Chapter Two:
Without further ado, I'd like to welcome our first three male 'lonely Hearts' vying for the attentions of our lovely lady: Here they are now! Ladies, Gentlemen, readers, the first three guests …
JAMES POTTER!
SIRIUS BLACK
AND …
SEVERUS SNAPE!
Editor: Welcome lads, take a seat! Now, firstly we need a little information from each of you:
Sirius Black, Number Two: Age, job and something interesting about yourself?
Sirius Black: Well, I'm 18, a magical student, and once, I threw myself off the North Tower, cause James and me wanted to know the shortest route into the grounds.
Editor: Didn't that hurt?
Sirius Black: Bit.
Editor: Right … anyway, James Potter, Number One, Age, job and something interesting about yourself?
James Potter: I'm 18 as well; also a magical student and I threw myself off the North Tower after Sirius because when he jumped we forgot to set the stopwatch.
Editor: ok … well …welcome to the show … Severus Snape, Number Three, Age, job, something interesting about yourself?
- Sirius and James are currently discussing whether or not they set the stopwatch when James jumped –'perhaps we should just throw Peter?' and are ignoring the third contestant -
Severus Snape: I'm 17, a magical student, and I haven't washed my hair in four years.
-Severus Snape accompanies this statement with an oddly proud look-
Editor: -staring speechlessly at Severus-, Well … I had an inkling it'd be something like that … Ladies and Gentlemen there are our 'lovely' gentlemen vying for the attentions of our beautiful lady, I think it's about time we met her! Please welcome, Lily Evans!
- Editor moves to other side of stage and a screen slides across so that Lily Evans cannot see her three suitors – just as well –
Good morning Lily, take a seat, now you know you have the chance to ask the three men a few questions before you decide where you go on your exotic date, without further ado, what's your first question!
Lily Evans: Ok, Hi guys! My first question goes to Number One, 'If you could take me anywhere in the world, where would we go and why?'
James Potter: I'd take you out on my broomstick to a hill above Chudley where we can watch the sun set over the beautiful village.
Lily Evans: that's so romantic!
Audience: aaaaahhhhhhh ….
James Potter: Yeah, cause from that hill we can watch the Chudley Cannons play for free – and I'd have something to do in the interval. Hint-hint.
-Lily sits in a stunned silence, looking as though something seems familiar behind the screen … -
Editor: Uuuhhh … lets move on … Lily?
Lily Evans: Yes, of course! Same question to Number Two please!
Sirius Black: Well … I suppose I'd take you on a romantic picnic, so we could get to know each other and talk … -Number One gives Number Two evil glare- uuhhh, of course I'll bring along other people so we won't be alone … not that I'd want to be alone with you anyway.. Not that I don't think you're a beautiful girl of course … -Number One gets up menacingly- … you're just not my type.. I don't like pretty girls … In fact I'm gay!
-Gasps from audience as several female members faint. Male members, including Gilderoy Lockhart sit up a little straighter-
-Sirius, looking rather panicked gives a sneaky wink to a girl in the front row, and shakes his head vigorously-
Editor: Moving on … again (I told the wife this would happen!)
Lily Evans: Yeah … course … same question to Number three?
Severus Snape: Well, I'd take you-
James Potter: -suddenly noticing contestant number three- what the hell are you doing here you slime ball! There's NO WAY you have a chance with EVANS!
Lily Evans: -Jumping up quickly- HA! I knew it was you, James Potter, you arrogant bullying little-
James Potter: -realising he may have blown his only chance of a date with Lily- James Potter? Who's he?
Lily Evans: I know its you! Stop pretending! I'm surprised I can't see your giant inflated ego over the screen!
-Editor attempts to restrain Lily Evans from attacking Number One whilst Number Two tries to prevent contestants One and Three from killing each other – although Number Two does get a pretty impressive kick in to Number Three's netheregions –
Editor: -Whispering frantically to assistant- Wrap it up! Wrap it up!
Well! I think we've reached the end of our first show! Miss Evans would you like to make your choice from one, two or three?
-Editor glances over divide-
Make that one or two, it appears three has been turned into a yak and we don't condone that sort of thing at the Daily Prophet!
Lily Evans: If I have to choose then I suppose it'll be Number Two, I'd rather go out with a bubotuber plant than number One!
Editor: Congratulations Number Two! Come on out!
-Sirius Black looks slightly pleased then notices the murderous glance of James Potter. Looking extremely panicked and seeing no other option (apart from a trip to St Mungo's courtesy of James) Sirius leaps into Gilderoy Lockharts arms screaming, "I'm gay" and planting a huge smacker on his lips. Gilderoy – looking extremely pleased with himself- carries Sirius out of the stage door where he is heard throwing up throughout the night-
Editor: Uuuhhh … well … it appears you only have one option left! Congratulations Number One!
-James, looking extremely dishevelled comes out from behind the blind, tugging a lock of his hair nervously, attempting to smile at a murderous-looking Lily-
Editor: Due to an unbreakable contract they signed before the show Lily and James will now be going on an exotic date to … duh duh duh … BOGNOR REGIS!
Lily and James walk out of the studio. James looking as though he can't believe his luck. As they exit, the Editor is left alone standing in the ruins of his new set. The only sounds are the noises of the yak and someone simultaneously throwing up and attempting to ward off unwanted attentions of a gentleman by declaring:
"I like women!"
"So did I once!" Is the persistent answer
Editor: -Attempting to smile at the audience- please return next week to find out how the date went!
-Audience stare at the stage in complete shock, whilst several teenage girls nervously question each other:
"Is he really gay?"
The sound "No … No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" from the alleyway appears to answer their question.
Return next week to find out what happened on the date!