A/N: Yup, I'm back, with a second installment in the series! The original idea still doesn't belong to me (Theresa Green gets the honors, for her awesome LOTR owner's guide series). This is done with her full permission. Enjoy.
There comes a time in every fickle fangirl's life when one hottie simply isn't enough to satisfy her cheesetastic soap opera fantasies, and she always has to conjure up a twisted love triangle. Enter the Bad Boy, Stage Left.
In Ma-Ri Su's case, after completely traumatizing her ZHAO YUN for life, she decided to go ahead and splurge her Christmas money on buying a little "competition" for her affections: Her very own LU BU unit! Of course, this meant having to look through yet another pesky owner's guide and maintenance manual...
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a LU BU unit. To ensure that your big bad Dynasty Warrior remains satisfied under your roof and doesn't try to take over your household one day, please operate him according to the instructions detailed out within this guide.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Family Name—Lu, Given Name—Bu (honestly, it doesn't sound that silly when pronounced in Chinese. Nor does it rhyme, for that matter), Style Name—Fengxian
Aliases: The Mighty Lu Bu (modesty? What modesty?), Bu-Bu Bear
(Note: Owners are strongly discouraged from trying to call their LU BU units by that last nickname…unless they're the types who enjoy concussions.)
Manufacturer: KOEI Corporation, Dynasty Warriors Division, Beefy Rogue Warlords Collection
Date of Manufacture: Circa 156 A.D.
Place of Manufacture: Wuyuan County, China
Height: Six (6) feet, ten (10) inches
Weight: Let's see…He's incredibly tall. He's incredibly buff. You do the math.
Default Age Setting: Twenty-nine (29) years
Length: Very, very long
(Note: This is in reference to the LU BU unit's Sky Scorcher)
ACCESSORIES
Think such a big, bad boy needs only the barest essentials when it comes to his clothes? Wrong! The LU BU unit is (in)famous for his stunningly complicated attire. As a result, he will be shipped to you clad in only his undergarments, since his fighting robes, armor, greaves, boots, sashes, and headdress take up an entire second crate. When you receive the LU BU's separate wardrobe package, be sure to run an inventory of its contents according to the list below:
1. One (1) embroidered black silk fighting robe
2. One (1) blue-and-gold torso armor with a giant gold beast's head set on the abdominal piece
3. Four (4) additional pieces of armor to protect the LU BU unit's arms and legs (watch out for these in moments of passion, they come equipped with sharp dragon's teeth—might take an eye out if owners aren't careful)
4. One (1) extra piece of armor, painted with pretty red flowers, for the specific purpose of protecting the LU family jewels
5. One (1) pair of dull gold bracers
6. One (1) pair of heavy metal boots
7. One (1) blue sash
8. One (1) gold headdress, adorned with a pair of insanely long pheasant tails
9. One (1) trident halberd, aptly named the Sky Scorcher
Owners also have the option of supplementing their purchase with a RED HARE unit. It is an easy method of temporarily buying their LU BU unit's loyalty…at least until a DIAO CHAN unit comes along!
OPERATIONAL FUNCTIONS
Traditionally, the LU BU unit was manufactured mainly for a bodyguard/second-in-command position. However, seeing as how with each new incarnation, he keeps getting hunkier and hunkier, several new uses have emerged over the past few years. The following are some of the more popular uses for a typical LU BU unit.
1. Hitman
Is there an annoying executive in your company who's always shooting down your brilliant ideas for stock market domination? Do you sometimes wish the old fart would drop dead, just to get him out of your way? If so, bribe your LU BU (a RED HARE unit will usually do the trick), and he'll be more than happy to…shall we say, conveniently dispose of your geriatric boss.
2. Personal Trainer
Vin Diesel? Feh. Colin Farrell? Sure, if you like 'em small and foul-mouthed. Those Abercrombie Fitch guys? Pshaw, whatever. No, no, no, if you truly want to attain the physique of your dreams, then you couldn't ask for a better trainer than the Mighty LU BU! Spend a few weeks with the big guy, and he'll have you pumping iron and working off that flubber in no time.
3. Voice Coach
What? You think bellowing, "Worthless scum!" and, "You DARE face the Mighty Lu Bu?" over and over again is easy work? Owners who are planning to try out for the ten gazillionth season of American Idol or any of its rip-off shows are strongly encouraged to take some lessons from their LU BU units first. If nothing else, they're guaranteed to hit all the high notes, even if they do hit them in the most blustering, threatening way known to man. Hey, at least owners won't have to worry about that smug Simon Cowell making fun of them afterwards—he'll more likely than not be cowering behind the water cooler.
4. Fashion Advisor
He may be built like a tank, but look around you, LU BU is one of the best-dressed studs in the Dynasty Warriors Collection. If you have any further doubts, just think about this: it takes a real man to pull off a flowered codpiece!
5. Motivational Speaker
Seeking the ambition and drive to conquer the world? Look no further than the wall of bulging muscles in front of you! Be prepared, though, for the constant plots of backstabbing and/or killing off your old business partners that your LU BU will pitch at you.
There are, of course, several other, more unorthodox uses for your LU BU, which he may or may not comply with, depending on…aw, what the hell, it's a LU BU unit we're talking about here, not a sweet little LU XUN unit! Have fun, but just remember, our company is not responsible for any divorce costs or, um, hospital fees that may result as a consequence of owners' relationships with their LU BUs.
CLEANING
Unless you want your first encounter with your new LU BU unit to result in your staring tremblingly at the tip of his Sky Scorcher, DO NOT attempt to undress LU BU and plop him into a bubble bath right after unwrapping him from his shipping crate. The LU BU unit always has to assert his masculinity in every situation, and having his pants ripped off by a hormonal female doesn't constitute as very manly on his part. For the least trouble, you should hand your LU BU a bar of soap and send him off in the direction of the nearest bathroom. Chances are, he'll have figured out how to work the showers in a week or so (the LU BU is not one of our company's brightest units…but man, he's packing some muscles!) Until your LU BU figures out how to turn the pretty shiny knobs, you'll just have to get used to the scent of sweat on a man.
PRECAUTIONS
He may be the Mighty LU BU, but he is, after all, a mortal man when it comes down to it. Therefore, do not expose your LU BU unit to the usual fire, electricity, arrows, and/or a GUAN YU unit's beard, which is long enough to work as a noose.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can I enter my LU BU in a bodybuilding contest?
A: Sure, why not? It's a great excuse to oil him up and then sit back and ogle away as he prances about in an itty bitty Speedo, flexing his muscles and striking pretentious poses that make everybody else look constipated but on the LU BU unit look dead sexy.
Q: How do I go about feeding my LU BU unit?
A: Oh, it's not so hard, really. First, you start out with an appetizer of cold Chinese sausages, followed by a light yet aromatic dish of perfectly seasoned silverfish soup and crisp Chinese pancakes roasted with green onions. Then, you move on to an ample course of steamed rice, heavily peppered steak, spicy lamb with scallion and mushrooms, diced chicken with stuffed eggplants, roasted duck, minced pork with tofu, steamed crabs with water chestnuts, and jumbo shrimp in lobster sauce. For dessert, the LU BU may have a choice between a healthy serving of the Eight Treasure Pudding…or yourself in a giant hollow cake.
Q: Are those pheasant tails on my LU BU's headdress considered choking hazards?
A: With all the power, muscles, and sharp, pointy objects that the guy's lugging with him, and you're worried about his two cockroach antennae!
Q: Not to sound like a perv or anything, but we all know what they say about tall guys and their, ah, proportions…?
A. Yes.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: After catching a rerun of The Terminator on TV the other night, your LU BU has run off to Hollywood to become the next action star!
Solution: Show LU BU a picture of Vin Diesel (Bruce Willis will do if you're still too traumatized by The Chronicles of Riddick to even look at Vin), and tell him that all current action stars now have to be bald. Ninety-five percent of the time, this method has proven highly effective in scaring all disobedient LU BUs back to their homes.
Problem: Your LU BU seems to detest your father. A lot. So much so that he's tried on numerous occasions to run the old man through.
Solution: Due to the LU BU unit's stormy relationships with his own two fathers (see: Ding Yuan and Dong Zhuo, otherwise known as Daddy Ding and Daddy Dong…God, that just sounded so wrong on so many levels), he is programmed to be inherently hostile toward any patriarch figures. The best solution this company can suggest is that you take out a restraining order prohibiting your LU BU from coming within a five-mile radius of your father. We're beginning to suspect, however, that all this may just be a clever ploy on the LU BU unit's part to avoid having to interact with the dreaded father-in-law. Yes, clever LU BU is hard to fathom, but these things do happen…
Problem: Just recently, your boss threw a Christmas party at his house, and for lack of a better date, you brought your LU BU unit along. The LU BU seemed to be behaving just fine as long as the hors d'oeuvres didn't run out, but when he caught sight of your boss—who is on the portly side and could use a shave—your LU BU suddenly let out a roar and tried to impale the poor old fatso with his own Christmas tree!
Solution: Check around the neighborhood. Has a conniving WANG YUN unit been lurking behind your bushes? More specifically, has he brought a DIAO CHAN unit with him? If so, then your LU BU has more likely than not mistaken your overweight boss for the despotic DONG ZHUO unit, and his Must Kill Adopted Father So That Fengxian Can Boink Skanky Songstress program must have automatically kicked in. We can only suggest that you reboot your LU BU unit, and in the meantime run the DIAO CHAN and WANG YUN units out of your neighborhood. For the best results, hire a ZHANG HE unit to do the job; he seems like the type that will be, ahem, least likely to fall for the DIAO CHAN unit's seductive ways.
Problem: Your house was suddenly broken into by a feisty, rather arrogant girl in a skimpy armor and with what you privately thought was a rather bad blue dye job. Hair faux pas aside, the real problem is that she's filing a claim of being your LU BU's long-lost daughter, LU LING QI!
Solution: The company sincerely apologizes, but it appears as if you've been accidentally issued with the wrong edition of the LU BU unit. Instead of a Beefy Rogue Warlord model from the Dynasty Warriors Collection, it appears as if your order has been accidentally mixed up with a Helmet-Hair model from the Dynasty Tactics 2 Collection. Just seal up the LU BU and LU LING QI units in their crates, and send them back to us for a full refund.
FINAL NOTE
Unfortunately, due to the reckless behavior, lack of foresight, and inane ability to somehow piss off everybody in a position of power that all LU BUs possess, the company is unable to issue a warranty for this particularly volatile unit. We suggest that all owners follow the directions laid out within this manual, avoid doing anything that might irritate their LU BUs, avoid having their LU BUs do anything that might irritate influential politicians or military leaders, and steadfastly prevent their LU BUs from coming into contact with pretty brunettes in pink dresses.
No warranty? Darn! Ma-Ri Su shrugged. Oh, well, if her LU BU unit spontaneously combusted too soon, she could always go ahead and get herself a MA CHAO unit to replace him!