The Very Secret Diary of Claire Littleton

By Finn

LOST
From the point of view of Claire's diary.

Rated for excessive swearing, violence, and sexual implications. All very humerous, though.

Entry One

Dear Diary,

Today, my freaky-psychic-stalker-guy gave me plane ticket to L.A. Kept yelling at me about my baby and something about adoption and the end of the world. Took plane ticket. Maybe will meet hot rock star in L.A. Plus, hear there is lots of cheese in America. Yum.

Thoughts about baby today: 10. Damn. Am sad. Don't like being fat.

Entry Two

Dear Diary,

Am writing this on plane on way to L.A. Sitting next to weird Brit with big Dumbo ears who kept talking to me about driveshaft. Wonder, what is a driveshaft? Think Brit might be a little disturbed.

Got up to go to the bathroom (damn baby thinks my bladder is a squeeze toy) and was almost bowled over by blonde slut in a miniskirt who shoved me out of the way and locked herself in the bathroom. Blonde-slut closely followed by guy yelling, "Shannon!" and pounding on the bathroom door.

Whole plane is disturbed. REALLY disturbed.

Really wish I could have some peanut butter right now. Keep thinking about it. Dreamed about the Planter's Peanut Guy slapping my face with his stick-thingy. Took three Advils to make me calm down.

Thought about baby some more. Still sad. Hope baby looks like me, not man-slut-loser-girl-repellant Thomas. Ugh. Keep thinking about him too. Almost as much as I think about peanut butter. Almost.

Damn Advil.

Thoughts about baby: 12. Wonder if Advil bad for babies.

Entry Three

Plane crashed on scary desert island-place. Lots of sand. Lots of burning stuff. Lots of water and crazy people screaming.

Stomach really hurts. Think maybe baby was excited by plane-crash. Perhaps baby will grow up to be airline pilot. Or para-trooper.

Ow.

Cannot write anymore at the moment. Some strange American guy says he needs my pen to poke a hole in someone's throat so they can breath. Personally, think he wants pen to stab annoying blonde from the plane who keep screaming for no apparent reason. Wonder, is safe to let him take pen? Definitely won't want it if it's been in someone's throat. Hmm.

Later on.

Buzz-boy Jack took over. Says he's a doctor. Pfft. Athletic-scary-looking-brunette who stole sneakers from dead-guy is glued to Buzz-boy's hip now. Beginning to think maybe should've stayed in Australia.

On the bright side, in Australia there are no…wait…there are no….Never mind. Screw that thought.

Felt something funny on my back, so reached behind me and found disgusting black beetle crawling on my skin. Flung it away and discovered huge red bite on my back. V. v. scared now. What if beetle is poisonous? I COULD DIE!!!!! Went to "Doctor" Jack and told him I was bit by poisonous bug, but all stupid Buzz-boy would do was give me a few Advils and pat my head and tell me that there were no monsters on the island.

Took Advils. Feel much better. Maybe will steal more Advils from Buzz-boy if possible.

Later later on.

Ahhh. Much better. Feel fantastic. Wonderful. Peachy. Excellent. Desert island in the middle of nowhere? What desert island?

Even later on.

Damn. Advil wore off. V. v. grouchy and bitchy now. Told various persons (aka, stupid flat-nosed Dumbo-eared Brit who needs to find out what a razor is) to fuck off, but damn idiots just waved and told me, Nice to meet you. WTF???? Is the whole fucking island insane?!?!?!?!

Thoughts about baby: 5. Baby stopped moving. Am a little worried. Maybe the Advil.

Entry Four

Realized Dumbo-ears Brit was staring at me. Told him to fuck off, but apparently it came out wrong (as I was chewing a banana, pretending it was peanut butter), because Dumbo-ears sat down next to me and went off on a spiel about how he didn't want to talk about his private life, but now that I'd mentioned it, he HAD had a pretty bad childhood, brother abused him, blah blah blah, I should keep my nose out of his business, he wanted to keep his private life private, etc. Tried to pretend he wasn't there, but found this to be exceedingly difficult, as every three seconds he asked me if I'd heard of driveshaft.

Wonder, what is a driveshaft?

Entry Five

Am freaking out. Baby v. v. still. Thought maybe baby was asleep, so started tapping on stomach to wake it up. Didn't work, as the only thing that happened was various plane survivors giving me strange looks. I am NOT a fucking child molester!!! This little baby isn't even a child yet!!

Hmm. Not sure what to do. Maybe get Jack?

Entry Six

Baby moved again today. Am v. happy. Beginning to think I might actually like the little bugger after all.

Good thing I didn't complain to Jack yesterday, anyway. Not much Buzz-boy can do. Besides, he and scary-brunette are too busy talking to each other to notice large monster running around on beach eating minor background characters and extras.

Hmm. Hope my role will not turn into background character. Do not want to be eaten by large invisible monster or fall in hole.

On the bright side, if dead, Dumbo will no longer be able to tell me about driveshafts. Am beginning to think he is v. perverted. Am pregnant, after all!

Wonder if baby can hear my conversations. Don't think small child should be exposed to hearing about Dumbo's driveshaft, no matter how big it is.

Hmm, perhaps should tell baby nice fairy-story.

Later

Put self to sleep trying to tell fairy-story to baby.

Couldn't remember if Cinderella was the one who lived with dwarves or pricked herself on needle, so just made some stuff up. Baby won't know diff.

Entry Seven

Today, blonde-Barbie-slut "Shannon" from plane was giving her stick-thin body a nice suntan. Was v. v. jealous, as used to have nice thin body like her. Now just have big stomach and swollen ankles and scratch on chin from crash.

Was positive Barbie was only showing off for me, so took a chance and pulled off my shirt for her. Unfortunately, had forgotten I was wearing another shirt underneath. Wish layering was not "in" right now. Damn fashion.

Later

Bored shitless. Nothing to do here on desert island except imagine Buzz-boy naked. Blech. Prissy doctor type. Probably has thin, cold, hard ass.

Sawyer, however……………

Got three mosquito bites just sitting here. Hate island. Hate hate hate.

Thoughts about baby: 18. Stupid Shannon.

Author's Note:

Well, there it is. I amused myself very much writing it, and hope you find it funny as well. Please review and tell me what you think! I promise an update soon.

'Til next time, then.

-Finn