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What Heaven Is...

Chapter 13- "End Of Hope"

I sat down heavily next to Galahad, who was sitting quietly on the stacks of hay.

"Galahad." I said, acknowledging his presence.

He nodded slightly, but did not respond. I studied him for a moment, wondering about his silence.

"I will never leave this place." he whispered.

None of us will…

I sighed and looked towards the ground.

"I will never see my family again." He continued.

I glanced up at him and was taken back by the pain-filled expression he wore.

"Galahad, why do you…"

"Lancelot, do not tell me there is hope, for there is none. Arthur is right there is no worse death then the end of hope." he said.

I sighed.

"Then I shall never return home either." I responded.

There is nothing left for you there anyways. All you k now how to do now is kill.

I rubbed my hands together aimlessly, trying to clear my mind.

"Home seems like nothing but a dream, a dream that I hope will come when I close my eyes, yet my dreams are just blackness." Galahad spoke softly.

I knew of what he spoke, my dreams were a black haze, and in the middle of that haze I see her. She is always out of my reach, and when the haze finally starts to fade, she disappears from my sight.

"Do not let this burden you my friend, or you'll end up like me." I looked at him as I spoke.

He laughed softly, the actions bringing long lost happiness to his face. He looked at me and smiled.

"Lancelot, you have more here then I'll ever have."

I felt my body tense up. He knows, Bors has said something.

"What do you speak of?" I asked, pushing the nervousness back.

He motioned outside.

"They all love you. Woman whom have never met you speak of you! You are Arthur's brother, and right hand man." he said solemnly.

I smirked and clasped my hands together.

"Galahad." my mind went blank.

"The Queen adores you, we all see it." he finally said.

"Aye, we've both saved one another, we understanding each other." I said, wanting to get off the subject.

"Lancelot, do not try to…"

Don't let him finish.

"Galahad, you are young. I was the same way, nothing shall come to myself with the Queen." I said as I stood.

Galahad laughed at me, his eyes telling me he knew more on this matter. I took my leave,

"You love her."

His words blew away with the wind.

Everywhere I went in the wretched encampment I heard about Guinevere.

"The child will lead us to greatness one day."

I let out an exasperated sigh and quickly shut the door to my rooms. The sun shone brightly through the window and I walked towards it. I leaned on the windowsill and felt the sun on my face.

What are you doing? What are to you trying to prove?

"Bah, do not think on it." I said aloud.

My mood quickly darkened and I hit the small table that sat beside me. It clattered to the floor, the contents spilling out everywhere. I moaned and collapsed in the chair, I put my head in my hands and took a few deep breaths to try and stop my hands from shaking.

"Lancelot?"

I looked up and wiped the small tear from my eye. Guinevere looked at me sadly for a moment before studying the scattered contents that were sprayed across the floor.

"What happened?" she asked.

I laughed and picked up a dagger from the mess. I didn't respond to her question and she stepped in my way.

"Why do you…"

"Guinevere, step aside." I said firmly.

She locked gazes with me and stood her ground. She crossed her arms impatiently and I could feel the aggravation rise in me again.

"Move my lady, or I will move you myself." I replied.

Again she did not move. I put my hands on her shoulders, but neither one of us moved. Her hand slowly went to mine and her touch sent shivers down my spine.

"Please…" she whispered as she closed the door with her free hand.

I shook my head silently and she moved closer to me, so our bodies were pressed tightly against each other.

"Lancelot please, allow me but one last kiss." she pleaded.

I tilted my head down and stared into her soft face. She leaned up slightly and our lips connected. I felt my body relax as I stood there, my arms slowly wrapping around her small frame. I let myself stand there for a few moments, clutching her to me.

"Guinevere, please don't do this." I said.

I pulled back, but let my arms remain around her. She looked away and wiped at her mouth solemnly. We stood for a few moments in silence, before she looked back at me. She touched my face softly,

"It pains me to see you like this…" she said.

I sighed and tried to look away from her. She placed her other hand on my cheek and caressed it tenderly.

"You cannot do this to yourself Lancelot, not for my sake." she said.

I pulled away from her then, and turned my back on her.

"Do not think my lady that you are the only cause of this!" I demanded.

But you know she is…

Guinevere didn't respond and I leaned against the windowsill again.

"My lady, we were done! You carry Arthur's child!" I continued.

I should be disgusted with myself.

Guinevere nodded and broke her silence.

"Ah, that I do sir, I do carry a child."

I shut my eyes; her words making tears come to my eyes.

"Leave me then, for I want nothing to do with…"

"With me? Do you wish to forget me?" she demanded.

No, I just want you for myself.

"Guinevere…"

"If you wanted to forget me sir, you shouldn't have gone back to that estate." she said coldly.

She left the room quickly, slamming the door behind her.

I found the note laying on the table after she left, folded neatly, and my name written in her flowing handwriting. I took a deep breath and opened it slowly. Her handwriting covered the page, and I forced myself to read it.

Lancelot,

The thought of how I've hurt you pains me, more than I can say, more than you'll ever know. I want to beg for your forgiveness, my darling, the king of my heart. I wish you too know my everything, the depths of my soul, more than you do now. I want you to be able to know and understand the boundaries of my heart.

My love you've possessed from the start, but I fear my love can not be expressed by mere words alone. I want desperately to show to you, but I fear I know not how. Take the gift of my love and guard it well, guard it like a secret you must never tell.

My love, my knight, and so much more. My everything, the one I adore, as I close this, just know my love for you will never know death, it will survive if I myself shall never draw breath again.

Forever yours,

Guinevere.

The night was cold, and I tried desperately to warm my hands. I walked silently through the fields, thinking to myself. The grass swayed in the wind softly, and I stopped. What are you doing? I didn't know the answer to that; I couldn't come up with one reasonable answer for myself. Sure I was trying to make this easier on her, trying to make myself feel better for betraying Arthur. I shook my head and continued to walk, how many times had I been here before? How many times had I walked with her through this field, escaping the eyes of the guards and taking each other for ourselves? I sat down on the grass again, and shivered at the dampness. I bit my lower lip softly, and shut my eyes, trying to shut out the screams from my soul. I ran my hand through my hair absent mindedly and finally rested my forearm on the crown of my head. I couldn't stop them, I knew they were coming, but nothing could prevent them. The tears flowed from my eyes freely and I let myself cry. I clasped the note from Guinevere in my hand, and I saw one of my tears fall onto the paper, leaving a small water stain. I wiped at my eyes, wanting this to end, willing myself to stop this, to just let her go. I stood with shaky legs and I took a moment to compose myself before I started back towards the wall.