Hey, I'm back! Let's find out what happens next!

-------------------------------------------

Rumors

A farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 2

(The upstairs door opens, RON COMES OUT.)

RON. Who's that? Who is that?

HERMIONE. Am I near the door? Do you see people in here? You think I'm on roller skates?

RON. Let me think a minute.

HERMIONE. Take your time because I don't answer doors. I only speak to Dr. Dudley.

RON. All right. It's got to be Harry or Wood, one of the others. We've got to open the door.

HERMIONE. You've got arms, reach down.

RON. I've got to dry Neville off and bandage his ear. Don't tell them what happened. I need a few minutes to figure this out. Can't you stall them?

HERMIONE. His best friends are coming to his tenth anniversary, his wife isn't here, he shoots himself in the earlobe and I'm supposed to make small talk when they come in?

RON. Attempted suicide is a criminal offense, not to mention a pretty ugly scandal. Neville's an Auror at the Ministry of Magic. He's my client and my brother-in-law, I've got to protect him, don't I? just play the hostess for a few minutes until I figure out how to handle this.

(The DOORBELL rings again.)

HERMIONE. Play the hostess? There's no food out, there's no ice in the bucket. Where's the help? Where's the cheese dip? Where's Ginny? What am I supposed to do till you get back, play charades? I'm lucky I can still speak English.

RON. You're a lawyer yourself, can't you figure out something to say?

HERMIONE. Contracts! I draw up legal publishing contracts. If someone walks in the door and wants to make a deal, I CAN HANDLE THAT!!

RON. Take it easy. Calm down. I'll be right back.

(The DOORBELL rings again.)

HERMIONE. Put some slippers on Neville and tell him to answer it.

RON. (Yells.) Would you relax? Drink my vodka.

HERMIONE. Why is vodka better than two puffs of a cigarette?

RON. Because they know you quit and if they see smoke in here, they'll know something is wrong.

HERMIONE. You mean falling at their feet is going to look better.

(The DOORBELL rings impatiently.

RON runs into the bedroom and closes the door. HERMIONE crosses to the front door. SHE opens it. HELENE rushes into the living room. SHE's an attractive woman in an evening gown. She holds a handkerchief to the side of her mouth, a purse in the other hand.)

HERMIONE. Helene, darling, you look beautiful. Where's Harry?

HELENE. (Coming in.) In the car. We had an accident. Brand new BMW, two days old, the side door is smashed in. Don't tell Ginny and Neville. I don't want to ruin tonight for them. (SHE crosses to the mirror and looks at her face.)

HERMIONE. Oh, my God! Are you hurt?

HELENE. My lip is swelling up. (Looks in the wall mirror.) Oh, Jesus, I look like a trumpet player.

HERMIONE. Where's Harry?

HELENE. He's coming. He's walking slowly, he's got whiplash. His seat belt went right around his neck, and pulled him straight up. I left him dangling.

HERMIONE. Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?

HELENE. Just don't tell Ginny. This party means so much to her.

(HARRY comes in through the front door. He's wearing a tuxedo, one hand holds the back of his neck, in the other arm HE has a gift box from Steuben's.)

HARRY. (In pain, but smiles. His neck is stiff.) Hi, Neville! Hi, Ginny! We're here, kids!

HERMIONE. They're upstairs, Harry.

HARRY. (To Hermione.) Did she tell you what happened? Some stupid bastard shoots out of his garage like a Polaris rocket. I've got four doors on one side of the car now.

HERMIONE. How does your neck feel?

HARRY. Stretched out, over to one side. I look like a Modigliani painting. (HE crosses to the phone.)

HERMIONE. Do you want a drink?

HARRY. I don't think I could swallow past my shoulders.

HELENE. Of all the nights to happen.

HARRY. Here's their gift. Steuben glass. (HE shakes the box. We hear broken glass RATTLE.) If someone brings them a bottle of glue, they'll have a nice gift. (HE starts to dial, carefully.)

HELENE. (Looks at her mouth in a hand mirror.) I could have lost the tip of my tongue. I'd be speaking Gaelic for the rest of my life. My singing career would be ruined.

HARRY. (Waiting for his call.) A brand new, spotless car, never touched by human hands. Buffed an polished by German women in Munich and now it looks like a war memorial. (Into phone.) Hello? This is Harry Potter. Is Dr. Dudley there, please?

HERMIONE. Dr. Dudley?
HARRY. (Into phone.) Yes, it is. I have a whiplash injury … I see … Do you know what theater he's in?

HERMIONE. Oh, God, I need a cigarette so badly.

HARRY. Could you? It's important. I'm at – (HE looks at the phone.) 914-473-2261 … Thank you very much. (He hangs up.)

HELENE. I've got to settle my stomach. Is there anything to eat? Some canapés or something?

HERMIONE. Gee, I don't see anything.

HELENE. No canapés? Where's the cook, Mai Li? She makes great canapés.

HERMIONE. Mai Li? I didn't see her. I think she's off this week.

HELENE. The week of their anniversary party?

HERMIONE. I think she had to go back to Japan. Her mother was sick.

HELENE. Mai Li is Chinese.

HERMIONE. I know. Her mother was visiting Japan.

HARRY. (Still bracing his neck.) I can only look up. I hope tall people are coming to this party … Where's Ron?

HERMIONE. Ron? He went to the bathroom.

HARRY. And where are Neville and Ginny.

HERMIONE. They're still getting dressed.

HARRY. They're not ready? We had a car accident and we're on time.

HELENE. (Looks in hand mirror again.) My lip is getting gigantic. I don't think I have enough lipstick to cover it.

HARRY. No nuts or pretzels? I didn't even have lunch today. Three goddam audits with the Ministry on an empty stomach. (HE gets up.) Helene, get me a diet soda, please, and something to munch on. (HE starts for the stairs.)

HERMIONE. Where are you going?

HARRY. To the john. I haven't had a chance to do that either.

HERMIONE. There's a guest powder room down here.

HARRY. Isn't Ron in that one?

HERMIONE. No, he's using the one in the guest bedroom upstairs.

HARRY. (Pointing to the powder room.) Why didn't he use this one?

HERMIONE. I don't know. He said he had to go badly and he ran upstairs.

HARRY. If he had to go so bad, the one downstairs is closer.

HERMIONE. You know how it is when you have to go badly. You don't want to stop running.

HARRY. But this is a shorter run.

HELENE. Harry, it's not a Quidditch match. Why don't you just go?

HARRY. That's why they build guest bathrooms. (Starts for the powder room.) If Dr. Dudley calls, I'll be right out. (HE goes into powder room and closes the door.)

HERMIONE. Helene, we have to talk.

HELENE. (Goes to sit near Hermione.) What is it?

HERMIONE. I'm coming apart at the seams.

HELENE. You're dress?

HERMIONE. No, my nerves. I think I'm going to crack.

HELENE. I can see. (Taking Hermione's hand.) Your hands are like ice. Something is going on here, isn't it?

HERMIONE. Oh, God, you're so smart. You're so quick to see things.

HELENE. You're scaring me, Hermione. Tell me what's happening.

HERMIONE. Well, all right. Ron and I arrived here about ten minutes ago, when we suddenly heard this enormous …

(Neville's bedroom door opens. RON comes out.)

RON. Hey, Helene! You look lovely.

HERMIONE. Yes! I was just telling her that. She looks enormously well, doesn't she? (To Helene.) Is that the dress you wore for the United States Tour?

HELENE. No. I got this for the Australian one next fall. Hi, Ron.

RON. Where's Harry?

HELENE. He's in the bathroom. Where's Neville and Ginny?

HERMIONE. (To Ron.) Still getting dressed?

RON. Yes. Still getting dressed … How's the new BMW? Is Harry happy with it?

HELENE. Delirious.

RON. Did he get all the new features he asked for.

HELENE. More than he asked for.

RON. Great.

HELENE. Are you through in the bathroom, Ron? I have to go myself. (SHE starts for the stairs.)

RON. I think Ginny's in there.

HELENE. Then I'll use Mai Li's bathroom. Call me if she gets back from Japan. (SHE goes into the kitchen.)

-----------------------------------------

Ain't I a stinker? I'll leave you dangling there for now.

Coming up, Harry and Helene finally discover what happened to Neville. How? Did Ron or Hermione crack or both? Or did the Potters manage to sneak up and find Neville? Or does Neville get away from Ron?