quite stupid about life in general. Manny had never really had her head screwed on right to begin with, but now it was like it was rolling around all over the place. God, why was she so stupid? And why couldn't Craig just stop caring? He pulled Manny out of the car, and the Jamie-kid kept cussing at him and stuff, but Craig ignored him.
"Shit, man, why you charging in on us like this?" Jamie asked, shaking his head. The boy was messed up, real messed up. "I had her first."
Craig glanced at Manny. "You didn't have her. And I don't think she wants to stay. So I'm taking her home. You want to leave, Manny?" She nodded slowly. Craig turned and smiled at Jamie. "Guess the ladies made her choice. You have a nice night, ok? Drive safely." Jamie stared at them for a second, and then scowled and stomped off back to his friends, giving Craig the finger.
"Loser," Craig mumbled, shaking his head. He took his keys out of his pocket and nodded toward his car. "Come on," he muttered, and began walking across the parking lot. Manny sniffled and hesitantly trailed behind him. Craig kept walking- he couldn't even look at her.
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
"I…I wasn't going to sleep with him," Manny said quietly. Craig smirked to himself.
"Yeah? Well, that's nice. You were just going to give him a blow job, but not sleep with him, right? You wouldn't want to look easy, would you?" he asked sarcastically. He finally reached his car, and walked to the driver's side.
"You know, I don't see how you can judge me," Manny said. "You don't even know me."
"I don't know you?" Craig repeated. She was so selfish and self-centered sometimes. He unlocked the door. "That's bullshit, and you know it."
"I'm not the same girl anymore. I'm just not."
"Well, your right about that. See, the Manny I knew wouldn't be here. The Manny I knew wouldn't be doing drugs and fucking up her life for no reason."
"I had a reason. I lost my boyfriend. The guy I loved. You wouldn't understand," she muttered angrily, shaking her head. Craig froze and laughed bitterly.
"Oh, my, God. Your so fucking self-centered, Manny. I don't understand? I don't fucking understand what it's like to lose someone? Both my parents are dead. You don't think I know how much it hurts? God, don't you ever think about anyone but yourself? Wake the hell up." Manny was silent. "You know, I used to feel sorry for you. After rehab and Carter… everyone did. But now…it's really hard. It's really hard to pity someone who's just making things worse herself. Trying to help you is so pointless."
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
"Gee, I don't remember asking for your help," Manny pointed out, folding her arms over her chest.
"Then why don't you go back and mess around with that kid and get high," Craig said, pointing back to the beach. You know that crazy thought he'd just had, about still loving Manny? Not so much anymore. She was so ornery and difficult, and Craig was just plain sick of it. Roxie was never like this. It was like, Manny was purposefully attempting to piss him off. She was having a good go at it, too. "I don't really fucking care anymore."
"You just think I'm a slut," Manny said slowly, looking Craig in the eye.
"I never said that. I just think you've seemed to loose all self-respect," Craig said, sounding tired and defeated. This conversation was going absolutely nowhere. "I don't think that. Because I know that inside, somewhere, there's still the Manny Santos that I remember. The Manny I fell in love with…forget it." He shook his head.
Manny bit her lip, and the two stood there for a few seconds in silence. "Craig?" she finally whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Will you take me home? I've had a really awful night."
Discomfort ,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
To Find myself again
My walls are closing in….
Then, suddenly, she was the old Manny, asking for help and being vulnerable again. Finally asking for a little help. Maybe she'd taken something; maybe she hadn't. Craig really couldn't be sure. But it didn't even matter anymore, because Manny was reaching out for a little help, and damn it, he was going to give it to her. He didn't really have anywhere to take her, because she really had no place to go. The hell she'd get from Roxie when she went back to the apartment. He thought about putting her up at his place, maybe just for the night, but that wouldn't be a good idea, he just knew it. What the hell should he do with her? She looked cold and wet and tired. She wasn't clean- it would be a long way before that happened. But she wasn't completely messed up, because Craig could see a bit of the old Manny shining through. And that was all he could ask for right now.
So they got into his car and Craig gave Manny a blanket, because she just looked so cold. And then he drove back to his house, and let her stay in the garage for a night.
Because just like he'd said, he'd never get rid of Manny Santos, even when he tried. She'd always be there, needing him. And in some weird way, he needed her.
"Are you sure I look ok?" Emma asked, running her hand through her hair and biting her lip. "It's just…this is so not me."
Alex smirked and unbuckled her seat belt. "I know it's not you. That's why it works. You look like your Mommy used to pick out your clothes. Seriously- you dressed like a blind ninety-year-old woman. It was unfortunate. But this- this is so you. You look hot. Accept it."
Emma smiled faintly. Hot was the word she would use to describe what she was wearing- it was more…angry. Her short black skirt, her black tights, her black leather jacket…it was all so angry. Emma had never really been into angry clothes, but even she had to admit her usual pastels were lame. But this….it was intense. And a little slutty. She tugged at her skirt. She wondered if she looked like a huge poser, because she sure felt like a poser. She was sure she couldn't pull off the whole "punk" look. But then she reminded herself that she was trying something new, make some changes. "O-k. If you say so."
A few minutes later, they were inside the house, and Emma glanced around. There was beer cans littering the floor, the room smelled faintly of pot, and people were practically dry-humping on the couch. It was not Emma's kind of party. Well, not the old Emma's kind, but new Emma totally fit in. Well, kind of. She followed Alex through the house to the kitchen, where Alex got them some beers. Emma stared at the beer, and Alex laughed.
"What- you don't like beer?"
Emma forced a careless laugh. "No! I was just… checking out how many carbs are in it. I'm trying not to eat carbs."
They walked around for a bit, talking with people, and Emma was surprised to find herself having a good time. They weren't really her kind of people, but she liked them, anyway. She was determined to have a good time. She had a lot to drink, and she smoked some pot, but it wasn't anything she couldn't handle. Good time. That's what it was all about- just relaxing and having a good time. And trying to forget that Sean Cameron ever existed. No, no, this wasn't about Sean. Don't' think about Sean. Don't think about Sean. In Emma's opinion, she could probably do better. And Alex kept telling her she could do better, and was acting like Emma was the one that dumped Sean and everything, not the other way around. It made Emma feel good, and she really stared to relax. And people were so nice. Or maybe they just seemed nice because Emma was a little stoned and a little drunk.
Emma was standing by herself, when Jay suddenly popped up next to her. He smiled slowly and glanced her over appreciatively. "You look good. New clothes?"
"Ew. Alex said you weren't going to be here," Emma said, making a repulsed face.
"Alex is an idiot. But I'm here," Jay said, smiling slowly.
"Well, if I had known that, I guarantee I wouldn't have come," Emma said. She frowned. "Now get away from me." She pushed him away. Jay smirked.
"You're drunk or something," he said, looking amused. "Emma Nelson, getting trashed. Hey, since when do you hang out with Alex?"
"For your information, Alex and I happen to be best friends." The girl had no idea what she was talking about.
"Yeah, I'm sure," Jay said, rolling his eyes. He glanced at her again. She was wearing black boots and tights and a deliciously short skirt, and a worn leather jacket. She looked like a dominatrix, one of those girls that just oozed sex. Which was funny, because Emma wasn't sexy at all. Sure, she was beautiful, but she didn't have that thing that made her a little sex-vixen. She was too wholesome or something. But now….Alex had clearly done a good job.
"Your looking hot, Emma. What- you didn't let your Mommy dress you today?"
"Why- do you like?" Emma said, twirling around and smiling. "I thought it was just a little much, but I kind of like it. I'm not little, perfect Emma Nelson that everyone hated."
"Everyone doesn't hate you-"
Emma snorted. "Please. Everyone thinks I'm an uptight bitch. I guess I kind of am." She laughed loudly. "God, no wonder Sean ditched me!"
"You know, I don't think you're a bitch," Jay said, stepping a little closer to her.
"Are….are you flirting with me?"
"I don't know. Do you want me too be?" He smiled flirtatiously. Maybe Emma was finally coming to her senses, and realizing that deep inside, she really wanted him.
"No," she said curtly. "Not even a little bit." Ouch. Shot down. Jay frowned. Why was it that Emma always managed to make him feel like crap?
"You know, I could really show you a good time."
"Yeah? Well, why don't you show me?" she said. Jay was taken a back. Emma was turning him down and then flirting with him a second later. This girl was so off sometimes- he never knew what was coming. "Alright. Come on." He took her hand and guided her across the room to the staircase. He caught Alex's eye and smiled smugly. She frowned at him and mouthed "fuck you". Alex was notorious for her insane jealous, and this was probably killing her. All the more reason to go through with it.
He found an empty bedroom, and he and Emma sneaked inside. He felt a little bit bad- Emma was obviously a bit impaired. But not enough to be completely out of it- that wasn't really taking advantage of her, right? They had kissed before, so there was something there- it wasn't like Emma was completely repulsed by him like she claimed. They started kissing a bit, and this time, it wasn't uncomfortable or unplanned. It was…right. Emma lay down on the bed, and Jay began kissing her neck. 'Is this ok?" he asked after a minute. Emma nodded and smiled at him. Jay wasn't going to make a girl do anything she didn't want- only real desperate bastards did that.
Emma couldn't believe she was making out with Jay- it seemed so against everything she believed in. But at the same time, it felt so right, so natural. She still wasn't sure how she felt about him, but she just felt ready to do something wild and crazy and totally unlike her. Wouldn't hooking up with Jay be just the thing? No one could ever imagine Emma Nelson sleeping with a guy at a party, but that made it even more appealing.
Jay took off his shirt, and Emma stared appreciatively at his toned chest. He leaned in to kiss her again, but his ring snagged on her shirt, and there was a loud ripping noise. In that second, Emma panicked. It brought back horrible memories of her rape, the struggling as he tried to tear off her clothes. "No!" she muttered, but he didn't hear her.
"No!" she screamed. Jay stopped.
"Emma, are you ok?"
She pushed him off, breathing hard. "Get- get off me! Just…stop!"
Jay sat back and stared at her. "Emma, I didn't mean to….look, if you don't want to do this, then…"
Emma jumped up and bolted from the room, but Jay reached out to grab her arm. "Emma, wait- are you alright? You're-"Emma swallowed hard and jerked her arm away. "Stop it!" Then she turned and sprinted out of the room and down the staircase, tears pouring down her face. As soon as she got to the living room, she spotted kids being ushered out the door by two uniformed officers. The party had been busted. Everyone turned to look at Emma, with her messy hair and torn shirt. Jay came barreling down the stairs after her. "Emma, I didn't mean to-"
"Miss, are you ok?" one officer asked her. The room was silent. Emma took a deep breath.
"He- he attacked me."
"Who?"
"Him," Emma said, the tears still spilling down her cheeks. She pointed a shaky finger at Jay, whose mouth was hanging open in shock. "He…he tried to rape me. I…I said stop, and he…" she trailed off and began sobbing again. The officer touched her arm gently, while the other officer grabbed Jay.
"Hey!" Jay said, shaking his head. "What are you-"
"Son, you're going to have to come with us," he said gruffly. Jay glanced at Emma.
"No! That's not true!" he said, staring at Emma. "Emma, tell them that's not true…"
"Don't talk to her," the officer commanded, taking his arm and leading him toward the door. Alex, who had her arm around Emma, scowled at him as he passed. "Bastard!" she yelled, shaking her head. "You fucking bastard…"
"Alex…Emma…" Jay stuttered as the officer lead him out the front door. "I swear I didn't…" his voice trailed off as the door closed shut behind him.
Emma sat on the stair, crying uncontrollably as Alex tried to comfort her. "He's dead…he's such an asshole…" Alex continued muttering, but Emma wasn't listening. Images of the party months before kept popping into her head, images of Kevin, the boy she had meant and thought was so nice….blurring with images of Jay. Soon her mind just became a complete mess. She shook her head and cried and cried, until she felt like she couldn't cry anymore.
Author's Note- Finally- an update! Thanks to all those who read and review my work, and thanks for the advice....If you read this soon after I updated, I think there might be some confusion about parentheses and question marks or something that was wrong with the upload feature on here...but I'm updating again, just to be sure. So...what will happen with Manny and Craig? Wha'ts up with Emma? And will Roxie and Spin be ok? REad to find out! THe songs I used were "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne, and "Crawling" by Linkin Park....Keep reading and and reviewing! THanks.
By the way...if you liked my story "BreakDown", I'm sad to say it won't be finished for awhile, if ever. I just didn't plan it out and I can't think up anything good....Sorry! I'm going to focus on this story and Don't Say A Word...but thanks for reading it!