It had been a week since our parents told us the horrifying news about them separating. Matt and I were completely devastated and the only other feeling I was carrying inside me was guilt. I could tell that Isabella didn't flip about this whole situation and she didn't have any reaction to it what so ever. The reason why I had this guilt in me was because Isabella and I had been fighting so much, and it had affected the relationship of our family. I felt angry with myself and felt like I needed to punish myself for what Isabella and I did.
Gordo and Miranda were very supportive when I told them the news and said that everything would be okay.
"No, everything's not gonna be okay. I'm gonna have to go to New York with Dad and I'll never see you guys again! And I'm really happy here, there are great people, excluding Ben and Isabella and I like my school! There is no way I am going, and no one can make me!" I said to Miranda and Gordo at lunch.
"That's the spirit Lizzie! I love your self confidence!" Gordo said happily. I faked a smile and put my forehead in my hands. My life had just gotten a lot worst and I felt like I preferred fighting with Isabella than our parents separating. But this rivalry between us had to stop.
After school I had gone to the Digital Bean with Miranda and Gordo so I could attempt to clear my mind of all the bad things that were happening in my life. Gordo, once again tried to ask me out while Miranda was in the bathroom and once again, I rejected him. Yes, I did feel kind of bad about it but I didn't know how he could think about asking me out at a dreadful time like this. Gordo was one of my best friends, that's all I saw him as. Not a boyfriend, a best friend. And he had to realise it.
By the time I got home that night, it was six o'clock and dinner was almost ready. I went upstairs to get changed and Isabella was standing outside her room, grinning at me. I had no idea what she could have been so happy about.
"What are you so happy about?" I asked dully as I opened the door to my bedroom.
"And you say I'm mean Lizzie?" She said and let out a small snort.
"What are you talking about? I'm not in the mood to talk to you, go away." I told her coldly.
"Ahem." Isabella cleared her throat loudly and began to speak. "I don't see him and like him in that way anymore. He's a little...geeky for me..."
I scrunched up my face and wondered what the hell she was on about. Then it hit me, and my mouth became dry as a desert. That line, Isabella had just said, sounded awfully a lot like something I wrote in my diary not long ago.
"I couldn't believe I actually dated him before and I'm glad that only Miranda knew. I felt a little ashamed of myself when I went out with him and I know I would be the laughing stock of the grade if anyone found out..." Isabella continued.
"YOU READ MY DIARY?!?" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"Jeez. Don't overreact Lizzie." She said calmly. "It's not my fault it was lying in your underwear draw."
"What the hell were you looking in there for? And what, may I ask were you doing in my room in the first place?" I exploded.
"Mom told me to put the washing away. Don't get angry with me-"
"Don't get angry at you? What kind of stupid question is that? I'm more than angry at you! I have private stuff in there that no one is suppose to know! HOW MUCH DID YOU READ?" I bellowed.
"Oooh, I dunno. Let's leave that for you to find out eh?" Isabella said as she pulled put a pink, fluffy note book that I had had since I was five. I had regretted not putting a lock on it now and Isabella was never going to let me live it down. I had written everything in, from the day I met Miranda and Gordo to now. I just wrote everything that happened or what I was thinking and it had a lot of private stuff in there.
She flipped through the pages of my diary and I went up to her and snatched it violently off her.
"How dare you go-"
"Don't you mean, how dare you go writing cruel things about your best friend? Hmm?" Isabella said and raised her eyebrows at me. "I'm sure Gordo wouldn't be too pleased to hear what you wrote about him Lizzie." She then walked into the bathroom and shut up the door.
I sighed heavily and walked into my room. My life was getting worse and worse every single day and I felt like going to sleep and never waking up. I flopped on my bed and read over what I had written in my diary over the past week. Isabella was right, I had written some bad things about Gordo, things that I desperately didn't want him to find out. And if he did, I knew that this time, he would not forgive me. This time, I hadn't lost my memory and I knew what I was doing. I felt a sharp pain in my chest when I realised that once Isabella knows something, then the whole school does.
I wished I had never written those things about Gordo in the first place and it made me feel even more guilty than I already had. He was my best friend, and people don't normally write bad things about the best friends. But I truly didn't see Gordo as a boyfriend anymore because I used to when we dated at the beginning of the year.
I walked slowly to school the next day and hadn't really had the chance to talk to Isabella. I didn't want to talk to her; I had to talk to her. I had to tell her not to tell Gordo anything I had written. As I became closer to school, I saw Isabella waiting near the large tree and I quickly ran up to her.
"What do you want?" She jumped in shock when she saw me.
"I need to tell you something." I answered.
"Which is...?"
"Um, please, please, please promise me that you won't tell Gordo or anyone else what I wrote in my diary. PLEASE!" I begged.
"And why should I promise you that?" She asked.
"Because Gordo is my best friend! If he finds out he'll hate me forever!"
"Maybe he deserves to know! If he was your best friend you wouldn't write bad things about him. Maybe it will teach you a lesson not to-"
"PLEASE!" I interrupted. "I'll do anything!" I pleaded again. I felt like a dog begging for food. Or worse, maybe.
"Anything?" Isabella said with a slight change in her voice. I hesitated, and then nodded quickly.
"Let me stay here with Mom and you go to New York with Dad." She said at once.
"What?!? Um... can you just let me think about it, please?" I asked.
"Fine. But I want your answer after school, got it?" She said bossily.
"Okay then. So that mean's you won't tell?"
"Yeah." She replied and went to meet up with Ben before I could answer. I let out a huge sigh of relief and went up to meet Miranda and Gordo where they were watching our conversation.
"Did I just see you and Isabella having a conversation without yelling at each other? Whoa, that's pretty extreme!" Miranda said to me. I laughed, and it was the first time I had laughed for weeks.
"What were you guys talking about?" Gordo asked curiously.
"Oh...um...nothing. Really, I-it's nothing Gordo." I said nervously. He nodded looking unconvinced.
"So have you guys decided between the two of you who goes and who stays?" He asked.
"Uh, no...No not really."
"Oh okay."
"Well, actually, I have a feeling that I will be going to New York."
"WHAT?" Miranda and Gordo said loudly together. "I thought you said you wouldn't let Isabella tell you what to do!" Miranda said, sounding irritated.
"Yeah...I know. But...I d-don't know, I guess I need a...change." I lied.
"Oh." Miranda said unhappily. "Well then I guess we won't be seeing you much anymore then."
"No, wait, I haven't made a decision yet! I guess Isabella was right; maybe it is for the best. You know, us being apart so we can't fight anymore."
"But Lizzie, we're you best friends. You...don't wanna leave us do you?" Gordo asked.
"NO! No, of course not, definitely not! I would never wanna leave you guys cos you're my best friends, but, do I have a choice? Okay, don't answer that." I said feeling edgy, and I was beginning to sweat. "Look, do you guys wanna come over after school? I'll probably be able to explain things better then."
"Yeah sure. I've done most of my homework, so yeah, I can come." Miranda answered. We both looked at Gordo and waited for his reply.
"Um, nah, I can't. My grandma is coming and...I haven't seen her in ages. Sorry."
"Oh, that's okay." I said, relieved. If Gordo wasn't there, it would be easy for me to tell Miranda the truth. Well, easier anyway.
Miranda and I were sitting in my room after school, and Miranda was waiting for answers.
"Okay, I lied. I don't want to go to New York. At all." I added.
"That's obvious." She said and I nodded. "I mean that you lied."
"What, you knew?" I whispered.
"Yeah. C'mon Lizzie! I can always tell when you lie, it's so obvious. Your face goes red and you begin to sweat! I know you!"
"Oh." I said awkwardly.
"Okay, well now I want the truth." Miranda told me. I looked at her and hesitated. "Come on Lizzie, I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything. Why the sudden change of mind to go to New York? You never wanted to go before."
"Okay I'll tell you. But you have to promise me you won't tell Gordo. Cos that's part of the reason why I changed my mind." I said. Miranda gave me an odd look and told me to continue.
"Well, most of life I've kept a diary. A diary where I keep all my private things. Oh, don't worry, there's nothing about you." I quickly said when Miranda gave me a bit of an evil eye. "Anyway, I wrote some stuff in there about Gordo, some stuff that weren't exactly very nice. And the worse part is, Isabella went into my room to put away some of my clothes and she found it and read it. All of it."
"How can you just leave your diary lying around like that when you know Isabella? And besides, what were you doing writing bad stuff about Gordo? Isn't one of your best friends? I mean, if you wrote stuff about him, you must have written stuff about me, right?" Miranda asked worriedly.
"I didn't leave it lying around, I left it in my underwear draw and Isabella happened to find it. And I wasn't really writing about my friendship with Gordo, it's kinda more like our relationship...you know? How he keeps asking me out." I said. "I know I use to date him before, but now, I don't see him that way anymore."
"Lizzie, he probably keeps asking because he doesn't know you feel that way, you have to tell him. Or is it maybe cos you still have feelings for someone else?" She asked me seriously. I looked at her and then at the floor. I didn't know what to say.
"No...no I'm over Ben. Really. Well at least..." I stopped.
"Lizzie, come on, he's a jerk, and you know that. He dumped you for Isabella and you heard her, he used you!" Miranda said. "Okay, never mind about that for now, can I just see your diary and see what you write about Gordo? Please?"
I walked over to my bed, lifted up my mattress and pulled out the fluffy pink note book and handed it to Miranda. I now had a new hiding spot for it so nobody could find it. There weren't many places to hide it as my room was so small, but if I had my other room, Isabella probably wouldn't have found my diary in the first place.
Miranda took a while to read through what I had written and it seemed like hours of dead silence. When she finished she looked up at me.
"Ashamed? You never told me you were ashamed of dating Gordo." Miranda said surprisingly.
"Yeah well, I was...but not anymore." I said feeling slightly embarrassed.
"Okay, but what had this got to do with going to New York? That's what I don't get."
"Well, Isabella told me she would only not tell Gordo if she could stay here, and I moved to New York." I answered.
"But that's blackmail! She can't do that!" Miranda said looking astounded.
"Miranda, what choice do I have? If Isabella told everybody and Gordo, then the whole school would be against me and I would never live it down. Then I would have to change schools anyway cos I'd be so miserable there!" I said. I felt so confused and didn't know what to do. Leaving my best friends behind was the last thing I wanted to do. But hurting them...
"But if Isabella told everyone, I doubt they would care Lizzie! I mean, we're not the popular people, so they won't give a stuff about that type of gossip!"
"Oh Miranda I'm so confused! I don't know what to do and I have to give the answer to Isabella soon!" I said worriedly.
"Lizzie, I don't think I can help you with this. It's your choice." Miranda said.
I paced up and down the hallway nervously, thinking extremely hard about what I was going to do. I heard Isabella's footsteps coming up the stairs and I began to panic. What am I going to do? Oh, I haven't made a choice yet! She can't make me do this, Miranda is right, this is blackmail! I was telling myself.
"Well." Isabella interrupted my thoughts. I looked up at her nervously and gulped. "What's your decision?"
"Look, if I agree to go to New York, how am I gonna know if your not gonna tell Gordo? I mean, no offence but I don't exactly trust you." I said truthfully.
"Lizzie, you have my word for this! I'm serious. This is the only thing I want and I swear to god I'll keep my promise. Miranda would know if I've told anyone so she'll tell you." Isabella said. She had a point and for some weird reason, I believed her.
"Okay, I'm trusting you on this alright? And that's a big thing for me." I laughed.
"So it's a yes? I mean that you're going." Isabella asked eagerly. I thought about it again for another moment because this was a big step I was taking. Once I made my decision, I couldn't go back.
"Yes." I finally answered.