I'm back, folks! Now let's find out why that gun went off this time.

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Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 5

HARMONY. Oh, my God!

(EVERYONE freezes. HARMONY falls back onto the sofa.)

HELENE. Oh, give me a break.

OLIVER. What the bloody hell was that?

(Neville's bedroom door opens and RON, looking harassed, comes out, looks over the railing and tries to appear calm.)

RON. It's fine. It's okay. It's all under control. Hi, Wood. Hi, Harmony … Oh, Hermione, honey, could I see you up here for a minute … (HE smiles at them and returns to Neville's bedroom.)

HERMIONE. (Politely.) Would you all excuse me for a minute? I hate it when this happens. (SHE goes calmly up the stairs and into Neville's room.)

OLIVER. Am I crazy or was that a gunshot?

HARRY. A gunshot? Nooo. I think it was a car backfiring.

OLIVER. In Neville's bedroom?

HARMONY. Oliver, maybe you should go up and see.

HARRY. Why? Hermione and Ron and Neville and Ginny are up there. There's more of them than us.

HARMONY. You can't just ignore a gunshot. Oliver, please go up and see.

HARRY. Oh, I know. I know. I know exactly what it was … it was a balloon. They've been blowing up party balloons up there all day.

OLIVER. What kind of balloon was that, the Goodyear blimp? … I'm going up there.

HARRY. Then how are we going to get dinner ready? Neville and Ginny must be starving. You and Harmony get started. I'll have anything to drink as long as it's diet, Oliver. Helene, why don't you put on some music? (Rushing upstairs.) I'll be right down. Let me know if Dr. Doolittle calls. (HE disappears into Neville's bedroom. The TELEPHONE rings.)

HELENE. I'll get it. (SHE crosses to the phone.)

OLIVER. I still think it sounded like a gunshot.

HARMONY. Let's get this dinner started, Oliver. Help me up. (Tries to get up out of the sofa.)

HELENE. (Into the phone.) Hello? … Who? Dr. Wood? Yes, he is. Who is it, please?

OLIVER. (To Helene.) Is that for me?

HELENE. (Into phone.) Uh huh. Uh huh. (To Oliver.) It's a conference call. Mr. and Mrs. Klein, Mr. and Mrs. Platt, Mr. and Mrs. Fishman.

OLIVER. Oh, it's my Friday night group. I have a telephone session with them.

HARMONY. Go on, honey. I can get up myself.

(OLIVER runs into the kitchen.)

HELENE. (Into phone.) He's coming, folks. (The other line on the PHONE RINGS. SHE switches buttons.) Hello? … Yes it is. No, my husband, just called.

(HARMONY gets down on the floor and crawls on her hand and knees.)

HELENE. Yes, I'll tell him. (SHE holds the phone.)

HARRY. (Comes out of Neville's room.) Who's on the phone?

HELENE. Dr. Dudley's service.

HARRY. (Nods and comes downstairs. HE sees Harmony crawling on the floor.) Oh, my God! What's that?

HELENE. It's Harmony.

HARMONY. It's all right. I do this all the time. It takes the pressure off my back.

HARRY. Where's Oliver?

HELENE. (Pointing towards the kitchen.) In there. He's got a session with his Friday night group.

HARRY. They're all in the kitchen?

HELENE. No. On the telephone.

HARMONY. (Crawling toward the dining room.) Ah! Ah! Ah!

HARRY. Your back again?

HARMONY. No. little shirt pins on the floor. (SHE crawls off into the kitchen.) Ah! Ah! Ah!

HARRY. (To Helene.) She must be such fun to live with.

HELENE. What happened upstairs? Is Neville all right?

HARRY. He was sleeping. Ron wanted to hide the gun in the closet so Neville wouldn't find it. He tripped on Neville's slippers and the gun went off next to his head. He can't hear a thing in both ears.

HELENE. Ron or Neville?

HARRY. Ron. Neville was out for the Valium. (Sees the phone is hung up.)

HELENE. They hung up. I already took the message.

HARRY. You couldn't tell me that while I was on the balcony? What'd they say?

HELENE. They said Dr. Dudley already called this number. He doesn't want to be called out of the theatre again.

HARRY. (Angrily, re-dials the phone.) I'm getting a new doctor. I'm not putting my life in the hands of the drama critic for Saint Mungo's Hosptial. (Into phone.) Hello? This is Harry Potter again. Dr. Dudley did not call this number. Please have him call me back. It's important. (HE hangs up the phone.)

HELENE. So what did Ron want Hermione upstairs for?

HARRY. To call Ron's doctor to ask him what to do for his ears. He wouldn't be able to hear what the doctor was saying on the phone. I've got to get back upstairs. (HE starts back upstairs.)

HELENE. You mean she told the doctor a gun went off? Then she'll have to explain about Neville.

HARRY. No. She was going to say Ron was outside and a manhole cover blew up next to him.

HELENE. That's a good idea.

HARRY. Except the doctor wasn't in. His service said he was still at the theatre. There must be some kind of flu going around the theatre district. (HE runs upstairs. When HE hits the top step, the PHONE rings.) They purposely wait till I get on top of the stairs. Answer that, will you?

HELENE. (Crossing to the phone.) This is all too hard to follow. I need a bookmark in my head or something. (SHE picks up the phone.) Hello? Oh, Dr. Dudley, thanks for calling back. (To Harry.) Do you want to speak to him?

HARRY. (Running down the stairs.) No. I'm taking a stress test.

HELENE. You know, if Oliver can't figure out something's wrong here, I'm forbidding Helen from going to his group anymore.

HARRY. (Picking up the phone.) Hello, Dr. Dudley? … Thanks for calling me back … Well, some idiot nailed me in my BMW about twenty minutes ago. I've got a little whiplash here … Neville? Neville Longbottom? … No, I wasn't calling about Neville. Why? (Covering the phone, to Helene.) Jesus! Dr. Dudley is Neville's doctor, too. (Into phone.) No, Neville's a lot better. He's resting now … Hermione Weasley? You know Ron and Hermione? Yes, I think she did call. (Covering the phone, to Helene.) He's Ron's doctor, too.

HELENE. Maybe he has a franchise.

HARRY. Will you make yourself useful? Put on some music. (Into phone.) Dr. Dudley? I'm sorry. A cold compress? … Good idea. Let me connect you to Hermione. (HE presses the "Hold" button, then looks at the extension number.) Which button rings in Neville's room?

HELENE. Why? Who's going to hear it up there?

HARRY. (Not covering the phone.) Jesus, you are a pain in the ass. I'd better run up and get Hermione. (Taking the phone off hold.) Dr. Dudley? … What? … Oh, yes, my wife has a pain, too. It's no bother. Can you hold on for Hermione, please? (Putting the phone on "Hold," then dashing upstairs.) We owe this guy a gift. Let's give him Harmony as a patient. See where Oliver is with my drink, will you? (HE goes into Neville's room.)

(The dining room door opens and OLIVER comes out with a drink.)

OLIVER. I thought I heard Harry in here. I have his diet.

HELENE. I'll hold it for him. How's Harmony? (SHE takes the drink.)

OLIVER. Not well. I gave her some aspirins for her back, but she dropped them in the sauce.

HELENE. Good. Then we'll all get rid of our headaches.

OLIVER. Did Harry say what that sound was?

HELENE. The gunshot?

OLIVER. It was a gunshot?

HELENE. No, I was referring to the sound you thought was a gunshot.

OLIVER. It wasn't a balloon, I know that.

HELENE. No. It was a can of shaving cream. It exploded.

OLIVER. Shaving cream can exploded?

HELENE. It's all right. It washes off.

OLIVER. Incredible.

HARMONY. (Sticking her head out the dining room door.) Oliver? I need you to put out some garbage.

OLIVER. I'm not through talking with my group yet.

HARMONY. They're fighting with each other. I put them on hold.

(HARMONY and OLIVER exit into the kitchen. Neville's bedroom door opens and HARRY and RON come out. RON holds a towel over his ears.)

HARRY. It'll clear up in a minute. These things don't last long.

RON. You think this'll last long?

HARRY. (Opening the guest room door.) Lie down in the guest room for a while, Ron. You'll feel better.

RON. (Looking into the guest room.) Maybe if I lie down in the guest room for a while…

HARRY. Right.

HELENE. (To Harry.) What did the doctor say to Hermione?

HARRY. He referred her to another doctor. He's not feeling well himself … My neck is killing me again. Where's my diet?

RON. (Coming out of the guest room; to Harry.) Why don't you want to start a riot? Is your cousin here?

HARRY. No, my diet!! Come on, Ron. I'll heat up that towel again.

RON. Don't tell your cousin about Neville. Not till we hear the whole story.

(THEY go into the guest room. The kitchen door opens and HARMONY comes out. SHE holds a ladle in one hand and her other hand supports a bag of ice on her hip.)

HARMONY. I've got a problem, Helene, can you help me? Oliver went out to get some garbage bags and the door locked. My hands are full of grease. Could you let him back in?

HELENE. Of course. We would all miss him terribly. (SHE exits to the kitchen.)

OLIVER. (Enters through the front door on his own.) I purposely went around so you wouldn't have to go to the door.

(Neville's bedroom door opens and HERMIONE steps out.)

HERMIONE. Oh, hi! … Where's Helene?

HARMONY. She went out to the kitchen to let Oliver back in.

HERMIONE. (Looking at Oliver.) Oh. Okay. (SHE smiles and goes back into Neville's bedroom, closing the door.)

(The dining room door opens and HELENE comes out.)

HELENE. Oh, there you are … Harmony, the water's boiling over the pasta.

HARMONY. Why didn't you turn it down?

HELENE. I don't know. I don't watch your show for one and Helenea never taught me how to turn down a stove for another.

HARMONY. I'll get it. Oliver, get another bag of ice. I'm melting. (SHE exits into the kitchen.)

OLIVER. (Following Harmony, to Helene.) I'm beginning to feel like one of my patients. (HE laughs and goes to the kitchen.)

(Neville's bedroom door opens and HERMIONE comes out.)

HERMIONE. (Big smile.) Well, everything is just fine.

HELENE. It's all right. They're in the kitchen.

HERMIONE. God, I'd smoke a Havana cigar if I had one. (Coming downstairs, scratching under her arms.) I'm getting hives under my arms. (Going to the bar to make herself a vodka.) Did you hear about Ron? He's deaf.

HELENE. He's better off. He's out of this thing now.

HERMIONE. Why are we protecting Neville this way? (SHE scratches.) Ron is deaf, Harry can't turn his neck, Harmony's walking like a giraffe, I'm getting a blood condition. (SHE scratches.) For what? One more gunshot, the whole world will know anyway.

HELENE. The whole world isn't interested. Paraguay and Bolivia don't give a rat's ass.

(We hear another CAR coming up the driveway.)

HARRY. (Coming out of the guest room.) There's another car coming up.

(We see HEADLIGHTS flash on the window.)

HARRY. Was anyone else invited?

HERMIONE. Bill and Fluer, but they cancelled. They went to Venezuela. But they said they'd call tonight.

HARRY. From Venezuela?

HELENE. Jeez, maybe they will hear about it in Bolivia.

HARRY. So who's coming up the driveway?

HERMIONE. Maybe it's Ginny. Maybe she's come back.

HARRY. Ginny drives a Porsche. This is an Audi. (HE comes halfway down the stairs.)

HELENE. Ask Ron. He might know.

HARRY. Ron's reading lips right now. I don't think he can pick up on "Audi."

(We hear a loud CRASH from the kitchen.)

HARRY. Jesus, what the hell was that?

HERMIONE. Harmony blew up the microwave, what else?

HARRY. Hermione, go inside and see what happened. Helene, go to the window and see who's coming. I'll go up and see how Ron and Neville are doing … (HE has been gesturing with a white towel.) I feel like I'm at the fucking Alamo. (HE rushes upstairs, just as:)

(The dining room door flies open and OLIVER comes out, flicking his fingers in pain.)

OLIVER. Damn, I burned my fingers! Hot hot hot, oh, God, it's hot!

HERMIONE. Oh, dear.

OLIVER. Sonofagun, that hurts. Oh, fuckerini!

HELENE. What happened?

OLIVER. (Quickly.) Harmony dropped her ice bag and slipped against the stove. The hot platter was about to fall on her, so I lifted it up. Then I dropped it on the table and it broke the water pitcher and the glass shattered on her arm and she's bleedling like hell. I got a dish towel on her wrist and I propped her up against a cabinet. But I need some bandages for her arm and some ointment for my fingers. I never saw anything happen so fast and I've been in a lot of Quidditch matches with Harry.

HARRY. I can't believe he's in pain and said all that without missing a word.

HELENE. (To Harry.) Get the bandages. Why are you standing there?

HARRY. I was hoping there was more to the story. (HE rushes into Neville's room and closes the door.)

OLIVER. I'm sorry, Helene. Did you ask for a drink?

HELENE. Listen, you have other things to think about.

OLIVER. Right. (HE exits.)

(HERMIONE and HELENE stare at each other.)

HELENE. You know what this night is beginning to remind me of? … A combination of Platoon, Titanic, and the night Harry's parents died.

(A car DOOR slams outside.)

HERMIONE. There's the car. I don't even want to know who it is. Why don't you go and look?

HELENE. Like it's going to be good news, right? (SHE crosses to the window and looks out.) It's Draco and Pansy.

HERMIONE. Draco and Pansy Malfoy? Together?

HELENE. That's how they're walking.

HERMIONE. I heard they were having trouble.

HELENE. Not walking. (SHE comes away from the window.)

HERMIONE. Jesus! Do you know that Draco is running for Minister of Magic this year?

HELENE. So?

HERMIONE. That's all he needs is to walk in here and be part of a hushed-up suicide attempt. He can kiss his career goodbye.

HELENE. Maybe Ron or Harry'll figure this all out before they ring the doorbell.

(The DOORBELL rings.)

HELENE. Well, it's going to be a tough campaign.

HERMIONE. Listen, I have to go to the bathroom. You get the door, I'll be right out. (SHE starts for the powder room.)

HELENE. Wait a minute! I haven't gone since I got here!

HERMIONE. Yes, you did. In Mai Li's room.

HELENE. Yes, but no one was at the door then.

HERMIONE. The hell with it. Someone else'll get the door. Come on.

(THEY BOTH go into the powder room and close the door behind them.)

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Ain't I a stinker? I'm afraid I must leave you here for now.

Coming up, we finally see Draco and Pansy as a married couple. But what's this? Something's amiss with them too? And will Oliver and Harmony find out about Neville's suicide attempt? Can Harry manage to take care of both Ron and Neville?

All this and more next time.