A Razor's Edge
Words can be more cutting than one knows. How much pain can one person bear? LJ, ratedPG13 for some serious self-mutilation. MWPP era, one-shot, please read and review, no flames.
A-N This fic is in third person, but the POV still jumps, because it shows scenes without Lily and scenes without James. I so kindly marked these scenes. Pay attention to the flashbacks.
o0o0o --- Lily --- o0o0o
"James?"
James turned to see two emerald eyes gazing searchingly at him.
"Lily."
He turned back to face the sunset. Lily pushed through the door to the top room of the astronomy tower and approached him timidly.
"Don't."
Lily promptly shut her mouth. She had been about to speak, but James beat her to it. She bit her lip, but suddenly, something deep inside her broke, and her gaze faltered, although James could not see it. She had to do this.
"James... James, I'm so sorry... I-"
"No, you're not, Lily," he interrupted.
Lily opened and shut her mouth like a fish, no sound coming out.
"You aren't," he repeated, locking his hazel eyes onto her green orbs for a moment. Emotions clouded his face briefly, and Lily struggled to understand them. Then he turned to face the slowly sinking sun once more.
"James..."
"What do you think you could say that would fix it, Lily?" he said scathingly, turning back to face her yet again. "You meant every word you said. You know it."
A tear slipped down Lily's cheek, but James took no notice, except perhaps to become more derisive. "How long have I chased you?" he said, his voice trembling. "Seven years. Seven years you had me, my heart, lock and key, and what have you done all this time? Nothing. Sometimes worse. Just when I finally think everything's going right, it caves in! For the past three weeks, I've been blowing off Moony and Padfoot to spend more time with you, to be with you. And then you tell me you can't be with me? And when I ask you why, you don't know; you just can't? Leave me the fuck alone, Lily Evans, you've caused enough hurt to last me a lifetime."
Lily blinked twice, and hot tears cascaded down her face. James turned back and stared stormily out at the horizon. Without a word, Lily turned and fled from the tower, her cloak whipping behind her.
She came to a halt in front of the portrait to the Head's room and blinked back more tears. "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titallidendum," she whispered in a rush, and the portrait edged open with a creak.
Her eyes darted around, taking in the sight of the Head's room she shared with James. On either side of the room, there was a door leading to their respective bedrooms, and straight ahead was the bathroom they shared. A vase still lay broken by the hearth where James had flung it. Lily left it there.
She ran into her room and collapsed on the floor in a heap. Sobbing until she felt like her entire body would break, she lay there for what seemed like hours. She felt drained of everything. Nothing mattered anymore.
She stood when she felt she could take it, and leaned out her window. She saw the astronomy tower, but whether James was still sitting there or not, she could not make out. Her eyes began to fill again.
"It's because I love you, god damn it!" she screamed into the wind. "Because I love you! But it doesn't matter anymore, does it?!! None of it matters anymore!" She pulled her head back inside and fell to her knees. "None of it matters anymore," Lily whispered to herself.
She stood and swept out of the room and into the bathroom she shared with James. She sat on the lid of the closed toilet and lowered her head into her hands. Gripping her hair with both fists, she began to shake violently. She had thought she had been out of tears. She had been wrong.
She stood abruptly and rummaged through the cabinets above the sink. She found what she was looking for quickly - James Potter's sharp shaving razor.
sSsSs --- Flashback --- sSsSs
Three weeks previously
"Hey, Evans!"
Lily turned to see James running towards her down the corridor.
"What is it, James?" she said, trying to ignore the quickened pace of her heart.
"There's a Hogsmeade weekend coming up," he said as he slowed beside her. A grin lit up his face. Lily had to mentally berate herself. Stop thinking about how cute he is!
"So?" she asked scathingly. "You're Head Boy, James, we planned the Hogsmeade weekend. And we didn't forget anything. We cleared it with the teachers and the Headmaster, we announced it, we've been ready for a month, so your point would be..."
"So my point would be, Evans, will you go out with me?"
Lily lost it.
"Lily! My name is not Evans, it's Lily! If you care so much about me, why can't you call me by my goddamn name!"
James looked taken aback.
"All right then," he said, a bit more quietly. He was quite subdued. "Lily... will you go out with me?"
Lily smiled and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.
"Yes," she whispered before turning to go to her next class, with a bounce that left James staring after her.
xXxXx --- James --- xXxXx
James sat there for a while after Lily left. The sunset was too perfect. He glared at it. It was the only thing in his life that was perfect. His father had died, his mother had left, and Lily was gone. He had probably succeeded in getting the Marauders angry at him too. Damn - he hadn't missed a full moon, had he?
The sun sank lower, and only a tip illuminated the forests and grounds, and the rest of the castle. From where he sat, James could see the window of his own bedroom, as well as Lily's bedroom.
As though in answer to his thoughts, the window in Lily's bedroom opened, and James distinctly saw a red head of hair stick itself out. Lily began to shout, and although the distance quieted Lily's voice considerably, he could hear her as clearly as he could when she stood behind him.
"It's because I love you, god damn it! Because I love you! But it doesn't matter anymore, does it? None of it matters anymore!"
James's heart jolted. Why had she broken up with him if she loved him?
Worse, why had he been such a prat? She loved him - god damn -
James's heart then stopped. It didn't matter anymore? What did she mean, it didn't ma-
James swept from the room in search of Sirius and Remus as all color drained from his face. He knew exactly what she meant.
sSsSs --- Flashback --- sSsSs
Earlier that afternoon
James couldn't believe his ears. "Wh-what?" he stammered.
Lily wouldn't look at him. There was always a reason why she wouldn't look at him. She was usually hiding something.
But she couldn't be hiding something. After this, there was nothing left to hide.
"Lily. Lily! Lily, look at me."
She still wouldn't look at him.
James took her by the shoulders and shook her slightly, and she looked up at him, her eyes red and brimmed with tears. Why is she crying? I'm the one who just got broken up with!
"Lily," he said, trying to keep his voice from sounding desperate, "why are you doing this? This - we - we were so perfect. It was wonderful. I was finally happy-"
James stopped and swallowed, taking a step back. He sounded so selfish to his own ears.
"I just have to," Lily said in a barely audible whisper, collapsing into a seat.
James beat his fist twice on the bricks around the fireplace. Lily shivered where she sat on the couch.
"Lily, you can't."
"I have to," she insisted.
He seized the vase on the mantle and heaved it at the ground. Lily let out a small whimper, and James looked at her as though he was seeing her for the first time. "Fuck, Lily- oh, Lily- Lily, I love you. Why are you doing this?!"
She inspected her fingernails with undeserved interest. "I can't be with you, James," she said softly to her hands.
"Damn," James said under his breath. When she didn't continue, he kept pressing. "Why, Lily?"
She looked up at him, and a tear trickled down her tanned face. "I just can't, James. Please say you understand-"
"Oh," James said coldly. "I understand. I understand completely. You are throwing away everything we fucking had - you are throwing away my entire world - on a whim."
And he grabbed his cloak and swept for the astronomy tower. Lily sat in shocked silence for hours before going after him with trepidation.
xXxXx --- James --- xXxXx
James swept into the Gryffindor common room fifteen minutes later, where Remus and Sirius were sitting and doing - gasp - homework. No wonder it had been the last place he looked for them. He sat before them so abruptly that they both looked up, looked down, and did a simultaneous double take.
"James." Sirius regarded him with caution. "Why... why aren't you with Lily?"
"She broke up with me," James said, feeling - something, definitely not emotion - well up in his throat. The lump forming there was quite irritating, actually.
"Oh, James," Remus said, putting a bookmark to keep his place in the thin leatherbound text he held and patting his friend's hand.
"Don't worry about me," he said bluntly. "It's Lily you should be worried about."
Both boys raised their eyebrows. "I thought you said she broke up with you?..." Remus said cautiously.
"She did," James said hurriedly, "but she came after me to apologize. Not to take it back, but to apologize for hurting me. I snapped at her, and she left, and I was alone for a few minutes, maybe fifteen... then at sunset, she opened her window and screamed out at me, I'm not even sure she knew I was still there, but all the same..."
Sirius scooted his chair a bit closer and Remus furrowed his brow.
"She said..." James paused. "She said none of it mattered anymore. Exact words. And I think..."
Remus paled and Sirius raised a brow. "You think what, Prongs?"
James swallowed. "I think she's going to kill herself."
There was shocked silence for a few moments, then Remus grabbed his cloak from the back of the chair.
"What are you lot waiting around for!" he cried as he walked quickly towards the portrait hole. "Lily needs us now!"
And before long, the three of them were running as fast as they could towards the Head's room.
o0o0o --- Lily --- o0o0o
Lily was seated on the closed toilet again. She sat with the razor in her shaking hand. She thought over the events of the previous day - the previous seven years, actually - with her eyes shut.
You always rejected him. Ever since the first year. You're such a fool. You delight in making things difficult for yourself. Nothing's happened to you that you didn't deserve or cause.
She drew the razor across the index finger of the left hand. A line of crimson appeared, quickly pooling into a large bubble. As it spilled down her arm, she couldn't help remembering the phrase from a song... pouring crimson regret. For that was exactly what it symbolized. Her regret.
You always treated him worse than he deserved. He was arrogant, sure, but he was wonderful. You resented him because he knew it. Then in sixth year, he forgot it. That's why you loved him. Why did you crush him?
She drew the razor across her middle fingertip, and another line streaked down. Her white linen shirt began to stain, but she didn't care. It wouldn't matter in the end.
You took him away from his friends. And you know his friends are wonderful! Sirius is so full of life. Remus is so wise. He was made to grow up too fast. And you tore the three of them apart.
Hand shaking, Lily pulled it across her palm, pressing it in deeply. The blood that ran down was astonishing. So much. Too much.
Not enough.
She stood in front of the mirror and began to write on it with her bleeding finger.
I'm sorry
I love you
I had to
Don't miss me
Live for me
Nothing matters anymore
She brought it to her wrist, and there was a moment of indecision. Then something fierce gripped her, and in one movement she slashed herself. It wasn't enough for her. She did it again, and again, leaving at least six angry marks, gushing a scarlet river from her arm. She fell to the ground and began to tear recklessly at her arms and legs with the razor. Her thighs were striped. Her arms were crisscrossed. She was finished.
Lily sank to the ground, losing her consciousness as the blood drained from her body.
sSsSs --- Flashback --- sSsSs
One week previously
"Lily, you're amazing," James murmured.
They were watching the sun set on the horizon. It was one of their favorite ways to spend time with each other. Since they had started going out they had not missed a sunset together.
"No, I'm not," Lily said, averting her eyes.
James looked at her. "Lily? What's wrong with you?"
She looked up into her hazel eyes with her emerald ones. She always lost herself in those eyes.
"I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that, Lily," James said fiercely.
"It's true," she whispered, as a rush of remorse ran through her. "I don't know why you like me so much."
James looked at her very seriously. "I don't like you, Lily."
Her heart sank. See where her mouth had got her?
He smiled a soft smile.
"I love you."
Lily's entire being felt on fire at those little words.
"Do... do you really?" she asked timidly.
James met her lips with his own. When he pulled away, he whispered fiercely, "Of course I do."
Lily looked up at him. "I love you too." She buried her face in his chest against the tears she felt coming.
"I always will."
o0o0o --- James --- o0o0o
The three boys burst through the door. The portrait had opened without even asking for the password. They surveyed the common room. It was empty.
"Right, then," James said, his face paler than milk. "Remus, check my room. Sirius, check the bathroom. I'll take Lily's room."
They all rushed to the respective doors and pushed right through. James hadn't gone two steps when Sirius let out a bloodcurdling yell. "Bloody hell! Lily! She's in here, guys - Merlin, I think she's gone! No, Lily, what have you done..."
James made it to the bathroom in record time, Remus right behind him. Sirius was kneeling beside Lily, who was lying in a pool of blood. Her skin had turned a lovely shade of light blue. Jamse blanched, but quickly sat and cradled her head. He could distinctly feel a pulse, but it was too weak for him to feel the tiniest bit relieved. She would be gone before long. He looked up at Remus. "She's still alive. Moony, what do we do?"
Remus, who was shaking, whispered, "It's a complicated spell. Sirius, go get some essence of belladonna, some crushed lavender, and some dragon blood."
Sirius looked at him blankly. "What? Where do you propose I get all that? Now?"
Remus shot him a look. "If you don't hurry, Lily will die. Use your imagination."
Sirius sprinted from the room, mumbling under his breath.
James knelt beside Remus, who had taken out his wand. "Should we take her to the Hospital Wing?"
Remus looked at James in disgust. "Are you kidding? Can you imagine the questions they'd ask? Not to mention that the Healer is an incompetent - no, I'd better do it."
Paler than ever, he pushed up his sleeve and said, in a wavering yet clear voice, "Restituo exsanguis abscindo."
Lily's cuts didn't heal completely, but they became smaller, and the color seemed to be slowly returning to her skin. Blood still flowed freely from her, but it was a smaller flow.
"What did you do?" James whispered as he anxiously stroked Lily's cheek.
"Blood restorative spell," Remus muttered. "You tend to pick things up when you're always reading."
Sirius dashed back into the room with his hands full of vials.
"That was fast," James commented shakily.
Sirius snorted. "Are you kidding? Do you know how easy it is to steal from Snivellus? Everyone knows he's a little potions freak."
Remus strode to the large bath and drew water, holding his hand out. Sirius mutely handed him the essence of belladonna, and Remus poured in a good tablespoon. Sirius passed him a handful of crushed lavender, and it was sprinkled all through the water. Three drops of dragon's blood later, they were lowering Lily into the water, clothes and all.
The cuts on her legs and arms seemed to close before their eyes, but white marks remained, small but bright on her skin. The three boys held their breath as they watched her float.
Then her eyes fluttered open.
sSsSs --- Flashback --- sSsSs
Sixth year, the year previous
"Oh! That tickles, Remus!"
Lily shrieked with laughter as Remus poked her sides. Sirius held her wrists firmly but gently with a smile on his face, and James watched it all with a grin.
"Let - me - go!"
They released her, and she collapsed on the ground, pulling all three down with her in a heap.
"Where's Peter?" she asked suddenly, frowning.
Sirius shrugged. "Who knows. Who cares."
Lily pushed him, and he proceeded to tickle her. Remus and James joined in, and soon she was rolling in laughter, tears of mirth rolling down her cheeks.
When they finally let her be, the four of them lay on their backs, staring up at the puffy white clouds that slowly drifted by.
"We'll always be friends, won't we, guys?" Lily asked uncertainly.
Lily didn't see, but Remus, Sirius, and James exchanged a look. Lily had made her way into their friendship. Sure, she had a little help from James, but there was no denying she would change the bond the three of them had. They weren't sure it was something they wanted changed.
Then the three of them looked at her, all at once. Her eyes were closed, and a leaf was caught in her red hair. The serenity, the peace she exuded, they all loved her for it. Her naivety, her sweetness, her purity, this was what had drawn them.
Yet they knew what really lay behind the Lily everyone else saw. They were the only ones who knew about her pain. They knew about her loneliness, her insecurity, her fears. They knew about her broken family, the evil aunt she lived with, the father she avoided, the mother who had checked out on her in a very Muggle fashion in fourth year. They had been afraid she would follow suit.
They couldn't let that happen.
Like it or not, all three boys loved her, closer than a sister.
She was Lily. That was all that needed to be said.
"Of course we will," Remus said softly.
cCcCc --- All --- cCcCc
The first thing Lily saw was James's hazel eyes gazing at her. Even though her mind was still incredibly foggy, she registered dimly that this was a form of irony. Merlin was cruel after all.
"James," she whispered.
"Lily?" said all three boys at once.
She tried to sit up, and failed. Sirius took a step, and kicked something on the ground. As Lily looked weakly at Remus, who smiled sadly down at her, Sirius nudged James. "Look, mate," he said in a low voice.
James looked. Sirius had kicked the razor he used to shave every morning. It had been lying in the pool of blood, and was definitely what Lily had used. He bit back a cry. He could still barely believe she had done it.
He picked it up and went to thesink to wash it off, but when he saw the mirror he dropped the razor and let out a yell. Lily closed her eyes again out of trepidation, as Remus and Sirius crowded behind James to read the words he was tracing with a trembling finger. The blood still hadn't dried.
"I'm sorry," James read aloud from the mirror, his voice shaking uncontrollably. "I love you. I had to. Don't miss me. Live for me."
"Nothing matters anymore," came Lily's clear and quiet voice from the bath, and all three turned to look at her. Tears were slipping down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, and everyone could see the pain and fear in her eyes.
James walked across the bathroom again and knelt beside her. "Lily."
He hadn't realized he was crying until she lifted a frail hand to brush away a tear. He caught her hand in his and pressed it against his cheek.
"Why, Lily?" he whispered hoarsely.
"I love you," she whispered back.
"You would have killed me with you," he said, another tear threatening to escape his eye.
"You wouldn't be unhappy anymore," she said sadly, pulling her hand from his.
"I though you loved me," he hissed fiercely.
She nodded with tears in her eyes.
"Of course I do. I said I would always love you."
"Why did you leave me?" James said, wincing at the lump that rose in his throat once more.
"You deserve better."
James felt anger rising in him. "That's it?"
Lily was silent.
He stood abruptly. "That is the reason you almost smashed my heart irreparably? That is the reason you almost killed yourself? You're not good enough? I want some answers, Lily."
He turned to walk out of the bathroom, but Lily stood shakily and wrapped a cloak around her dripping wet body. "Here are some answers," she said on the verge of a breakdown, and he stopped walking, but did not turn to face her.
"I'm not good enough because I'm tainted," she said miserably. "You don't know what my father did to me. He- he-" James realized with a jolt what she was talking about, and his head reeled. She had been twelve when her father left - that meant- Merlin...
"I left you," she continued, "because you deserve someone better than me. I tried to... to end it all... because you hated me. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't do it anymore."
James turned slowly. "I don't hate you, Lily. I love you. And you're wrong. That bastard didn't make you tainted. He's tainted. You're wonderful. You're perfect. and I can't live without you."
The look she gave him was filled with pain.
"You simply can never understand, James."
She pushed from the room. Remus started to protest that she was still too weak, but Sirius clamped his hand over Moony's mouth. They heard her go into her bedroom and shut the door. James looked down. He was standing directly in the pool of blood... of Lily's blood. He looked at the razor on the floor, and the message on the mirror.
"Damn it all to hell," he whispered fiercely, and hit the mirror with all his might, shattering it into a thousand bits and cutting his knuckles badly. As Sirius and Remus left, he wished that he could have bled for her. He could have lived with his pain. Not hers.
Lily wasn't supposed to feel pain.
sSsSs --- Flashback --- sSsSs
"Well, bitch, that's it."
Fourteen-year-old Lily looked up at her aunt. She looked like her mother, only her face was bony and horse-like. Remarkable like Petunia's, who was standing right beside her. Smug Petunia. Seventeen years old, ready to go out into the world.
"We all know it was your fault your father left two years ago," she said with derision in her voice.
Lily shut her eyes. Father leaving was one of the best things that ever happened to her. He hurt her mother badly when he got drunk. When he couldn't find her, he came after Lily. Starting when she was eight.
"You probably killed your bitch of a mother as well."
Lily's eyes opened with a snap and she glared at her aunt. She was rewarded with a slap in the face.
"Don't look at me like that, you insolent bitch. If I had my way, you'd be staying at home. We'd beat the abnormality out of you. However -" she paused "-we've been persuaded to allow you to keep going to that freak school. I don't know why your mother ever kept you. Petunia is obviously the model child here. Get in the damn car."
Lily climbed into the backseat of the sleek black car and watched as her home, the only thing left to offer her comfort outside of Hogwarts, slowly slid out of view. She had no idea what was coming, but she knew it couldn't be good.
vVvVv --- Both --- vVvVv
Lily woke up to find that her eyes and face were damp. She had been sobbing in her sleep. She looked at the clock. She had only slept for three hours or so.
She surveyed her arms and legs. White lines covered them. They would probably never go away. Sniffling, she pulled on a dark blue nightgown, discarding the wrinkled, bloodstained, half-dry white shirt and blue skirt she had been wearing. Rubbing her eyes, she silently walked into the Head's room.
James had apparently been asleep on the couch, but he awoke as soon as he sensed her presence in the room. He sat up slowly and looked at her apprehensively.
"So?" he asked cautiously.
They both knew how much power was behind the one word question. James held his breath lightly. Lily stood in the doorway for a second, frozen, tears running down her face. Then she crossed the room slowly and held out her hand to him. He winced at the white scars that made a spidery pattern on he arm, but he took her hand gently and she sat beside him.
"They'll never go away," she whispered, looking into space.
"I know," he replied.
Lily looked into his eyes, the same eyes that never failed to captivate her. "It's so hard."
"I know," he said heavily.
She gazed into his eyes for a few moments.
"What's happened between us now, Lily? Did this change anything?"
"No," she said immediately. James's face clouded.
She leaned forward and lightly brushed her lips against his.
"I told you I would always love you. That will never change."
zZzZz --- Author's Notes --- zZzZz
The very first section, up to the first flashback, I wrote in the extra hour and fifteen minutes I had after finishing my Algebra assignment at the speed of light. It evolved into this. I've been wanting to write something like this for a while, but it never came out right until now.
The situations in here were marked mature for a reason, but I fully think thirteen year olds could handle them. I was cutting at twelve. However, I don't think this is PG or Gcontent, hence my rating.
Cutting is serious stuff. What happened in this story, however, is even more serious, since it's not cutting. Cutting is a way of relieving pain. This, the subject of the story, is suicide. I am not, in any way, condoning the actions of the story. If you feel like Lily did in the story, you need to get help. I'm not recommending a shrink. Find someone you can confide in. Maybe someone a few years older, or your age. Especially if they've been there before. You need to talk. You can't do this. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I want to thank a few people for this story (yes, I'm going all Oscar-esque on you guys). I want to thank theweirdgirl (no really, that's her pen name!) for inspiring me. It was her story on portkey-dot-org that first gave me this idea; Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses. However, if you read it, you'll see that this story is mine... and maybe partly JK Rowlings, I guess.
I also want to thank Alli-Baby and Misao, my ever so faithful reviewers. Sarinileni, because hers was the first story I ever read on fanfiction-dot-net, before I even joined, she has two LJ's that are spectacular, and she first got me into them. Really, read her stories; she's in my favorite authors, if you can plow through them all. Everyone from H-E and L-L, Lingua and Kindler especially, for helping me through my own dark hours. Krista, for being the one friend-in-person I've had. JK Rowling, for giving us this WONDERFUL universe to play with. Evanescence, for having the songs that inspire me so fricking much. And... yeah, that's about it.
If you like my writing, read my other two stories. They're a bit lighter, but one does have self-mutilation in it again, though not as severe as this. Read Voice Of Truth and Playing For Keeps. You won't be sorry. By the way... I lurve reviews...