Author's Notes: Here I come to wreck the day!!! Yes, me and my bag of idiotic humor have returned once again to continue the antics of Raziel being frustrated to tears, if he could cry, that is. But first! Reviews…
Smoke: I think I answered most of your questions already…But I'm glad you're enjoying it that much!! I love the new pages, btw. :-) Hope you like this chapter as much as the others. You should, I think. I told you I'd see about your request… ;-)
Varyssa: Yes…yes, he likely would. nods Sadly, Raziel is obstinate and defiant, and so he probably never would put a pair on just to spite the known universe. Ah well…We can still fantasize.
Cobra-kun: THANK YOU! I agree, Rahab gets too much credit…So he can swim. Yeah, that's kinda cool, but he has the world's shortest attention span, I swear! And besides, Raziel still kicked his fishy butt, so who's the better brother?! Huh?! HUH?! I thought so! :-P Outtakes. Outtakes are good. Outtakes are very good… nods
ShadesOfBlood: Glad you liked it!!! May this next chapter serve you well…
cmartist: No prob! Just glad I have people to enjoy it still. :-)
And now, it's the one, the only, the amazing…
Chapter Four:
Razielia, Meet Vorador
Vorador, Meet a Wraith in a Dress
And so, as Raziel and his unwanted sidekick/shadow/stalker passed through the gates leading into the chamber before William's Chapel, Raziel beheld, for the first time since his execution at Kain's hands, his brother Turel. He stood with his pike facing them, his stance so proud, so noble, and so very righteous even now. As a vampire, Turel had managed to avoid Raziel's wrath when he returned as a soul-devouring wraith. But as a Sarafan, Raziel knew he would not be so lucky.
"Get back to the pit you crawled from, demon!" Turel yelled at him, and thrust his pike forward in warning. If he could, Raziel would have been smirking at the thought of that pike hurting him, especially armed as he was now. He raised the Reaver, the anticipation of the battle to come exciting him and the sword, and as he stepped forward, her heard a high-pitched voice singing softly behind him…
"Raziel, Raziel! Whacha gonna do? Whacha gonna do when he comes for you?"
Raziel stopped and groaned softly. If he didn't dislike her so much, he might have considered the line almost catchy, but since he did despise Razielia so, he loathed the very sound instantly. He turned to face her.
"Razielia, will you please shut up for just three seconds while I kill this guy?" he grumbled at the Drag Reaver with narrowed, and white eyes.
Razielia crossed her arms, and for a moment Raziel was sure she'd somehow managed to roll the glowing lights they both called eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever," she said, then a bit lower, "I was just trying to set the mood…"
"Three seconds?!" Turel stood upright and stared at Raziel. "I beg your pardon! I am second in command of the Sarafan Inquisitors, and certainly no push over! It will take longer than three seconds to defeat me!"
Raziel turned back. "Will it now?" he said. Then, without warning, he adjusted his grip on the Reaver, and charged across the room with what seemed to be lightning speed. He impaled Turel in the chest, and then remained still while the Sarafan's body adjusted to what just happened to it, all before Turel even had a chance to defend himself. Turel's eyes glazed over, and then he collapsed, his pike clattering to the ground beside him.
"That's what I thought," Raziel muttered. He allowed the Reaver to drain his former brother of his lifeblood, indulging in the sensation, and then began to pull the sword out of Turel's corpse. Razielia stared, wide-eyed.
"Woah," she mumbled, "That was…Why don't you do that more often, deary?"
"Because I'm not normally this frustrated with the world in general," he grumbled. As he pulled the Reaver free, the sound of another door being unlocked filled the room. He knew his path to his last, and most difficult opponent, himself, was now clear.
"You're frustrated?!" Razielia sounded shocked. "Huh…I can't possibly imagine what with." She thought about it for a moment, and then shrugged. "Oh well…Onward we go!" She uncrossed her arms as she turned to face the door, but before she could take a single step toward it, it began to open. Shocked, both Raziel and Razielia watched as Vorador, his sword still covered in the blood of the Guardians, walked through the door. He got just far enough into the room to allow to door to close, before he saw Razielia. She saw him as well, and their eyes locked. For several seconds no one, not even Raziel, who wasn't sure what to expect, moved. Then, simultaneously, they began to scream.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Vorador yelled, his yellow eyes wide as he stared at Razielia.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Razielia shrieked, her glowing white eyes equally wide as she stared at Vorador.
"Grrrr!!!!" Raziel growled as he covered his ears.
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!"
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!"
"Grrrr!!!"
"AAAHHHHH!!!!!"
"AAAHHHHH!!!!!"
"GRRRRR!!!"
At length, and much to Raziel's relief, the screaming of the Drag Reaver and the first-made vampire slowly drizzled off, but they continued to stare each other down.
Turel groaned. Raziel jumped and looked down as what he thought was a corpse started to lift its head.
"Wha…wha…what happened…" Turel groaned.
"Shut up," Raziel spat, and then rammed the Reaver into his chest again. Turel gagged, looked down at his second fatal wound, then his fell to the floor again. Satisfied, Raziel thought, It must be a programming glitch, and then looked back at Vorador and his double.
They continued to stare at each other, then Vorador snarled and said, "What in the blue hell are you?!"
Razielia's wide eyes then narrowed some as she crossed her arms again. "What am I?" she snorted, "Honey, I'm not the one who looks like Yoda on steroids."
"No, you're the one who looks like him--" Vorador gestured to Raziel.
"Don't compare me to her!" Raziel cut in.
Vorador ignored him. "—in a dress." He finished.
"Doll, I wouldn't be talking about fashion if I were you," Razielia retorted, "I mean, what's this you got going on here?" She uncrossed her arms to gesture to Vorador. "Love Child of Batman and the Frog Prince?"
"Frog Prince?!" Vorador bellowed, "That's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, Miss Princess Turned Pauper!"
"Piff!" Razielia turned her head away from Vorador and held her clawed hand in front of her face, palm side facing Vorador. "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't looking at your skank-ho self!"
Vorador blinked. "Skank-ho?" he mumbled. He then turned to Raziel, acknowledging his presence for the first time. "What the hell is a skank-ho?!"
Turel groaned again. "I think…it's an insult," he mumbled.
Raziel stared. "What the…I said shut up!" This time he stabbed him in the gut, and again, Turel went still.
"Raziel, do you need me to kill that Sarafan for you?" Vorador asked, "You seem to be having a little trouble…"
"I'm fine!" Raziel snapped, then looked at Vorador. "What are you doing here anyway?! This is the part of the game where I run off to confront my Sarafan self and kill him…me…whatever! You're part is done. So, why are you here?"
"Well," Vorador explained, "I just got done totally annihilating six members of the Circle of Nine and kicking Malek's armored ass from here to Coorhagen, and was told that the game management would be having a Post-Massacre party here."
"Well, you heard wrong," Raziel said crossly, "We're actually in the middle of shooting the last fight scenes of my second game 'Soul Reaver 2', not having a party. Sorry." He thought, and then added, "Wait a minute…How many times have you massacred the Circle?"
"Only once," Vorador replied, "Why?"
"Well, I was just curious," Raziel said, "Which Company is hosting the party…Silicon Knights, or Eidos Interactive? Because, technically, it should be Silicon Knights, but if it were, then I technically wouldn't be here…"
"Yeah," Vorador agreed with a nod, "it's a complicated story that would take all night to tell, trust me. Let's just suffice it to say that you're invited."
"I am?" Raziel's mood improved suddenly, "Hey, great! That'll be something…" He stopped suddenly, and then leaned on the Reaver as though it were a cane, glaring at Vorador. "Hold on a second…Director Henning told me she didn't have any way of contacting us in here! I doubt anyone else would be able to get any better a signal…How could you know about some party?!"
"They told me before I left to do the massacring," Vorador said simply.
Raziel blinked, then sat up and clutched the Reaver properly again. "Um…oh." His voice sounded particularly flat.
"Yeah, moron," Turel managed to choke out around some of his own blood, "you should have known that."
Raziel's eyes blazed. "Damn it, Turel!" he yelled. He quickly lifted the Reaver and decapitated Turel in one swift motion. "Die when I kill you!" the wraith bellowed, and then kicked the head across the room.
Vorador watched. "Yeah, I think you got him that time," he mused. "So anyway…what's with the wraith in a dress?" Vorador jutted his thumb at Razielia, who was still holing her hand out between her and the old vampire.
Razielia peered around her own hand enough to scoff and say, "It is not a mere dress! It is a blue sequin ball gown, with white, full-length gloves, a silver tiara, and high heels! Get it right, will you?!"
Vorador watched her as she again looked away and placed her hand between her and him. "Right…Um, okay, the wraith in drag then…"
Raziel turned just enough to get a good look at the Drag Reaver. "Her name's Razielia," he said, "She's a freak of nature from another reality that's been clinging to me like a bad stench. You want her? Five bucks."
"No thanks, I'm trying to quit," Vorador replied automatically, "That's all well and good, Raziel, but why does she look like you? And have a name similar to yours, for that matter…"
Razielia finally dropped her hand and looked at Vorador. "Because I AM him!" she said proudly, "Or, at least, another reality's version of him…I'm Razielia the Drag Reaver!"
Vorador looked at Razielia, then looked at Raziel. He then snickered. "Oh… you have got to be kidding me," he practically giggled. Then, when neither one replied, he burst out laughing. Raziel scoffed and crossed his arms.
"Yeah, yeah, " he mumbled, "Go ahead…laugh it up…"
Razielia stared at Vorador. "What's so funny?" she asked, confused.
"You…you are!" Vorador said between laughs. He started to get his laughing under control, but as soon as he saw Raziel he pointed at him and exclaimed, "Your alter ego's a drag queen!" before falling into a brand new fit.
Razielia gasped. "And so what?!" she exclaimed, "I bet yours isn't any better! Razzy, sweetie, does this booger with bat wings for ears have a name?"
"Sweetie?!" Vorador laughed so much harder at Razielia's endearment that he didn't even notice her insult.
Raziel was glad he had no teeth then, as if he did, he'd be grinding them to useless stubs. "Yes," he grumbled, "His name is Vorador…"
"Vorador, Vorador, Vorador…Hmmm…" Razielia thought as the old vampire continued to have hysterics. Raziel watched him as he doubled over and tried to remain standing. He was just wondering how badly it would mess things up if he decapitated Vorador and kicked his head over next to Turel's when Razielia suddenly exclaimed. "Vorador! I remember now! He changed his name to just Vora after he bought his first dress!"
Vorador stopped laughing and stared at Razielia. Apparently, the situation wasn't so funny anymore. "Um…excuse me?" he asked.
"Oh, yeah," Razielia waved a hand at Vorador, as if what she was about to say was common knowledge, "Everybody knows that Vora was the first vampire drag queen in Nosgoth…Her sire Yani Audron was just homosexual, but Vora was an all out drag queen in back in the day! The very first, actually…Set a trend for all of us homosexual vampires to follow, really." She sighed fondly.
"Do WHAT?!" Vorador cried out and even stumbled backwards a few steps, horrified.
Now it was Raziel's turn to laugh. "Not so funny now, is it, Vora?!" he mocked.
"Don't call me that!" he hissed at Raziel.
Raziel laughed, while the Drag Reaver continued. Clearly, she wasn't done yet. "Oh yes," she said, "Vora broke the boundaries for drag queen vampires everywhere…Without her, Koein never would have been half as successful in ruling Nosgoth with an iron hand and good fashion sense as he was, I'm sure. She mentored him, you know. Back in the days when he was just a fledging… 'Stay out of the affairs of humans,' she said, 'and never, ever, under any circumstances, wear plaid on anything except winter pajamas.'"
"NO!" Vorador yelled, visibly shaken. Raziel chuckled to himself.
"Okay, I think that's enough Razielia," he said, "he's got the point now. So, anyway, Vorador, about that party…"
Razielia, however, didn't seem to hear either one of them. "I met her once, you know," she went on to say, "She accused me of corrupting the Pillars with my horrendous attire, and then she started dancing around some subject about being the savoir of homosexual vampires or some nonsense like that, and I gave her a piece of my mind for being so cryptic—I mean, it's so tacky!"
"Make her stop!" Vorador pleaded to Raziel as he fell to his knees and clasped his hands over his ears.
Raziel's eyes widened, and he began walking towards Razielia. "Razielia!" he practically shouted, "You can stop now! You're scaring the pants off of him!" Raziel stopped and cringed. "Whoops, bad analogy."
"I don't think she's listening to you," Turel's head pointed out from where it sat against the wall.
"I told you to shut up, you programming glitch!" Raziel spat.
But again, the Drag Reaver was oblivious, and she continued. "She had several husbands, they say," she said, "And a small kingdom that she ruled from her Mansion of Love in the Notagent Forest. The Weeareman Warriors came in and killed all of them, though, and she got seriously pissed off and went postal on those tacky looking Circle members' posteriors! Except that one fellow, Manly, the Weeareman Lord…They say she seduced him and then left him in shame of all of his straight superiors with the acts she convinced him to commit…"
"AAAHHHH!" Vorador screamed, his eyes now bulging. He began to scramble to his feet, "That's IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" He then continued to scream, and made a beeline for the stained window of Janos Audron terrorizing Uschtenheim at top speed.
"Vorador! Wait!" Raziel cried out, "You didn't tell me where the party really is at! WAIT!"
But wait was not in Vorador's vocabulary at that time, and before you can say "Dumah likes dirt", he had smashed through the window, screaming.
Raziel stared, shocked and horrified. He felt like his spirit had just been broken in two. Meanwhile, Razielia continued to rant.
"And of course, there are always the accomplishments Koein himself made for homosexual vampires," she was saying, "What with creating me and my sisters to help him conquer the world and bring it under the rule of homosexual vampire drag queens. But that will never take away from Vora's accomplishments, and without her, we never would have amounted to anything." She finally stopped, and looked around. "Hey, where did he go? He should be honored to be the double of such a person as Vora…" She then noticed Raziel was just standing there, and she gasped and ran over. "Razzy! Razzy, are you okay?!"
Raziel couldn't bring himself to insult, correct, or even ignore Razielia. "Murfin raffle def," he muttered.
"What did you say, doll?" she asked.
"Murfin raffle def," Raziel muttered again, though a bit louder.
"Oh," she said, then glanced around, as if expecting an interpreter to walk out of nowhere. "Um…right. Well…I'm glad you're okay. Are you ready to move on?"
"Rea, uh eh," he mumbled, and began to turn towards the door.
"Okay!" Razielia said happily. She practically skipped ahead just so she could open the door for him. Raziel moved slowly, his shoulders slumped, his eyes dim, and dragging the Reaver behind him as though it were a piece of dead meat and not a powerful sword of legend.
Razielia waited patiently. "Aruh roo," Raziel mumbled as he walked past.
"You're welcome!" Razielia replied, then let the door close. She walked a few steps ahead of Raziel, and then began to talk. "You know, that Sarafan in there reminded me a lot of my sister Turelia. Have I ever told you about her?"
"Uhhhhrrrrgggg," Raziel groaned.
"I'll take that as a no," Razielia said, "Well, looks like we've got an empty hall between us and this other guy, so I'll tell you. Turelia never did what you told her either, she was too much of a drama queen for that. I swear, I don't think she caught a meal for herself in her entire life. And whatever you do, don't let her into a kitchen! Though Doomie never did figure that out, the poor dolt…I think she let Tur burn down four strongholds before she finally got the idea that Tur plus kitchen equal fire. I tried to tell her, but you know, she just wouldn't listen…Melanie thought maybe it was just a learning problem she had, but I told her that was Rahabia's excuse, not Doomies. But anyway, Turelia was always so competitive with me about everything! Clothes, guys, wars, everything! Not that I blame her, I mean…Who wouldn't want to be me?…"
As Razielia rattled on ahead of him, Raziel glumly scooted along, dragging the Reaver behind him. And in that moment, he realized he had never missed his eyes so much, as a real good bawl could have done him a world of good.