Chapter 12

She had been dodging Pacey's calls all week. She hoped he'd just get the message and stop calling, so that she could avoid the confrontation alltogether. Because, basically, she had no argument there. How could she expect him to stay faithfull to her while she was going back home to Dawson every night? She had no right to feel hurt.

"I just wanna talk to her" he came in in a rush before Nancy could stop him. Joey stood up and tried to seem cold but the truth was that her feet were shaking.

"Nancy, it's ok" she said. "You… you can close the door behind you"

Pacey came right in front of the office.

"Look, I know that I wasn't quite a gentleman on Friday, but that's no reason to avoid my calls. If you just let me explain…"

"I know." Joey said. "I know what happened."

"You do?" he was surprised. "Did Jen tell you?"

The mention of Jen's name hurt even worse. She hadn't talked to her either.

"Yes…" she mumbled and then she sat down.

Pacey seemed numb. He had a strange look on his face, a mix of surprise and hurt. Joey couldn't breathe. His hurt hurt her. And that's when she remembered what Jen had said about Jack 'When he hurt I hurt'. And she felt the tears coming.

"Jo… I loved her… hell, I still love her…!" he said softly.

The look on his face was so sincere and so painfull that Joey almost felt sorry for him. He seemed broken. She remembered his sad look at the Christmas dinner. He looked just like that now, just ten times stronger.

"The thing is… she never loved me back. I was Jack's best friend to her. That's all. Time and time again I tried to become her best friend too but she wouldn't let me. Every time she had problems, and God knows she's had lots of those, I was there for her. I held her when she needed me, she cried herself to sleep on my shoulder. But, besides that, nothing ever happened."

Did he say that nothing happened?

"Never?"

"No. Apparently she just wasn't attracted to me. Or… maybe she never considered me as an option. For me it was love at first sight, I felt like I was struck by lightning when Jack introduced us. But she… she didn't feel anything for me. I suppose I should consider myself lucky she allowed me to hold her when she was in need. She opened up to me, she told me stuff she wouldn't tell anyone else. But she never loved me"

Pacey collapsed on the chair.

"I know you may think it's stupid to hang on to someone like that for so many years…"

Joey just held out her hand and caressed his arm:

"Pacey, it's not my position to say anything" she said softly.

"I wasn't good enough for her. That's what it all comes down to. In her good moments she was the best person in the world. Smart, beautiful, funny… the whole package. I was just… Jack's best friend."

It all made sense now. Jen would never cheat on Jack. But the flirting did come from somewhere: it came from Pacey's strong love for her. Jen was an open person and she did like to flirt but she never thought anything of it. While Pacey…Who wouldn't love Jen? She was beautiful and smart and funny… the whole package.

"Potter?"

"Sorry… it just, all makes sense now…"

"What?"

"The way you are… So happy and so sad at the same time…"

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you sad with my sob story."

"Pacey… you didn't. I think we got closer today than we did in a month." She smiled a sad smile. "And for the first time I actually believe we could be friends…"

"We were friends…"

"No. I was telling you things but you never talked to me. It was more of a shrink – client kind of relationship"

Pacey smiled: "It's not exactly the kind of thing you talk about while having sex"

Joey chuckled: "Right."

After a moment of silence, Pacey asked: "It's over now, isn't it?"

"The sex part, yeah. It was all wrong anyway… but I think I just found a new best friend…"

"And I think you may be onto something, Potter" Pacey got up and held his hand towards her: "Friends?"

She took his hand: "Friends"

"So if I call you once in awhile, it'll be ok, right?"

"You'd better"

He kissed her cheek and left. Joey just stayed there, her hand on her cheek. She couldn't move. It wasn't his fault, you can't choose who you love. And it was sweet of him, how he was always there for Jen. So why did she feel like crying?

-------------------------------------------

"Hi Joey"

"Hi Jen. How are you?"

"I'm better now. It's just been a rough couple of days."

Nothing had happened. Joey knew that now. Jen had cried herself to sleep on Pacey's shoulder. It was OK.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, Jen"

"It's Ok, I think it's better like this anyway. I needed some time alone to figure everything out. You didn't come"

"I knocked on the door. No-one answered."

"Yeah well, Pacey came and we got dead drunk together."

"Did it make you feel better?"

"No but I thought it would… but that's not what I was talking about. You didn't come on Sunday either."

"I'm sorry, Jen, I just… I didn't know what to do…"

"It's ok… how about we meet for dinner tonight and have that long talk that I owe you?"

"Ok. 'George's'? Seven o'clock?"

"Sounds good. I'll be there"

----------------------------------------------

"It's been a weird couple of days" Jen talked first. "The wedding is still on and we're still organizing stuff… but we also had that big major crisis to keep everything in suspense…"

"Jack would never call off the wedding, Jen. He loves you."

"I know that and it's not Jack that I'm doubting here"

Joey looked confused.

"See, that's what went wrong the last time… Andie… Andie was a bit… let's say… unbalanced…"

"Unbalanced?"

"She was sick. She was on medication. She was… mentally ill…"

"Oh…" Joey didn't know what to say.

"You see, whenever she had a major crisis, it all fell on Jack and Pacey. And… well it was the anniversary of Tim's death… their elder brother… he had died in a car crash when he was 18… And Andie and her mother didn't take it very well… Andie's mum ended up in hospital… and after a while so did Andie. She got out eventually but she occasionally had these moments when she'd see Tim and go nuts…"

Jen took a sip of wine. She had a sad, nostalgic look on her face.

"She was great, you know. When she was ok. The kind of person I want to be. And then she'd turn into a freak… and that year… as I said, it was the anniversary of Tim's death… and Andie went nuts… And I tried to help, but Jack wouldn't let me… he just shut me out… and I knew he hurt like hell, and I hurt like hell because of it, but he just wouldn't let me help him. And I hated that he had that effect on me. So one day I just packed my bags and left."

"Jen…"

"It was the stupidest thing I did in my whole life. The minute I left I knew it was wrong. But I kept telling myself that it's not normal to depend on a person so much. And I thought of you, and I needed you… and I just went back to you…"

"Yes Jen and you've learned your lesson now and you won't do it again."

"Joey, he's shutting me out again"

"Yes and you will patiently wait for him to let you in. You can't force this door open, you have to have a key."

"But it shouldn't be like this! We're supposed to help each other." Jen sighed in frustration. "I feel so helpless…"

"He will come to you, Jen" Joey took her hand and held it strongly. "You just have to be patient and love him. I can only imagine what he's been through, losing both his brother and his sister at such a young age. You have to let him deal with it in his own way. He loves you so much, it's so obvious just by looking at him… Trust me, he'll come back to you. You just have to wait."

"It's so weird between us now. We talk and yet we don't, does that make sense?"

"Yes it does… It's like that with me and Dawson most of the time."

"I love you Jo. I know I don't say it much, but I do."

"I love you too Jen…"

They just smiled at each other.

"How's your problem going?"

Joey smiled bitterly.

"We ended things. He's in love with someone else. He's got it real bad and he doesn't have much of a chance..."

"And what's the problem? This is not supposed to be about love. I mean, you're in love with Dawson, aren't you?"

Joey didn't answer. She just hung on to Jen's hand.

"My God, Joey…"

"It's Ok, Jen. I'll live."