I'm back, folks! Let's see what happens now.

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Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 6

(The DOORBELL rings again. HARRY comes out of the guest room.)

HARRY. Isn't anybody going to get the door? … Hermione? … Helene? …

RON. (Peering out from the guest room.) Are you talking to me?

HARRY. No, Ron. Put the towels back on your ears. (Yelling down.) Helene? … Hermione? … Where are you? … Ah, screw it. I'm beginning to feel like my car. (HE goes back into the guest room and closes the door.)

(The dining room door opens and OLIVER comes out with paper towels wrapped around the fingers on both hands. HE is wearing an apron. HE shouts up.)

OLIVER. Harry? You got those bandages?

(The DOORBELL rings again.)

OLIVER. Nobody getting that door? … these kids are up to something, I know it. (HE crosses to the front door and tries to open it with burned fingers. HE is finally successful.)

(DRACO and PANSY MALFOY, a handsome couple, stand there in evening clothes. DRACO holds a gift from Ralph Lauren's. THEY seem very much on edge with each other.)

OLIVER. (Smiles.) Hello.

DRACO. Good evening.

(THEY walk in, look around. OLIVER closes the door with his foot.)

OLIVER. Good evening. I don't know where everyone is.

PANSY. You mean we're the first here?

OLIVER. No. everyone's here. They're just – spread out a little.

DRACO. Could I have a drink, please? Double Scotch, straight up.

PANSY. (Not looking at Oliver.) Perrier with lime, no ice.

OLIVER. Sure. Fine. I don't believe we've met. I'm Oliver Wood.

DRACO. (Coolly, nods.) Hello, Oliver.

OLIVER. Excuse my hands. Little accident in the kitchen.

DRACO. Sorry to hear it.

OLIVER. I would stay and chat but my wife is bleeding in the kitchen.

DRACO. You're wife?

OLIVER. Harmony. a water pitcher broke, cut her arm. I burned my fingers.

DRACO. That's a shame.

OLIVER. Nothing to worry about. We'll have dinner ready soon. Nice to meet you both. (HE returns to the kitchen.)

DRACO. I wonder why they're not using the Chinese girl?

PANSY. Do I look alright?

DRACO. Yes. Fine.

PANSY. I feel so frumpy.

DRACO. God, no. you look beautiful.

PANSY. My hair isn't right, is it? I saw you looking at it in the car.

DRACO. No, I wasn't.

PANSY. What were you looking at then?

DRACO. The road, I suppose.

PANSY. I can always tell when you hate what I'm wearing.

DRACO. I love that dress. I always have.

PANSY. This is the first time I've worn it.

DRACO. I always have admired your taste is what I meant.

PANSY. It's so hard to please you sometimes.

DRACO. What did I say?

PANSY. It's what you don't say that really drives me crazy.

DRACO. What don't I say? … How can it drive you crazy if I don't say it?

PANSY. I don't know. It's the looks that you give me.

DRACO. I wasn't giving you any looks.

PANSY. You look at me all the time.

DRACO. Because you're always asking me to look at you.

PANSY. It would be nicer if I didn't have to ask you, wouldn't it?

DRACO. It would be nice if you didn't need me to look at you, wouldn't it?

PANSY. I can't ever get any support from you. You've got all the time in the world for everything and everyone else, but I've got to draw blood to get your attention when I walk in a room.

DRACO. We walked in the room together. It was all ready done. Pansy, please don't start. We're forty-five minutes late as it is. I don't want to ruin this night for Neville and Ginny.

PANSY. We're forty-five minutes late because you scowled at every dress I tried on.

DRACO. I didn't scowl, I smiles. You always think my smile looks like a scowl. You think my grin looks like a frown, and my frown looks like a yawn.

PANSY. Don't sneer at me.

DRACO. It wasn't a sneer. It was a peeve.

PANSY. God, this conversation is so banal. I can't believe any of the things I'm saying. We sound like some fucking Muggle couple.

DRACO. Oh, now we're going to get into language, right?

PANSY. No, Mr. Perfect, I will not get into any language. I don't want to risk a scowl, a frown, a yawn, a peeve, or a sneer. God forbid I should show a human imperfection, I'd wake up with the divorce papers in my hand.

DRACO. What is this thing lately with divorce? Where does that come from? I don't look at you sometimes because I'm afraid you're thinking you don't like the way I'm looking at you.

PANSY. I don't know what the hell you want from me, Draco. I really don't.

DRACO. I don't want anything from you. I mean I would like it to be the way we were before we got to be the way we are.

PANSY. God, you suffocate me sometimes … I want to go home.

DRACO. Go home? We just got here. We haven't even seen anyone yet.

PANSY. I don't know how I'm going to get through this night. They all know what's going on. They're your friends. Jesus, and you expect me to behave like nothing's happening.

DRACO. Nothing is happening. What are you talking about?

PANSY. Don't you fucking lie to me. The whole goddam city knows about you and that cheap little chippy bimbo.

DRACO. Will you keep it down? Nothing is going on. You're blowing this up out of all proportions. I hardly know the woman. She's on the Fund Raising Committee. I met her and her husband at two cocktail parties, for God sakes.

PANSY. Two cocktail parties, huh?

DRACO. Yes! Two cocktail parties.

PANSY. You think I'm stupid?

DRACO. No.

PANSY. You think I'm blind?

DRACO. No.

PANSY. You think I don't know what's been going on?

DRACO. Yes, because you don't.

PANSY. I'm going to tell you something, Draco. Are you listening?

DRACO: Do you see my ears perking up?

PANSY: I've known about you and Carole Newman for a year now.

DRACO. Amazing, since I only met her four months ago. Now I'm asking you to please lower your voice. That butler must be listening to everything.

PANSY. You think I care about a butler and a bleeding cook? My friends know about your bimbo, what do I care about domestic help?

DRACO. I don't know what's gotten into you, Pansy. Do my political ambitions bother you? Are you threatened somehow because I'm running for Minister of Magic?

PANSY. Oh, don't make it sound like we're moving far. We're going to London. Twenty-three degrees below zero in the middle of winder London. You're not the Daily Prophet's Man of the Year yet, you understand, honey?

DRACO. (Turning away.) Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

PANSY. What was that?

DRACO. (Deliberately.) Oh-boy, oh-boy, oh-boy!

PANSY. Oh, like I'm behaving badly, right? I'm the shrew witch wife who's giving you such a hard time. I'll tell you something, Mr. Minister of Magic. I'm not the only one who knows what's going on. People are talking, mate. Trust me.

DRACO. What do you mean? You haven't said anything to anyone, have you?

PANSY. Oh, is that what you're worried about? Your reputation? Your career? Your place in Wizarding history? You know what your place in Wizarding history will be? … A commemorative statue of you and the bimbo in a motel together.

DRACO. You are so hyper tonight, Pansy. You're out of control. You've been rubbing your quartz crystal again, haven't you? I told you to throw those damn crystals away. They're dangerous. They're like petrified cocaine.

(PANSY is looking through her purse.)

DRACO. … Don't take it out, Pansy. Don't rub your crystal at the party. It makes you crazy.

(SHE takes out her crystal. HE grabs for it.)

DRACO. Put it away. Don't let my friends see what you're doing.

PANSY. Fine. Don't let my friends see what you're doing.

(The guest room door opens. HARRY comes out onto the balcony.)

HARRY. Draco! Pansy! I thought it was you. How you doing?

RON. (From inside the guest room.) I'm feeling better, thanks!

HARRY. Not you, Ron. It's Draco and Pansy.

DRACO. (Big smile.) We're fine. Just great. Hi, Harry … Pansy, it's Harry … Pansy.

PANSY. (A quick nod.) Potter.

HARRY. Did it suddenly freeze up out there?

DRACO. Freeze up?

HARRY. Isn't that an icicle Pansy has there?

DRACO. No. It's a quartz crystal.

HARRY. Oh. Where's Hermione and Helene?

RON. (From the guest room.) Did somebody come in?

HARRY. (Angrily, to Ron.) DRACO AND PANSY!! I TOLD YOU!! (To Draco.) It's Ron. His ears are stuffed up. Bad cold … Who let you in?

DRACO. The butler.

HARRY. The butler? The butler's here?

DRACO. He's getting us drinks.

HARRY. Is he alone?

DRACO. No, the cook's with him.

HARRY. Mai Li? God, what a relief. They came back. We didn't have any help here for a while.

DRACO. Really? Where's Neville and Ginny?

HARRY. Neville and Ginny? I guess they're in their room.

RON. (From the guest room.) My towel fell off, Harry.

HARRY. (Angrily, to Ron.) I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL. I'VE GOT TO GET THE BANDAGES FIRST. (To Draco.) Excuse me, kids. I've got to get some bandages. (HE knocks on Neville's door.) Neville? Ginny? Is it all right if I come in? (In Ginny's voice.) Sure, come on in. (He goes into Neville's room and closes the door.)

(The guest room door opens and RON comes out.)

RON. Harry? … Harry, where'd you go?

(DRACO and PANSY look up.)

DRACO. Ron? Hi. It's Draco and Pansy.

RON. Harry? Is that you? (HE looks down.) Who's that? Malfoy? Is that Malfoy?

DRACO. Yes. And Pansy. I hear you have a cold.

RON. You think I look old? I haven't been sleeping well lately … Hi, Pansy. Do the others know you're here?

DRACO. Yes. We just saw Harry.

RON. Have you seen Harry?

DRACO. Yes. He went into Neville's room.

RON. I'm sorry. I can't hear a thing. A manhole cover just blew up next to my ear.

DRACO. That's terrible.

RON. I just said, "A manhole cover just blew up next to my ear."

DRACO. Yes. I hear you.

RON. I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Anyone getting you a drink?

DRACO. Yes, the butler?

RON. Sorry, there's no help here. They're in the Orient somewhere.

PANSY. (To Draco.) I think he's finally gone dotty.

RON. Yes, a hot toddy would be nice. I'm gong to see if Harry's in Neville's room. We're all coming down soon. (HE knocks on Neville's door.) Ginny? Mind if I come in?

HARRY. (As Ginny, from inside.) Sure, brother. Come on in.

(RON goes into Neville's room.)

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Ain't I a stinker? This is the end of the section, my lovelies! My sincerest apologies.

Coming up, the end of Act I. Are Draco, Harmony, Pansy, and Oliver going to find out what's really going on? Is Hermione going to crack and smoke a cigarette? Will Ron ever get back his hearing? How far is Harry going to go in his attempt to pretend Ginny's in the room? All this and more coming up.