Wow, you guys have no idea how happy it makes me feel that you all are liking my story! I thought I would do a double update so I'll post chapters 4 and 5, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I dont own anything, only the ideas that I put into this. And boo I dont own Lancelot.

What Heaven Is...

Chapter 4- "Remember When It Rained"

It took me two weeks to regain the rest of my strength. Arthur's physician arrived, and told me that I should be resting. I can not stay locked in a room for another minute, but I also don't want to be around Arthur and Guinevere. They are soon to be married, joined as one. I don't know if this angers me or pains me, maybe a mix of both. I've walked around by myself, sometimes wandering into the field and finding the spot where I laid, pierced by an arrow. I sit there, my legs wrapped beneath me and I curse Arthur's so called 'god'. I curse him with all my might.

Why would you spare me?! Spare me and make me suffer their romance?

There is always no reply, just a cry from a hawk, or the breeze blowing in the trees.

I sat down slowly, like I had a million times in the past weeks. I felt the ground beneath me before I looked skywards.

"Why!" I exclaimed.

I pulled up a fistful of grass, grass that was probably fertilized with the blood of my enemy.

"You curse me because I don't believe in you! You've put me and her in a situation neither of us can escape!" I accused.

"Lancelot…"

I turned to see her standing not two feet from me, her hair falling about her face. I stood quickly and threw the last of the grass from my hand.

"I can't go on like this Guinevere! I can't…" I admitted.

She looked at me sadly before turning her gaze to the ground. I threw up my hands in aggravation and walked off. Rain started to fall softly at my feet, and before I realized we were caught up in a heavy downpour. I looked back at her, and saw her still standing where I'd left her. Her gown was now dripping wet, and her hair was plastered to her forehead. I sighed and walked back towards her, I unhooked the cloak I wore at my shoulders and put it around her.

"Walk with me…" I whispered.

She didn't raise her head as we started towards the forest. I looked back at the wall for a moment, to make sure Arthur was not in sight. Guinevere must have noticed my nervousness and she gripped my hand.

"He's asleep… I left him in his quarters." she said softly.

We entered the protection of the forest and I pulled her close to me.

"Don't do this Guinevere…come with me. We'll leave today, please." I asked looking into her eyes.

"I can't Lancelot…I love him, and he loves me. I'm destined to be with him, I know this now." she explained.

"This is folly! I love you more then my life itself Guinevere! How can…"

She clutched herself to me then, cutting me off. I sighed and put my head on hers, taking the moment in.

"I can't go on like this…" I said again.

She looked up and we parted, she placed her hands on both sides of my face and kissed me softly.

"You promised…you promised you wouldn't get jealous."

I tore away from her,

"To hell with what I promised Guinevere! You mean for me to stay here and watch this? For the woman I love to marry my best friend." I demanded.

Guinevere closed her eyes, as if trying to protect herself from my words. I tightened my jaw and shook my head.

"We have to stop…we can't do this any longer." she ordered.

"I will never love another, do you realize this? Hmm, do you?" I demanded my voice raising.

She looked up at me, her face the portrait of despair. She crossed the distance between us with two steps.

"And I love you Lancelot…I love you with my waking breath. But I love Arthur, he is the one I've chosen." she said softly.

The words knocked the air out of me.

"Was I but a pawn in your game?" I asked heatedly.

"No, never that…don't ever think that. It's just…Arthur was there for me when you were ill. I sought him for comfort when you were near death, and that made me remember why I fell in love with him! Do not punish me for my feelings" she exclaimed.

I laughed and kissed her forehead,

"Ah but my lady, you punish me everyday." I whispered as I walked off and left her.

The rain rolled off my fingertips as I stormed away from her.

"Lancelot! I don't want this…us to end this way. I love you…."

I spun around on my heel and stared at her.

"What? You love me to much, is that it? Hmm? I never should have let down my defenses, you weren't worth it." I hissed through clenched teeth.

Guinevere's face went pale, and she slowly untied my cloak and shoved it at me with shaky hands. Her eyes glared at me from beneath the veil of hair, they showed both hurt and anger as she looked at me. I straightened and threw my cloak on as she walked past me. I watched her walk away, her steps gaining speed until she broke into a run.

I sighed as she grew small in the distance.

What have I done? Lancelot you bastard.

I approached the wall tenderly, not really wanting to return. I had taken a long walk around, prolonging my return. I froze when her figure came into sight. She had collapsed against the side of the wall, with her knees clutched to her chest. I knew not why she had collapsed, either from exhaustion, or the exchange between the two of us. I stood off to the side, and drew my cloak around my body, and I watched her weep silently into her hands. I wanted nothing more then to run to her side, to take her into my arms and reassure her it would be fine. That I let my temper get the best of me. But yet I couldn't take her into my arms, I couldn't hold her body next to mine no longer. Her lips were to never touch mine again, and so with unsteady steps I walked past her shrunken frame.

"Lancelot…"

I turned quickly, I was nervous for no reason it seemed.

"Ah…Arthur." I said trying to smile, though my teeth rattled.

"Care to make rounds with me?" he asked motioning towards the gate.

I hesitated. Should I go? We would surely find Guinevere still shrunken by the side of the wall.

You're the cause of this! You and your damn temper.

I nodded and Arthur motioned for me to follow. Conversation was short while we walked. I looked up at my friend nervously, not being able to stop myself from doing so. I opened my mouth to say something when the sounds of weeping caught both our ears. Arthur looked at me and continued to walk around the bin. There she was, like a small child, still crumpled and shivering from the wetness of her clothes. Her skin was very pale, and her hands shook. Arthur raced to her and bent down at once, removing his cloak and wrapping it around her small and trembling frame. He cupped her face and tilted her chin up to look into her tear filled eyes. He wiped the tear trails from her cheeks and kissed her forehead as I had just minutes ago.

"What happened?" he asked fear and concern mixed in his voice.

I saw her eyes set on me, and my blood ran cold. Her jaw set sternly and she wrapped her arms around Arthur's neck as he lifted her from the ground. Her eyes never left mine as she pressed herself to him, and the look on her face was one of pure vengeance.

"Arthur…" she whispered softly.

It made me sick, how she clung to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Had she not just clung to me in the same desirous way? She kept me in her line of sight until she snapped her head back to Arthur. I watched this with heartbroken eyes. There she was, the woman I loved in the arms of my best friend, and her lover. Her savior, which was what Arthur was. She was never my savior, only his. I bit the inside of my jaw until I could taste the blood. I clenched my fists and looked away, trying to keep my emotions veiled.

It was a day that should have been a glorious one yet there were dark unseen storm clouds forming, the lightening crackling, and ready to strike down and bring a wind of change.

I watched the bride, a woman I loved with all my heart, and the groom, my best friend and a man who had equal hold on my heart, stare into each other's eyes as I moved into my position behind Arthur

How tricky she was in her gaze I realized. She was not looking directly at Arthur but to those around us, it appeared as if she was staring directly into the eyes of the man she was marrying.

I watched her carefully, her eyes danced between Arthur and myself. But it seemed that she locked eyes with me for a moment, and whispered "I love you". I know Arthur smiled and she smiled in return and squeezed his hands

A tear, as much as I tried to fight it, to hold it and keep it back, began to form in my eye. I wanted to reach up and wipe it away but that would draw attention so I let it remain where it slid free from my eye and down my cheek and it in that instant, her eyes once more focused on me and she saw my tear.

It seemed the world stopped in that instant. Nothing else mattered but her and I. I felt the tear leave my cheek and I bowed my head to watch it's descent towards the ground.

I watched the tear strike the ground, shattering like that of a sword blade into a million pieces, thinking how it mirrored my heart which was weeping as well, breaking into many pieces within my chest.

"Guinevere...Arthur..."

My body trembled as Merlin's words came.

Please...if there is any hope in this world. Make this stop.

"You will now be joined..."

Another tear, I could already feel it gathering on my eyelash. I heard Gawain behind me say something how this was perfect. I wanted nothing more then to run him through, which was an inconceivable thought in my mind at all times.

You know nothing of perfect....this is not perfect! What she and I had was perfect!

Never this...no never this

It took every bit of strength of will power within my being to hold back from lashing out in that moment at Gawain, from striking him down. I heard a breath catch somewhere and with shock, realized it was my own, my own shocked response to the thought that had taken hold of me. I clutched my hands together, shaking, trying to remain still but failing. My heart was breaking, I could not watch this.

"I join you now as one..."

Both my heart and my world shattered. I looked towards her once more, and held back the tears when I once again found her gaze to be locked on mine, instead of her husband's.

There it was, at the corners of her eyes. Tears. Whether they were tears of joy or tears of sadness, they were there. Oh how I wished I could but reach out and wipe them away. To feel the softness of her cheeks, to be able to call her mine once more. But alas, she was now bound to Arthur, and that was a bond that could not even be broken by a swift blow of my sword…the powerful Lancelot's heart was now shattered.