Author's Notes: Wow, sorry for the delay, guys! Life is hectic these days...But who cares?! So long as I can write, and have someone to enjoy reading it, I'm happy! And speaking of readers...
Syvia: Glad you liked Melchiah and Zephon. With luck, you'll enjoy Dumah and Rahab as well!
Varyssa: Do you, now?? Awesome! You know, come to think of it, I bet he DOES look good in jeans...
Smoke: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Zephon was. :-P And Razielia's the Drag Reaver! You know it's not REALLY bothering her, but to not act like it was would have been SO unlady-like...But fear not--coconut comment to be addressed shortly.
Darster: Hehe...Ask and ye shall receive...but, of course, I do not claim responsibility if your IQ drops a few points from reading this silly thing.
MortalSora: Hey, welcome back!!! Glad you liked the first and the second one! Hope you like this one just as much...Actually, Razielia would be more inclined to say "Keep your slacks close, sugar pie, but your skirts even closer—you know what I mean?" :-P
Cobra-kun: Ahh! A new reviewer! Wickedness!!! Yes, well, I believe we all need some mindless insanity like this in our daily lives—don't you agree? ;-)
And now...It slices, it dices, or at least it makes you laugh pretty darn good, it's...Chapter Three:
Coconut Trees,
Ranting and Raving,
And, of course,
Sarafan Slaying
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Raziel practically screamed at Razielia as he advanced on her. She continued to cower, her glowing white eyes wide in terror. She began to look around for an escape route.
"Well...I...It was said with love, sugar bunch!" she exclaimed. She stopped backing up upon seeing a way around Raziel and into the larger and more spacious hall behind him.
Raziel, however, seemed angrier than ever, and his concerns of the type of Soul Reaver her soul would create were now lost in his anger. "DON'T CALL ME THAT!" he yelled as he swung the Reaver at her. The Drag Reaver was one step ahead of him, however, and managed to dive towards the route she spotted before the Reaver blade even had a chance to scratch her. She was up and running in a matter of moments. Raziel spun and followed, raising the Reaver up for another attack as he pursued her.
Waiting in the Sanctuary, armed with sword and pike, were the Sarafan incarnates of Dumah and Rahab, the future "middle" born children of Kain's brood. They stood with their weapons ready, clearly prepared for an attack of some sort.
"Have you come to reclaim the monster's black heart?" Dumah demanded as soon as he saw movement.
"You'll have to get through us first!" Rahab proclaimed. They both began to advance.
"HELP ME!!!!" Razielia shrieked as she ran into that same chamber. The two Sarafan stopped and stared at her, obviously shocked. She took the opportunity to dash between them and hide behind a column behind them. "He's trying to KILL ME!!"
Dumbstruck, neither Sarafan went after her. Instead, they stared like statues as Raziel came racing past, his concerns with them temporarily forgotten, and after his transsexual double. He slammed the sword into the column, cutting through it part of the way, and inspiring Razielia to shriek. As he pulled it out again, she fled once more, this time in the general direction of William's Chapel.
"You can run, Razielia, but you can't hide!" Raziel cried out, then gave chase once more, his white eyes seeming to flame in outrage.
The two Sarafan, still shocked, only managed to look at each other. "Dumah," Rahab begin, "Did you just see...what I just saw?"
"Yeah," Dumah said with a nod, "Two freaky looking blue demons that smell like burnt, water-logged leather running past us."
"Uh-huh," Rahab agreed, "And one of them had that sword we stole..."
"Yeah, but the other one was in a dress," Dumah pointed out.
"Yeah, but we were only told one would be coming this way," Rahab said, sounding confused.
"Right," Dumah persisted, "But one of them is still wearing a dress."
"That's wrong," Rahab said with a shudder.
"On so many levels," Dumah shuddered with him.
Meanwhile, the Sanctuary Hall was receiving the beating of a lifetime as Raziel continued to try and strike down Razielia, both oblivious to the human Sarafan in the hall with them.
"Razzy, please!" Razielia pleaded as she narrowly escaped a slash at her back by diving behind a column, "You're being so unreasonable! I was only trying to point out that maybe I'm not the only transsexual around here!" She took off running down the right side of the hall, towards the big wooden doors.
"Do you WANT to die?!" Raziel roared as he ran after her. "Because you are ANYTHING but helping your situation!!!"
"But Razzy!" Razielia cried out, her voice sounding particularly whiney. It crawled all over Raziel's skin and made him want to impale her on the Reaver all the more.
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!" he bellowed. He finally caught up with her as she rounded the corner by the last column. He took a swing, and hit mostly stone (again), but this time managed to clip off a bit her tattered wing on one side. She gave a small screech, but still, that wasn't enough to satisfy Raziel's rage. Luckily for her, being his double and, hence, knowing many of his maneuvers was playing out in her favor.
As the Drag Reaver fled behind the left row of columns and back up towards the locked gate leading to William's Chapel, the Dumah and Rahab had begun to discuss how they were going to attack and defeat both specters.
"Okay," Rahab was saying, "So, we'll wait until they come up by us again, and then, while they're preoccupied with each other, we'll jump them, slay them both, and take BOTH their heads to Moebius. Surely one of them will be the right guy, right?"
"Right!" Dumah said enthusiastically.
"Okay," Rahab nodded, then took a good hold on his weapon. "Ready?"
For a long moment, Dumah did nothing, only stood there blankly. Then, suddenly, he looked at Rahab and said, bluntly, "I like dirt."
Rahab blinked, and then relaxed his grip on his weapon. "I'm a water man myself," he replied simply.
"Yeah," Dumah said, "But water doesn't have as much flavor as dirt."
Back with the Soul and Drag Reavers, Razielia had made a fatal mistake. She had taken the fact Raziel would be following her for granted. And so, one can imagine her surprise when, just as she passed the locked iron gates of the Chapel, Raziel leapt upon her and pinned her against the cold metal, having cut her off instead. She gasped, and then cowered.
"Thought you could get away from me, did you?" Raziel said smugly. Razielia whimpered. "I thought so." The Reaver of Souls chuckled darkly. His eyes still seemed to blaze, but now more with amusement than anger. "Before you die, Razielia, I'd like you to know that simply because I am no longer endowed , as you so elegantly put it, that doesn't mean I am no longer a coconut tree. Understand?"
Razielia shook her head, as if to say no. Raziel sighed.
"Surely you aren't that dumb. You were the one that stared all this metaphorical nonsense about coconuts." He watched her expression, and when it didn't change, he sighed. "Look, when a coconut tree , and the coconuts get taken away somehow—let's say by a whirlpool of white-hot fire—but the main trunk of the tree survives, it's still a coconut tree. See, the leaves, branches, and all the rest could be long gone, but it's still a coconut tree. Okay?"
"Hey, wait a minute!" Dumah exclaimed. They were close enough to hear the conversation the Reavers were having. "That guy's wearing a dress, and you have no coconuts?!"
"That's wrong," Rahab shuddered.
"On so many levels," Dumah agreed, also shuddering.
"Who asked you two clowns?" Raziel loosened his grip on Razielia slightly so he could look behind him at the Sarafan. Realizing this may be her only chance to escape, Razielia began to squirm.
"Well, no one, I guess," Rahab said frankly, "But maybe you guys can solve a problem for us. See, we were told to kill the blue guy that would come running in here..."
"But there's two of you," Dumah continued, "And we don't know which one of you we're supposed to kill."
Raziel considered the situation, then grabbed Razielia by the throat, and tossed her to the Sarafan. "This one," he said simply.
"Hey, wait, no!" Razielia hit the ground on her side, but was quickly scrambling to her feet. "That's not right! You don't kill me! Besides, it's not like you can anyway!"
"Yeah, but we were still ordered to try," Rahab said, then he began to advance on her. Dumah did the same.
"Alright! It's not everyday we get to kill a demon in drag!" Dumah said happily, "That's even better than the regular kind!"
This one statement had an astounding effect on Razielia. She went from small, cowering, fearful blue specter to proud and offended Drag Reaver in no less than 2.1 seconds and was staring daggers at Dumah. If looks could kill, Dumah would've been one dead Sarafan Warrior right then.
"Excuse me?" she said darkly, "And what, exactly, do you mean by that, sweet cheeks?"
"Uh, um," Dumah stopped and looked at Razielia dumbly.
"Don't answer her!" Raziel yelled, "It's a trick! Just jump her, Dumah!"
"Well, um...only that, you know, gay demons are even worse than the normal kind," Dumah said, apparently ignoring Raziel. "You know, because they're gay. It, like, makes them even more...unnatural..."
"I knew it," Raziel groaned, "'Dumah' really is 'Dumbass' misspelled..."
Now it was Razielia's turn to have her eyes blazing. "Oh...Oh, are they now?" she said hatefully, "Is that a fact?"
"Well, yeah." Now Rahab had stopped and was looking at Razielia. "I mean, everybody knows that a demon in drag is twice as bad as a regular demon is..."
"It's like a double violation of moral values," Dumah said with a nod.
"A...violation...of...moral...values?!" Razielia's eyes widened in outrage, and her entire body began to shake in anger. Suddenly, her right arm began to glow in an icy blue color, and a white and blue ghostly blade materialized around her right hand. Raziel knew what it was instantly, having a version of that very same weapon himself. It was a wraithblade—the wraithblade, or at least Razielia's version of it. Never before had Raziel seen her summon her symbiotic weapon into the material realm, and it's presence here now suggested that she'd reached the level of anger where only one thing would satisfy her hatred.
Death.
The two Sarafan Inquisitors eyes widened at the blade.
"What is that thing?!" Dumah yelled.
"I don't know, man, but I'm getting out of here!" Rahab yelled back, then dropped his weapon and began to run. Dumah dropped his own and followed.
Sadly for them, the room was locked from all sides, trapping them. Razielia made an almost growling noise, and yelled in a voice that was very deep and masculine, and very unlike her usual tone, "LIKE HELL YOU DO!" She then lunged at them and fell upon Dumah, her wraithblade easily weakening and cutting through his armor to his soft flesh. Terrified and full of pain, Dumah began to scream.
"What the...Wait just a bloody minute!" Raziel yelled, "I'm the hero in this RPG! This is my video game! I get to kill all the annoying bit characters! Gah!" Frustrated and annoyed, Raziel took off running again. He quickly caught up with Rahab and cornered him. The Reaver made very quick work of Raziel's future water-dwelling brother, just as it had of Melchiah and Zephon. And again, as Rahab fell and died, the vampiric blade began to take in his lifeblood. Raziel tilted his head back and allowed the pleasure of the Reaver's thirst to overwhelm him...
Once the blade was done and Raziel had regained his senses, he turned to see what had become of Dumah. What he saw was a pile of bloody metal and flesh that had been nothing short of massacred, and Razielia standing aside from it as she made an attempt to clean some of the blood off her dress.
"Oh, curse this stuff," she grumbled, her voice back to being high-pitched and particularly girly, "I'll never get these stains out...Oh well, not like the dress isn't wrecked already anyway..."
Raziel approached her and Dumah's remains, shocked. "Why, Razielia," he said in amazement, "I didn't know you had it in you. You didn't take his soul, did you?"
"That homophobe?" she gestured to Dumah and snorted, "Goodness gracious no, honeybunch. That nasty old thing might have given me indigestion."
Raziel actually laughed at that, despite the honeybunch comment. "Yeah, okay," he said, then gestured to Dumah, then to the Reaver. "Do you mind...?"
"...if you let your sword feed on him? Knock yourself out, baby doll."
Raziel nodded his thanks, and then drove the Reaver into what was left of Dumah. It eagerly took in what remained of his blood. Once it was complete, the lock to the iron gates which lead to William's Chapel were removed.
"Okay!" Razielia said happily, "Off to the next contestant!" She started for the gates.
"What?!" Raziel exclaimed, shocked, "I just tried to kill you and you STILL want to follow me around like a bad stench?!"
But Razielia only giggled. "Oh, Razzy, you're such a kidder!" she said, "You really had me going on that practical joke, chasing me around with that big ol' sword of yours...You should be a bit more careful, though, you really did put a nick in one of my wings."
"But! I! Wasn't! You! GAH!" Raziel gave a loud, irritated roar, and began marching towards the gate. The idea occurred to him that he could run her through while she wasn't expecting it as he passed, but he was enough in his right mind to worry about what kind of Soul Reaver she'd make again. Fuming, he instead walked up to the gate and began to open it.
Razielia giggled again. "You're so silly, doll," she said with a chuckle, and then followed him through the gate.