Author's Notes: Love is a battlefield. Or is it a bitch? Either way, the
budding romance is off to a rocky start. Snape gets some welcome advice
from an unexpected source. Mira has doubts.
How will these two react to the impulsive but chaste kiss outside the tailor shop? Mira, being raised in the more liberal and worldly muggle culture has a radically more different reaction than our poor professor, who hasn't dealt with these kinds of feelings in so long that he's utterly and completely at a loss as to how to move forward.
Disclaimer: Not mine. None of the things from the books. Sigh. such is life.
Chapter 12: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Mira stood in shock for a moment, then stumbled back into the shop, locked the door behind her, and nearly fell on the ground laughing. She ran over to the floo fireplace, grabbed a handful of floo powder, tossed it into the fire, said "Lucilla Barrow!" and put her face close to the flames.
"Lucy! Lucy! Are you there?"
Lucilla's floo fireplace blazed into action and nearly scared her out of her wits.
"Damn you Mira! You scared the hell out of me! What's going on?"
"Are you there by yourself?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I'm coming over".
Mira stepped into the fire and in an instant was stepping off the hearth into her friend's sitting room.
"What the bloody hell is going on Mira? You hate floo travel, and it's nearly ten o' clock."
"Lucy, sit down, you won't believe this...."
Lucilla conjured up some hot cocoa and sat and listened to her friend's story.
"Wait, wait Mira, are you telling me that he actually ran away after kissing your hand?"
"Like a scared rabbit Lucy, I thought I was gonna wet my pants it was so funny."
"And you say he's the one who was watching you dancing at the festival, and the same one who sent you the drink at the tavern?"
"Yes, it's him. It took me a while to figure out who was watching me dance that night, but I got the exact same feeling of being watched in the tavern, coming from the back of the room, and then again from the bar. I didn't want to look, I was afraid it was that man Susan's been trying to set me up with, but when he sent the drink over, I had an idea of who it was. He owled me a note this afternoon, and I knew for sure."
"Who is he Mira? I didn't get a good look at him in the tavern, all I could tell was he's tall and wears a dark cloak."
"He's one of the professors at the boarding school, he teaches Potions".
"MIRA! He's a complete and total asshole! Nobody, and I mean nobody who went to Hogwarts has ever had a kind word to say about him, and I've heard he's absolutely foul! You can't be serious Mira, how are you gonna get rid of him?"
"Who said I wanted to get rid of him?"
"Oh Mira, come on. You can do better than that. Besides, I've heard rumors that he's involved in some serious dark magic and may even have ties with you know who...."
"Lucy, that's all gossip. You've never met the man. He's a little abrasive I'll admit, but he's been very gentlemanly to me, and he's absolutely fascinating. He's really not that bad. I mean his hair needs a good washing, and he could smile once in a while, but he's not a troll or anything."
"Fascinating! We both know that fascinating to you means complicated and a little scary. No Mira, listen to me, he is definitely BAD news. He's not just some sulking broody poet or some petty thug with a heart of gold. He's dangerous and I don't want to see you get mixed up with him. Now have some cocoa and think rationally about this".
Mira drank her cocoa. Lucy would never see what she saw in the man. Maybe Lucy was right, Mira really knew nothing of the man aside from his occupation, abrasive personality, and interest in ancient wizarding artifacts. He didn't bat an eyelash at her confession of using an unforgivable curse on her ex-husband. Maybe he was bad news. If nobody had a kind word to say about the man, then maybe she was not seeing him as others who had known him longer saw him.
"It's a moot point anyway Lucy. School starts in less than a week now, he'll be completely caught up in the new term, I doubt I'll see him again. But I have to admit, he's awfully interesting despite what you might believe. He smells sexy, like unwashed sheets."
"Oh Mira, you sick bitch! Drink your damn cocoa and go sleep on the couch, I don't want you in that floo network this late at night. For Merlin's sake, I wouldn't be surprised if he slipped some kind of potion into that drink in the tavern to make you hot for him."
"Calm down Lucy, it's okay. We shared a couple drinks and he kissed me on the hand. It's not like we've swapped bodily fluids or anything. It was just a flirtation, no big deal. It's okay, really."
"Just get some sleep, and try not to dwell on him anymore, okay?"
"Okay... G'night Lucy..."
"G'night Freak."
Mira smirked to herself, got the spare pillow and blanket out of the closet and bedded down on the couch for the night.
Snape hurriedly crossed the school grounds towards the main castle, and noticed a light flickering in the small hut Hagrid lived in, on the edge of the forest.
"What the hell" he said to himself, and walked over to the little house and knocked on the door.
The door opened a few inches, and a very large eye peeped out through the crack.
"Oh, professor, come on in. What brings you out for a late night stroll?"
"Hagrid, I need to talk to you about something. It has to be a secret though. I'm not really comfortable discussing it with the headmaster."
"Well, sit yourself down then, would you like a cup of tea?"
"Something stronger if you don't mind".
"I've got a cask of ale, would ya like a pint?"
"Something stronger than ale if you have it."
"Well, now, this must be serious if you need something stronger than ale to get talkin' about it."
Hagrid fished a flask of amber liquid out of his pocket and handed it to the professor. Snape undid the cork and took a sip, and choked on it.
"Merlin's BEARD Hagrid, what the hell is this?"
"Just a little somethin' I picked up in Knockturn Alley. Strong, but no hangovers."
Snape passed the flask to Hagrid, who took a long sip and winced.
"So, what's botherin' ya professor, it must be something serious to bring you out here this late at night".
"Hagrid, you know the kind of position that I'm in. You know that I'm playing a very dangerous game, and eventually I'll slip up and my cover will be blown. And when that day comes, I won't make it out alive."
"Yes professor, I know full well what's hanging over yer head every day. If ya can't take it anymore, maybe Dumbledore can find a way to send ya into hiding or something."
"No, that's not it at all. I made the commitment to follow this through to the end, whatever that end might be. This isn't about me Hagrid."
Hagrid took another sip from the flask and passed it back to the professor who took a couple long sips, corked the flask, and set it on the table.
"Who's it about professor? Does it have something to do with you know who?"
"No, Hagrid. How can I explain this? Damn, this is hard to talk about."
"Well, spit it out professor, can't do ya any good bottled up inside".
Snape ran his fingers through his hair, let out a deep sigh, and sat forward in his chair.
"Hagrid, when I made the commitment to become a spy for Dumbledore, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't get involved with anybody. It'd only serve to distract my attention and it wouldn't be fair to the other person. I made a conscious effort to push people away from me before they could get close. I didn't allow myself to have friendships, and I especially didn't allow myself to have any romances."
"Aaah, Professor, ya needn't say no more. You've found somebody that ya fancy. And now, ya don't know what to do about it. "
"I can't do anything about it. If I get involved with her, and things go wrong with my spy missions, Voldemolrt could come after her to punish me. I've already been seen in public with her, more than once. I think she's already in danger. I think she has something to do with a magical artifact that the Death Eaters are looking for. I can't protect her Hagrid. If Voldemort comes after her for this artifact, I can't blow my cover and help her. I don't know what to do, I didn't intend for this to happen, but it has. I know I should just walk away from her, but I don't want to, I can't. If what I dread happens, and I don't come back the next time I'm summoned, I don't want to die having missed this chance."
"For Merlin's sake. If she means that much to ya, then go fer it. You're still a man professor. Dumbledore never expected ya to stop being a man in order to work for him. You've got needs like any other man, and sometimes those needs go farther than just the physical if ya know what I mean."
"But what if getting involved with her causes her to come to harm? How could I live with myself if she were harmed to punish me or if she was taken down with me when this conflict blows up? I can't even think of what could happen to her if she were used to retaliate against me."
Snape sat back in the chair, let out a heavy sigh, and stared into the flickering fire burning in the fireplace.
"Now listen to me, and listen to me good professor. You're destroying yourself. Dumbledore knows it, Pomfrey knows it, and even Sprout knows it. You're working yourself to exhaustion and ya can't keep on punishing yourself for what you are, what you were. If ya want this woman, then let yourself have her. If she'll have you. She does fancy ya back, doesn't she?"
"I think so, I suppose. I really haven't given her a chance to let me know if she does or not. I'm more afraid of her sharing the feeling than not. Because then I'd have lost it all by having to walk away."
"If ya don't mind me asking professor, who is she? She must be a mighty fine woman to put ya in such a state".
"Her name's Mirabelle, she lives in the village."
"Mira? Mira from the tailor shop? Good God man, what the hell are ya thinking letting a woman like that slip through yer fingers?"
"You know her?"
"Know her? I danced with her at the festival, and she's patched my coat a time or two. Several of the men in the village have their eye on her. If I were you, I'd make my move now, before somebody else steals her away and ya loose yer chance."
"How could I be so foolish? I shouldn't have let this happen. I should've shut the door the minute I realized that I was attracted to her."
"Look professor, I can't tell ya what to do, but I will tell you that if you don't at least tell her how ya feel, even if ya decide not to act on it, you'll regret it for the rest of your days."
The two men sat back in their chairs, basking in the effects of the alcohol and the warm glow of the fire.
"Well Hagrid, thank you for the advice, and thank you for the drink. I'll find a way to let her how I feel. How, I don't know. What happens next, I don't know either. But I'm already too far into this to just shut the door and walk away."
"That's the spirit Professor. I mean, after what you've been through since last term, this should be a piece of cake".
Hagrid got up from his chair, walked unsteadily to the door, and held it open for the professor. Snape staggered out the door and into the bracing night air. Momentarily sobered up, he made his way back to the castle and down to his chambers. He fell into a fitful drunken sleep, and woke up with a raging hangover the next morning.
How will these two react to the impulsive but chaste kiss outside the tailor shop? Mira, being raised in the more liberal and worldly muggle culture has a radically more different reaction than our poor professor, who hasn't dealt with these kinds of feelings in so long that he's utterly and completely at a loss as to how to move forward.
Disclaimer: Not mine. None of the things from the books. Sigh. such is life.
Chapter 12: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Mira stood in shock for a moment, then stumbled back into the shop, locked the door behind her, and nearly fell on the ground laughing. She ran over to the floo fireplace, grabbed a handful of floo powder, tossed it into the fire, said "Lucilla Barrow!" and put her face close to the flames.
"Lucy! Lucy! Are you there?"
Lucilla's floo fireplace blazed into action and nearly scared her out of her wits.
"Damn you Mira! You scared the hell out of me! What's going on?"
"Are you there by yourself?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I'm coming over".
Mira stepped into the fire and in an instant was stepping off the hearth into her friend's sitting room.
"What the bloody hell is going on Mira? You hate floo travel, and it's nearly ten o' clock."
"Lucy, sit down, you won't believe this...."
Lucilla conjured up some hot cocoa and sat and listened to her friend's story.
"Wait, wait Mira, are you telling me that he actually ran away after kissing your hand?"
"Like a scared rabbit Lucy, I thought I was gonna wet my pants it was so funny."
"And you say he's the one who was watching you dancing at the festival, and the same one who sent you the drink at the tavern?"
"Yes, it's him. It took me a while to figure out who was watching me dance that night, but I got the exact same feeling of being watched in the tavern, coming from the back of the room, and then again from the bar. I didn't want to look, I was afraid it was that man Susan's been trying to set me up with, but when he sent the drink over, I had an idea of who it was. He owled me a note this afternoon, and I knew for sure."
"Who is he Mira? I didn't get a good look at him in the tavern, all I could tell was he's tall and wears a dark cloak."
"He's one of the professors at the boarding school, he teaches Potions".
"MIRA! He's a complete and total asshole! Nobody, and I mean nobody who went to Hogwarts has ever had a kind word to say about him, and I've heard he's absolutely foul! You can't be serious Mira, how are you gonna get rid of him?"
"Who said I wanted to get rid of him?"
"Oh Mira, come on. You can do better than that. Besides, I've heard rumors that he's involved in some serious dark magic and may even have ties with you know who...."
"Lucy, that's all gossip. You've never met the man. He's a little abrasive I'll admit, but he's been very gentlemanly to me, and he's absolutely fascinating. He's really not that bad. I mean his hair needs a good washing, and he could smile once in a while, but he's not a troll or anything."
"Fascinating! We both know that fascinating to you means complicated and a little scary. No Mira, listen to me, he is definitely BAD news. He's not just some sulking broody poet or some petty thug with a heart of gold. He's dangerous and I don't want to see you get mixed up with him. Now have some cocoa and think rationally about this".
Mira drank her cocoa. Lucy would never see what she saw in the man. Maybe Lucy was right, Mira really knew nothing of the man aside from his occupation, abrasive personality, and interest in ancient wizarding artifacts. He didn't bat an eyelash at her confession of using an unforgivable curse on her ex-husband. Maybe he was bad news. If nobody had a kind word to say about the man, then maybe she was not seeing him as others who had known him longer saw him.
"It's a moot point anyway Lucy. School starts in less than a week now, he'll be completely caught up in the new term, I doubt I'll see him again. But I have to admit, he's awfully interesting despite what you might believe. He smells sexy, like unwashed sheets."
"Oh Mira, you sick bitch! Drink your damn cocoa and go sleep on the couch, I don't want you in that floo network this late at night. For Merlin's sake, I wouldn't be surprised if he slipped some kind of potion into that drink in the tavern to make you hot for him."
"Calm down Lucy, it's okay. We shared a couple drinks and he kissed me on the hand. It's not like we've swapped bodily fluids or anything. It was just a flirtation, no big deal. It's okay, really."
"Just get some sleep, and try not to dwell on him anymore, okay?"
"Okay... G'night Lucy..."
"G'night Freak."
Mira smirked to herself, got the spare pillow and blanket out of the closet and bedded down on the couch for the night.
Snape hurriedly crossed the school grounds towards the main castle, and noticed a light flickering in the small hut Hagrid lived in, on the edge of the forest.
"What the hell" he said to himself, and walked over to the little house and knocked on the door.
The door opened a few inches, and a very large eye peeped out through the crack.
"Oh, professor, come on in. What brings you out for a late night stroll?"
"Hagrid, I need to talk to you about something. It has to be a secret though. I'm not really comfortable discussing it with the headmaster."
"Well, sit yourself down then, would you like a cup of tea?"
"Something stronger if you don't mind".
"I've got a cask of ale, would ya like a pint?"
"Something stronger than ale if you have it."
"Well, now, this must be serious if you need something stronger than ale to get talkin' about it."
Hagrid fished a flask of amber liquid out of his pocket and handed it to the professor. Snape undid the cork and took a sip, and choked on it.
"Merlin's BEARD Hagrid, what the hell is this?"
"Just a little somethin' I picked up in Knockturn Alley. Strong, but no hangovers."
Snape passed the flask to Hagrid, who took a long sip and winced.
"So, what's botherin' ya professor, it must be something serious to bring you out here this late at night".
"Hagrid, you know the kind of position that I'm in. You know that I'm playing a very dangerous game, and eventually I'll slip up and my cover will be blown. And when that day comes, I won't make it out alive."
"Yes professor, I know full well what's hanging over yer head every day. If ya can't take it anymore, maybe Dumbledore can find a way to send ya into hiding or something."
"No, that's not it at all. I made the commitment to follow this through to the end, whatever that end might be. This isn't about me Hagrid."
Hagrid took another sip from the flask and passed it back to the professor who took a couple long sips, corked the flask, and set it on the table.
"Who's it about professor? Does it have something to do with you know who?"
"No, Hagrid. How can I explain this? Damn, this is hard to talk about."
"Well, spit it out professor, can't do ya any good bottled up inside".
Snape ran his fingers through his hair, let out a deep sigh, and sat forward in his chair.
"Hagrid, when I made the commitment to become a spy for Dumbledore, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't get involved with anybody. It'd only serve to distract my attention and it wouldn't be fair to the other person. I made a conscious effort to push people away from me before they could get close. I didn't allow myself to have friendships, and I especially didn't allow myself to have any romances."
"Aaah, Professor, ya needn't say no more. You've found somebody that ya fancy. And now, ya don't know what to do about it. "
"I can't do anything about it. If I get involved with her, and things go wrong with my spy missions, Voldemolrt could come after her to punish me. I've already been seen in public with her, more than once. I think she's already in danger. I think she has something to do with a magical artifact that the Death Eaters are looking for. I can't protect her Hagrid. If Voldemort comes after her for this artifact, I can't blow my cover and help her. I don't know what to do, I didn't intend for this to happen, but it has. I know I should just walk away from her, but I don't want to, I can't. If what I dread happens, and I don't come back the next time I'm summoned, I don't want to die having missed this chance."
"For Merlin's sake. If she means that much to ya, then go fer it. You're still a man professor. Dumbledore never expected ya to stop being a man in order to work for him. You've got needs like any other man, and sometimes those needs go farther than just the physical if ya know what I mean."
"But what if getting involved with her causes her to come to harm? How could I live with myself if she were harmed to punish me or if she was taken down with me when this conflict blows up? I can't even think of what could happen to her if she were used to retaliate against me."
Snape sat back in the chair, let out a heavy sigh, and stared into the flickering fire burning in the fireplace.
"Now listen to me, and listen to me good professor. You're destroying yourself. Dumbledore knows it, Pomfrey knows it, and even Sprout knows it. You're working yourself to exhaustion and ya can't keep on punishing yourself for what you are, what you were. If ya want this woman, then let yourself have her. If she'll have you. She does fancy ya back, doesn't she?"
"I think so, I suppose. I really haven't given her a chance to let me know if she does or not. I'm more afraid of her sharing the feeling than not. Because then I'd have lost it all by having to walk away."
"If ya don't mind me asking professor, who is she? She must be a mighty fine woman to put ya in such a state".
"Her name's Mirabelle, she lives in the village."
"Mira? Mira from the tailor shop? Good God man, what the hell are ya thinking letting a woman like that slip through yer fingers?"
"You know her?"
"Know her? I danced with her at the festival, and she's patched my coat a time or two. Several of the men in the village have their eye on her. If I were you, I'd make my move now, before somebody else steals her away and ya loose yer chance."
"How could I be so foolish? I shouldn't have let this happen. I should've shut the door the minute I realized that I was attracted to her."
"Look professor, I can't tell ya what to do, but I will tell you that if you don't at least tell her how ya feel, even if ya decide not to act on it, you'll regret it for the rest of your days."
The two men sat back in their chairs, basking in the effects of the alcohol and the warm glow of the fire.
"Well Hagrid, thank you for the advice, and thank you for the drink. I'll find a way to let her how I feel. How, I don't know. What happens next, I don't know either. But I'm already too far into this to just shut the door and walk away."
"That's the spirit Professor. I mean, after what you've been through since last term, this should be a piece of cake".
Hagrid got up from his chair, walked unsteadily to the door, and held it open for the professor. Snape staggered out the door and into the bracing night air. Momentarily sobered up, he made his way back to the castle and down to his chambers. He fell into a fitful drunken sleep, and woke up with a raging hangover the next morning.