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Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 4

(HARRY and RON join Helene at the window. Neville's bedroom door opens and HERMIONE steps out.)

HERMIONE. Ron, Ginny and I are having trouble with her zipper.

RON. No, you're not.

HERMIONE. I'm not?

RON. They know about it.

HERMIONE. About Ginny's zipper?

HARRY. We know that Ginny's not here. Ron just told us.

HERMIONE. Oh.

HELENE. (At the window.) They're stopping to look at our BMW.

HERMIONE. Did you tell them about Neville cutting his ear shaving?

RON. They know everything. The gunshot, the ear lobe, the flushed note down the toilet, everything.

HERMIONE. (Angrily to Ron, coming downstairs.) Why didn't you tell me you told them? … They must think I'm an idiot.

HARRY. How is Neville?

HERMIONE. He fell asleep. He's hugging the pillow with his thumb in his mouth.

HELENE. They're coming up to the house. I can't believe she's wearing a dress like that to a party like this.

RON. All right, what do we do? Do we tell them or not?

HELENE. Why not? Oliver is Neville's analyst. Everything you tell your analyst remains confidential.

HARRY. What his patients tell him. We're not his patients. His patient is asleep sucking his thumb.

HERMIONE. I can't believe I'm paying a baby sitter for this night.

(The DOORBELL RINGS. THEY ALL freeze.)

HARRY. So what did we decide? Do we call the Ministry or not?

HERMIONE. I say no. Harmony has her cooking show on television. Suppose she accidentally says something on the air?

HARRY. On a cooking show? Do you think she gives out suicide recipes?

RON. I still think we say nothing till I find out what's happened. Better safe than sorry. Helene, open the door.

HARRY. Hermione, get us some drinks. Let's look like we're having fun.

(HERMIONE rushes to the bar, gets drinks, and sits beside Harry on the soda.)

HELENE. So what is it? We're telling Oliver, but we're not telling Harmony?

HARRY. We're not telling either one of them! I'm sorry we told you!

(The DOORBELL RINGS.)

HARRY. Just open the door!

RON. Helene, don't open it until I get upstairs. If Neville wakes up, maybe I can get the story from him. (Dashes upstairs to Neville's bedroom.)

HERMIONE. (To Ron.) I took the Valium away from him. I hid it in the medicine cabinet.

RON. Gee, what a good hiding place. (Exits into Neville's bedroom.)

(HELENE crosses to the front door. HARRY and HELENE quickly sit on the sofa with their drinks as if THEY're having an amusing chat.)

HARRY. (To Hermione.) So, Mrs. Thatcher replies, "I don't know, perhaps it's in my umbrella stand."

HELENE. (At the front door.) Are we ready?

HARRY. Yes! We're ready, we're ready!

(HELENE smiles and opens the front door. HERMIONE and HARRY break into loud LAUGHTER. OLIVER AND COOKIE are at the door. OLIVER is in a tux and carrying a gift box. HARMONY is around her husband's age, wears a god-awful evening down. SHE carries a sausage-like cushion under her arm.)

HELENE. Cookie! Oliver! It's so good to see you. (Hugs them both.)

HERMIONE. Oh, God, that is so funny, Harry. you should have been an actor, I swear.

HELENE. Everybody, it's Oliver and Cookie.

HARRY. (Still laughing.) Hi, Oliver. Hi, Cookie.

HERMIONE. (Waving, laughing.) Hi, Oliver. Hi, Cookie.

OLIVER. Hello, Hermione. Hello, Harry.

HERMIONE. (To Harry.) So, go on with the story. What did Mr. Gorbachev say?

HARRY. (After an awkward silence.) Mr. Gorbachev? … He said, "I don't know. I never ate cat food before."

(There is much forced LAUGHTER.)

OLIVER. Sorry we're late. Did we miss much?

HERMIONE. You have got to get Harry to tell you the story about Mrs. Thatcher and the cat food.

(HARRY shoots Hermione a dirty look.)

OLIVER. (Laughs.) Sounds like fun already. Heh heh heh.

HARMONY. Everyone looks so beautiful.

HELENE. Harmony, I am cr-azy about the dress. You always dig up the most original things. Where do you find them?

HARMONY. Oh, God, this is sixty years old. It was my grandmother's. she bought it from Russia.

HELENE. Didn't you wear that for Muscular Dystrophy in June?

HARMONY. No, Oliver's last Quidditch game in August.

HELENE. (Looking at the cushion.) Oh, what a pretty cushion? Is that for Neville and Ginny?

HARMONY. No, it's for my back. It went out again while I was dressing. (SHE opens the pretzels, easily.)

OLIVER. You all right, honey?

HARMONY. I'm fine, babe.

HERMIONE. You and your back problems. It must be awful.

HARMONY. It's nothing. I can do everything but sit down and get up.

OLIVER. Hey, Harry, is that your BMW? (HE laughs.) Looks like you put a lot of miles on it in two days.

HARRY. A guy shoots out of a garage and blind-sides me. The car's got twelve miles on it. I've got a case of whiplash like you wouldn't believe.

HARMONY. (Crossing to the other side of the room.) Oh, I've had whiplash. Excruciating. My best friend had it for six years.

(HARRY nods sardonically. SHE picks up the Steuben gift box.)

HARMONY. Oh, this looks nice. Who brought this? (SHE turns it to see the label but loses control and drops it.) Oh, my God … Did I break anything? (SHE shakes the box. It RATTLES.) What was it?

HARRY. Steuben glass.

COOKIE. Oh, don't tell me! Harry! Helene! … I'm so sorry.

OLIVER. It was an accident honey. (To Harry and Helene.) We'll replace it, of course.

HARRY. Sure, if you want. I don't care.

HERMIONE. What about a drink, everyone?

OLIVER. I'll have something.

HERMIONE. What do you want?

HELENE. I'll get it.

HARRY. (Getting up.) I'm right near the bar.

OLIVER. You're all going to get me a drink? Such friendly people. I'd love a bourbon, please.

(HERMIONE CROSSES TO THE BAR.)

COOKIE. I should have let what's-her-name pick it up. Moo-Lo.

HERMIONE. Mai Li … Here you go, Wood. (Gives Oliver his drink.)

COOKIE. Where's Ron?

HELENE. Ron? Ron's with Neville.

HARMONY. And Ginny?

HELENE. Ginny's with Ron … They're waiting for Ginny to get dressed.

HARMONY. (Grabbing the back of a chair and screaming.) Ooooh! Oooo! Ooooh!

HELENE. What is it?

HARMONY. A spasm. It's gone. It's all right. It just shoots up my back and goes.

OLIVER. You all right, poops?

HARMONY. I'm fine, puppy.

HARRY. Listen, maybe we should all sit outside. It's such a beautiful night.

OLIVER. (Smiles.) Okay. Okay, you kids. What's going on here?

HELENE. What do you mean?

OLIVER. You think I don't notice everyone's acting funny? Three people want to get me drinks. Hermione wants me to hear this funny story. Harry wants to get us all outside. Everyone creating a diversion. Why? I don't know. Am I right?

HERMIONE. No wonder you're such a high-priced doctor. Okay … Someone's going to have to tell them.

HARRY. Tell them what?

HERMIONE. About the surprise.

HARRY. What surprise?

HERMIONE. The surprise about the party.

HARMONY. What surprise about the party?

HERMIONE. Well, I think it's the cutest thing, isn't it, Helene?

HELENE. Oh, God, yes.

HERMIONE. Tell them about it.

HELENE. No, you tell it better than I do.

HARMONY. I'm sorry. I think I'm going to have to sit down.

HERMIONE. I'll help you.

HARRY. I'll do it.

HELENE. I've got her.

(THEY all help lower Harmony onto the sofa, beside Oliver.)

HARMONY. The cushion. I need to cushion.

HARRY. Here it is. (HE puts the cushion behind her back.)

OLIVER. You all right, chicken?

HARMONY. I'm fine, Pops … So what's the big surprise about?

HERMIONE. well … Neville and Ginny decided … because they were going to have their closest friends over to celebrate their tenth anniversary … they weren't going to have any … servants.

HARMONY. (Nods.) Uh huh.

HERMIONE. No Mai Li, no anybody.

HARMONY. (Nods.) Uh huh.

HERMIONE. Isn't that terrific. No help. Just us.

HARMONY. Why is that terrific?

HERMIONE. Because!!! We're all going to pitch in. Like in the old days. Before money. Before success. Like when we were all just starting out. Those were the best times in our lives, don't you think?

HARMONY. No. I hated those times. I love success.

HERMIONE. But don't you find these are greedier times. Lazier, more selfish. Nobody wants to work anymore.

HARMONY. I work fourteen hours a day. I cook thirty-seven meals a week. I cook on my television show. I cook for my family. I cook for my neighbors. I cook for my dogs. I was looking forward to a relaxed evening. (SHE reconsiders.) But I don't want to spoil the fun. What do we have to do?

HELENE. We have to cook.

HARMONY. You mean all of us cooking in the kitchen together?

HERMIONE. Everyone except for Neville and Ginny. Helene and I told them to stay up there and relax. We'll call them when we're ready.

HARMONY. What are we going to make?

HELENE. It's all laid out. Roast ham, smoked turkey, duck and pasta?

OLIVER. Roast ham? Duck? … That's too much cholesterol for me.

HARRY. Oliver, we didn't come to live longer. Just to have a good time.

HARMONY. I just don't understand why we're all wearing our best clothes to cook a dinner.

HELENE. That's not your best clothes. It's a fifty-year-old Polish dress.

HARMONY. A sixty-year-old Russian dress.

OLIVER. The dress is hardly an issue worth arguing about.

HARMONY. I didn't say we would cook it.

OLIVER. She didn't say we wouldn't cook it. Why is everyone getting so worked up about this?

HELENE. All right, Oliver, let's not turn this into group therapy, please.

OLIVER. This is nothing like group therapy, Helene. You, of all people, should know that if your youngest sister, Helen, talks about her sessions at home.

HARRY. Oh, terrific. Let's just name all the people in your Thursday night group, Oliver, heh?

HARMONY. Why are Oliver and I getting attacked? We just walked in the door.

HERMIONE. Please lower your voices. We're going to ruin the surprise for Neville and Ginny.

OLIVER. What surprise? It was their idea.

HARMONY. Listen, I don't want to take the blame for ruining this party. (To the Group.) I'll do all the cooking myself and Oliver will do the serving.

OLIVER. Honey, no one's asking you to do that.

HERMIONE & HELENE. If she wants to do it, let her. Sure. Why not? Fine with us.

HARRY. If it makes her happy, she can clean up, too.

HELENE. And I can help a little. My other sister, Helenea, the middle child, she's a manager of a famous restaurant and I got some tips on cooking duck from her.

HARMONY. (Struggling to her feet.) Okay, then it's settled. Just give me forty-five minutes. I promise you this is going to be the best dinner party we ever had.

(Suddenly, we hear a GUNSHOT from Neville's room.)

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Ain't I a stinker? That's it for now.

Next time, what happened now? Will Oliver and Harmony be filled in on the situation? Can anything else possibly go wrong?

Gotmilk: Well, now you get to picture it because Harry's the one who has to do that scene. lol