Disclaimer: Still dont own anything!

note: I want to thank my friends Ashley and Dwight for helping me with this chapter! big hugs

What Heaven Is...

Chapter 5- "Requiem for a Dream"

There was tightness in my chest. It wasn't from my physical wound, this was an emotional wound. My hands were trembling and I tried desperately to calm myself.

End this nightmare…be done with it. Let me wake from this and find her next to me.

The scene didn't disappear; I stood there still, standing behind my best friend. The other three knights were lined up behind me; I was the front man, Arthur's right hand man. I could feel my cheeks flush when the thought passed my mind. A right hand man who tried to steal the love of another's wife.

People started towards the couple, and I backed up trying to stay away from them.

"Hail King Arthur and his Queen"

I blinked and tried to understand the words. Queen?

No, not Queen. That is certain death for me; she will be placed on a mantel too far up for me to reach.

I turned my back on them and started to walk away.

"Lancelot! Wait…"

I stopped in mid-step and turned to the smiling Arthur. I bowed my head to him in respect.

"Arthur…" I replied.

Arthur put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me.

"My dear knight, we have come far on this path of destiny. Have we not?" he asked.

I nodded and let my eyes wander to where Guinevere stood behind us. When she saw my eyes locked on her she slowly took steps towards us.

"Guinevere and I would be so honored if you took up command of the Knights." Arthur said.

I stared at him.

I don't want control. I want none of this; cast me from your sight.

My eyes darted to Guinevere as she reached Arthur's side.

"Arthur…I…"

"Think on it, and come to me when you've reached an answer." He said as he looped his arm around Guinevere's slender frame.

I ran my tongue over my lips and nodded.

"I will…thank you."

Guinevere,

Sacred ties of love's sweet chain;

Destroyed apart; lost in the rain

This love's strong link isn't truly broken

Until parting words are spoken

Don't let this end

Not just yet

For even alone-you I'll never forget

Always,

Your Knight

I sat the pen down and placed the small paper on her bed. I ran a hand through my hair and turned away, wanting to finally have my leave. I made my way out to the stables slowly, my mind racing with memories.

"Do you think we'll ever just…run away?" she asked as she sat up from the grass.

I looked over at her and smiled.

"Just say the word my lady and we will leave. Leave this place and start our own destiny." I whispered as I ran my finger down her arm.

She turned to look at me, and a smile spread on her lips.

"I wish for nothing more…"

Her words seemed to echo in my mind. I wanted to weep, but there were no tears. I wouldn't let her make me go to my knees; nothing put me on my knees. I entered the stables and went straight to my horse. The mare looked at me, and I patted her head softly.

"You ready for another ride? Hmm, ride far from here?" I asked.

The horse whinnied at me and I smiled.

"That's my girl." I replied as I reached for the reigns.

"And where are you going?"

I turned swiftly and almost reached for my swords. Bors stood behind me, cradling one of his many kids. I shook my head and turned back to the horse.

"I see the way you look at her Lancelot…and I see the way she looks at you."

My face nearly flushed at his words. I did my best to cover my reaction to them, making my face void of any emotion that might give me away.

"What do you mean?" I half laughed; turning my back to him, I knew the pain was clear in my eyes as well as the heartache and I would let no other see.

"You can't fool me." Bors came closer making some cooing sound to his child. "I have many children, all of different personality but the one thing they do share is pain and hurt that appears in their eyes – the same pain you have in your eyes now and I know why."

"I think you have been drinking too much again Bors." I approached my horse, still not facing him, trying to calm the storms of emotion that were raging inside of me.

"Maybe, but then again maybe I haven't." Bors walked up to my side, the child fast asleep in his arms, cheek pressed to his shoulder.

"But what I do know is that I see what is reflected in your eyes for her is also what I see mirrored in her own eyes. You can't fool me Lancelot, I know you love her."

I turned to face him, my body shaking as tears that came unbidden broke free from my eyes.

"She is Arthur's wife and queen now; she is no longer free to be mine!"

"Many a woman has left their husband for another it won't be the first time and won't be the last." Bors said.

"W-what are you saying? I can not destroy Arthur that way!"

"He would be destroyed worse if he knows that the woman, who claims to love him, loves him not but loves another. Sometimes destiny can be changed." With that Bors took his leave of me.

I watched him leave in silence, his words impacting me worse then I expected. I rubbed my eyes absentmindedly and leaned against the side of my horses stall.

I will not destroy Arthur, I can not.

My horse nudged my shoulder softly and I looked up.

"You ready?" I asked before reaching for my saddle.

I could feel the clatter of the horse's hooves. It seemed the movement sought to break loose what was left of my heart. I focused on the road before me, trying to shake everything from my thoughts. I slowed the horses pace as the forest swallowed us.

You run from yourself knight…

I looked around me skeptically, knowing the forest housed Merlin and his Woad army. I shifted in the saddle as a feeling of uneasiness came over me. I looked to the sky and exhaled.

This forest is haunted…

"Nothing is haunted in this world save my dreams wizard." I replied.

"Then why don't you face your fears?" a voice asked from beside me.

I turned suddenly, and caught Merlin with my eyes. I pulled on the reigns and my horse came to a sudden stop. I felt the animal tense up and started to walk forwards in protest of my command.

He stood there, like a natural fixture of the forest, a forest elemental come to life perhaps he blended in with his surroundings so well.

"Do you wish to add to my already troubled thoughts wizard?" I asked as my horse finally protested in drawing any closer to the man.

It seemed as if he emitted a sense of ill ease that was not only restricted to humans picking up on but animals as well. I climbed off my horse and approached Merlin with caution, still keeping an eye out for any signs of an ambush, my hand resting on the hilt of my sword.

"Tell me knight, what troubles you enough to take a ride through the darkest of forest paths?" Merlin leaned back against a tree, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Festivities aren't to your liking?"

I tried not to let the comment catch me off guard, to show the surprise and I quickly straightened my back and shoulders.

"Are they not to your liking? I would think you would have stayed there longer to celebrate her day."

"What makes you say that? I have other duties to attend, if I had stayed longer I may have missed you Knight."

"Do not use me as an excuse" I said as I relaxed a bit.

"Calm yourself, I am not using you. You are in distress because of this day, of that I know."

I broke eye contact with him.

"Aye, I'm here because of the events of the day." I said blandly.

I heard him make a sound of understanding.

"You care for Guinevere deeply, and she shares these feelings." He replied.

"I care for her happiness, which she has now, married and Queen." I responded, anger coming to my voice.

"Just because of a marriage does not mean there will be happiness." Merlin said softly.

I shook my head.

"You do not make sense old man."

"What the heart feels and what the body does are two different things knight." Merlin said.

"One may give their body willingly but in their heart it is not to the one they want it to be given too." he added.

He motioned for me to follow and I took the horse's reigns. We walked deeper into the trees, and I heard footsteps and voices behind us.

"Pay no attention; they are just surprised to see a Knight entering our realm willingly." Merlin said without looking back at me.

My hand was on my swords again and I glanced around.

"I come here for the sheer fact that there is no other road to where I seek to go." I answered.

Merlin nodded and this time he stopped and looked at me.

"And where is that?"

I remained silent, not really knowing where I was really going. I looked up at Merlin and his eyes looked at me sympathetically.

"Come with me Knight…"

It seemed we walked forever, through the whispering trees, everything seeming to remind me of Arthur, the Saxons, the arrow…

We stepped out of the forest and into an area of land that seemed so familiar to me. Merlin continued to stare straight ahead, finally stopping as I continued to search my memory for why this place, these trees were so familiar to me and then before me, I saw why. There it stood before me, the chamber where we had found her. It sat in front of me like a demon from my nightmares. I glared towards Merlin,

"Why did you bring me here?" I demanded.

He motioned towards the burnt remains of the property.

"This is where you were heading was it not?" he asked.

I opened my mouth in protest, but nothing came. I silently nodded and Merlin smirked.

"Go there Knight, find what you're looking for, I will wait…"

I took a few steps forward hesitantly before climbing onto my horse and breaking into a run. I turned back to the forest and shot a look of rage towards the old man before I nudged the horse to go faster, faster towards the place that held so many memories."