Mega Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed To Ad-lib:
Raziel Versus the Sarafan Inquisitors

Chapter One:
Blood Reaver, Soul Reaver, Drag Reaver
What Is A Wraith To Do?

It had all come down to this. Janos Audron was dead, his heart ripped from his body. The Reaver had been stolen and now rested in the hands of the Sarafan. And above all else, worse than any other thing, was that he, Raziel as he former Sarafan self, had committed these crimes. Was witnessing all this misery worth knowing his true destiny? He thought so. For now, Janos, who had so patiently waited for him through God knew how many centuries, was able to complete his task before his life was robbed from him...And now, knowing what he did, Raziel knew he alone had the ability to set the wrongs committed by his former self against the Ancient vampire right.

These were the thoughts coursing their way through Raziel's mind as he made his way through the Sarafan Stronghold. But more even than that was the pure, blind rage that overwhelmed him. Moebius...What a fool Raziel had been to think he had outsmarted that old devil! And the price that had been paid for his own ignorance was far greater than he ever could have ever imagined. But no matter...Soon, none of it would matter. Raziel would play the role Janos had so carefully guarded for him all those years, take back the Heart of Darkness, resurrect Janos and save Nosgoth from it's inevitable fate. As, he now knew, was his true destiny.

Raziel hardly even noticed when a Sarafan Warrior-Priest attacked him from the side with a sword. The slash stung and weakened the wraith, but the maddening anger had numbed him considerably. It was with an absent mind that Raziel summoned the wraithblade, still imbued with the element of Fire, and paying no mind to the draining effect of the blade struck down the Sarafan with a few well-aimed strokes. He came to his senses some when he realized that he couldn't take the soul of the Sarafan for himself—the blade had already helped itself to it. Raziel shook his head and banished the blade back into the Spectral realm, cursing himself for using it in the first place, then continued down the corridor. The main exit was sealed, but the side door was not. Without a second thought, he turned and entered the room, never suspecting what he would find there.

The door fell closed behind him. Raziel took a few steps forward before noticing what was laid out on the basin in the middle of the small room—and why would've he? His state of mind was so scattered, the only thing that made him notice the Reaver at all was the same feelings of dread and overwhelming compulsion that he had felt in Janos' Retreat. And now, here it was, laid out in his path so conveniently, as if he were meant to find it. Somehow, he thought that was precisely the case.

Raziel carefully approached the blade, both horrified and fascinated by it. It took a great effort of will power not to reach forward and seize the Reaver then and there. But, then again, why shouldn't he? It was forged for him, after all...Janos himself had said so...And if Moebius was fool enough to actually let him have it...Well, wasn't that his folly?

There was a sudden, loud, and surprising sneeze from behind Raziel, and it startled him so much that he lost control of his will and reached up to seize the Reaver before spinning around and looking at his would-be assailants.

There, in the door he had entered from, stood Moebius and the Sarafan Lord himself, Malek. Malek was in full armor, and was leaning on a pike as he covered his faceplate with am armor-gloved hand. Moebius was staring at Malek with an expression of disbelief. Raziel blinked as he felt the wraithblade begin to wrap itself around its twin, as before in William's Chapel.

"Thank you, Malek," Moebius said calmly, "You completely, 100 managed to ruin my entrance."

Malek removed his hand. "I'm sorry, Lord Moebius, but I've had these terrible allergies for the past couple of days now..." he said as he reached underneath his faceplate, presumably to wipe his nose.

Moebius sighed and shook his head. "I have it on good authority that your allergies will leave you be in a day or two," he said, "Now please, just shut up and do your job."

"You betcha," Malek nodded to Moebius and Raziel thought he could see the faint outline of a goofy-looking grin underneath his helm. He then turned and pointed his pike at Raziel.

Moebius sighed, shook his head again, and then looked at Raziel. His composure, Raziel noticed, had changed drastically. He now resembled what the Reaver of Souls now truly knew him to be: a vile, cruel, and vicious time-streamer who played out history to suit his own needs.

"So, Raziel," Moebius said dramatically, "Here we are, finally. You have no choice but to—"

"Excuse me, Moebius?" Raziel interrupted, "Yeah, but, um, your boy there has kind of completely messed up the scene by making me grab the Reaver too soon, and now we have a real problem."

Moebius blinked. "We do?" he asked, "As in, we have to start over?"

"No, Moebidiot, I can't put it down," Raziel grumbled, "The stupid programming won't let me yet...And unless you want the ending to come prematurely, you better disable my wraithblade, else I'm going to be Raz-Ka-Bob."

"Oh, uh, right..." Moebius mumbled. The large purple orb of his staff flared with a bright light momentarily, disabling Raziel's wraithblade. Then Moebius reached up and scratched his head. "Hey, um...since it's all messed up anyway, should we try to salvage the scene?"

Raziel shrugged. "Might as well," he said, "I mean, we can't—what the hell is he doing now?!"

"What do you..." But Moebius didn't need to finish. He followed Raziel's gaze and found himself looking at Malek, who was using the blunt end of his pike to scratch himself underneath his armor. "Malek, what in God's name are you doing?!"

"I'm sorry, Lord Moebius," Malek said, sounding apologetic but not bothering to stop scratching, "It's just that I have such itchy, flaky skin..."

"Your water is hard," Raziel said, "Start washing with Zest soap. It'll help."

"Ah, I hadn't tried that," Malek said, "Thank you, I'll do that." He suddenly stopped scratching when he heard his name being yelled from somewhere else in the stronghold.

"Malek!" the voices cried, full of pain and terror, "Malek! Aaaahhhh!!!"

Then there was laughing. "Call your dogs!" Vorador's voice cried, "They can feast on your corpses!"

Malek turned to flee towards the voices, but Moebius snarled at him.

"Oh, no you don't, you useless twit!" the Time Guardian exclaimed.

"But Lord Moebius!" Malek pleads, "There is trouble within! The Circle is under attack!"

"I don't give a rat's ass if your whole damn stronghold is on fire!" Moebius roared, "You're keeping your little armored self right here until I say otherwise!"

Malek listened, and then blinked as he considered. Suddenly, his eyes widened. "The Stronghold is on fire?!" he exclaimed.

Raziel snickered. "Not to bright, that one," he mused.

Moebius groaned. "No," he admitted, "But as Conflict Guardian, he's not here to think, he's here to fight. And he's good at what he does." Moebius then turned back to Malek. "No, the stronghold is not on fire, but you're not going anywhere until I say so. Remember who signs the Sarafan's funding checks, buddy."

Malek gulped a bit, then pointed his pike back at Raziel. Apparently, he got the picture. Satisfied, Moebius turned back to Raziel. "Now, shall we continue?"

Raziel sorely wished he still had the muscles necessary to smirk. "If you like," he said, sounding chipper, "But I was greatly enjoying watching you yell at Malek."

Moebius narrowed his eyes, and then picked up his lines again. "Malek, do not let this creature leave," he said, again sounding important and knowledgeable, "He poses a danger to the Circle." He straighten himself somewhat, then smirked and went on. "Poor, deluded Raziel...did you somehow imagine you had the guile to change history on me? I'm the time-streamer. I knew your every intention before you did, you—"

Moebius was interrupted by a loud, high-pitched girlish voice screaming, followed by a strange looking figure falling on the floor between the Guardians and Raziel, making all three jump. Raziel looked down at it, and instantly cringed and walked backwards until he hit the basin, for he knew that form. It was so like his own, only with long hair, a formerly fancy sequin ball gown dressing its torso, and a piece of silk wrapped around its lower face instead of a tabard. It was none other than Razielia the Drag Reaver and, after a little fiasco at Janos Audron's Retreat, Raziel had dared to hope he had seen the last of the transsexual Drag Reaver.

Moebius and Malek, however, had never seen the creature in front of them before, and when it suddenly appeared out of thin air, they dropped their weapons (including Moebius' staff), yelped and hugged each other for comfort as they stared at Razielia with wide, frightened eyes.

Razielia got up slowly for a wraith, then grumbled and smoothed out her somewhat frazzled black hair, at least on top. "My goodness, what a ride!" she said, her voice still sounding particularly girly, "That programmer fellow, what a nice man! After that director lady had me kicked out of the game, I cornered this programmer and tried to bribe him into sending me back here...But that nice fellow, he did it out of the kindness of his heart instead."

"I'm afraid to ask," Raziel said warily, "but I can't stop myself...what did you bribe him with?"

Razielia put a clawed hand in her hip and tittered. "Well, let's just say it wasn't something very lady like," she said, "Oh, but don't think bad of me for it, Razzy!" (At this Raziel cringed.) "But I just had to do something! I couldn't have left you here all alone!"

"Yes, you could have," stated Raziel, his tone that of one stating a matter of fact.

Razielia ignored the comment and was instead staring at Moebius and Malek, still huddled in each other's arms. "Oh, isn't that sweet?" she said admiringly, "Two lovers snuggling in each other's embrace! Why, Raz, you didn't tell me your Nosgoth had homosexuals too!"

"Well, that's because I didn't know we did," Raziel said. Now he, too, seemed interested in Moebius and Malek's choice of position. He noticed that they didn't move when Razielia called them lovers. He thought perhaps they were suffering from shell shock. "But come to think of it, I'm not surprised."

"Yes, well, they aren't very fashionable," Razielia stated. She gestured to Moebius' staff with the purple orb and orange snake wrapped around it, then to Moebius himself. "I mean, orange and purple with green robes?? What was he on when he got dressed this morning? I wouldn't be caught dead in such a clash!" She snorted. Raziel decided it best not to mention she already was dead.

Still clutching the Blood Reaver in his hand, Raziel cautiously approached Moebius and Malek. "Hey, Moebius?" he said, "Say, why don't we just try to reshoot this one later?" he paused, and when Moebius didn't answer, Raziel just shrugged. "I'll take that as a yes." He considered briefly for a moment using the Reaver to kill them both here and now. After all, it wasn't like they couldn't just crank out a couple more for the future...But he talked himself out of it after realizing that Director Henning might not be so forgiving. Instead, he just turned and started for the door on the other side of the room.

"Hey, wait up, honey doll!" Razielia said. She began to walk after him. "Where are we going?"

"We?!" Raziel's eyes widened. He spun and looked at her. "We?? We aren't going anywhere, Razielia. I am going to avenge my mentor and renounce my former self. We aren't doing a damn thing. Last time we did something, you gave Janos Audron amnesia and made him think he was a giant Smurf with wings!"

"Hey, I said I was sorry, didn't I?" Razielia exclaimed, "And besides, he looked so much like my old friend Yani...It was hard to contain myself." She shook her head. "Anyway, what was that you said? Avenging your mentor and renouncing your former self? Hmm. Sounds like fun." She started for the door, and then called over her shoulder. "Well, are you coming?"

"Yes! But...wait, no! I said no we! No we!" Raziel ran after her, and knew from the fact that a great deal of frustration had been added to his torrent of emotions that this would prove to be a much, much longer endeavor than he originally expected.

Author's Notes: You got it, boy and girls! Someone should probably beat me for this, but if your reading this A/N then I'd like to congratulate you on finishing the first chapter of "Mega Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib: Raziel Versus the Sarafan Inquisitors". This parody is semi/sorta a sequel to my first LOK piece of fan fiction, "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib" which can be found on my profile page. Luckily for you, though, it shouldn't be necessary to read the original WVGCAATAL to understand this piece of idiocy (but I'd sing your praises forever if you did anyway. :-D) This story will be much shorter than the original, but I will do my best to pack it full of the same sort of nonsense that made WVGCAATAL so popular. So stick around for the next chapter, coming soon! (With luck) And, you know, getting a review is always encouraging for a writer. :-D