Thanks for being so patient. Here's the next part. Here the rumors that are spread and find out what really happened to Neville.
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Rumors
A Farce
by
Ileana DuBaer
Act I, Part 3
RON. (Waving his arms at Hermione.) Up here! Quick!
(HERMIONE rushes up the stairs.)
RON. Hurry up!
(Breathless, SHE gets there.)
RON. What did you tell her?
HERMIONE. I can't remember.
RON. You can't remember?
HERMIONE. I couldn't follow it, I was talking so fast. Why can't we tell them the truth? They're going to find out anyway.
RON. I don't know the truth yet. Neville is still mumbling. Now go inside. He wants to see you.
HERMIONE. See me? Why does he want to see me?
RON. He's crying like a baby. I can't stop him. He needs a woman.
HERMIONE. … To do what?
RON. To cry on. I can reason with him but I can't comfort him. Let him cry on your shoulder for two minutes, for crise sakes.
HERMIONE. (Starting into Charley's room.) Is he still bleeding? I paid twelve hundred dollars for this dress.
(SHE goes in and closes the door just as HARRY comes out of the powder room.)
RON. Oh, hi, Harry!
HARRY. (Looks up, winces.) Oh, Jesus. (He grabs his neck.) Hi, Ron. Did you hear about the BMW?
RON. Yeah. Congratulations. Excuse me. (HE turns to go.)
HARRY. Where are you going?
RON. To the john.
HARRY. Didn't you just go?
RON. … Yes. But not enough. Be right back.
(HE goes into the powder room, just as HELENE comes out of the kitchen with a bag of pretzels, unopened.)
HELENE. This is very weird.
HARRY. Give me the pretzels. (HE grabs the bag.)
HELENE. (Pours two sodas.) There's plenty of food in the kitchen, but nothing's cooked.
HARRY. Why didn't you open this first? (HE struggles with the bag.)
HELENE. There's a duck, roast ham, smoked turkey, all defrosting on the table. There's pasta sitting in a pot with no water.
(HARRY can't open the bag. HE bites into it.)
HELENE. Everything's ready to go, but no one's there to start it. Doesn't that seem strange to you?
HARRY. Not as strange as him peeing twice in a row … Have you got something sharp, a nail file or something?
HELENE. Hermione started to tell me something and then she clammed up.
HARRY. The door on my BMW opened like tissue paper but this thing is like steel.
HELENE. Her hands were cold as ice. She couldn't look me straight in the eye.
HARRY. This would be a safe place to keep your jewelry. (HE tries one last time to open it, then throws it away.) Goddammit!
HELENE. And why are they taking so long to get dressed? What is that about, heh?
HARRY. What are you so bloody suspicious for? Give the people a chance to come down.
HELENE. Oh, you don't notice anything is wrong?
HARRY. Yes, I noticed. I noticed the towels in the bathroom were piled up on the sink and not on the rack. I noticed there's only a sheet-and-a-half left on the toilet paper. I think it's sloppy, but not a scandal.
HELENE. Really? Well, I'm not so sure I'd rule out a scandal. (SHE walks away from him.)
HARRY. You think I don't know what you're talking about? I hear what's going on. I hear gossip, I hear rumors and I won't listen to that crap, you understand. He's my friend, she is the wife of my friend and my best friend's baby sister.
HELENE. Fine! Okay, then forget it.
HARRY. I don't listen to filth and garbage about my friends. Being famous and having people gossip behind my back about me has taught me that.
HELENE. I said forget it.
HARRY. (Looks at her.) … All right. Come here. (HE walks to the extreme Downstage Right corner of the living room.)
HELENE. What's wrong with here?
HARRY. They could hear us. Here is better. Will you come here!
(SHE crosses to him. HE looks around, then to her.)
HARRY. It's not good.
HELENE. What's not good?
HARRY. What I heard.
HELENE. What did you hear?
HARRY. Will you lower your voice?
HELENE. Why? We haven't said anything yet.
HARRY. All right. There's talk going around about Ginny and—This hurts me. Stand on my other side. I can't turn.
(SHE turns with her back to him. HE moves to her other side.)
HARRY. There's talk going around about Ginny and Neville. Only no one will tell it to my face because they know I won't listen.
HELENE. I'll listen. Tell it to my face.
HARRY. Why would you want to hear things about our friends? He's my colleague. He trusts me. Not just with his life, but personal things.
HELENE. I'm not going to betray him to the enemy, what's the rumors?
HARRY. Jesus, you won't be satisfied till you hear, will you?
HELENE. I won't even sleep with you until I hear. What's the rumors?
HARRY. … All right. Ron's baby sister upstairs is having herself a little thing, okay?
HELENE. What kind of thing?
HARRY. Do I have to spell it out? A thing. A guy. A man. A fella. A kid. An affair. She's doing something with someone on the sly somewhere and it's not with Neville. Okay?
HELENE. You don't know that. You only heard it. You haven't seen it.
HARRY. Of course I haven't seen it. You think they invite me to come along? What's wrong with you?
HELENE. You are so naïve, it's incredible. Get real, Harry. Ginny's not having anything with anybody. Your friend, Neville, however, is running up a hell of a motel bill.
HARRY. Neville? My friend, Neville? No way. Not a chance. He wouldn't even look at another woman.
HELENE. He may not be looking at her, but he's screwing her.
HARRY. Will you lower your voice! … Where did you hear this?
HELENE. Someone at the tennis club told me.
HARRY. Our tennis club!
HELENE. What is it, a sacred temple? People gossip there.
HARRY. Christ! Bunch of hypocrites. Sit around in their brand-new Nikes and Reeboks destroying people's lives … Who told you this?
HELENE. I'm not going to tell you because you don't like this person anyway.
HARRY. What difference does it make if I like them or not? Who told you?
HELENE. Carole Newman.
HARRY. CAROLE NEWMAN?? I knew it, I knew it. I hate that goddam woman. She's got a mouth big enough to swallow a can of tennis balls.
(The guest room door opens and RON steps out onto the landing.)
RON. (Affably.) How you two doing?
HARRY. Hey! Just fine, Ron.
RON. Had anything to eat yet?
HARRY. Just a plastic bag.
RON. Great! Be right back.
(RON goes into Neville's bedroom and closes the door.)
HARRY. Wasn't it Carole Newman who spread the other rumor?
HELENE. What other rumor?
HARRY. The rumor that you and I were breaking up.
HELENE. No. It wasn't Carole Newman.
HARRY. It wasn't? then who was it?
HELENE. It was me.
HARRY. You started the rumor?
HELENE. Me, you, the both of us. When we were thinking about separating, didn't we go around telling everyone?
HARRY. We told friends. That bitch told strangers.
HELENE. Hey! Hey! Do not call Carole Newman a bitch to my face. Besides, Carole Newman didn't start that rumor about Neville. Someone else at the club told her. (SHE walks to the bar.)
HARRY. Who was the one who told her?
HELENE. Harold Green.
HARRY. Harold Green? Who the hell is Harold Green?
HELENE. He's a new member. He was just voted in last week.
HARRY. I never voted for him.
HELENE. Yes, you did. By proxy. We were in Walt Disney World.
HARRY. I don't believe it. A goddam proxy new member spreads rumors about my friend? Who does he play tennis with?
HELENE. He doesn't play tennis. He's a social member. He just eats lunches there.
HARRY. … This son of a bitch is a non-playing proxy social new member who just eats lunches and spreads rumors? What does he do for a living?
HELENE. He sells BMW's.
(Neville's bedroom door opens and RON steps out.)
RON. Did anyone else get here yet?
HELENE. Not to speak of, no.
HARRY. Is anything wrong?
RON. (Coming downstairs.) Why? Does anything seem wrong to you?
HARRY. You mean aside from the fact there's no food, no guests, no host, no hostess, and that you and Hermione only appear one-at-a-time and never together. Yes, I'd say there's something wrong. Ron, I've known you my whole life. By now, I know when you're hiding something. What is it?
RON. Okay. (HE's looking at the floor, thinking.) Okay, sit down, Harry, Helene.
(HARRY and HELENE sit. HE sits in the chair opposite.)
RON. All right, I can't keep this quiet anymore … We've got a big problem on our hands.
HARRY. (To Helene.) Aha! What did I just say, Helene?
HELENE. You just said, "Aha!" What is it, Ron? Tell us.
RON. Neville … Neville, er … Neville's been shot.
HELENE. WHAT???
HARRY. SHOT???
HELENE. Oh, my God!
HARRY. Jesus Christ!
HELENE. Don't tell me this!
HARRY. I can't catch my breath!
HELENE. Please don't let it be true.
HARRY. (Wailing.) Neville, Neville, no! No, Neville, no!!!
RON. Take it easy, he's not dead. He's all right.
HELENE. He's not dead?
HARRY. He's all right?
RON. He's alive. He's okay.
HARRY. Thank God, he's alive!
HELENE. Where was he shot?
RON. In the head.
HELENE. In the head? The head? Oh, my, God, he was shot in the head!!!
RON. It's all right. It's not bad. It's a superficial wound.
HARRY. Where did the bullet go?
RON. Through his left ear lobe.
HELENE. The ear lobe? That's not too bad. I have holes in my ear lobes, it doesn't hurt.
HARRY. I saw this coming, I swear. The truth, Ron, did she do it?
RON. Who?
HARRY. Ginny, for crise sakes. Who else would it be?
RON. (Defensively, angrily, and confused.) Why would my sister shoot Neville?
HELENE. You don't know what's going on?
HARRY. You haven't heard?
RON. No. What's going on?
HELENE. Neville's been having a hot affair with someone.
HARRY. It's not hot. You don't know if it's hot. Nobody said it was hot. (To Ron.) It's an affair. A plain affair.
RON. (To Harry.) Who told you this?
HARRY. Nobody told me that. What I heard was that Ginny was having a thing.
RON. A thing with who?
HARRY. A man. A guy. A fellow. A kid. Who knows?
HELENE. Someone else told me it was Neville who was having the affair.
RON. What someone else?
HARRY. Some bitch at the club named Carole Newman,
HELENE. She is not a bitch. And she only told me what Harold Green told her.
RON. Who's Harold Green?
HARRY. (Quickly.) Some goddam proxy new social member who doesn't even play tennis. Comes to the club to eat lunch and spread rumors.
HELENE. Well, it seems to me Neville's the one who's having the affair if Ginny was hysterical enough to shoot him.
RON. Listen to me, will you, please? Ginny didn't shoot him. Neville fired the gun. He tried to kill himself. It was attempted suicide.
HELENE. SUICIDE???
HARRY. Jesus Christ!
HELENE. Oh, my God!
HARRY. Don't tell me that.
HELENE. I don't believe it.
HARRY. (Wailing.) No, Neville, no! Neville, Neville, no!
RON. Will you stop it! It's enough grieving. He's all right.
HELENE. Oh, Neville.
HARRY. It's all because of that no-good fucking Harold Green. That guy's out of the club. I can get the votes.
RON. Can we stick to the main topic here? Nobody knows if anybody had an affair. I don't know why Neville shot himself.
HARRY. (To Ron.) So how is Ginny taking this? My God, she must be a wreck.
HELENE. (Rising.) I should go up to her. Let me go up to her.
RON. (Stopping Helene.) Don't go up to her. There's no point in going up to her. She's not here. She's gone.
HELENE. She's gone? Neville shoots himself in the head and Ginny leaves the house?
HARRY. She walks out on him now? Now when he's laying up there with a bullet in his ear?
RON. It's not in his ear. It went through his ear. WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME PLEASE!!! … Maybe she wasn't even here when it happened. Hermione and I were driving up when we heard the shot. The front door was locked, I ran around the back and broke in the kitchen window.
HELENE. I saw that. I thought maybe Mai Li did it and maybe Ginny fired her. But I didn't know then that Mai Li's mother was sick in Japan.
HARRY. (To Helene.) Don't talk for a while. Let me and Ron talk. You just listen. (To Ron.) So you broke in and rushed upstairs. Was he on the floor?
RON. No. He was sitting in bed. The television was on. One of those evangelist shows. A bottle of Valium was on the night table. He was half-conscious. I figured maybe he took a couple of pills to make himself drowsy, put the gun to his head, started to fall asleep, and shot himself through the ear.
HELENE. Is that blood on your shirt, Ron?
RON. (Looking down at his shirt.) Where?
HELENE. Below the second stud.
RON. Oh, shit, I didn't see that. That won't come out, will it?
HARRY. That's what you're worried about? A stain on your dress shirt?
RON. I don't give a damn about my shirt. I'm trying to prevent Neville from getting a suicide rap. When the others walk in here, I don't want to explain to them how I got blood on my good silk shirt.
HELENE. You could borrow one of Neville's.
RON. He's two sizes too small for me.
HELENE. I don't think they'll notice your sleeves if Neville has a big bandage on his ear and Ginny's not even at the party.
HARRY. Let the man finish the story, will you, please? (To Ron.) Did he tell you anything? Did he say why he did it?
RON. Not a word. He was barely conscious.
HARRY. Did he leave a note or anything?
RON. He had a piece of paper in his hand. I tried to take it from him, but he tore it up and threw it into the john. He flushed before I could get to it.
HELENE. This is not happening. I'm not hearing this.
HARRY. (To Ron.) Did you call the Ministry?
RON. No, just the doctor. We told him he fell down the stairs. As long as he wasn't hurt, I didn't want to make this a public thing.
HARRY. We've got to call the Ministry. This man is an Auror. We're talking front page on the Daily Prophet. Pictures of Neville with his suit jacket over his head.
RON. Exactly. That's what I'm trying to avoid till we find out what happened.
HARRY. If we keep this quiet, we're all accessories. I just dealt with the IRS boys today. I'd be the first they'd go after.
RON. Why would they go after you?
HARRY. With attempted suicides, they look into everything. They want to see what his conditions at work are like, his coworkers, who he's closest too, who he goes on assignments with. They'd want to know what kind of relationship we had and because I'm famous, that adds to the picture. Then they'd go into the financial picture and try to find out how he could afford this house.
RON. That's no secret. Ginny's very successful. She bought the house.
HELENE. Did she? I didn't know that.
HARRY. (To Ron.) You hear that? Now tomorrow it'll be all over the tennis club.
RON. I'm not bringing in the Ministry until I have to. I don't know what you're nervous about. Unless you have something to hide you don't want the IRS to know.
HARRY. Are you accusing me of hiding something? I'm the one who wants to bring in the Ministry. Maybe you're the one who has something to hide. You make out his contracts. You made out his will.
RON. Are you accusing me and Neville of conspiracy?
(CAR LIGHTS flash on the window.)
HELENE. I hear a car pulling up.
HARRY. (To Ron, starting for the phone.) If you're not calling the Ministry, I am.
RON. Oh, no you're not.
HARRY. You're telling me what I'm not going to do?
HELENE. (At the window.) it's pulling up the driveway.
HARRY. Suppose the neighbors heard the gunshot and have already called the police.
RON. I'll deal with that problem when it arises.
HARRY. Maybe the car is the police. Or someone from the Ministry. Then the problem has arosen.
HELENE. (Looking out the window.) It's a Volvo station wagon.
HARRY. A Volvo??!
RON. Now I suppose you're worried it's the Swedish Ministry.
HELENE. It's Oliver and Harmony.
HARRY. Oliver and Harmony?
RON. (To Helene.) Why didn't you tell us?
HELENE. Why didn't you listen.
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Ain't I a stinker? You're just gonna have to cope, because this chapter is long enough.
Coming up next, enter Oliver Wood and his wife. What sort of catastrophe will happen and will Harry call the Ministry or help Ron with the farce?